I have no problem attracting women but...

[sde3310]

Hello, I'm a longtime lurker of this site but just wanted to share my experience.

 

I suffered through a fairly devastating breakup of a very serious, three year relationship in March of this year. I was planning to propose to this girl about a month before I discovered her infidelity, betrayal, etc. The cheating had been going on for about two weeks, but this was compounded by the fact that her parents had recently met mine and everything was seemingly going amazingly great. I've never really been single throughout adulthood, having a long term girlfriend right out of high school and then this last one. So here I am, in my late 20s, single for the first time.

 

I have lots of advantages. I'm quick witted, attractive, intelligent, in good shape, live in a great apartment in a wonderful part of the city, have a great car, a graduate degree, am VERY well off financially and have a solid career, am well traveled, etc.

 

I've been able to meet and go on dates with literally dozens of women, some on websites like match.com , and others through friends, etc. A couple of them have turned into mini-relationshps, but have fizzled out fairly quickly. It seems like 95% of the women I meet have nothing wrong with them - they are smart, pretty, funny, ambitious, etc. but for whatever reason I'm not interested in pursuing anything with most of these great women. Whenever I finally do find one that I like, it manages to end pretty tragically.

 

I feel as though I have all of the qualities necessary to be a great boyfriend, and am serious about finding a new relationship. I have lots of free time and spend hours every day thinking about this, maybe I'm trying to force it?

 

I feel like most men would LOVE to be in my position, but frankly I don't enjoy it. I'm not one for casual sex and quite frankly, being single is a big step out of my comfort zone and I'm used to sharing my life with a partner. I've gotten good at playing the "game" but don't enjoy it, and it seems as though I'm my own worst enemy. I figured I'd post here to see what, if any advice someone might have for someone in my situation.

[thelonewolflegend]

How do you play the game exactly im learning

[smackie9]

You need to stop working so hard at finding a relationship and get busy with life. Hang out with a good social group that is into doing different things, have fun and stop focusing so hard on find a GF.

 

I think that is why things fizzle out is because you are not being your true self, and not emotionally ready to date someone new. Your expectations are not realistic, your brain is still stuck on your last GF. Give yourself more time, and find things to do with your time that are productive.

[rdet123]

I think once you learn how to love being by yourself the right girl will fall right in your lap. Sounds like you don't enjoy being single. It's hard to enjoy it if you've always been in a relationship. But now is a critical time for you to grow and learn more about yourself than ever before. If I were you I would hold off dating for a few months and get back to the person you were before you started dating anyone. Get to know you again!

[d0nnivain]

You took a giant hit to your sense of self. That level of damage takes as much or more time to heal then a similar physical injury. You are still in pain. Until you fully heal, you won't be able to move forward with a new relationship. Hang in there. Each day is a step closer to being ready. You can't change the time table by which you get over the flu; you can't push the time table on this either.

[sde3310]

Thanks for the prompt replies.

 

It never really occurred to me that I might not be over my ex. At first of course it was difficult, but as I met more and more different women I haven't really thought about her much at all. Frankly, I resent her because of what she did and could never take her back, so I only see the way forward.

 

The last girl I met and let myself get close to really pulled a number on me - Her and I got very close for about a month, it was a fairly intense relationship, she asked me to become exclusive with her, I agreed, and then a week later she vanished off the face of the planet with no explanation, ignoring the couple of attempts I made to reach out.... I took this loss particularly hard, and I'm not sure why because I only knew her for five weeks total.

 

I agree that I'm not used to being alone, and find it difficult to fill my free time because i have SO much of it. My job does not require a lot of hours for me to be very good at, and I have been able to more than triple my production/income since the breakup. I have a great group of friends and since the breakup have gotten into the best physical shape of my life. Everything else seems to be going so well, and the lack of a significant other to share my time with, travel with, etc really leaves me feeling like I have a gaping hole in my life I need to fill.

