CalmandCarryOn Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 Asked her out on a date for this weekend. She replied and said " I appreciate your invitation but I'm not sure I will have time this weekend. I already have some plans with friends and a lot of studying and a few more assignments to do :/ but thanks for asking." Why am I feeling like a failure?
BlueIris Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 You’re not a failure. She just doesn’t feel the same way that you do. That’s not failure. The right one WILL feel the same way you do. Be patient. 2
Danda Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 Well, don't fall into the self-harmful trap of blaming yourself for the bad feelings someone else has caused in you. Her response was really lame. If she was genuinely busy but interested in dating you, then she would have conveyed her displeasure over not being able to do a date this weekend AND offered up when she will be available. If she wasn't interested in going on a date with you, she could have been honest in a gentle way. But instead it was like.. "Thanks for stroking me ego, I appreciate that. I don't really respect you enough to be straight up with you, so here is a list of everything I will be doing other than going on a date with you, along with a thank you that essentially equates your vulnerability to offering me your leftover tacos. Also I'm not going to let you know one way or the other if I actually want to date you, so you don't know whether or not you should ask me again another time. Maybe you'll stroke my ego again in the future, when I'll be too busy making a sweater for my pet hamster to go on a date with you. But no really, thanks anyway!" Okay maybe that's a bit harsh, but really, it was a lame response. It makes sense that you'd feel bad. You were rejected but not with dignity, respect or genuine appreciation for your willingness to be vulnerable, which was genuinely flattering for her, even if she wasn't interested. She probably didn't mean to be a douche about it like that, probably just isn't perfectly socially graceful (I imagine most people aren't), but if you felt bad, it makes sense on multiple levels. But it's not your fault, and thus not a failure on your part. 1
deathandtaxes Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 Part of the game, OP. Rejection sucks. But it's part of life. The good and the bad. Experience it. Let it go. Move on and ask another one out! 1
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted December 6, 2014 Author Posted December 6, 2014 Well, don't fall into the self-harmful trap of blaming yourself for the bad feelings someone else has caused in you. Her response was really lame. If she was genuinely busy but interested in dating you, then she would have conveyed her displeasure over not being able to do a date this weekend AND offered up when she will be available. If she wasn't interested in going on a date with you, she could have been honest in a gentle way. But instead it was like.. "Thanks for stroking me ego, I appreciate that. I don't really respect you enough to be straight up with you, so here is a list of everything I will be doing other than going on a date with you, along with a thank you that essentially equates your vulnerability to offering me your leftover tacos. Also I'm not going to let you know one way or the other if I actually want to date you, so you don't know whether or not you should ask me again another time. Maybe you'll stroke my ego again in the future, when I'll be too busy making a sweater for my pet hamster to go on a date with you. But no really, thanks anyway!" Okay maybe that's a bit harsh, but really, it was a lame response. It makes sense that you'd feel bad. You were rejected but not with dignity, respect or genuine appreciation for your willingness to be vulnerable, which was genuinely flattering for her, even if she wasn't interested. She probably didn't mean to be a douche about it like that, probably just isn't perfectly socially graceful (I imagine most people aren't), but if you felt bad, it makes sense on multiple levels. But it's not your fault, and thus not a failure on your part. To be fair...it is finals weekend at my university.
deathandtaxes Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 To be fair...it is finals weekend at my university. Maybe, but she's still not interested. If she were, she would have offered up an alternative. 2
90s kid Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 Everybody experiences rejection at some point. Don't let it stop you from approaching women.
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 Maybe, but she's still not interested. If she were, she would have offered up an alternative. Perhaps. I like to hold onto hope.
Leigh 87 Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Don't beat yourself up. I just got rejected yesterday. He pretended that he had suddenly had a family dinner to attend to. He at least said that he was really sorry for stuffing mme about though haha.
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted December 7, 2014 Author Posted December 7, 2014 Don't beat yourself up. I just got rejected yesterday. He pretended that he had suddenly had a family dinner to attend to. He at least said that he was really sorry for stuffing mme about though haha. Now here's where I'm confused - yesterday I posted some great news in Facebook and she commented saying "Wow! That's so awesome!! I hope it works out where you can meet him." The news was if me potentially meeting a film director. Why would she comment? If I wasn't into someone I would shy away from them at all costs...
doeblin Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 (edited) Do you even listen to the advice people gave you in your other thread? STOP worrying about the signs!A comment on facebook means nothing in itself, it was just polite and friendly. If you want to know whether she's interested in you romantically, ask her out for a date -- if she flakes or rejects you, you will have your answer. Heck she might even accept! You never know. That's how it works. You've already asked her out and she gave you a very vague answer without a counteroffer. You can try again, but I suggest you move on. Meanwhile talk to other girls. And to answer the question in the title: you are beating yourself up, because you keep beating yourself up, duh. So stop it. It's a bad habit like picking your nose... only it's less healthy. Whenever you start this rumination spiral, just push it away. It's all in your head, and you have the ability to stop it. So work on it. A good book on mindfulness could help. Keep calm and carry on! Edited December 7, 2014 by doeblin
deathandtaxes Posted December 7, 2014 Posted December 7, 2014 Perhaps. I like to hold onto hope. Dood..don't waste another thought on this. She rejected you politely with no counteroffer. SHE IS NOT INTERESTED. She's doing you a favor. Why go out with somebody who doesn't want to be with you? 1
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted December 8, 2014 Author Posted December 8, 2014 Do you even listen to the advice people gave you in your other thread? A comment on facebook means nothing in itself, it was just polite and friendly. If you want to know whether she's interested in you romantically, ask her out for a date -- if she flakes or rejects you, you will have your answer. Heck she might even accept! You never know. That's how it works. You've already asked her out and she gave you a very vague answer without a counteroffer. You can try again, but I suggest you move on. Meanwhile talk to other girls. And to answer the question in the title: you are beating yourself up, because you keep beating yourself up, duh. So stop it. It's a bad habit like picking your nose... only it's less healthy. Whenever you start this rumination spiral, just push it away. It's all in your head, and you have the ability to stop it. So work on it. A good book on mindfulness could help. Keep calm and carry on! To say no, you have to have a better yes.
