The dating scene is so different to what I expected

[SuperSally]

I have been a long time out of the dating scene but have now re-entered it, and to make it a little more confusing it’s the first time I have sought to find a same sex partner.

 

I separated from my husband a while ago although I knew I had these leanings for much longer. If you’re interested you can read about it here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/493932-how-do-i-leave-my-husband-without-hurting-him but it’s not really relevant to this thread.

 

My issue is that the dating scene now seems more like a hook-up rather than a place to truly meet someone you believe you could share your life with. If the hook-up goes well then in might progress to more. Is this just the way it goes these days?

 

My first foray on a dating site was a disaster. I had over 100 replies very quickly but once I weeded out the men and the couples I was down to about 20. Of those 15 were looking for no strings attached.

 

So I made another profile stressing that I was looking for a stable monogamous relationship with a woman only and still got inundated with men and couples! Seriously what’s up with that?

 

Anyway to skip ahead a little I liked one of the profiles, so we chatted, then on the phone and then met. It wasn’t until after dinner when I thought it all went really well and was trying to organize a second date and she was having a hard time fitting me in that I realized she was dating multiple people. I confronted her about it and she was very blasé, telling me that’s just how the scene is. And that’s obviously after said read my profile knowing that is exactly what I didn’t want.

 

There was one other that I was interested in so after talking many times (sometimes for hours) on the phone we met a week ago. It was perfect. A great fun night, even when we kissed it felt right, I would have taken her home right then but I have a first date rule and I stuck to it. We organized a second date, better than the first, I thought I had struck it lucky. We went home to her place rather than mine as it was close by and it wasn’t until we were out the front that she told me to just ignore her husband when we go inside and go straight upstairs. What?!?!?! Really!! How could she not mention it after all the talking we did? Needless to say I declined to go inside. We spoke again a day later and she too told me that it was the “norm” in this scene. She said we could have a relationship and that I would be her only woman. I guess her definition of relationship and mine a very different.

 

Now if I was on Adult Friend Finder or some other casual/swinger sites I could accept those sorts of results but I am on more reputable sites. I guess the question is am I out of touch? Is that really how the online dating scene works? Is it just bad luck? If it is where else does one find a woman that wants to have a serious relationship rather than a casual fling, an affair, a “my partner will just watch” or whatever else these people are looking for?

[ponchsox]

I went on a date with a girl I met on Match a few months ago. I thought the date went great, was looking forward to a second date, then the girl tells me she has a few more dates lined up and wants to explore them first before she commits to another date. I just chuckled, said no thanks, and left.

[Jules Dash]

I use OLD and it is mostly good for hookups , unfortunately. I actually use them to find a quality relationship but I see OLD for mainly what it is. It will be very difficult to find someone that is only willing to date you. Matter of fact, I actually discourage others from doing that in dating initially until they find the person they want to be with. I think you stand a better/quicker chance of finding someone for you by handling volume first for multiple reasons.

 

So you will take the good with the bad and you may have a string of bad but then you may wind up with a good problem like mine. I am dating a couple of women that i met online about 3 months ago. I am really enjoying them but both have progressed to the point that the conversations are moving towards deeper relationships. So it can happen but I think it is a longer and tougher road if you try to handle your potential candidates one by one. Of course you will have a lot of people looking for hookups or want to sleep with you quickly. It comes with the territory.

[Danda]

I went on a date with a girl I met on Match a few months ago. I thought the date went great, was looking forward to a second date, then the girl tells me she has a few more dates lined up and wants to explore them first before she commits to another date. I just chuckled, said no thanks, and left.

 

Why? If you don't mind sharing.

 

I keep reading that a lot of people go on dates with multiple other people at once and start narrowing it down from there. At least I have seen several guys explain that they do this.

 

I am surprised she was so honest with you about it, like she respected you enough to not try to bull**** you around with excuses as to why she won't be on date 2 with you for a little while. You could have gone on other dates, as well.

 

Do you expect commitment to only see you after a first date? Not judging you, just honestly puzzled.

