artsygirl78 Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 Thought I would post this under Dating, not sure if this is the right forum . . . Has anybody else gone through this? After being really heavy for many years, and getting out of an intense, complicated LTR six months ago, I put all of my energy into taking care of myself, and felt ready to get back out there and date. I signed up for some online dating sites, and have been getting a lot of views and likes, but when men ask me out - I chicken out. I am really struggling. Despite all of my hard work, I am finding myself stopping short of going out on dates because I feel crippled with low self esteem. When I was heavier, I thought it was my weight keeping me from getting out there. My ex was extremely attracted to me just the way I was but he was attracted to heavier women. Now that I am thinner and in better shape than I have been in years, I find myself gripped with the fear that even being close to my "best", I am still not going to be good enough. Part of the issue I am facing is that I am never going to be a small woman. I am hour glass shaped (my waist is 10 inches smaller than my hips and I am full chested) but I will always be stocky. I am 5' 5" and a US size 12 - the smallest I can get, if I push REALLY hard in the gym and eat clean, is a size 10. I will always have a broad back and I am already pretty muscular without lifting heavy. My pictures online are honest, and I say that I am curvy, but the thought of seeing someone's disappointment upon meeting me just feels so painful, I get frozen and can't move forward. It is just so weird - I have had exes come out of the woodwork to tell me I was the sexiest woman they ever dated, or I was the beautiful woman that "got away", or now hitched college friends admitting they have a crush on me, and I was this dress size when they knew/dated me. And yet just a week ago I had to deal with two obnoxious 25 year olds make fun of me as the "fat American" in my language class. It was absolutely humiliating.* Being older and living in a foreign country now, I don't know how to meet available men in person. I feel like I can't get a sense of whether I am being too tough on myself, or I need to make peace with the fact that I am not going to be considered dating material by most men because I am big boned, even if I work out tons and am really healthy. I am interested to hear if anyone has gone through this sort of struggle when they make it to the "after" picture of huge weight loss. Any advice is welcome too.
Danda Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 I advise you to just go browse the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist for a handful of large cities. That place is for pretty much nothing other than people looking to indulge in pure, raw lust and nothing else. When people can hide behind the anonymous internet and not fear socially engineered bull**** judging them, the truth comes out. Doesn't matter what age/race/size you are. How you are shaped. How hairy you are. If your feet smell terrible. There are people who would love to have sex with you. I mean I **** you not, there was an ad where I live not too long ago for a guy who just wanted dirty socks from women and added that being allowed to sniff her feet would be a big plus. Some men go after older women specifically, they call them "cougars." Men who like women about your size usually say they want "thick" women. These are men who don't want super skinny or super overweight, but rather their favorite is average. They mean thick positively, as in that is what the hell they want, please and thank you. You need to stop thinking in terms of "enough". Good enough. Big enough. Small enough. Tall enough. Tanned enough. Whatever. Instead think of what you are. Period. It's not a matter of "enough" or "not enough". When a guy sees your pic and starts pursuing you, it's because your features are attracting him and so he's honing in to get to know you. As for asshats who talk **** to you about your weight or size: Well they are asshats. So they don't find you attractive, you are not their type. Who gives a ****? Are they crazy? (*cough* yes *cough*) If I walk down the street and see an elderly woman, as a 20-something straight woman, myself, I don't want to have sex with that elderly woman. But that thought does not cross my mind, and I sure as **** don't go up and start harassing her. How is it any different when those two asshats started making fun of you? I mean, I'm sorry - is it your job to turn them on with your appearance, and you just never received the memo? And more than likely, you could look like pretty much anything, and they would still make fun of you. Chances are they get enjoyment from inflicting emotional pain on others, because again, they're crazy. And because you have low self-esteem, and those asshats have predatory mindsets, chances are they are picking on your low self-esteem like a shark picks up on blood in the water. You're a good person, so why would you place an value in the words of sadistic mother****ers? Would you also take them seriously if they did that to someone else? Know what I mean?
