I have a girlfriend but I still can't get laid...

[jalapenochips]

I've been dating my girlfriend for 4 months and we still haven't had sex. We like each other a lot, make each other laugh, all that good stuff. I know she is faithful, she always rejected all guys until I came along and was able to connect with her.

 

- We're both 21

- She is my first gf

- I am her first bf

- We are both virgins

 

We tried having sex a few times, but I couldn't get it in. Even with a lot of foreplay/fingerplay she was just too tight and she would eventually make me stop. It's not just penetration, she won't give me a oral either, she offered once a couple months ago but I was at home and had an exam the next day so I declined. I wish I took the chance because she hasn't offered since. The only thing I've gotten from her is handjobs and she would never be the one to initiate it, I'd have to move her hand there while we were making out. And even that, I haven't gotten for over a month.

 

We hookup about twice a week and we'll make out and I'll finger her and give her oral. I'll make her cum, but she doesn't feel any obligation to return anything. Besides that she is very caring, she is always looking out for others.

 

Breaking up is not an option. We like each other a lot and the pain would be too much for me and her. I wouldn't break up with her over something like sex.

 

So loveshack, how do I get laid?

[d0nnivain]

The fact that she is willing at all shocks me. In my experience women who have preserved their virginity until age 21 don't give it up in 4 months.

 

 

Since she is willing but you two are having mechanical problems, my suggestion is you both learn a LOT MORE about foreplay & you invest in lube.

[jalapenochips]

The fact that she is willing at all shocks me. In my experience women who have preserved their virginity until age 21 don't give it up in 4 months.

 

 

Since she is willing but you two are having mechanical problems, my suggestion is you both learn a LOT MORE about foreplay & you invest in lube.

 

We haven't tried in over a month. How can I get her to be more sexual?

[CarrieT]

How can I get her to be more sexual?

You can't.

 

She is who she is and if you can't openly discuss the sexual issues, it will not get any better.

 

Why is breaking up not an option?

[Danda]

She might have vaginismus. First time sex usually hurts a bit for a woman, but it shouldn't be so bad that she can't tolerate actually going through with it (assuming she is genuinely aroused and lubricated).

 

If she does have vaginismus and her first attempt was thus painful, then she might be afraid (even if subconsciously) to get you aroused for fear (again, possibly subconsciously) that you will want to try sex again, and in her mind that might be perceived as a threat. So she might avoid the 'threat' by avoiding sexually stimulating you.

 

Best thing you can do is talk with her in an open, caring manner. Ask her if she is afraid of trying to have sex again. Let her know it's okay if she nervous and that you will always go very slow and never do anything without her permission. Ask her if she is afraid of turning you on or touching you sexually. Be relaxed, supportive and listen. Take it from there.

 

What you should NOT do is attempt to read her mind, manipulate her or come up with 'strategies' unbeknownst to her. That will only make the situation stupidly worse.

[CarrieT]

What you should NOT do is attempt to read her mind, manipulate her or come up with 'strategies' unbeknownst to her. That will only make the situation stupidly worse.

Repeated for truth.

[maysj18]

She doesn't sound ready.

 

Contrary to popular belief, she is probably holding out on reciprocating because she's uncomfortable and not because she's selfish. Just because you're both virgins doesn't mean you both are on the same page when it comes to sex. "How do I get laid by my girlfriend?" just makes you sound immature. If you consider her your girlfriend, you should be close enough with her to talk to her about it because it really, really sounds like she is uncomfortable.

 

Also, don't hold out on her because you're mad and want to be vindictive. That's not going to help the situation at all and will probably make things worse. Just explain that because she seems uneasy about sex and fooling around with you, you want to stop and give it some time. She'll probably be relieved and you won't be stuck with blue balls all the time. You guys can then work on becoming closer without sex being on the table.

Bottom line: if she wanted to do it, you wouldn't have to guide her hand into your pants.

