Q for those whom have had infidelity revealed

[Redhighheelz]

If you've had infidelity revealed in your relationship (whether being the betrayed or the betrayer) how much detail was given?

 

1. Was it revealed by the betrayer without prompt or were the caught?

 

2. How much information was offered (or did you offer if the betrayer)?

 

3. What follow up questions were asked; how much detail was given?

 

 

I guess I wonder about those who ask every detail and want to know everything on one end to the other extreme of those who perhaps only know an inappropriate relationship occurred but don't know the details, or don't ask. Is one way or another more healthy?

[Raena]

If you've had infidelity revealed in your relationship (whether being the betrayed or the betrayer) how much detail was given?

 

1. Was it revealed by the betrayer without prompt or were the caught?

 

2. How much information was offered (or did you offer if the betrayer)?

 

3. What follow up questions were asked; how much detail was given?

 

 

I guess I wonder about those who ask every detail and want to know everything on one end to the other extreme of those who perhaps only know an inappropriate relationship occurred but don't know the details, or don't ask. Is one way or another more healthy?

 

Betrayed here...

1. Both. First the OW contacted me on twitter which gave me a clue something was going on. I snooped and found suspicious things, but nothing that blatantly said "cheating". Later, he told me directly via text message that he had been cheating for a year and a half. This was after I screamed in his face on countless occasions that he needed to tell me the truth about the situation because I knew SOMETHING was going on, I just didn't know what.

 

2. At first I didn't ask for too many details. All I really wanted to know was... was it sexual, how long had it been going on and when was he moving out? He lies, a LOT, so I didn't really expect him to tell me the truth of it all anyway. Besides, it didn't really matter. He cheated, I wanted out of the relationship.

 

3. Over the course of the next 6 months or so I was given more information about what had happened. I didn't ask for it, I didn't want to know. I found out that there was a lot more to the story than I had originally been told. He told me some of it but his OW was the one who really made a point of making DAMN sure I knew every single thing about what had occurred. I think it was something she had been holding onto for that year and a half. A jealousy of me that she still carries over a year after discovery. She wanted to make sure I knew how much he "luurves" her and the secret they had been carrying around all that time.

 

I don't know which way is healthier. Honestly, I didn't want all the nitty gritty details. I knew that if I knew them, they would be burned on my brain indefinitely and I didn't really want that. I didn't need that. I knew that our relationship was over, no matter what he said to me, he'd crapped on me for the last time. The exact details didn't matter. Not THIS time anyway. I'd been down this road with him before though and I reacted completely differently the other times. Everything from completely losing it, breaking stuff, to complete and utter devastation. I think, in my case, I knew the details wouldn't really matter. Now if I was trying to convince myself to reconcile with him, then I probably would have wanted to know every last detail. Why? Because I wouldn't want any surprises down the road that would cause yet another traumatic event.

 

I will say that her(ow) making damn sure to rub my face in it made it worse for me. It prolonged my healing process. Every time I found out something new it was like another knife in the back and it set me back each and every time. It wasn't necessary. She got what she wanted... and I can laugh in her face because she is completely unaware that the real "villain" in this scenario is HIM...not me.

 

So is it better to know all the details? If you want to reconcile, then I think all of the details, feelings, thoughts, events need to be aired out in the open. It's impossible to really truly heal from it and move forward in a marriage if there are still secrets about what had gone on. If you aren't going to reconcile, then no, the details aren't necessary. Some will want to know anyway. Me... I would have preferred to get all of that information in one fell swoop rather than be gaslighted and trickle truthed for months about it. It just dragged the process out much longer than was needed.

[Redhighheelz]

Who's job is it for everything to be out there? Should the cheater spill the details or should it be what the betrayed decides. For example, I guess I wonder about those who might know "I know he cheated over X months with so and this is why it happened or how", and the betrayed doesn't ask more. Should betrayers make every detail clear in case it comes up again or should that be for the BS to ask?

