Days like this...

[ThreeYearsDumb]

I hate the cyclical nature of this coping process. I found out Monday that my Ex went off on a day trip with her new "boyfriend" and had our child spend the night with another family member. I picked up the kid from the family member, who spilled the beans on why, and proceeded to tell me that she is worried about my Ex, she is acting strangely and not herself. I was surprisingly calm and collected and just said that is strange, but we don't talk very much and hope she is ok. I felt decent the rest of the week, and I had my kid to take care of, so I had to hold it all together. Last night I had a dream about my ex where we were swimming and her new guy swam up next to us. I told him I love her and she is the mother of my child and he said I love her too. Woke up at 2am, not to return to sleep. I spent all of my energy trying to be positive, and recalibrate my negative self defeating thoughts of her all week and the bad nights sleep just has left me drained.

 

 

I've tried to implement no contact as best I can, but the kid is young, I have to see her, and will see her family who share info like the above. Her family loves me, wants us together, but haven't met the new guy yet. I sent a simple straight forward text Sunday night about the child schedule and she calls me to talk about it rather than reply with a text. We start to discuss it, but she goes off and tells me it depresses her to talk to me, that she is heart broken, and I don't give her the respect she deserves and I'm not the co parent our child deserves. Then she angrily hangs up. And the next day drops the kid off with her family so she can leave early the next day for a day trip.

 

 

Today I thought about all of the things I've done for her in just the past few months which include sacrificing my ability to live alone so I can pay her more child support and provide for her rent, sacrificed a couple of my weekends with the kid so she can spend time with her family, picked my ex up for rides for her convenience, paid all of the day care fees, paid for all of the childs health insurance, driven all the way to the Ex's on my day with the kid so she can spend extra time with her doing a fun activity the kid would enjoy, paid for my ex's car insurance when she was short, paid for new tires, met her for a personal emergency when she's called me in tears twice. I initiate most of the contact when, and only when, there is some planning on the horizon that needs to be discussed. I take and pick up the kid from day care 50% of the time and she lives with me 50% of the time. I've never had someone watch the kid for me except when I've been on business trips, never social reasons as I have time for that when the kid is with her. The Ex has arranged for babysitters several times. When she called me for the emergencies, distraught, I picked her up emotionally, reminded her how I admire how strong she is, the life she has built, how she is a wonderful mother for our child and how spirited she is and to look how far she has come in life since I have known her. When I met her, she grabbed me and hugged me so tightly for so long that I knew it was genuine reaction, not a manipulation like the rest of her actions. Does this sound like I've been disrespectful or not the father my child deserves? Maybe disrespectful to myself but not to her.

 

 

Even after writing this, I would take her back. In an instant, tonight, if she showed up at my door with my child, which she won't. She resents me for ruining our coparenting relationship by telling her I've always loved her and how great our future could be and wanting to try again. This was a little before the new guy entered the picture so she hadn't met him yet. If she had been dating him, I wouldn't have made a move. We've been off and on for several years since our initial split and she has attempted to reconcile before, but I was trying to heal my emotional issues so I could be the kind of father and partner I wanted to be. She had recently started flirting with me again, talking about going on dates, and having a second kid, so these proclamations didn't come from out of the blue. She was confused about me, maybe using me, and then the new guy entered the picture and there was kind of a face off between us and he won. He could offer something new and a honeymoon period. He is also good friends with a new close friend of hers, someone who wasn't in the picture when we were together.

 

 

I was emotionally closed off during the relationship and I made some mistakes. She obviously has some emotional limitations as well. I regret that when she reminisces of me she'll remember the mistakes I made, and that she won't truly know that I did love her, and I did show her, hell I still try to show her, but I just wasn't capable of a lot emotionally at the time. I have been in counseling to try and heal, but we all know it is not as fast as we'd like. I also attend a support group for Adult Children of Alcoholics to learn a little more about why I am the way I am and for some fellowship so I don't feel so alone. My friends and family all have little kids at home, families, so I can impose upon them once in a while but the fact of the matter is they can't be the support I need.

 

 

I have to detach and let her go, but it is a struggle. I know I'm not responsible for her, or her emotional health, but she affects me, she will always be in my life and I truly miss sharing my life with her. I have woken up every morning for the last four months and the first bitter thought of the day is that she is not in my life as she once was, as I want her to be. We all know how much energy and courage it takes to lift yourself up from that first bitter thought to pursue the day ahead, and we are, all of us, doing just that.

Edited December 6, 2014 by ThreeYearsDumb

[OneConfuzedGuy]

Wow man that must be tough. Especially with a child in the picture, I can only imagine. I am getting over a 4.5 year breakup with a girl I thought I was going to marry. I can see how I am not the only one and how people go through the same thing if not worse then me. I can't imagine anyone else feeling worst then me but sure enough they are. It sounds like she really doesn't know what she wants. It is best for you to stay strong and be the best parent you can be. If you do that, then who knows maybe she will come back. But I don't think you can force it, just try to do the best you can.