[Jules Dash]

Why? If you don't mind sharing.

 

I keep reading that a lot of people go on dates with multiple other people at once and start narrowing it down from there. At least I have seen several guys explain that they do this.

 

I am surprised she was so honest with you about it, like she respected you enough to not try to bull**** you around with excuses as to why she won't be on date 2 with you for a little while. You could have gone on other dates, as well.

 

Do you expect commitment to only see you after a first date? Not judging you, just honestly puzzled.

 

 

I agree with all you have said but I think in his case, the woman was just not interested. If you really had a good first date and can potentially see yourself in a relationship with someone, you don't say what she said after the first date. When someone is interested they either accept the offer of a second date right there or the plans of a second date. They don't throw up the other people they are dating as excuses to not give you a second date at that time.

[mysteryscape]

I went on a date with a girl I met on Match a few months ago. I thought the date went great, was looking forward to a second date, then the girl tells me she has a few more dates lined up and wants to explore them first before she commits to another date. I just chuckled, said no thanks, and left.

 

ponchsox, that is such a weird, old-fashioned idea you have. You meet someone you really like and then you focus on that person as things either progress, or stop progressing, in which case you move on to look for someone else. A lot of people really don't get that, as you can see from some of the posts here. They can't believe that you don't hedge your bets and keep looking around for someone better. I don't think everyone is like that today, and there was a lot of it way back when, I do think it's more prevalent, with the loosening of personal relations and the coming of online dating.

 

Sort of an extreme form of it is on sites like Tinder. Where you just say yes or no to a picture. I know guys who have perfected the technique of continuously tapping yes as fast as they can. They don't even look at the pictures and decide. They just give as many yes's in 5 minutes as they can. If they tap 1000, and 10 of those respond positively, and 2 are attractive, then they have gotten laid, twice, with very little effort.

[SuperSally]

It’s amazing what Christmas can bring.

 

Just when I thought the dating scene was to be avoided like the plague and wondering where I would ever find someone I found what I was looking for on my own, or should I say they found me.

 

For Christmas this year a long time friend (more of an acquaintance) declared to me not only that she is bisexual but that she has had a crush on me for a number of years. Apparently she knew I was interested in women just by the way I was around them and the way I looked at them. I'm not sure that's possible as I never really knew myself but she was right so who knows.

 

I couldn’t be happier. I realize it has only been a few short days but I know this is right and I hope to make a go of it with her once she ties up a few loose ends.

 

I think sometimes you look too hard for love when it’s actually closer than you think.

 

I suppose there is no point to my post other than me just wanting to tell the world how lucky I am. I suppose I do have to thank the forums for giving me the courage to actually walk away from my marriage, I may have done it anyway but knowing that other people support your move (even if they are strangers) gives you the confidence to know you're moving in the right direction.

 

You just have to love Christmas don't you.

[almond]

I read through your other thread, and I'm very glad things are now looking up for you.

 

 

You seem like a well-adjusted, levelheaded woman who has acted with honesty and integrity throughout this process.

 

Well done, and I hope the new year brings you much happiness <3

[Tayken]

It’s amazing what Christmas can bring.

 

Just when I thought the dating scene was to be avoided like the plague and wondering where I would ever find someone I found what I was looking for on my own, or should I say they found me.

 

For Christmas this year a long time friend (more of an acquaintance) declared to me not only that she is bisexual but that she has had a crush on me for a number of years. Apparently she knew I was interested in women just by the way I was around them and the way I looked at them. I'm not sure that's possible as I never really knew myself but she was right so who knows.

 

I couldn’t be happier. I realize it has only been a few short days but I know this is right and I hope to make a go of it with her once she ties up a few loose ends.

 

I think sometimes you look too hard for love when it’s actually closer than you think.

 

I suppose there is no point to my post other than me just wanting to tell the world how lucky I am. I suppose I do have to thank the forums for giving me the courage to actually walk away from my marriage, I may have done it anyway but knowing that other people support your move (even if they are strangers) gives you the confidence to know you're moving in the right direction.