[whichwayisup]

Who's job is it for everything to be out there? Should the cheater spill the details or should it be what the betrayed decides. For example, I guess I wonder about those who might know "I know he cheated over X months with so and this is why it happened or how", and the betrayed doesn't ask more. Should betrayers make every detail clear in case it comes up again or should that be for the BS to ask?

 

Does this apply in your life? Not sure if you're a BS, an OW or a MW.

 

I would think most people who are the betrayers wouldn't want the world to know the details of their personal life. BS's tell their family and friends for support but even then it's up to the individual and how each person feels about infidelity. Some feel judged and feel others will blame them for their spouse having an affair. You'll see that a lot on here where a BS gets blamed for a WS having an affair.

[Redhighheelz]

Does this apply in your life? Not sure if you're a BS, an OW or a MW.

 

I would think most people who are the betrayers wouldn't want the world to know the details of their personal life. BS's tell their family and friends for support but even then it's up to the individual and how each person feels about infidelity. Some feel judged and feel others will blame them for their spouse having an affair. You'll see that a lot on here where a BS gets blamed for a WS having an affair.

 

I am not asking about a specific situation. Perhaps I wasn't clear. I meant how much detail is given to the betrayed SO from the wayward. Is it up for the wayward to ask the questions and ask the details they want or should the betrayer just start telling all?

[Raena]

I am not asking about a specific situation. Perhaps I wasn't clear. I meant how much detail is given to the betrayed SO from the wayward. Is it up for the wayward to ask the questions and ask the details they want or should the betrayer just start telling all?

 

But how would the betrayed know what questions to ask? What if they don't ask the "right" questions and something else comes up later on that they didn't know about?

 

I think it's situation specific and probably up to the betrayed to let it known whether they do or don't want to know every detail. I'm guessing each person/situation is different though. Some will want to know, some won't.

 

Like I said in my previous response... in some cases, there's no reason to tell (every little detail). It serves no purpose. In other cases, yes, telling all is necessary and it's up to the wayward spouse to lay it all out there... this is what I did and when. Give a timeline and as much detail as the bs wants to know.

[Selfish]

If you've had infidelity revealed in your relationship (whether being the betrayed or the betrayer) how much detail was given?

 

1. Was it revealed by the betrayer without prompt or were the caught?

 

I confessed and blindsided my spouse

 

2. How much information was offered (or did you offer if the betrayer)?

I told everything. But was asked to keep sexual details to myself. Saying "we had sex" was enough. No painting the scene.

 

3. What follow up questions were asked; how much detail was given?

none, I left nothing out to be asked. And as I said no details were wanted.

 

I guess I wonder about those who ask every detail and want to know everything on one end to the other extreme of those who perhaps only know an inappropriate relationship occurred but don't know the details, or don't ask. Is one way or another more healthy?

It think it depends on the person. If the BS is going to believe the worst and have all sorts of imaginations then they may feel better with some details. Some people don't need anything that will give them mental images. Some already have a vivid imagination and therefore want to know what "actually" happened instead of their own mind making up stuff. I don't think one way is more healthy than the other. But, I do think a BS should weigh the question in their own mind before asking. once you have the answer you can't unknow it.

[spanz1]

Who's job is it for everything to be out there? Should the cheater spill the details or should it be what the betrayed decides. For example, I guess I wonder about those who might know "I know he cheated over X months with so and this is why it happened or how", and the betrayed doesn't ask more. Should betrayers make every detail clear in case it comes up again or should that be for the BS to ask?

 

 

 

a cheater is not going to want to do that, for various selfish reasons. BUT, IF there is to be a reconciliation....then every detail the betrayed spouse wants to know...they deserve to get a quick and full answer. The TT is what kills most false R attempts.

[road]

Who's job is it for everything to be out there? Should the cheater spill the details or should it be what the betrayed decides. For example, I guess I wonder about those who might know "I know he cheated over X months with so and this is why it happened or how", and the betrayed doesn't ask more. Should betrayers make every detail clear in case it comes up again or should that be for the BS to ask?

 

The BS gets to control how much they need to know. There is no right amount. Some BH's need to know everything. See every text, email, etc. Some BH's did not know about the cheating until their WW told them. All they only needed to know the affair was over, NC with the OM, and was the WW was not going to leave them.

 

 

Trickle truthing only makes the BS not believe the WS when they decide to be 100% truthful.

 

 

The WS needs to use tack and to only answer the question asked. This avoids the BS hearing more then they want and prevents the truth from being brutal in its presentation.

 

 

Over the years I read a few WW posts where they were concerned that their BH did not want to know much about the affair. Refused to ask questions. This shows that there is not one level of need to know. That the level on info desired can and does vary. Though most BH's want to know everything.

 

 

One WW told her BH how the OM's equipment was huge, would last for 1 hour each time, would do WW 4 times a night. Best sex in her life. She could not understand why her BH was devastated and their sex life was now in the toilet.

 

 

When a BH asks did they have sex and for a WW to say no trying to answer as Bill Clinton did is to lie. Blowjobs count. Even kissing and petting does.

 

 

The best answer for that BH's question is: yes. And only that. For the BH did not ask what physical contact took place, did not ask how many times, etc.

 

 

Now if the BH then follows up with how many times the WW just says 24 times. If the WW can not remember the exact amount of times. The WW says I do not remember the exact number of times though the affair went on for 1 year and we had sex about once a week, so about 50 times. I remember missing a week here or there and a few weeks where we hooked up more then once. Notice the BH did not ask what was done or how good was the sex. This is allowing the BH to control how much info getting told.

 

 

Once a fact has been told it can not be unheard. Proceed with caution and full honesty.

Edited December 6, 2014 by road

[Mal78]

If you've had infidelity revealed in your relationship (whether being the betrayed or the betrayer) how much detail was given?

 

1. Was it revealed by the betrayer without prompt or were the caught?

 

2. How much information was offered (or did you offer if the betrayer)?

 

3. What follow up questions were asked; how much detail was given?

 

 

I guess I wonder about those who ask every detail and want to know everything on one end to the other extreme of those who perhaps only know an inappropriate relationship occurred but don't know the details, or don't ask. Is one way or another more healthy?

 

When my husband cheated on me (many years ago) he came clean to me however very little details were volunteered. I knew he had sex with my friend and had sex with her friend. I don't know if it was a three some, more than once, any oral... Kissing... nothing. Just that he had sex with those two women.

 

He confessed right after an intimate moment and like it was a huge burden life off his shoulders he fell asleep. I was left, naked, confused, heartbroken, sick and so many unanswered questions.

 

My fear at the time was that if he felt pressured to answer all my questions and me being too intrusive he would not think being with me was worth the hassle. I was young, we had a baby and I was left alone to suffer the pain and agony. We never talked about it.

 

I phoned my friend the next day, I wanted to be rational but I just freaked out. So getting details then became out of the question. She apologized but I wasn't having it. I hung up and that was the end of it. I, nor my husband spoke to her again.

 

I do believe it happened again a few years later with his best friend's gf. He denies anything happened (other than kissing) but all of a sudden he isn't friends with his best friend from high school. The relationship quit like cold turkey. So, my suspicions I think are on the money. No details given.

 

My husband was obviously a man of opportunity. He doesn't go out of his way to seek it. If it falls on his lap however he has a hard time resisting the temptation.

 

He works a all male job. He is not at all computer savvy. He doesn't have fb, just got email the past 6 months and only has had a cell phone the past year and only because it was a job requirement. He doesn't drink or go to bars/pubs.

 

His opportunities are very limited so he is never tempted.

[checkoutat10]

1. My WH was caught. I caught him after finding a suspicious contact on his phone.

 

2. My WH did not, and still has not, offered much in the way of information, despite my constant questions. For instance, my instinct is telling me the affair was sexual, however he will only admit to an EA. His OW also only admitted to an EA, but since lying and betrayal is the crux of affairs, I have no reason to believe either of them.

 

3. I asked everything. Did you **** her? Did you kiss her? Did she ever spend time with you in your barracks room (he was stationed in Germany at the time)? Do you love her? Yada , yada, yada. Neverending questions as my broken heart and mind could not reconcile that this had become my life. The shock of it was a pain I would not wish on my worst enemy...and what's worse is that I used to be OW. Boy do I understand what goes around, comes around. Why I thought after 12 years I'd be any different to him....no clue.

[badkarma2013]

When i told the BW of the affair (about 3 months after DDay)...the OM came to my office and showed me 12-15 pics (on his phone) of my wife doing sex acts that we so offbase for me she wouldnt talk about them.....His wife since divorced him as well....I did not let my anger go toward HIM because we as BH's want to beat the man to a freakin pulp....But it was my wife of 22 years who CHOSE to become WHORE and break our marriage vows....again still have trouble understanding the events that she let herself do some really sick S^&T.

**** Divorce was final 8-10 months after d day*** NEVER LOOKED BACK ONE SECOND....BTW I NEVER TRIGGER

 

SHE DOES NOT EXIST TO ME NOW..

[katielee]

I confessed. He got caught both times.

 

it doesn't make affairs any better or worse, how we find out. But it DOES make recovery easier, I think, when the WS takes the first honest step in confessing.

 

I have no idea what to believe. OW2 told me about an additional date. VAR in car proved she was in it after he lied about it. So there at go. And ppl wonder why recovery has been so hard for us.

[Selfish]

I confessed. He got caught both times.

 

it doesn't make affairs any better or worse, how we find out. But it DOES make recovery easier, I think, when the WS takes the first honest step in confessing.

 

I have no idea what to believe. OW2 told me about an additional date. VAR in car proved she was in it after he lied about it. So there at go. And ppl wonder why recovery has been so hard for us.

 

I think everybody knows why you are having a hard time in recovery. I think everybody just wants you to accept you cannot change him or force him to be someone he isn't. And that you also constantly compare yourself and your affair to his and always seem to place yourself as "better"

[katielee]

I think everybody knows why you are having a hard time in recovery. I think everybody just wants you to accept you cannot change him or force him to be someone he isn't. And that you also constantly compare yourself and your affair to his and always seem to place yourself as "better"

 

Odd, I just said it DOESNT make it better, it makes it easier to recover from- very, very different when rebuilding trust.

[CarrieT]

If you've had infidelity revealed in your relationship (whether being the betrayed or the betrayer) how much detail was given?

Very little.

 

1. Was it revealed by the betrayer without prompt or were the caught?

I caught him.

 

2. How much information was offered (or did you offer if the betrayer)?

None. I was gaslighted and lied to until after I completely ended the relationship.

 

3. What follow up questions were asked; how much detail was given?

All of the usual questions: When/Where/Why. No answers were ever given and the lies continued even after we completely broke up.

 

Is one way or another more healthy?

I would have preferred complete honesty - just to know that I was not crazy.

[Arieswoman]

Redhighheelz,

I was suspicious 6 months before DD.

 

He kept going out more (said he had more football matches to play) and joined a "card-school" on a Sunday lunch-time. He was preoccupied most of the time, sulky (more than usual) and at times was just downright nasty.

I challenged him on several occasions and he denied anything was going on, telling me I was "imagining it".

 

I got so suspicious and checked up on him one night and he wasn't where he said he was going. When he came back home I asked him about his football match and he told a pack of lies about what happened. I let him dig himself right into a hole and then asked him straight out who he was seeing.

 

He came out with the "it isn't like you think it is" line ( I never thought people actually said that outside of movies) so I said that as he wasn't a mind-reader and had no idea what I was thinking perhaps he could tell me what it really "was like".

