It's a prof thing

[Strangeland]

Hi everyone!

 

I'm a 23-year-old female student at a university in Michigan. I got a new prof this year for one of my courses, a guy in his mid-30s I became interested in over the last couple months.

When I would sit in his lecture in the front row he would keep looking at me for a longer period of time and I would return his glances but rather expressionless. You know, not like smiling or anything. I would just look attentively.

A week ago I paid him a visit at his office during his office hours to have a little chat with him about the lectures in general. I came in and he greeted me with an overwhelmingly radiant smile (couldn't find a cheesier word, sorry). That bastard made me forget my own name :watermelon: Must be some kind of super power. So I sat down and we talked about 40 minutes and a little past his office hour. He did most of the talking making sure to explain his answers thoroughly (Jesus, did this guy talk). What I observed about him while listening is that his pupils were damn big. Like truck tires (I hope he ain't using or something). When he was done talking I wanted to thank him and leave but he asked me how my project was going (everyone in this course got the same project for which we have a couple months to work on) and if I needed any help. I answered that I haven't got started yet so he offered me to come again after Christmas Break so he could help me. I was a little surprised about this offer since it's not his job to help us with the project but the teaching assistants'. You know, the boring work is for the inferiors. Again, I wanted to leave and he asked me if I have any other questions so we talked again about some other crap. This time, I even got on my feet and put my jacket on but he started talking again. Maybe he craved some company, I don't know. I know though, that there are a lot of female students who would love to keep him company. I smiled and offered him my hand to shake and thanked him for his time. He smiled back and invited me once more to come back after Christmas break and I finally left.

Now brace yourself for some teenage stuff: the reason I wanted to leave so badly was that I felt highly nervous in his presence. The good kind of nervous. When I walked out of his office I actually had to sit on the nearest bench because my legs got wobbly. I don't like being like that cause it makes it hard to think clearly and that's how bad decisions are born.

I would like to drop by again. However, I dislike asking for help and prefer to take care of my school stuff by myself. I could have a little conversation with my pride and kindly ask it to stay out of this at least once.

As you have probably figured out by now I do like that guy and would like to get to know him better preferably outside the classroom. I don't see him primarily as a professor or somebody superior to me as I don't perceive anybody that way. I mean, we're all just humans, right? At the end of the day we don't differ that much. So yeah, I primarily perceive him as a guy who seems interesting to me.

Please also note, that our university policy DOES NOT forbid student-professor relationships.

 

So, what do you guys think? Does his behavior in any way indicate interest? Do you have experienced something similar or have any other kind of advice for me?

 

PS: The guy ain't married, already checked.

 

I appreciate any serious answer and advice.

Thank you,

 

Strangeland

[d0nnivain]

He can probably get women anywhere. What made him excited was a student who seems to be interested in his lectures & favorite subject. You were mistaking that for flirting / romantic interest.

 

 

Even if your school does not have policy against student teach relations, which I find hard to believe, it's still a moral issue. Even if you don't want to date him for a chance to get a better grade, it will still look like favoritism. For your own reputation, do not try to initiate something until after this man no longer has the ability to grade you.

[Strangeland]

He can probably get women anywhere. What made him excited was a student who seems to be interested in his lectures & favorite subject. You were mistaking that for flirting / romantic interest.

 

 

Even if your school does not have policy against student teach relations, which I find hard to believe, it's still a moral issue. Even if you don't want to date him for a chance to get a better grade, it will still look like favoritism. For your own reputation, do not try to initiate something until after this man no longer has the ability to grade you.

 

Hi d0nnivain and thank you for your answer. The professors at our uni do not grade our stuff, the TAs do.

I can see why you find it hard to believe that there is not policy on this that doesn't forbid it but I've thoroughly checked it. Besides, I don't talk to people who aren't family about personal things and I'd assume he'd also keep it to himself if he isn't totally dumb (just hypothetically speaking).

[smackie9]

Be like anyone else that is interested in dating someone.....ask them out for a coffee or a drink.

[d0nnivain]

The TAs work for the prof. So even if they review your submissions & assign a grade, it's still the prof's responsibility.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I student is dating a prof, that prof's TAs will know about it & in a misguided effort to please their boss, the TA may grade the student differently.