 

It's also worth mentioning that sex isn't as easy for girls as it is for guys, physically speaking. I know some girls never have problems, but it can be extremely painful to the point where there is no pleasure. You can use all the lube in the world, but that doesn't always help. I'm currently being treated by a doctor for issues I'm having that have prevented me from enjoying sex for the last year. It can hurt and burn so bad that I will bite a pillow or something just to get through it. So yeah, just don't assume she's being selfish.

[jalapenochips]

Okay thanks for the feedback guys. I guess I'll talk to her about it and try to understand her better. My fear is that the relationship will go on for a long time and falling through while I'm still a virgin.

 

As an aside, am I still considered a virgin if my penis was half way inside her at one point?

[maysj18]

Okay thanks for the feedback guys. I guess I'll talk to her about it and try to understand her better. My fear is that the relationship will go on for a long time and falling through while I'm still a virgin.

 

As an aside, am I still considered a virgin if my penis was half way inside her at one point?

 

uh, I guess not technically? Why does it matter though? You seem preoccupied with losing your virginity rather than having a relationship. You're scared it's going to fall apart before you lose your virginity? Seriously? Is that all that matters to you? If you mean that, you need to reconsider dating and focus more on casual relationships. It sounds like you aren't looking for an emotional investment which isn't fair to your girlfriend.

[Danda]

Okay thanks for the feedback guys. I guess I'll talk to her about it and try to understand her better. My fear is that the relationship will go on for a long time and falling through while I'm still a virgin.

 

As an aside, am I still considered a virgin if my penis was half way inside her at one point?

 

So.

 

Your fear isn't that you've accidentally made your girlfriend uncomfortable or afraid by being really pushy sexually without ever talking to her about how she feels about it. Your fear is that you won't get to **** her before the relationship is over.

 

You "guess" that you'll try to understand her better before trying to **** her again?

 

Any chance you could get her on here and let us talk to her? >_>

[Ebelskiver]

Just talk to her! Ask her why she doesn't reciprocate, or initiate. It could be that she's afraid to turn you on because then you would want to have sex.

 

As another poster mentioned she may have vaginismus. That will require a doctor. But it's more likely you need some lube. Pick up some Astroglide or KY, take your time and use LOTS of lube.

[jalapenochips]

Of course I care about her and the relationship. I already said I wouldn't break up with her over something like sex. But is it so wrong to not want to be a virgin after 21+ years of age and going? You guys can't relate.

 

I don't see how I'm being pushy when I've waited this long and always back off when she wants me to.

 

If she has vaginismus then that's something we have to talk about.

[Eighty_nine]

uh, I guess not technically? Why does it matter though? You seem preoccupied with losing your virginity rather than having a relationship. You're scared it's going to fall apart before you lose your virginity? Seriously? Is that all that matters to you? If you mean that, you need to reconsider dating and focus more on casual relationships. It sounds like you aren't looking for an emotional investment which isn't fair to your girlfriend.

 

Ok, you and some other posters are being way too hard on this guy. Have a little empathy. Do you not remember being a virgin, losing your virginity or just in general what that's like, and the pressure behind it, especially for men? Give me a break with all the lectures.

 

This guy clearly cares very much about this girl. He even states he's not interested in breaking up with her regardless of sex. I'd say this is pretty caring for a hormonal 21 year old! Seriously. Posters on this board baffle me sometimes.

 

Anyway, OP, what you need to have is a conversation. I know it won't be easy but you need to ask If shed like to continue trying to have sex, involve lube and do what you can to make it special, If she would. Acknowledge your own anxieties, remind her how much you care about her (it genuinely sounds like uou do). I think she wants to, but is just as unsure as you are.

[jalapenochips]

Ok, you and some other posters are being way too hard on this guy. Have a little empathy. Do you not remember being a virgin, losing your virginity or just in general what that's like, and the pressure behind it, especially for men? Give me a break with all the lectures.

 

This guy clearly cares very much about this girl. He even states he's not interested in breaking up with her regardless of sex. I'd say this is pretty caring for a hormonal 21 year old! Seriously. Posters on this board baffle me sometimes.

 

Anyway, OP, what you need to have is a conversation. I know it won't be easy but you need to ask If shed like to continue trying to have sex, involve lube and do what you can to make it special, If she would. Acknowledge your own anxieties, remind her how much you care about her (it genuinely sounds like uou do). I think she wants to, but is just as unsure as you are.

 

 

Thank you for your response. I'll definitely try to make her as comfortable as possible and be understanding when I bring up the topic. I want her to want it and hope she does.

[maysj18]

Ok, you and some other posters are being way too hard on this guy. Have a little empathy. Do you not remember being a virgin, losing your virginity or just in general what that's like, and the pressure behind it, especially for men? Give me a break with all the lectures.

 

This guy clearly cares very much about this girl. He even states he's not interested in breaking up with her regardless of sex. I'd say this is pretty caring for a hormonal 21 year old! Seriously. Posters on this board baffle me sometimes.

 

Anyway, OP, what you need to have is a conversation. I know it won't be easy but you need to ask If shed like to continue trying to have sex, involve lube and do what you can to make it special, If she would. Acknowledge your own anxieties, remind her how much you care about her (it genuinely sounds like uou do). I think she wants to, but is just as unsure as you are.

 

Pft. I lost my virginity at 21, almost 22. Sure, I felt pressure sometimes but you realize how stupid that is once you grow up.

 

All I'm saying is that the OP, from what he's said/how he's worded things, seems to have an immature view of relationships. Sure, I can give him the benefit of the doubt but the point is to remain objective and form opinions based exactly how what the post says.

 

OP:

It doesn't matter how long you've waited- this is one crucial thing people need to understand. You aren't owed anything. I'm not lecturing, just being matter of fact. Even after 5 years, you still don't deserve to get laid. Throw that argument away because it will never work. Coming from a girl who saved her virginity until she was 21: the more you push and the bigger deal you make of it, the worse you will make the situation. It isn't a game, it isn't a test, it's just about respect. It's annoying, childish, and disrespectful to push for something like sex. As adults, you all should be talking about this to see if you're on the same page. My current boyfriend is who I lost my virginity to and the one thing he did differently than anyone else that really won my heart is that he never pushed sex. A few dates in we discussed it and he just said "I understand totally and I'm willing to wait for that" and then we finished dinner. It made everything so chill and easy and I didn't have this pressure on my shoulders. I gave it up to him within TWO months of us meeting. That's it. We've been together for 3 years now.

 

Now, you have needs as well and I get that, but those needs will not and should not be met by an unwilling partner. You're never going to get the response you want (i.e. her initiating, wanting to reciprocate, etc.) and she's never going to feel respected if you continue the way you're going. If that seems unfair and makes you upset: break up. It's that simple. When it comes to major differences like this, you know it's a dealbreaker when you can't accept the other person's terms. That's just a reality about relationships. It may make you seem like a d*ck, but really, forcing yourself to suffer and possibly becoming passive aggressive would be even worse.

 

So, yeah, it MAY be health problems with her but it's much, much more likely that she is uncomfortable with how far and how fast things are going. Remember, I was in her shoes once and so I can imagine how she feels from your descriptions. You need to sit her down and talk about it. I hope she's honest with you and you all can work this out, but it's okay if you can't. Just please abandon the idea that "you need to lose your virginity since you're in a relationship". Not saying it's not going to happen, but those per-conceived ideas aren't healthy and probably affect the way you treat her even if you don't realize it.

Edited December 8, 2014 by maysj18

[Eighty_nine]

Pft. I lost my virginity at 21, almost 22. Sure, I felt pressure sometimes but you realize how stupid that is once you grow up.

 

All I'm saying is that the OP, from what he's said/how he's worded things, seems to have an immature view of relationships. Sure, I can give him the benefit of the doubt but the point is to remain objective and form opinions based exactly how what the post says.

 

 

Of course he probably has a limited view of relationships, he's 21. Maybe the virginity issue is silly to us (assuming you're a bit older than 21; I'm in my late twenties), but for him it is not. I'm just saying I think when we reply to posts on these boards it's really important to consider the age and current life experience of the OP.