 

It's really taking a toll on me and I seem to spend way too much time thinking about it. I agree with the point about perhaps unrealistic expectations. I've met some absolutely amazing women that on paper are better in every way than anyone I've ever dated, yet I seem to fall for the ones that tug at my emotional heartstrings rather than my practical side.

[smackie9]

Not emotionally ready : you are still resentful of your ex and what she did. Last close one, abandoned you, you are emotionally raw still from that.....you are looking for a GF for the wrong reasons, like emotional fulfillment. Emotional fulfillment should come from you...dependency on another for fulfillment is called codependency. It's toxic to your well being. You can't be happy with someone until you are happy with yourself....at this point in time you are not, and that is why there is failure.

[sde3310]

Not emotionally ready : you are still resentful of your ex and what she did. Last close one, abandoned you, you are emotionally raw still from that.....you are looking for a GF for the wrong reasons, like emotional fulfillment. Emotional fulfillment should come from you...dependency on another for fulfillment is called codependency. It's toxic to your well being. You can't be happy with someone until you are happy with yourself....at this point in time you are not, and that is why there is failure.

 

sure, that makes some sense... this is all foreign territory for me. I'm the sort of person that is very good at working towards and achieving goals, and it doesn't seem like there are any concrete steps I can take to start moving in the right direction.

 

Its immensely frustrating

[sde3310]

I also feel that as soon as I'm on a date with a girl, I'm immediately evaluating whether or not she could be my girlfriend. I think about what she would be like in a relationship, would she get along with my friends, etc. I'm sure some of that is normal, but sometimes I end up rejecting them for silly reasons that probably don't make a lot of sense.

 

I do go out there and have fun, but I don't see it as casual dating, more like me looking for something very specific - and I think as a result I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. I've been on over 30 first dates since the breakup, and more than ten second dates. At first, most of the women never stood a chance because I think I was just trying to see as many girls as possible, maybe a self-validation thing. The last few months I've slowed down a little bit - I'm just having so much trouble finding someone that both connects with me on an emotional level and that checks the boxes as far as what I'm looking for. Its unbelievably frustrating.

 

I feel like I don't want to stop dating because dating is the only thing that seems to make me feel like i'm actively working towards solving the problem

[toscaroscura]

sure, that makes some sense... this is all foreign territory for me. I'm the sort of person that is very good at working towards and achieving goals, and it doesn't seem like there are any concrete steps I can take to start moving in the right direction.

 

Its immensely frustrating

 

Emotions don't really respond to the goal-setting mindset. They are what they are. You need to work through them and give it time.

 

They say the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. The fact that you feel resentment or residual anger towards your ex (understandable!) means that you are not in a place of indifference yet, and therefore not emotionally ready.

[smackie9]

One thing I learned, when you look for it you never find it. Stop looking......love will find you when you least expect it.

[TouchedByViolet]

I disagree with most of the above posters. You sound ready for a relationship but just haven't met the right person yet.

 

Since you have always been in relationships you don't know that finding a long term relationship partner often takes time. For some it takes years. I feel like if you keep doing what you are doing it will work out. Women clearly want to be with you and have sex, so it's just about finding a personality connection.

[toscaroscura]

I disagree with most of the above posters. You sound ready for a relationship but just haven't met the right person yet.

 

Since you have always been in relationships you don't know that finding a long term relationship partner often takes time. For some it takes years. I feel like if you keep doing what you are doing it will work out. Women clearly want to be with you and have sex, so it's just about finding a personality connection.

 

I disagree because OP has admitted himself that he will often disqualify a woman rashly based on silly things. This tells me there's a yearning to fill the void his ex left, whatever that may be. It may not even be *her* per se, but just that security that comes with a long term relationship.

 

I was married for many years, and I understand that yearning to at least get back to that comfortable place. The initial stages of dating, with all that uncertainty and newness and vulnerability, can be scary to someone who had become accustomed to the comfort and security that an established LTR brings.

[sde3310]

I disagree because OP has admitted himself that he will often disqualify a woman rashly based on silly things. This tells me there's a yearning to fill the void his ex left, whatever that may be. It may not even be *her* per se, but just that security that comes with a long term relationship.