 

You just have to love Christmas don't you.

 

Sigh....you are obviously looking at this from the perspective of someone who is desperately looking to be with someone, and like you said it has only been a few days.

 

You should note that Xmas and just before Valentines are two of the worst times to hook up with someone. There are many sharks out there waiting to eat up suckers that can't see them coming for the following reasons

 

- They have spent money over the holidays, and the bills are expected in January. Some sucker has to help pay that.

 

- Come Feb 14 when every other person will be getting flowers and chocolate, they don't want to feel left out and will hook up with someone just so they can be part of it.

 

Be careful what you wish for....

[SuperSally]

You should note that Xmas and just before Valentines are two of the worst times to hook up with someone. There are many sharks out there waiting to eat up suckers that can't see them coming for the following reasons

 

- They have spent money over the holidays, and the bills are expected in January. Some sucker has to help pay that.

 

Who knows, your scenario could play out but I prefer not to be negative. Negativity tends to attract negativity.

 

I have known this person for a long time and she is financially secure and certainly not just looking to hook up for the holidays. I feel it is a deeper connection than that but if that is how it plays out I'll put it down to a lesson learned. I'd certainly rather do that than not even giving it a chance.

 

Sigh....you are obviously looking at this from the perspective of someone who is desperately looking to be with someone, and like you said it has only been a few days.

 

I wouldn't consider myself desperate at all. I was looking, I had knocked back many opportunities through online dating and then she came along. Why would I wait when it feels right?

[LookAtThisPOst]

From what I've read, are you into both sexes, but had a male husband? Anyway, the particular lifestyle you've chosen is known for polyamory and not much else.

 

Bi-sexuality is not really open to strictly monogamous relationships. It's usually all about joining in the foray of another couple in the bedroom or a no-strings situation. I had embarassingly recalled a wife of a male friend of mine whom they both are married and had a new baby in their life. Found her on OK Cupid and said something along the lines of finding some kind of female companion (no males allowed!). She mentioned in her profile that there was some concern of her even being on the site as she had a child to raise and would seriously mess up the child's head if he was exposed to such behaviors. Quite embarrassing for the husband to have such a dating profile online.

 

I have been a long time out of the dating scene but have now re-entered it, and to make it a little more confusing it’s the first time I have sought to find a same sex partner.

 

I separated from my husband a while ago although I knew I had these leanings for much longer. If you’re interested you can read about it here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/493932-how-do-i-leave-my-husband-without-hurting-him but it’s not really relevant to this thread.

 

My issue is that the dating scene now seems more like a hook-up rather than a place to truly meet someone you believe you could share your life with. If the hook-up goes well then in might progress to more. Is this just the way it goes these days?

 

My first foray on a dating site was a disaster. I had over 100 replies very quickly but once I weeded out the men and the couples I was down to about 20. Of those 15 were looking for no strings attached.

 

So I made another profile stressing that I was looking for a stable monogamous relationship with a woman only and still got inundated with men and couples! Seriously what’s up with that?

 

Anyway to skip ahead a little I liked one of the profiles, so we chatted, then on the phone and then met. It wasn’t until after dinner when I thought it all went really well and was trying to organize a second date and she was having a hard time fitting me in that I realized she was dating multiple people. I confronted her about it and she was very blasé, telling me that’s just how the scene is. And that’s obviously after said read my profile knowing that is exactly what I didn’t want.

 

There was one other that I was interested in so after talking many times (sometimes for hours) on the phone we met a week ago. It was perfect. A great fun night, even when we kissed it felt right, I would have taken her home right then but I have a first date rule and I stuck to it. We organized a second date, better than the first, I thought I had struck it lucky. We went home to her place rather than mine as it was close by and it wasn’t until we were out the front that she told me to just ignore her husband when we go inside and go straight upstairs. What?!?!?! Really!! How could she not mention it after all the talking we did? Needless to say I declined to go inside. We spoke again a day later and she too told me that it was the “norm” in this scene. She said we could have a relationship and that I would be her only woman. I guess her definition of relationship and mine a very different.