 

 

Therefore it's a bad idea to try to start anything while he's your prof

 

 

Here's another concept for you to consider: the appearance of impropriety Even if there is no written policy against student / teacher dating it still looks bad. Therefore when it goes wrong or when somebody else complains, the university will still have the option to expel the student and fire the teacher on the grounds that even in the absence of a written prohibition, you both should have known better.

[mysteryscape]

I'd be really surprised if no policy against this. But in any case, if you want to make time with him, better to do it after the course is over.

 

If you want to really impress him, there's a way you can do it without asking for "help." Engage him in interesting conversation about the subject matter of the course. That is one of the biggest turn-ons you could possibly give him.

[Strangeland]

The TAs work for the prof. So even if they review your submissions & assign a grade, it's still the prof's responsibility.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I student is dating a prof, that prof's TAs will know about it & in a misguided effort to please their boss, the TA may grade the student differently.

 

 

Therefore it's a bad idea to try to start anything while he's your prof

 

 

Here's another concept for you to consider: the appearance of impropriety Even if there is no written policy against student / teacher dating it still looks bad. Therefore when it goes wrong or when somebody else complains, the university will still have the option to expel the student and fire the teacher on the grounds that even in the absence of a written prohibition, you both should have known better.

 

Thanks for the elaborate answer. I haven't thought about the last argument you mentioned.

The year ends next April and he won't be my prof anymore. Would you say it's ok to pursue things then?

[Strangeland]

I'd be really surprised if no policy against this. But in any case, if you want to make time with him, better to do it after the course is over.

 

If you want to really impress him, there's a way you can do it without asking for "help." Engage him in interesting conversation about the subject matter of the course. That is one of the biggest turn-ons you could possibly give him.

 

Thank you for your answer

I'll definitely consider your approach.

[Strangeland]

Be like anyone else that is interested in dating someone.....ask them out for a coffee or a drink.

 

Your idea seems the most logical one at first. I have dated guys his age before but he seems like a cat of a different breed. Down to earth, balanced, mature, open-minded (that's at least my impression. He could be of course a psychopath). So I assume that I should consider a different more elaborate approach than just simply "Wanna get a drink tonight?". I'd rather do that with college guys or generally younger dudes. But he deserves a classier approach

[FitChick]

He probably has a girlfriend.

[Strangeland]

He probably has a girlfriend.

 

What makes it so probable in your opinion?

[sean_89]

I agree with the others on this one, and agree that even if it isn't a policy there is a conflict of interest and ethical/moral problems with it. The implications wouldn't be good for either of you. If you ask him now and he says yes, it could be bad, if he says no, it could also be bad.

 

For what it's worth I had a friend in this situation and he decided to wait until he no longer had the woman as his professor. I think that this is the only option if you plan to pursue it.

Edited December 7, 2014 by sean_89

[smackie9]

Your idea seems the most logical one at first. I have dated guys his age before but he seems like a cat of a different breed. Down to earth, balanced, mature, open-minded (that's at least my impression. He could be of course a psychopath). So I assume that I should consider a different more elaborate approach than just simply "Wanna get a drink tonight?". I'd rather do that with college guys or generally younger dudes. But he deserves a classier approach

 

I'm 50, I suggested that because that is the way I would like to be approached. I don't like someone putting me up on a pedestal, and I'm sure he doesn't either....so take him down from there, and treat him just like anyone else.

[mysteryscape]

Try it as I said above (and which you appreciate). After the course is over, he is perfectly fair game, in my book. So wait until then. In the meantime, engage him in the subject he teaches. Believe me, if you have intelligent things to say, he'll probably love it. Don't become infatuated with him, it is all a pleasant fantasy at this point. He may or may not have a serious girlfriend, fiance, whatever, you have no way of knowing. But this way, you may actually find out if you and he have anything in common, both intellectually and personally. You will actually have an opportunity to spend a fair bit of time with him!

 

This way, he'll have a chance to get to know you some without the pressure of a possible personal relationship that would be unethical. And you'll get to know him better.

 

After the course, see if the fantasy just goes away -- often does in these student-professor things (working both ways!) -- or if it lasts.

 

If it does last, then you can get together if you both want to. Any number of ways to do that. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate -- you may actually know each other well enough that it will seem natural!

 

Good luck, I would be interested to hear how this turns out.

[Strangeland]

I'm 50, I suggested that because that is the way I would like to be approached. I don't like someone putting me up on a pedestal, and I'm sure he doesn't either....so take him down from there, and treat him just like anyone else.

