No sex/ intimacy from husband

[Dlucio1]

Idk where to begin. Yes, my H had a emotional affair about 2 yrs ago with 1st gf, LDA, FB of course. He talked bad about me and said he regretted marrying diff nationality. He told her he loved her for 27yrs, sent her money, etc. when I found out he cut all contact and never spoke with her again. Said everything he told her was a lie, Said he was stressed, we had financial problems at the time, fighting, his job wanted to let him go, and was renting a room 2hrs away because his job was far away when the affair happened.

 

We r still together, his 1st offence - I forgave ,2nd he knows our marriage is done if it happens. Anyways, since the LDA w his ex, there has bn no intimacy, sex on average is once every 4 mos. I have mentioned I am lonely, horny, and angry at this. He avoids coming to bed early sleeps on the couch late to avoid sex, nvr calls me anytime, and I've bn coming home late everyday from work since the affair. He trusts me too much. I'm not cheating, but am trying to concentrate on me and my happiness 1st. I think since the affair I've bn wanting the love he gave to that other woman.

 

I thought it was a cultural thing on how he treated me all theses yrs, (he's Filipino)but when I saw the proof, I was shocked. He was a very loving person and was nvr like that with me in all these 20yrs. I have the 50 page journals between the both of them when they spoke, texted, emailed for 2.5mos. Why do I read them over n over again? Well not it's not that painful anymore, but sometimes I still cry. This has changed me a lot. Yes, I'm angry, bitter, sad, and extremely lonely. If I talk to him about anything he gets so angry, and then makes me feel I have bn a bad wife and that's why we have problems. So, I can't talk to him. This am he kissed his dtr good am, but he nvr does it to me. It hurts me.

 

I did what a friend told me to do and I did. STAY BUSY, don't cater to him any more, go out w friends, and he did notice and accused me of cheating. I'm lost. I still love him but at the same time I have so much hate for him. I just want him to give me attention, love, dates, call me, and tell me nice things like he did to this other woman. He has nvr really all these yrs but now it's bothering me since his affair. So I became cold as well, so really it's both of us. I work full time, am there for my kids, take care of home. I just don't cook for him, iron, or wake up and make his coffee anymore. He know and thinks I HATE HIM. Hes right.

 

I'm concentrating more on me and my happiness, hanging out w good friends, hiking, running, and visiting family again, which I had avoided in my life being married to him. He was 1st before anything else. I lost myself I guess. But now it's me. I don't cry anymore and show him that I am happy with or without him. I know he cares, but I think maybe he is not attracted to me anymore? Or maybe he has ED and doesn't want to tell me? A few times I asked for sex when he came to bed, and he became angry saying I didn't understand his situation, he is tired, work is stressful, and his body is not the same anymore, he is only 51.

 

And left the bedroom and slammed the door and slept on the couch. So, I will nvr ask for sex again and I told him this. Very hurtful. Confusing to me because he is hardworking, responsible, cooks, cleans, does the yard, cleans my car, puts gas, make sure kids r doing well, school, college. Sometimes I think he is with me because of the kids.

 

so I am confused. I lied. The ONLY attention he gives me is kisses me on the lips every am before he goes to work and will text on average once a week "I love you". That's it!!!!

Edited December 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs, please use them in the future and cut back on text speak

[RomanceArtist]

Sorry that you aren't getting what you need.

 

If he isn't being sexual with you I'd assume that he is being sexual somewhere else. That might not mean cheating, it might mean porn / masturbation. I can't believe that he just doesn't feel the urge any more (that doesn't happen.) Do you think that this could be a possibility? It's quite a common problem for men, actually and the symptom is always the same; that the wife feels like her needs are being neglected and the guy always seems disinterested.

 

I don't know what to tell you dear except to offer a big (((hug))) to you.

Edited December 8, 2014 by RomanceArtist

[littleblackheart]

Looks like you're going through a hard time OP

 

 

IMO, you need to bin this journal asap - this is not helping you or him deal with the situation you're in. You either forgive him and mean it or you don't. I know it's easier said than done but constantly revisiting 2-year old stuff won't help you move on.

 

 

Secondly, men too can lose their libido, especially if they are stressed and / or depressed; sometimes, it's got nothing to do with their partners but you'll never know if you don't have a frank, honest discussion about what is at the core of your issues. If he thinks you don't understand him and if you think he's rejecting you, chances are you won't confide in each other, which is exactly what you should be doing right now.

 

 

In my experience, positive actions very often lead to positive reactions: you've tried distancing yourself from him, and it's not working. Maybe you should try and plan something nice and romantic (no sex involved) when you could spend special time together - make him his favourite dish, do something that will trigger happy memories for you both - without expecting anything in return. If he sees you are willing to make an effort, maybe he'll be more inclined to open up to you about what he's going through.

 

 

In any case, best of luck OP - if you still both have feelings for each other, it's not all lost.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear your story. I would say the marriage as a romantic relationship is over. You should not have to ask for sex from your husband and be turned down! You need a loving, caring partner who is happy to be with you, not this miserable man who has had an emotional affair with his ex.

 

I wish I could say that things can get better but I can't see that it will. If you can, you would probably be better off divorcing him and making new friends and contacts to give you the opportunity to meet someone else down the line.

 

I'm sorry you are living in such an unhappy situation with a guy you have given a second chance to.

[RomanceArtist]

Looks like you're going through a hard time OP

 

 

IMO, you need to bin this journal asap - this is not helping you or him deal with the situation you're in. You either forgive him and mean it or you don't. I know it's easier said than done but constantly revisiting 2-year old stuff won't help you move on.

 

I agree. You should stop reading that journal and throw it away! It probably makes you bitter and that bitterness will show in your voice and in your actions.

[Dlucio1]

I agree. You should stop reading that journal and throw it away! It probably makes you bitter and that bitterness will show in your voice and in your actions.

Your right and it has, but

I don't want to throw it away. In case we go to court, I have proof he had the affair, but maybe one day i will. YES it causes bitterness, anger, hate, and unhappyness. He knows it, no matter if I pretend I am happy. All I ever wanted was for him to listen to me and understand the pain he has inflicted on me and answer my question "why, what was the REAL reason?". He won't lower himself and accept he ****ed up, made our marriage worst or even talk about the affair. I suppose maybe it causes him great shame because I told the whole world when I found out. He wants me to forget. Ladies and gentlemen out there. How can u forget!? Pretend it nvr happened!? Wtf!? It is impossible!!!! I told him he stabbed my heart and the scar is there forever. Then he starts to get extremely angry or sometimes he'll want to cry and says maybe he should leave because he can't take looking at me suffering. I know I haven't forgiven him in my heart. Oh guess what he finally asked for sex. I did feel he has a slight problem (ED) but not too bad. Anyway, I struggle daily but it's getting better for me though as time goes on. But folks the marriage is not the same. Cheating sucks and I would nvr do it cause if u care so much for someone else u do not want to hurt them or see them suffer. U want them to b happy and that's how it is. So basically he doesn't feel the same for me and why should I continue and waste my time with this situation? Because I still love him.