 

Now if I was on Adult Friend Finder or some other casual/swinger sites I could accept those sorts of results but I am on more reputable sites. I guess the question is am I out of touch? Is that really how the online dating scene works? Is it just bad luck? If it is where else does one find a woman that wants to have a serious relationship rather than a casual fling, an affair, a “my partner will just watch” or whatever else these people are looking for?

[SuperSally]

From what I've read, are you into both sexes, but had a male husband? Anyway, the particular lifestyle you've chosen is known for polyamory and not much else.

 

I think you have misunderstood. I was married, I developed very strong and overwhelming feelings that I wanted to be with a woman, I discussed this with and then left my husband, I have now just started a relationship with a woman, a monogamous relationship I might add.

 

Yes I like both sexes. No I don't want both at the same time. Unless my definition is flawed that's not polyamory.

[oldshirt]

I can't really comment on your specific experiences that you have had thus far but rather I am comment on your title of dating not being what you expected.

 

 

Things are going to be totally different now. In the past you were dating men. You are venturing into a whole different reality now. Seeking, dating and connecting with women is going to be a whole paradigm shift.

 

 

With men you had to deal with playa's, drunks, rednecks, abusers and even potential rapists and serial killers. Now you are really going to have to be careful and watch your back!! LOL

 

 

Even though they drink and fart, scratch their balls and follow their peckers everywhere, men are actually quite simple and predictable. They also pretty much say what they mean and are straight forward in their goals and intentions.

 

 

Women on the other hand are quite complex and moody and unpredictable. Add to that you are entering an alternative lifestyle that is different from the norm and you might as well put those traits on steroids.

 

 

I've been chastised here for saying this before but it is what it is - many lesbians are damaged. Sure there are some perfectly adjusted and healthy lesbians out there but for every one of those, I imagine there are several that have been damaged through abuse and dysfunction and maladjustment. as you are seeking a steady relationship with a woman, you are going to be venturing more into the lesbian world than into the female bisexual world.

 

 

Most fem bisexuals have some form of male partner to one degree or another. fem bisexuals range from "Girls-Gone-Wild" chicks that like to kiss and titty-rub on other chicks to turn their boyfriends on, to women that want a husband/male partner at home to help raise the kids, unclog the toilet and kill spiders while they have an intimate relationship with another woman.

 

 

With those women, you are going to have to contend with some level of male involvement ranging from some guys that are willing to let their women live her own life with other women without asking for much in return and not interfering much, to guys that will only allow it as long as they are getting their's from both women in a 3-way.

 

 

But seeing how you are wanting this to be pretty much exclusive, you are going to find yourself dealing with lesbians and that is a whole other ballpark.

 

 

You're just simply not in Kansas anymore Toto.

 

 

I hope you do keep coming back and posting updates because this in going to be an interesting ride :-D

Edited December 28, 2014 by oldshirt

[mr_dave]

 

You're just simply not in Kansas anymore Toto.

 

 

I hope you do keep coming back and posting updates because this in going to be an interesting ride :-D

 

Did you know that Toto means vagina in Ghana? How appropriate for this thread!

 

On a more serious note, I'm happy for you SuperSally, best wishes!

[spanishchick00]

OLD is a waste of time and often leads to frustration. People never read profiles.

[SuperSally]

OLD is a waste of time and often leads to frustration. People never read profiles.

 

That is certainly what I found. While I read every profile I looked at and only contacted the ones that I was compatible with I had all sorts contacting me. I said I wanted a woman and a woman only with a view to a permanent monogamous relationship yet had men, couples, swingers etc contact me. Even the women I met hadn't read my profile (or didn't care). One was married, another looking for something more casual, I could tell some stories that people just wouldn't believe.

 

I'm certainly glad I found someone relatively quick because I don't think I could have put up with that sort of crap for very long.