nofeelings22 Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 Back in Miami now and my on again , off again girl here has absolutely grown and developed as a person asva result of an intensive live in class that will end in her being a certified yoga instructor. She is more confident. Respectful. Knowledgeable. Patient. Quit all drugs. In other words she has become an absolutely incredible catch!!! She is so gorgeous, we were stopped on Collins in South Beach by a photography crew for a famous magazine that was doing a story on fashionable women of south beach. They shot about 100 pics in an impromptu session. She also loves travel, has no kids or pets and shares the same outlook on life as me in just about every way. So... now what??!? We just got doneva 48 hour date filled with tons of incredible close moments and some great physical intimacy. We have been just inseparable. She is gone for the weekend at the yoga class right now. This intense, passionate, whirlwind of a date, which was supposed to be 24 hours, but turned into 48, has really left me canfused and scared. I spent the last 48 hours with what I consider to be the perfect human female. She was always so close, but did too many drugs, was really untameable. Now, through the power of meditation,just about everything that made me pause with her has been fixed! She likes to travel and has been asking questions about my new boat one would ask if they were picturing themselves going. She already asked me to just take her away with me, thinking the boat would be done sooner. Now the bad..... She is really poor, choosing a spiritual life over money. I encouraged her to do take her yoga to the next level. So, I basically pay for everything. I don't have a problem with this, but I want to be sure I'm not being used. I short chamged her on some money by mistake and her kiss goodbye was a little hesitant. (unlike the hours and hours of insane sex) I am thinking it is my fault for short changing her. I mean she has like a few hundred $$$$ to her name and i shorted her 1/3 of her net worth, not even realizing, despite hints she dropped. Also, she's still a handful out in clubs . We got into one argument because she was acting stupid with a dude the other night. I walked out. It's happened once before. When she is wasted, she takes dancing with other dudes too far. So i texted her and told her to come out in 15 mins, or have a good night. She was out in 10 seconds apologising profusely and suggesting we go out on the beach at night together and get away from the club. She was genuinely upset at herself and said how she has done this many times, driving guys she is with away and that she was trying to correct her behavior. Half blacked out, I helped her piece together what happened. She is going to work on that. So here are the problems.... Im scared of getting hurt!! This girl will drop everything and go away to California or Burning Man or whatever in a second and will do it alone, and meet other dudes along the way as they line up to throw themselves at her. Clubs are a nightmare in that department. I'm just so scared. I have found the perfect girl, with several flaws, but she is human and i have my own flaws. Will she use me for money? Will she vanish one day? Will my heart be broken into little pieces again? I'm scared to death to love her, but it's already happening. There has never, in my opinion, been a more perfect female to walk the planet. Perfect in face, body, mind and spirit. But I'm so damaged from my divorce, I'm afraid to let go and give her my heart. Nor do i know if she will love me back at that level, vanish on me (unpredictable Aquarius), or what. Last night, or rather, at dawn, after sex, she looked deep into my eyes and told me she was in heaven. That our 48 hour date was just the best. Now what??? How do you let go and risk major heartbreak?
Danda Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 She was always so close, but did too many drugs, was really untameable. Also, she's still a handful out in clubs . She was genuinely upset at herself and said how she has done this many times, driving guys she is with away and that she was trying to correct her behavior. Half blacked out, I helped her piece together what happened. She is going to work on that. This girl will drop everything and go away to California or Burning Man or whatever in a second and will do it alone When you say that she will drop everything and go away to something, do you mean as in randomly and without warning? Does she have a history of that sort of thing? This might be a bit of a stretch, so please give me a huge grain of salt here, but have you considered that maybe she is bipolar? I just get the impression that she goes through highs and lows quite a bit, and maybe sometimes intensely, and is also impulsive. People with hard drug problems don't usually go totally clean by learning yoga. Everything is so great and wonderful. Right now. Also is she just replacing hard drugs with alcohol? She gets black out drunk on a regular basis? "many times" (?) What you are describing about her right now sounds a lot like mania to me, coming out of a mixed state, and right about to go into another one. She's not concerned about her finance. Not concerned about much of anything. Everything is wonderful. **** any real plans, she's just going to.. go away with you on a boat. Or maybe to Burning Man or somewhere else. Who the hell knows. Everything is fine now because she used to be a drug addict but then she learned yoga. Now she just gets black out ****faced drunk on a regular basis. But whatever everything is heaven. I mean maybe I'm just a cynic, but I think maybe your gut fear is not irrational. The situation is a little weird, yeah. What do you think? Am I reading too much into the 'weirdness' or do you agree at all? Keep in mind, too, that when properly treated, bipolar is not a huge deal and is very manageable. But untreated and that **** can get crazy.
