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Cheating & Divorce

chads88

By chads88
in Separation and Divorce

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chads88 New Member

chads88

Posted
Posted (edited)

I am new to this group and want to tell my story. I will try to keep this to the point and will be leaving many details.

 

 

I have been married for 16 years and have two children in early teens. Two years ago my wife unexpectedly started saying things like shewas not sure she was in love with me anymore. After investigating her Facebook account there was a private message from a guy about explicit sexual acts they would like to do to each other. I approached her on this and she was very sorry and said nothing ever happened. I had a hard time with this but started to forgive her. Six months later she got a text and I looked at her phone. It was from another guy, and long story short, she had engaged in sex with him approx.6 times during 5 months. Things got ugly!!! She blamed me for being a terrible husband, father and a poor excuse for a human. She became violent and I have 3 police reports from her punching me, to taking my possessions from our home. Somehow, after a couple months of craziness, we came to terms and stuck it out.I wanted to work things out for our kids and did not want to break up our family.

 

 

Since that time we have argued about various things on a monthly basis. I was always to blame and never won any of her battles. Two months ago things got bad again. I started sleeping in the living room and had limited conversations with her. A few weeks later, she came home one day and told me she filed a (stay at home) temporary order of protection on me. It was filed with lies and fabrications and I couldn’t believe she would do such a thing. I have since secured a lawyer and began the divorce process.

 

 

I believe my wife is a narcissist as I have done much research on this subject.

 

 

All I care about at this point is the well being of my children. I want shared custody more than anything and my heart is broken that our family will be torn apart. With the holidays coming, it has making things even harder. On a daily basis I am subjected to mental abuse that I just overlook. But I am human, and the personal attacks are damaging to my inner soul.

After the abuse I have taken over the past years and more, I have decided it’s not worth being upset about my marriage, but I continually worry about my children and the fear of the unknown that lies ahead.

 

 

Any support you can give me would be appreciated

Edited by chads88
DivorcedDad123 Established Member

DivorcedDad123

Posted
Posted

Good for you! Focus on getting the protection order thrown out first. Even if your atty tells you to just abide by it, you need to get it dismissed. It has long standing consequences.

Next,you need to file charges against her for falsely reporting the charges for the the protection order. Give her a taste of her own medicine.

Use the police reports to your advantage! Show the judge who the violent one is in the relationship.

If you play your cards right, she'll be begging for you to go easy on her during the divorce. Go for primary custody. She's using the PO as grounds to get the kids.

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chads88 New Member

chads88

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Already been to court with my attorney. She has advised to just let it ride out as she called it "stupid". My attorney is the best I could find and my friend used her a couple years ago with great results. I was assured by her it will not have any effect on the outcome of custody. I have to go with what she says. I have given my attorney all of the police reports and copies of texts from my wife. Threats and even her mentioning she wants to hurt herself etc...

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Yasuandio Established Member

Yasuandio

Posted
Posted

Ill start by asking you to keep always in mind words are just stupid sords, and what flows from her mouth is a comcplete defense mechanism to deflect, project, blameshift the fact of her wrongdoings and the outcome/impact such will have on your entire family unit. So, let all words roll off your back like water on a duck, be Teflon, don't allow the words to psych you out and hurt you. Now to give immediate mental healthcare advice, I want you to get to reading and implementing the 180's. As well as NC, and LC.

 

In your case, a 3rd party must be involved with the children, as your wife is lying to authorities. This is not good, of course. On the other hand, many Judges are keen to her game. Im going to give you an opposite example. My husband got very weird once the divorce started, and I stayed in a motel for a week, because I was afraid of him. He followed me to a doctor's appointment, and even busted into the corridors, where the offices were located, past the lobby. My attorney and I decided NOT TO file any restraining order because of the "appearances" of such (how the Judge might interpret it). That is, out of the clear blue, wife suddenly pulls an RO, even though there were witnesses to his conduct, it looked suspitious. You have that going for you. So just keep your nose clean. Dont get into it with her - walk away.

 

If at all possible, maybe over coffee at Starbucks, I would advise you to get a digital tape recorder and discuss the phoney TRO or whatever with her - and try to get her to incriminate herself. There is a Government website that lists the twelve US States where it is illigal to tape a private conversation without the other person's knowledge. Make sure this is legal activity in your State as it was in mine. I was able to use my recording as evidence in my Divorce trial. My attorney told me to do this, therefore, since you have antyorney, discuss it. That is being SMART.

 

This is all I have time to offer right now. I am very sorryto read what has happened to you. See the 180, etc., in Pinned Thread at top of our section, and in my signature line. There are also tons of other readings that might be helpful there. Most important 180, NC, and 3rd party involvement, plus incrimanating evidence to clear your name, in my opinion. Yas

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
I am new to this group and want to tell my story. I will try to keep this to the point and will be leaving many details.

 

 

I have been married for 16 years and have two children in early teens. Two years ago my wife unexpectedly started saying things like shewas not sure she was in love with me anymore. After investigating her Facebook account there was a private message from a guy about explicit sexual acts they would like to do to each other. I approached her on this and she was very sorry and said nothing ever happened. I had a hard time with this but started to forgive her. Six months later she got a text and I looked at her phone. It was from another guy, and long story short, she had engaged in sex with him approx.6 times during 5 months. Things got ugly!!! She blamed me for being a terrible husband, father and a poor excuse for a human. She became violent and I have 3 police reports from her punching me, to taking my possessions from our home. Somehow, after a couple months of craziness, we came to terms and stuck it out.I wanted to work things out for our kids and did not want to break up our family.