 

I was married for many years, and I understand that yearning to at least get back to that comfortable place. The initial stages of dating, with all that uncertainty and newness and vulnerability, can be scary to someone who had become accustomed to the comfort and security that an established LTR brings.

 

I think the biggest frustration is that I haven't found one that is right for me yet after having gone on literally dozens of first dates and trying very hard. With my other two major relationships, I met them organically and never really "dated" - it just happens. Now I feel like I'm just searching and searching to no avail.

[smackie9]

Just what I said, let them find you.

 

Going out dating like mad raises your expectations unrealistically, which is why you are so frustrated.

[soyou]

No matter how good looking, well- shaped, and financially stable you are, if i sense that you're desperately looking for a relationship or you dont know how to entertain yourself/ fill up your own free time. I RUN!!!

 

To me, that shows that you're boring, very codependent, and desperate. That's not attractive.

 

Perhaps, the (desperate) vibe you send out attracts the wrong type of audience?

 

You should learn how to enjoy your single life. From my own experience, being single is one of the most precious and treasurable time in my life. I learn so much about myself, stand so strong on my own feet that nobody can **** around with my own happiness. Or whatever things happen to my life, I bounce back very fast because I learn how to love, calm myself down and enjoy being with myself no matter what.

[sde3310]

No matter how good looking, well- shaped, and financially stable you are, if i sense that you're desperately looking for a relationship or you dont know how to entertain yourself/ fill up your own free time. I RUN!!!

 

To me, that shows that you're boring, very codependent, and desperate. That's not attractive.

 

Perhaps, the (desperate) vibe you send out attracts the wrong type of audience?

 

You should learn how to enjoy your single life. From my own experience, being single is one of the most precious and treasurable time in my life. I learn so much about myself, stand so strong on my own feet that nobody can **** around with my own happiness. Or whatever things happen to my life, I bounce back very fast because I learn how to love, calm myself down and enjoy being with myself no matter what.

 

Sure, i see what you mean. I definitely don't enjoy the single life very much, and I'm not really sure how to do so. I spent a lot of time with friends and am always meeting new people. I just find it really hard to connect with someone romantically.

 

Maybe I am a little "burned out" on dating but I'm concerned that stopping would be pretty much giving up. I do enjoy the dates and always have fun on them, but then for whatever reason I usually am not interested in seeing the person again, i guess I'm just not feeling it most of the time.

[Hopeful30]

I am a female version of you. It sucks being single when you're a relationship person. But you can't really control it. Sometimes you meet people, sometimes you don't and have no choice but to remain single.

 

Such is life, my friend.

[spiderowl]

I also feel that as soon as I'm on a date with a girl, I'm immediately evaluating whether or not she could be my girlfriend. I think about what she would be like in a relationship, would she get along with my friends, etc. I'm sure some of that is normal, but sometimes I end up rejecting them for silly reasons that probably don't make a lot of sense.

 

I do go out there and have fun, but I don't see it as casual dating, more like me looking for something very specific - and I think as a result I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. I've been on over 30 first dates since the breakup, and more than ten second dates. At first, most of the women never stood a chance because I think I was just trying to see as many girls as possible, maybe a self-validation thing. The last few months I've slowed down a little bit - I'm just having so much trouble finding someone that both connects with me on an emotional level and that checks the boxes as far as what I'm looking for. Its unbelievably frustrating.

 

I feel like I don't want to stop dating because dating is the only thing that seems to make me feel like i'm actively working towards solving the problem

 

It takes time for people to get to know each other and feel free to become more vulnerable and let others in. Maybe you are seeing the superficial aspect because you are not giving anyone time. I am not suggesting that you should try more dates with someone you are not keen on but to reflect on why you are not giving the ones you like a chance.

 

Like others say, it could well be to do with recent disappointments and fear of getting hurt again so soon. I feel if you just relax and make friends with women rather than feel it has to be a date, then eventually someone will stand out and become special to you. Just need to give yourself time to start trusting again.