 

Oh no, that's not what I meant. I don't put him on a pedestal because nobody in this world belongs on one in my opinion. I don't even see him as superior just because he's a prof and I'm "only" a student.

I'm glad to hear from somebody your age. You probably have a lot of experience.

[Strangeland]

Try it as I said above (and which you appreciate). After the course is over, he is perfectly fair game, in my book. So wait until then. In the meantime, engage him in the subject he teaches. Believe me, if you have intelligent things to say, he'll probably love it. Don't become infatuated with him, it is all a pleasant fantasy at this point. He may or may not have a serious girlfriend, fiance, whatever, you have no way of knowing. But this way, you may actually find out if you and he have anything in common, both intellectually and personally. You will actually have an opportunity to spend a fair bit of time with him!

 

This way, he'll have a chance to get to know you some without the pressure of a possible personal relationship that would be unethical. And you'll get to know him better.

 

After the course, see if the fantasy just goes away -- often does in these student-professor things (working both ways!) -- or if it lasts.

 

If it does last, then you can get together if you both want to. Any number of ways to do that. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate -- you may actually know each other well enough that it will seem natural!

 

Good luck, I would be interested to hear how this turns out.

 

Thank you very much mysteryscape! I really appreciate your input

I will post the outcome here for posterity.

[Strangeland]

I agree with the others on this one, and agree that even if it isn't a policy there is a conflict of interest and ethical/moral problems with it. The implications wouldn't be good for either of you. If you ask him now and he says yes, it could be bad, if he says no, it could also be bad.

 

For what it's worth I had a friend in this situation and he decided to wait until he no longer had the woman as his professor. I think that this is the only option if you plan to pursue it.

 

Hi Sean.

How did it go for your friend if I may ask?

It's probably the best idea to wait until he isn't my professor anymore. Until then, I will try to establish some kind of basis to go from. Just friendly, not aggressively flirty.

Thank you for your answer

[D.Mc.]

Hi Stangeland,

 

 

As to any dynamic between 20ish female college students & 30ish professors...read Joyce Carol Oates...she always has at least one story in most of her collections about this & it's never good. Yes it's fiction but it's also based on reality (her own personal one & many others).

[Strangeland]

Hi Stangeland,

 

 

As to any dynamic between 20ish female college students & 30ish professors...read Joyce Carol Oates...she always has at least one story in most of her collections about this & it's never good. Yes it's fiction but it's also based on reality (her own personal one & many others).

 

Hey D.Mc.,

 

I know that Oates wrote tons of books and stories. Is there a particular one you would recommend?

Thank you.

[mysteryscape]

On the other hand, I know a professor who married someone about 30 years younger than him after his wife died -- he was in his 60s.

 

Then, there is an English professor in Chicago -- he ended up marrying his student -- I believe she was 18 and he 45 when they met in class -- she said late in his life that they had been very happy together -- he died not so long ago.

[Strangeland]

On the other hand, I know a professor who married someone about 30 years younger than him after his wife died -- he was in his 60s.

 

Then, there is an English professor in Chicago -- he ended up marrying his student -- I believe she was 18 and he 45 when they met in class -- she said late in his life that they had been very happy together -- he died not so long ago.

 

Ok, those are quite big age differences *lol*. For us it would be approximately 13 years (I can only estimate so far but based on information I collected online he can't be older than 36).

I think it depends a lot on the two individuals involved. How mature they are, how well they can handle such a situation, etc.

I'd have to know him better to make a somewhat accurate prognosis (and even then, I'm no fortuneteller). It might turn out that we aren't even compatible or way too different. Gotta wait and see

[mysteryscape]

A very good attitude. Right now you know very little, as you realize. 13 years is not much if you both really wanted to make it work.

[smackie9]

Ok, those are quite big age differences *lol*. For us it would be approximately 13 years (I can only estimate so far but based on information I collected online he can't be older than 36).

I think it depends a lot on the two individuals involved. How mature they are, how well they can handle such a situation, etc.

I'd have to know him better to make a somewhat accurate prognosis (and even then, I'm no fortuneteller). It might turn out that we aren't even compatible or way too different. Gotta wait and see

 

That is why you go out on a date....to see what they are like and if you have things in common. Stop skirting around and just ask him out.

[smackie9]

Even if things fall flat, he could turn out to be a great friend that you share an interest in.

[Strangeland]

Even if things fall flat, he could turn out to be a great friend that you share an interest in.

 

That would also be a gain in my eyes