 

 

Since that time we have argued about various things on a monthly basis. I was always to blame and never won any of her battles. Two months ago things got bad again. I started sleeping in the living room and had limited conversations with her. A few weeks later, she came home one day and told me she filed a (stay at home) temporary order of protection on me. It was filed with lies and fabrications and I couldn’t believe she would do such a thing. I have since secured a lawyer and began the divorce process.

 

 

I believe my wife is a narcissist as I have done much research on this subject.

 

 

All I care about at this point is the well being of my children. I want shared custody more than anything and my heart is broken that our family will be torn apart. With the holidays coming, it has making things even harder. On a daily basis I am subjected to mental abuse that I just overlook. But I am human, and the personal attacks are damaging to my inner soul.

After the abuse I have taken over the past years and more, I have decided it’s not worth being upset about my marriage, but I continually worry about my children and the fear of the unknown that lies ahead.

 

 

Any support you can give me would be appreciated

 

Get yourself and your kids to family counseling together so they can adjust to all the changes that are happening, and also for yourself (though go on your own too) so you can undo some of the damage that your narcissistic wife has put upon you. It's sad that she has done a 180 and rewritten your marriage in a negative way, when in fact it seems you had a pretty good life together as a family unit before she chose to cheat on you.

Yasuandio Established Member

Yasuandio

Posted
Posted
Already been to court with my attorney. She has advised to just let it ride out as she called it "stupid". My attorney is the best I could find and my friend used her a couple years ago with great results. I was assured by her it will not have any effect on the outcome of custody. I have to go with what she says. I have given my attorney all of the police reports and copies of texts from my wife. Threats and even her mentioning she wants to hurt herself etc...

 

Yeah, she is spinning. That is perfect, she is wacking, cracking under pressure, it is evidence that she know she screwed up, and might get caught. BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS, IT IS ALL LIES.

 

B.S. from the mouth of a Capital Bee. Use it to show her instability, but keep your lip zipped.

 

Listen to DivorcedDad123. You HAVE TO clear your name. It doesn't seem like a big deal right now, but it will be in the furure, it is a record, yhat never goes away. DD123 has got this down. LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN to Divorceddad123 about PO, RO, or TRO.

 

Disappearing that is Priority Numeral Uno. Man, I hope you got that. Y

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chads88 New Member

chads88

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Its not legal to record someone in my state without them knowing prior to the conversation. When my good friend was going through his divorce, he recorded many things and none of it was valid evidence. Part of the court order is to not discuss the divorce with the children. I have been very quiet about everything I say. The kids know something is up but I will not engage them in anything about this. Counseling will be needed when everything is over.

Yasuandio Established Member

Yasuandio

Posted
Posted (edited)
Its not legal to record someone in my state without them knowing prior to the conversation. When my good friend was going through his divorce, he recorded many things and none of it was valid evidence. Part of the court order is to not discuss the divorce with the children. I have been very quiet about everything I say. The kids know something is up but I will not engage them in anything about this. Counseling will be needed when everything is over.

 

Oh, well. There is always the truth.

 

The truth is like a lion. Once you set it free, it will defend itself!

 

St. Augustine

Edited by Yasuandio
DivorcedDad123 Established Member

DivorcedDad123

Posted
Posted

Wait! Your atty told to "ride out" the protection order? That's a huge red flag if that's what you mean.

A protection order has huge consequences,not just for child custody.In the US, you'll be banned from ever owning a firearm, never have security clearance, and employers( and potential employers in the future) will know.

Yasuandio Established Member

Yasuandio

Posted
Posted
Wait! Your atty told to "ride out" the protection order? That's a huge red flag if that's what you mean.

A protection order has huge consequences,not just for child custody.In the US, you'll be banned from ever owning a firearm, never have security clearance, and employers( and potential employers in the future) will know.

 

Right you are, DD123. Some attorneys are stupid. Some attorneys are dumb. Some attorneys are lazy. Some attorneys are unethical. Some attories are dishonest. Some attorneys dont give a crap about your interests. Some attorney have one or more of the aformentioned qualities, which can help you and hurt you.

 

One thing is for sure and certain, your attorney is not your friend. And this attorney told you to overlook something that WILL impact the rest of your life. That is a big, uh, DUH.

 

Do not trust THIS attorney. In fact, do not trust ANY attorney. Be an active participant in your case, or you will get nailed to the cross. No matter how bad it hurts, you got to PLAY THROUGH THE PAIN.

 

Your best resource right now is DD123, you better get your ducks screwed on straight, and pm this dude regular basis. Keep posting. Yas

GirlStillStrong Established Member

GirlStillStrong

Posted
Posted

Why, may I ask, are you still living with her if you are being subjected to daily abuse? And how can you be living with her if she has attained a Protective Order? So she has falsely accused you of what? Beating her? And you are going to do nothing to defend yourself or otherwise stand up for yourself in court because one attorney has told you it is "stupid?"

 

It sounds to me like you are being irresponsible with your own self and your own life. I hope you start paying more attention to, and taking care of, yourself. You need a new attorney because this one is doing nothing for you.

MightyQuinn Established Member

MightyQuinn

Posted
Posted

I can identify a bit with your story. No kids, but hubby is kind of a headcase. Funny how I didn't think it was as bad as it was until I realized how much of what he said and did was probably an attempt to keep me "off balance" in our relationship. Keep me distracted with stupid arguments, while he was enjoying his side-dish(es) (I have no idea how many people or how long his cheating was going on - I feel like such a fool).

 

I'm sure mine is a narcissist too. Actually, I was looking up personality disorders, and like 3 of them described him to a T (Paranoid personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder). Funny how the rose colored glasses of love can make you put up with so much. Then once they come off, you realize just how ugly the relationship is. How ugly the other person is.

 

Hope that you can find some peace. Hope that you can keep your kids healthy. Hang in there!

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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