 

He minimised and said it was a girl he met in the pub and he's only seen her a few times. I asked for a name and address and he gave me one.

That night I slept in the spare room and couldn't sleep all night I was so upset. I called in sick the next day but made an appointment with a divorce solicitor to check out my options.

 

The next day I check the Electoral Roll and this person didn't exist. When he got back from work I tackled him again and told him not to lie this time. I yelled at him like a woman possessed and he was scared. He confessed a lot more but I didn't know if it was the whole truth. When you're dealing with a liar you're stuffed basically.

 

After he confessed (including telling me about bringing her back to our house) and gave me a name - it was an employee - I was more angry and upset than I had ever been in my life but at the same time so, so relieved. I knew that my hunches were right and that I wasn't going mad after all.

 

As he told me more and more I realised, sadly, that there was no way back from this. It wasn't just the cheating, it was 6 months of lying and gaslighting until I doubted my own perceptions. It was taking money from the marital bank a/c (half of it mine !) to buy her presents, go to hotels etc. It was disrespecting our home by entertaining her in our bed.

 

He got the divorce papers a week later and he was out of the house within a month.

[flowergirl14]

As i told my wayward husband.."the affair won't kill this marriage but the lying and dishonesty will."

[TheBladeRunner]

If you've had infidelity revealed in your relationship (whether being the betrayed or the betrayer) how much detail was given?

 

1. Was it revealed by the betrayer without prompt or were the caught?

 

2. How much information was offered (or did you offer if the betrayer)?

 

3. What follow up questions were asked; how much detail was given?

 

 

I guess I wonder about those who ask every detail and want to know everything on one end to the other extreme of those who perhaps only know an inappropriate relationship occurred but don't know the details, or don't ask. Is one way or another more healthy?

 

1. I had to drag it out of my XW, I knew something had been off for quite sometime. Between protecting the cell phone and every time I walked into the office another screen flying up I knew something was up.

 

2. All I ever received was vague details and justification why she did it. I never have nor will I probably ever get a "real" explanation; the prison system in this country is full of people who were "justified" in what they did. Infidelity was a deal breaker for me, she knew this and continued anyway.

 

3. I didn't bother with follow up questions, I knew she would never do the work to reconcile so why bother. She and her entire family have a bad habit of doing bad things and they rug-sweep everything.

 

It's been two years and I have reached complete acceptance of what happened, even my role in the demise of the marriage. What she did will never be OK, but I have forgiven her and we actually have a decent relationship these days as we have a child together.

[DbleBetrayal]

If you've had infidelity revealed in your relationship (whether being the betrayed or the betrayer) how much detail was given?

 

1. Was it revealed by the betrayer without prompt or were the caught?

 

No. I had it revealed to me by a third party 4 months after it happened.

 

2. How much information was offered (or did you offer if the betrayer)?

 

At first denial, lasted about 5 seconds because I went off. Than he answered all my questions in detail.

 

3. What follow up questions were asked; how much detail was given?

 

What I can remember- when did it start? how did it happen? how can you say you love me and do sh*t like that? Who are you? Where did you screw? What positions? Did you use a condom? Did you cum? (Alot of it was sex based, because it was a ONS with follow up emails to each other after the fact, a short lived online EA; with OW rejecting him for further hook ups- I read the emails) Why didn't you tell me when you knew my friends knew and it would come out eventually from someone else, which is worse? Did you not feel guilty at all? What lead up to that moment? Are you still in contact? Did/do you have feelings for her? Do you think she's hotter than me?

 

After the initial denial, he gave me all details without hesitation. Everything.

 

 

I guess I wonder about those who ask every detail and want to know everything on one end to the other extreme of those who perhaps only know an inappropriate relationship occurred but don't know the details, or don't ask. Is one way or another more healthy?

 

I think it's healthy and warranted to ask the tough questions. Our imaginations can be much worse otherwise.