Toodaloo Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 First of all I think you need to come off of that dating site pronto. OLD is a sure fire way to make yourself feel like pooh even when you don't have issues. Second I think you need more time on your own and doing the things you enjoy. A man doesn't make you whole. It just adds a whole new pile of poop to your life no matter how lovely they are for the pure and simple reason that you have to thinking about them. Right now I really think you need to be thinking of YOU and only YOU. My suggestion is as follows 1. Get off of dating site and don't even think about dating. If you want sex go buy a vibrator instead 2. Continue with exercise and activities that you ENJOY. Going the the gym in my opinion is so damned dull and I don't know how anyone does it. But it doesn't stop me from doing a whole host of other activities that are far more fun, burn off just as much fat and are out side! If you enjoy the gym keep going. If you don't start looking at other activities that you will enjoy and keep up. 3. Buy a load of self help books. You will find that the vast majority of "get the guy" type self help books talk about you taking care of yourself first! So it doesn't matter if you are buying get the guy type books or self confidence books. Read up, try out some of the suggestions, practice at being confident and slowly you will find that you are with out noticing. You also need to learn how to look after yourself and how to deal with men who could be a problem. No point jumping straight back into another bad relationship. Educate yourself on how to recognize and find a good one. 4. Practice talking to people and dealing with rejection in small ways. OLD is basically a set up for you to be rejected time after time after time. You also have to deal with feeling guilty when you are approached by someone who is lovely but who you are not attracted to. So you have the guilt as well. You need to have balls of steel and a heart of iron to get real and proper results from OLD. It is not the "easy" way in my opinion. I actually find it much harder than meeting people in real life. So go out say hello to strange men and women, have short conversations with them and practice meeting people and feeling confident in yourself. 5. When you can walk up to a strange man you fancy in a super market, strike up a conversation and not worry about where that conversation may lead then you are ready to start dating again. Look after yourself OP. Relationships are damned hard work and you are still in a very vulnerable place. Get stronger first and get comfortable with yourself first.
BluEyeL Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 I'm 5.5 and about the same size, 10-12, depending of brand and hourglass, but I always felt attractive and it boggles my mind thst you feel that way. I'm really proud of my bubble butt and I don't care about men who don't like me, there are plenty who do. When I walk into a room full of women my age, I always feel among the hottest, occasionally even THE hottest. I believe I'm hot sh*t so people tend to treat me like I am all that. You need to work on your self esteem, that's the problem. Read self help znd go to therapy and only after that date with confidence. Post realistic pics online and you'll not see disappointment on men's face when you go on dates because you look like your picture.
losangelena Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 I actually disagree with the poster who said to get off OLD. OP, I'm like you. I used to be very heavy, but worked on losing a lot of weight in my 20s and at 34, am 5'7" and as size 10/12. I never dated in my 20s and early 30s because I thought no man would be attracted to me, but about a year ago decided to give it a try. I was scared, too, and even though my OLD inbox was never INUNDATED the way some women's are, I did get a pretty steady stream of messages from all kinds of men. Here's the true, as I found it: guys are not blind. As long as you have clear, full-body photos of yourself as you look now on your profile, these guys know what you look like. They're messaging you BECAUSE they find you attractive. Of the men that I went out with this past year, I didn't get any looks of disappointment. Sure, I'm not every man's cup of tea, but I am appealing to quite a few, and many more than I ever would have assumed before I started. Was it scary? Absolutely. Do I still have insecurities? Yes. Even though I've been dating the same guy for three months and everything's going well, there's STILL a voice in the back of my mind telling me that maybe he's just biding his time, and we're even having sex regularly, so he KNOWS what I look like. I'd say take a deep breath and go on a couple of those dates. Take that risk. Let yourself enjoy the company of a man who does find you attractive, of what it feels to be wanted. It's really helped me learn to make peace with my much smaller (but still imperfect) body. Not all men want the size 4 fitness model, and when these men ask you out, they KNOW that's not what they're getting.
FitChick Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 If you live in a country where most of the women are petite, like Japan or Thailand, for example, you are at a disadvantage. When will you be moving?
elaine567 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 . I am hour glass shaped (my waist is 10 inches smaller than my hips and I am full chested) . Health: What a man can't resist: the perfect waist-hip ratio: Forget about breasts, says Jerome Burne. It's the last two figures of 36-24-36 that truly turn on the male naked ape - Health News - Health & Families - The Independent "The ideal ratio in healthy pre- menopausal women ranges between 0.67 and 0.8. In terms of the tape measure, this is produced by waists between 24in and 28in with 36in hips, and waists between 27in and 31in with 40in hips." - waist/hip ratio is very important to men.
Ann253 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 My pictures online are honest, and I say that I am curvy, but the thought of seeing someone's disappointment upon meeting me just feels so painful, I get frozen and can't move forward. If your pictures and you are honest then there won't be any disappointment when they see you. They obviously like something in order to ask to meet you. When I did OLD and met people in person I got comments on how they were surprised I actually looked like my pictures. But if you are really looking for someone the best thing to do is be honest and then go for it. Just remember - confidence can be sexy. If you dont have if, fake it till you do goid luck!!
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