[Danda]

So you are used to the feeling of being in a close, long-standing relationship, and you miss that feeling.

 

But that is a feeling that takes time to create. Obviously.

 

So you go out on dates, maybe date a woman for a little while, and that is what it feels like. Like you've known each other for a little while, not a long time. Like you're getting to know each other, not like you're really close, because you're not yet.

 

And then rather than being patient and letting it get to the point where you have been together for a while and do know each other well, you go, "This is not the feeling I want," and then bail, either literally or by withdrawing into a "fade."

 

Is that about right?

 

That was the impression I was starting to get, until you called a one month dating experience an "intense relationship". Then I felt about 90% sure. It may have felt intense, but not because it was an intense connection. Rather because your needs were intense and you were probably projecting, emotionally dive-bombing into it, as if to subconsciously say, "I can't handle waiting for this to actually be meaningful, so I'm going to decide that it's meaningful right now."

 

And chances are she was the same way. People who move very fast emotionally tend to attract each other, because they scare everyone else off early on or fade out fast when they sense the other person isn't the same way they are.

 

Lots of people giving good advice about getting comfortable with yourself, so that you don't fear being alone nor fake your way through dating experiences. But the reason this is good advice is because if you don't accomplish this, then you will wind up either (A) emotionally dive-bombing way too early on in a dating relationship, or (B) disengaging way too early because your expectations are unrealistic. Over and over again.

[sde3310]

So you are used to the feeling of being in a close, long-standing relationship, and you miss that feeling.

 

But that is a feeling that takes time to create. Obviously.

 

So you go out on dates, maybe date a woman for a little while, and that is what it feels like. Like you've known each other for a little while, not a long time. Like you're getting to know each other, not like you're really close, because you're not yet.

 

And then rather than being patient and letting it get to the point where you have been together for a while and do know each other well, you go, "This is not the feeling I want," and then bail, either literally or by withdrawing into a "fade."

 

Is that about right?

 

That was the impression I was starting to get, until you called a one month dating experience an "intense relationship". Then I felt about 90% sure. It may have felt intense, but not because it was an intense connection. Rather because your needs were intense and you were probably projecting, emotionally dive-bombing into it, as if to subconsciously say, "I can't handle waiting for this to actually be meaningful, so I'm going to decide that it's meaningful right now."

 

And chances are she was the same way. People who move very fast emotionally tend to attract each other, because they scare everyone else off early on or fade out fast when they sense the other person isn't the same way they are.

 

Lots of people giving good advice about getting comfortable with yourself, so that you don't fear being alone nor fake your way through dating experiences. But the reason this is good advice is because if you don't accomplish this, then you will wind up either (A) emotionally dive-bombing way too early on in a dating relationship, or (B) disengaging way too early because your expectations are unrealistic. Over and over again.

 

I think you may be right. It's interesting because when I met my last long term girlfriend, I knew her for years before we got together and actually didn't find her particularly attractive, in fact I thought she was pretty annoying. By the time we broke up I was convinced (at the time) that she was the most perfect female to ever grace the planet.

 

The part about "I can't handle waiting for this to actually be meaningful, so I'm going to decide that its meaningful right now" makes a lot of sense. I feel like both her and I may have been similar in that regard, as things moved very quickly before she ended it quickly. I did learn that she had recently gotten out of a pretty long relationship, so maybe me being a "rebound guy" had something to do with it, or maybe she thought she wanted something with me, and then changed her mind. Either way, I'm starting to believe I'm so frustrated over this because its the idea that I almost HAD it (a relationship with a girl I actually liked!!!) after so many dates with so many women.

 

Your A/B options are pretty much exactly what happens to me. I guess I give them a couple of dates to impress me and either get bored/vanish or simply don't find myself engaging.

 

So the question then becomes, how do I become more comfortable with being single? Is the idea to STOP dating? or simply hang out with all of these girls just as "friends?" The last part is a little difficult in the online dating world since there seem to be all kinds of expectations.