Author nofeelings22 Posted December 6, 2014 Author Posted December 6, 2014 (edited) When you say that she will drop everything and go away to something, do you mean as in randomly and without warning? Does she have a history of that sort of thing? This might be a bit of a stretch, so please give me a huge grain of salt here, but have you considered that maybe she is bipolar? I just get the impression that she goes through highs and lows quite a bit, and maybe sometimes intensely, and is also impulsive. People with hard drug problems don't usually go totally clean by learning yoga. Everything is so great and wonderful. Right now. Also is she just replacing hard drugs with alcohol? She gets black out drunk on a regular basis? "many times" (?) What you are describing about her right now sounds a lot like mania to me, coming out of a mixed state, and right about to go into another one. She's not concerned about her finance. Not concerned about much of anything. Everything is wonderful. **** any real plans, she's just going to.. go away with you on a boat. Or maybe to Burning Man or somewhere else. Who the hell knows. Everything is fine now because she used to be a drug addict but then she learned yoga. Now she just gets black out ****faced drunk on a regular basis. But whatever everything is heaven. I mean maybe I'm just a cynic, but I think maybe your gut fear is not irrational. The situation is a little weird, yeah. What do you think? Am I reading too much into the 'weirdness' or do you agree at all? Keep in mind, too, that when properly treated, bipolar is not a huge deal and is very manageable. But untreated and that **** can get crazy. I've been with the mentally ill. I was married to a mentally ill person for 10 years. I also have a bipolar employee, so I'm pretty familiar with that cycle. This one is just quirky and very much a follow your feeling and go type. I am too. The problem is we are such a good match. I'm like her in many ways. Answering questions, yes, she moves and changes location without warning. I do the same thing. I cannot pursue a relationship with anyone who can't up and go. It's a requirement of mine in a potential parter. She has it, but will she up and go from a relationship, rather than just a location? That's a fear,although she did get out of a 4 year relationship recently. She didn't have drug problems, per se. Just did them (coke and molly), and my approach to life is incompatible with doing these types of drugs in any amount. But she has dropped her occasional use of these drugs and all drugs entirely. It's a bit more than yoga. It is a spiritual boot camp among some extremely positive people that I'd like to thank personally for helping get her going on the right track. She is 24 and had never fully grown up or faced some problems. These people drew the problems out and fixed them in this course/live in she signed up for. She had some regular plans and goals, but they were wrong. They were college, a car, etc.. They were very incompatible with her life. I even saw this and suggested she do the yoga course and boot camp when she was at a fork in the road and was unsure of what to do. She took my advice and did it. And it has been amazing what has happened with her. So, the girl, who i have been seeing on and off for years, has just went from the "maybe pile" to a near perfect match. I'm afraid of opening my heart to love fully again. This is the issue here. Our compatibility couldn't be better. Oh... blackout wise... we were out dancing together and having fun at a club in south beach. She hasn't really gone out in a while because she has been focused on the spiritual boot camp stuff. She had the same number of drinks as me, but she is 5'1 and tops 100lbs. So.... it just happened. We were just out together having fun. Both totally drunk. Dancing right in the front by the DJ. I hadn't had a drink in a month myself. I'm terrified of loving fully again. Unable to fall 100% for what i consider to be the perfect girl now, because of my past extreme pain. How does one allow themselves to love fully again after being destroyed in the past? Note this thread is also about me trying to improve myself. She has, I haven't, I'm afraid, Edited December 6, 2014 by nofeelings22
trippi1432 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Note this thread is also about me trying to improve myself. She has, I haven't, I'm afraid, Noted as you mentioned it several times, if I may...several times you have said "You are terrified"...that might be what you need to figure out, otherwise you might not respect her for just being who she is. Understandably it is hard to trust again, perhaps you need to trust yourself first? 1
Danda Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I just think it might be a really tricky situation. You feel fragile/vulnerable, afraid of getting hurt, etc. And you're moving towards a woman who seems very volatile/unpredictable and impulsive, and who abruptly seems to take big risks, and who also has a history of "self-medicating" and such. Normally for someone in your shoes I'd be all like, "Just go for it, don't be afraid to love, go live life, etc". My optimism and encouragement would be gushing out at you in spades. However, I am also not trying to tell you to steer-clear or anything. If you two are a great match and you really like her, then I totally get you on how you're not deterred by some flaws she might have. But given her seemingly volatile nature, and your vulnerability, the situation just looks dicey, so I'd advise proceeding but with a little self-protecting caution. I still think her history and behavior almost screams bipolar, although of course I could be wrong. There's so much I don't know about her and I'm not a doctor. I just think it would really suck if you went into this with arms and heart wide open and it turns out she does have some issues, and you take it as you having made a mistake or something. Maybe instead go into it but be prepared to roll with some punches and not blame yourself if things get crazy. 1
Author nofeelings22 Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 Noted as you mentioned it several times, if I may...several times you have said "You are terrified"...that might be what you need to figure out, otherwise you might not respect her for just being who she is. Understandably it is hard to trust again, perhaps you need to trust yourself first? Absolutely. This is my problem, i think. I need to learn how to go deeper into this with her, but still be ok if it all comes crashing down, which they all normally do eventually. Maybe that's the key. Maybe just knowing all relationships have an end. Be it through breakup or even death at the end of a life long one. To accept this and put a little less seriousness into things. And I do totally accept her for who she is, the good and the bad. Just super scared of opening all the way up. 1
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