organizedchaos Posted December 8, 2014 Posted December 8, 2014 Now here's where I'm confused - yesterday I posted some great news in Facebook and she commented saying "Wow! That's so awesome!! I hope it works out where you can meet him." The news was if me potentially meeting a film director. Why would she comment? If I wasn't into someone I would shy away from them at all costs... That's you. Doesn't mean that's what everyone else would do.
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 That's you. Doesn't mean that's what everyone else would do. Should I message her over Christmas break or is that just shooting myself in the foot....
Under The Radar Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Should I message her over Christmas break or is that just shooting myself in the foot.... It's shooting yourself in the foot ...... Like others have said, if she was interested, she would have made it clear by suggesting another date. Move on. 1
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 It's shooting yourself in the foot ...... Like others have said, if she was interested, she would have made it clear by suggesting another date. Move on. Then why does everyone on here say to "man up"? I don't have anything to lose at this point - might as well take a chance....
doeblin Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Then why does everyone on here say to "man up"? I don't have anything to lose at this point - might as well take a chance.... "Man up" means: If she is interested, make a move; if she isn't, move on. This was a polite refusal from her part: I appreciate your invitation but I'm not sure I will have time this weekend. I already have some plans with friends and a lot of studying and a few more assignments to do :/ but thanks for asking. "appreciate" is too formal, she is distancing herself"but I'm not sure" vaaaague"I already have some plans with friends" = drinking frappuccino with my roommate is more important than dating you"but thanks for asking." No counteroffer. Move on.
losangelena Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Message her if you want—you truly have nothing to lose. If you want to do it, don't let the potential opinion of one person stop you.
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Message her if you want—you truly have nothing to lose. If you want to do it, don't let the potential opinion of one person stop you. Yeah! Can't wait to prove everyone wrong
GSP21 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 (edited) Hey OP, I disagree what most of what people are saying in this thread. If she is in school, it is examination period and a lot of girls don't have dating on their mind at all. What she said was a perfectly reasonable explanation, and I'm not sure it was a rejection. The fact that she did not suggest and alternative could possibly be due to her extreme focus and stress on doing well on her finals. Ask her out during the Christmas Break again, if she rejects you again, then move on. The girl I'm seeing currently is not all that different. We actually went on 2 or 3 dates before exams but we've more or less cut off communication the last week and a half or so aside from the occasional text because we both want to achieve high grades in our University examinations. Good luck! Edited December 15, 2014 by GSP21
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 "Man up" means: If she is interested, make a move; if she isn't, move on. This was a polite refusal from her part: "appreciate" is too formal, she is distancing herself"but I'm not sure" vaaaague"I already have some plans with friends" = drinking frappuccino with my roommate is more important than dating you"but thanks for asking." No counteroffer. Move on. You're looking at the situation from a negative perspective
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Hey OP, I disagree what most of what people are saying in this thread. If she is in school, it is examination period and a lot of girls don't have dating on their mind at all. What she said was a perfectly reasonable explanation, and I'm not sure it was a rejection. The fact that she did not suggest and alternative could possibly be due to her extreme focus and stress on doing well on her finals. Ask her out during the Christmas Break again, if she rejects you again, then move on. The girl I'm seeing currently is not all that different. We actually went on 2 or 3 dates before exams but we've more or less cut off communication the last week and a half or so aside from the occasional text because we both want to achieve high grades in our University examinations. Good luck! Yeah! That's what I'm saying - the weekend I asked her out happened to be finals weekend....
smackie9 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 If a girl thought you were all hot and s&$* then she wouldn't let anything stand in her way, not even finals. Anyone can find time to send a flirty text, meet up for an hour, etc. if they are hot for ya. You get excuses..... it's big fat no.
GSP21 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 If a girl thought you were all hot and s&$* then she wouldn't let anything stand in her way, not even finals. Anyone can find time to send a flirty text, meet up for an hour, etc. if they are hot for ya. You get excuses..... it's big fat no. I call BS. Perhaps this girl is a highly motivated, dedicated student with big career aspirations. For example, the girl I am seeing is a pre-med, there is no way she would jeopardize her University grades for a *possible* relationship with a guy she doesn't know very well. If she was dating a guy for a while and he was dying of cancer or something, then obviously, she would prioritize that over studying, but a first date? Nah. Of course, I don't know OP's girl, so I can't be definitive about this. I'm just providing possible reasons for her behaviour.
Recommended Posts