 

I completely understand when you talk about waking up the past 4 months and as soon as you wake up realizing she is not in your life anymore like she use to be.

 

I am 3 months in and I feel the same way when I way up, and have to get over that initial thought to push through the day. I don't really have an answer for that though, because I am going through it too. but it helps to know that I am not the only one and it is a normal feeling to have. All we can do is try to accept it and have the best day we can. I feel you brotha, even though our circumstances may be different, I believe the way we feel in our hearts are the same. Stay strong. Hoping for the best.

[Lostdreams]

Hi threeyears,

 

I'm sorry that you are living this pain and when children are involved it does pull your heartstrings more. I have a 50/50 custody arrangement since a number of years with my ex - our son is now 13.

 

Yes you are being disrespectful to yourself - you have done way too much for this lady. OK she's the mother of your child - but you have split up and you now need to preserve your own life and also your finances.

 

You are being more than a good co-parent - don't let her try and give you a guilt trip about that. Heck you have even been a Daddy to her as well. Sorting our her car, topping up her month ends..... you have been too good - she has been manipulative. You could never say no - I believe she has got into the habit of using you.

 

Now there's a new guy in the picture - this has affected you badly and maybe destroys the hope you had to rebuild things. I hope it also makes you a little bit angry and you can use that to motivate yourself towards making some positive changes in your life. If he remains in her life or not should not reduce your resolve to take better care of yourself and make steps to move forward from this relationship.

 

You need to pull back and accept this break-up - it's hard I know - but you have to build secure boundaries for the joint parenting which will be in place for a number of years to come because your child is so young. This is not only required for you - but also for your child.

 

I don't know how the custody was set up but usually child support amounts and the 50% time share is officially documented. You have to enforce that she no longer arranges events on your weekend and you should also not just give in to her demands for adjustments when it suits her - sure it can be done occasionally as a one off - but not just at her whim.

 

Her family may like you and being close with them may make you feel closer to her but you should reduce the contact with her and her family to a strict minimum and only for arrangements relating to the child. If they try to talk to you about her - then you have to say something - I'm sorry this is none of my business, it's not my place to comment,.

 

Please also review your financial arrangements and if possible stop sacrificing your own home arrangements to fund your ex. In doing this you are also sacrificed family living for the 50% of the time you child is there.

 

It's also not a crime to get a baby-sitter from time to time - not for her and not for you either. It's not a competition who is the most caring and diligent parent - we can become very wound up and judgmental about what we think the ex does or doesn't do for the child. Energy should be focused on doing the best for the child so he/she can grow up as well as possible with separated parents. Both parents must preserve the child from the adult issues or bad feelings which may be stewing

 

We all make mistakes during relationships the "blame" burden is shared - the counseling and support group you attend is already great and continue with this. Accept that recovery will take time.

 

Go out with your friends, family, sport, hobbies, reading, outdoor activities - kids activities are fun as well it's gets you out to meet people - parent/kid swimming classes, play dates, exploring the forest etc.

 

You wrote it exactly as it is - I have to detach and let her go - yes - already realizing this is positive - keep you chin up and all the best

Edited December 6, 2014 by Lostdreams

[Danda]

Today I thought about all of the things I've done for her in just the past few months which include

-paid all of the day care fees,

-paid for all of the childs health insurance

 

 

I know you are hurting big time but please try as hard as you can to never consider things you do for your child as things you do for your ex.

 

Please pay for your child's day care and health insurance because you love your child and want them to have a safe place to stay and adequate medical care.

 

It sounds like your ex might have the mentality to use your shared child as leverage or a pawn, just with the fatherhood guilt trips already and whatnot. It could be tricky not falling into the game, yourself.

 

I also grew up with an hardcore alcoholic father. From me to you right now, you know how much your child loves and needs you, right? You know how insanely important you are, right?

 

I know you're in a lot of pain but please don't ever forget that. 20 years from now you might be totally indifferent to your ex and be moved on with a new girlfriend/wife and be doing way better. Your ex's well-being and view towards you isn't the one that matters.

 

You take care of you and keep being a great dad.

[tobrieornottobrie]

It sounds like a lot has happened and I'm really sorry to hear that you are hurting. Are you still attending counseling to continue healing? It sounds like you care a great deal for your child maybe just focusing in on your relationship with your kiddo will be a good distraction from everything else that has taken place. I wish you the best and I really hope that it gets better for you, friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[ThreeYearsDumb]

Thanks tobries! I am still in counseling once a week. It does help reorganize my thoughts and try to keep as much mental balance as possible. I'm about 4 months in from our most recent break up, and she started seeing the new guy right after, so it's all still relatively new. I'm worried about having the.is relationship claim more of my life than it should, but you can't rush healing.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm glad that you are working through it and I hope that it continues to get better for you! Blessings!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees