Broke NC and I don't know what to do (Updated)

[Chi townD]

I'll walk away for exactly that reason and when I do, I know she won't contact me again and will blame me for what transpired. She already said I'm driving her away with all the questions, indecisiveness and lack of action. I don't want to always question her and find out later that her behavior didn't change. I'm a very trusting person and I never asked her or anyone else I dated previously what they're doing or with who. I always believed a committed relationship was based on mutual trust. It wasn't until I found out about what she did that I started second guessing and questioning everything. The fact that I question what she did last nite is unhealthy and exhausting, but until now, my fear of losing her overrode her behavior, which shows how weak I've been.

 

 

Dude, this is very telling. If she was serious about getting back with you, then she would help you; no, bend over backwards to ease your mind with these questions and do everything possible to convince you that you have nothing to worry about.

 

 

I can CLEARLY see the manipulation here. She knows how desperate you are to have her back regardless of how crappy she's treated you. And if you don't conform to the way she wants this played out; well, you're pushing her away.

 

 

Problem is, you put this cheating bitch on a pedestal. Girls don't normally want to be on a pedestal because sooner or later, they realize they're looking down on you. She's convinced that she has you wrapped around her little finger.

 

 

If she wanted you back, she would be nervous, remorseful and humbled for the opportunity. The way you're describing her, it's like she could give a rats ass if she's with you or not.

 

 

Dude, time to knock her off that pedestal.

[ConfusedMike]

Dude, this is very telling. If she was serious about getting back with you, then she would help you; no, bend over backwards to ease your mind with these questions and do everything possible to convince you that you have nothing to worry about.

 

 

I can CLEARLY see the manipulation here. She knows how desperate you are to have her back regardless of how crappy she's treated you. And if you don't conform to the way she wants this played out; well, you're pushing her away.

 

 

Problem is, you put this cheating bitch on a pedestal. Girls don't normally want to be on a pedestal because sooner or later, they realize they're looking down on you. She's convinced that she has you wrapped around her little finger.

 

 

If she wanted you back, she would be nervous, remorseful and humbled for the opportunity. The way you're describing her, it's like she could give a rats ass if she's with you or not.

 

 

Dude, time to knock her off that pedestal.

 

Thanks Chi. I feel like we had a much more balanced relationship, even if I did have her on a pedestal, but that pendulum has swung way in her favor and I agree, she knows it. I'm working on taking her off that pedestal. I started a journal and I write letters to her everyday (for myself). It's interesting you bring up respect, because I told her that yesterday that there we a lack of respect and she didn't take that well.

 

Throughout all this, the memories of the past remain and the hope and beauty of what could have been and it's a powerful enemy to healing and self realization.

[ConfusedMike]

This is what cheaters do. This is how they deflect attention and put it all back on the other person. Then you sit there feeling guilty for feeling the way you do and soon enough you appease them because you don't want to upset them. So you shut your mouth and drown in your own pain while they continue to walk around without feeling any guilt or responsibility for what they've done.

 

Textbook behavior, this woman.

 

I do feel guilty, I'm not gonna lie. We had an amazing physical relationship, but I know I could have supported her emotional well being better and I kick myself for this. Would it have been enough to change her behavior? I'll never know. I do feel that I share the blame and even what she's doing today, if I had been there for her more, maybe she wouldn't feel the need to constantly go out and meet people. It's an overwhelming thought.

[Zahara]

I do feel guilty, I'm not gonna lie. We had an amazing physical relationship, but I know I could have supported her emotional well being better and I kick myself for this. Would it have been enough to change her behavior? I'll never know. I do feel that I share the blame and even what she's doing today, if I had been there for her more, maybe she wouldn't feel the need to constantly go out and meet people. It's an overwhelming thought.

 

There is NEVER a reason to cheat. If she felt you lacked in the relationship, she should have communicated it to you and worked through the issues. And if it wasn't working for her, there was no reason she couldn't have ended it with you and moved on to someone else. Instead, she cheated with more than one guy on you. Playing with each and every one of those guys, even her ex.

 

No one gets a free pass to cheat. You need to reframe that mindset.

[ConfusedMike]

There is NEVER a reason to cheat. If she felt you lacked in the relationship, she should have communicated it to you and worked through the issues. And if it wasn't working for her, there was no reason she couldn't have ended it with you and moved on to someone else. Instead, she cheated with more than one guy on you. Playing with each and every one of those guys, even her ex.

 

No one gets a free pass to cheat. You need to reframe that mindset.

 

I know you're right, but I'm such an emotional mess it will take time to reframe and get to that point.

[ConfusedMike]

I spoke to her last night and nothing was said that was any different. She was going out to a company party and I didn't hear from her all night until 2am when she got "home." I don't know if she did because she didn't respond to any texts. I texted her this morning and said her behavior was upsetting and she said she didn't respond because she was drunk. I told her that she didn't respect me so she told me to walk away. Who is this person? She's become so unrecognizable.

[irresolute]

Mike, this girl, as beautiful and fun and intelligent and everything you think she is...is not into you. I'm sorry, you need to back off and let her go.

[ConfusedMike]

I agree with you. It's hard to let go of past memories and what the future could have been, but that's all a dream now. She's a different person in a different place and I'm just an afterthought. I hope you're doing ok too. I know how tough it's been for you also but hang in there and we'll all get through this together.

[ConfusedMike]

I don't fee any relief walking away, just extreme sadness, anxiety and fear. So many memories and happiness gone in the blink of an eye and I don't understand what happened and I doubt I ever will. I won't hear from her again. She said there's no one else, but I know there is. I have no hatred or anger towards her, just a huge sense of loss. I don't know how to feel right now or what I'm supposed to do. I love her so much ugh.

[Zahara]

I don't fee any relief walking away, just extreme sadness, anxiety and fear. So many memories and happiness gone in the blink of an eye and I don't understand what happened and I doubt I ever will. I won't hear from her again. She said there's no one else, but I know there is. I have no hatred or anger towards her, just a huge sense of loss. I don't know how to feel right now or what I'm supposed to do. I love her so much ugh.

 

Everything that you feel is normal. It is going to be painful and a difficult process to go through. But there is no alternative but to feel it and let it take its course.

 

You will most likely hear from her again when she needs attention, a crutch, someone to give her an ego boost, etc. Someone like her uses people and she will use those that she knows can fulfill her needs.

 

Feel what you feel. There is no rulebook. What you're supposed to do is grieve because losing someone is equivalent to death. You're going to go through a rollercoaster of emotions. You just need to fight through and stay strong.

[Mi7522]

I don't fee any relief walking away, just extreme sadness, anxiety and fear. So many memories and happiness gone in the blink of an eye and I don't understand what happened and I doubt I ever will. I won't hear from her again. She said there's no one else, but I know there is. I have no hatred or anger towards her, just a huge sense of loss. I don't know how to feel right now or what I'm supposed to do. I love her so much ugh.

 

You need to get yourself better and create new memories and happiness with some one that appreciates you. It's hard but you will thank yourself later

[ConfusedMike]

I can't believe how much pain I'm in. I can't eat or sleep...I dream about her and it's so real. I see her everywhere. See a girl in lulu, leggings or jeans with stilettos...and there she is. It's a damn nightmare while she goes about her life. I deleted her from LinkedIn which is the only thing we had in common...thank God I don't have a FB or Instagram account. I'm mentally and physically exhausted and I can barely go through my day. I'm a dysfunctional robot on autopilot. When does this nightmare end.

Edited December 8, 2014 by ConfusedMike

[nolanola]

I'm so sorry you are going through this - I have been there!!!!! The only difference is that I took my crappy ex back after he cheated on me and then he did it again. And again. Until I was so weak it took me years to get away from him. I know how much it hurts. Think of how you wonder what she's doing and who she is with. If nothing else, tell yourself that by not communicating with her, it will be her turn to wonder who you are with and what you are doing. That helped me sometimes to separate and to keep NC. I can almost promise you that she will come back and some point, because she's done this with the other guys. She will do it to you. Don't let her jerk you around, I promise you will hate yourself when you realize how long you let her manipulate you. NC sucks so hard at first. Come on here and post when you want to contact her. Put up a paper with the number of days NC on it (or even hours, if its that bad) and every day cross the number off and put a new one. That helped me to stay strong. I will admit in the beginning, I did NC because part of me wanted him to feel bad. But the longer I went, the better I felt and the less I cared. When he did try to come back (after 3 years!!) I ignored him and could not have cared less. You can do it!!!!

[ConfusedMike]

I'm so sorry you are going through this - I have been there!!!!! The only difference is that I took my crappy ex back after he cheated on me and then he did it again. And again. Until I was so weak it took me years to get away from him. I know how much it hurts. Think of how you wonder what she's doing and who she is with. If nothing else, tell yourself that by not communicating with her, it will be her turn to wonder who you are with and what you are doing. That helped me sometimes to separate and to keep NC. I can almost promise you that she will come back and some point, because she's done this with the other guys. She will do it to you. Don't let her jerk you around, I promise you will hate yourself when you realize how long you let her manipulate you. NC sucks so hard at first. Come on here and post when you want to contact her. Put up a paper with the number of days NC on it (or even hours, if its that bad) and every day cross the number off and put a new one. That helped me to stay strong. I will admit in the beginning, I did NC because part of me wanted him to feel bad. But the longer I went, the better I felt and the less I cared. When he did try to come back (after 3 years!!) I ignored him and could not have cared less. You can do it!!!!

 

The only reason I say she will not contact me again is because the other guy doesn't know about me (just as i didn't know about him). Whereas I do and me finally calling her on it, she's likely moved onto someone else. I don't even understand how you can possibly juggle at least three guys at the same time?

 

She told me the last time I spoke to her that I'm the only guy she's ever loved and wants to marry me NOW and spend every day with me. I'm sure she's told this to the other guys too. Must be some kind of playbook. I think back on our time together...I won't call it a relationship anymore because she was apparently never mine and I think of all the lies she told me and how I brushed it off. Last year, she thought she was pregnant. I was excited, but she freaked out. In hindsight, it makes sense now. I was just one of the herd. All those emails and pics she sent other guys or texts saying she missed him and loved him...I was so blindly naive to believe her explanations despite my instincts screaming at me to run away over a year ago, but I loved her so much that I wanted to believe...I know, stupid. What's ironic in all this is she was active in her church, volunteered with children's charities and when I first met her, we'd have these long conversations and she'd tell me how she was hurt by an ex-bf that cheated on her with his ex-gf and my heart went out to her. If anything, it was because of this that I never thought she could do what she did. Seriously, what kind of sick person does that? I never thought I could be so stupid and blind, but there it is.

Edited December 9, 2014 by ConfusedMike

[nolanola]

The only reason I say she will not contact me again is because the other guy doesn't know about me (just as i didn't know about him). Whereas I do and me finally calling her on it, she's likely moved onto someone else. I don't even understand how you can possibly juggle at least three guys at the same time?

 

She told me the last time I spoke to her that I'm the only guy she's ever loved and wants to marry me NOW and spend every day with me. I'm sure she's told this to the other guys too. Must be some kind of playbook. I think back on our time together...I won't call it a relationship anymore because she was apparently never mine and I think of all the lies she told me and how I brushed it off. Last year, she thought she was pregnant. I was excited, but she freaked out. In hindsight, it makes sense now. I was just one of the herd. All those emails and pics she sent other guys or texts saying she missed him and loved him...I was so blindly naive to believe her explanations despite my instincts screaming at me to run away over a year ago, but I loved her so much that I wanted to believe...I know, stupid. What's ironic in all this is she was active in her church, volunteered with children's charities and when I first met her, we'd have these long conversations and she'd tell me how she was hurt by an ex-bf that cheated on her with his ex-gf and my heart went out to her. If anything, it was because of this that I never thought she could do what she did. Seriously, what kind of sick person does that? I never thought I could be so stupid and blind, but there it is.

They always come back. You can count on it. It may not be tomorrow or next week, but they always come back. The best thing you can do is not be there when she does come back.

People like this are self centered and only think about their own situation. They can't see how much they are hurting other people. She has forfeited any place in your heart by cheating on you, by lying to you, and by continuing to hurt you. I think I've said this in other places, but the guy I dated for 3 years (and was involved with afterwards for several years) was so awful to me, made me feel so miserable. I would literally go to work, come home, sit in front of the tv and cry. Then I would go to sleep, get up, and do it again. It was absolute hell on earth. When I went NC, it was really hard at first because I had to accept some hard truths about who he was and how he really felt about me. My ego did not want to accept that I was one of many girls he was talking to (the reason I found this out was that he sent a text to me that he had intended for another girl), I wanted to think that he really cared about me. It probably took a good 3-4 months before I could go a day without thinking about him all day. Today, it's been 4 years since we've spoken and I'm so much happier without his crap in my life. And you know what? It took him about 3 and a half years, but he did contact me. And when I ignored him, he contacted me again a few months later. So that's why I say: they always come back. But you don't have to be around for it.

As my dad always tells me: keep your chin up.

[BC1980]

The only reason I say she will not contact me again is because the other guy doesn't know about me (just as i didn't know about him). Whereas I do and me finally calling her on it, she's likely moved onto someone else. I don't even understand how you can possibly juggle at least three guys at the same time?

 

She told me the last time I spoke to her that I'm the only guy she's ever loved and wants to marry me NOW and spend every day with me. I'm sure she's told this to the other guys too. Must be some kind of playbook. I think back on our time together...I won't call it a relationship anymore because she was apparently never mine and I think of all the lies she told me and how I brushed it off. Last year, she thought she was pregnant. I was excited, but she freaked out. In hindsight, it makes sense now. I was just one of the herd. All those emails and pics she sent other guys or texts saying she missed him and loved him...I was so blindly naive to believe her explanations despite my instincts screaming at me to run away over a year ago, but I loved her so much that I wanted to believe...I know, stupid. What's ironic in all this is she was active in her church, volunteered with children's charities and when I first met her, we'd have these long conversations and she'd tell me how she was hurt by an ex-bf that cheated on her with his ex-gf and my heart went out to her. If anything, it was because of this that I never thought she could do what she did. Seriously, what kind of sick person does that? I never thought I could be so stupid and blind, but there it is.

 

It sounds like she enjoys the attention and is able to detach quickly from people. Some people can put on a really good show even when they aren't completely committed, and I think that when we love those people, we give the benefit of the doubt too often. It's emotionally difficult to extricate yourself from that type of relationship because on top of dealing with the general crud of a relationship ending, you are faced with realizing it wasn't even the relationship you thought it was. So it's kind of humiliating, and you start to second guess everything and loose trust in people.

 

There's one thing I learned quickly in life. Under no circumstances should your expect another person to act the way you would act or value what you value in a relationship. Just because I show love and respect to someone, doesn't mean they operate the same way. Just because I am serious when I invest in someone, that has no bearing on what the other person would do. You will learn how better to weed people out when their values don't match yours. Trust me, that is a life long process. I bet if you look back, you will be able to see red flags that you ignored.

[EgoJoe]

If you're in Washington state I know this girl. Hah. Read my thread if you want some perspective dude.

[ConfusedMike]

They always come back. You can count on it. It may not be tomorrow or next week, but they always come back. The best thing you can do is not be there when she does come back.

People like this are self centered and only think about their own situation. They can't see how much they are hurting other people. She has forfeited any place in your heart by cheating on you, by lying to you, and by continuing to hurt you. I think I've said this in other places, but the guy I dated for 3 years (and was involved with afterwards for several years) was so awful to me, made me feel so miserable. I would literally go to work, come home, sit in front of the tv and cry. Then I would go to sleep, get up, and do it again. It was absolute hell on earth. When I went NC, it was really hard at first because I had to accept some hard truths about who he was and how he really felt about me. My ego did not want to accept that I was one of many girls he was talking to (the reason I found this out was that he sent a text to me that he had intended for another girl), I wanted to think that he really cared about me. It probably took a good 3-4 months before I could go a day without thinking about him all day. Today, it's been 4 years since we've spoken and I'm so much happier without his crap in my life. And you know what? It took him about 3 and a half years, but he did contact me. And when I ignored him, he contacted me again a few months later. So that's why I say: they always come back. But you don't have to be around for it.

As my dad always tells me: keep your chin up.

 

Hi Nola,

 

Thanks for the support and words of encouragement. I really appreciate that you shared your story with me and in some way, I hope it helps you're healing process also. We'll get through this together and I have faith that I'll be stronger when this process is substantially done. Right now, the memories are so fresh and the dreams are so vivid. I overanalyze our past history, dissect all that was said and just go into recirc mode and do it over and over again and it's exhausting. The last time I broke no contact she told me she loved me and wanted to marry me now...but then told me "go ahead, walk away" because she said all I do is question everything she does. What really disturbs me is that I told her I couldn't let go of her hand until she let go of mine and if she ever loved me she would let go of my hand. Well, of course she ignored me and wouldn't even give me that so I told her goodbye. Can't even give me that so now I'm sure she thinks I'm the one who broke up with her...as if that's what I wanted or had a choice. The entire situation is so disappointing.

[ConfusedMike]

It sounds like she enjoys the attention and is able to detach quickly from people. Some people can put on a really good show even when they aren't completely committed, and I think that when we love those people, we give the benefit of the doubt too often. It's emotionally difficult to extricate yourself from that type of relationship because on top of dealing with the general crud of a relationship ending, you are faced with realizing it wasn't even the relationship you thought it was. So it's kind of humiliating, and you start to second guess everything and loose trust in people.

 

There's one thing I learned quickly in life. Under no circumstances should your expect another person to act the way you would act or value what you value in a relationship. Just because I show love and respect to someone, doesn't mean they operate the same way. Just because I am serious when I invest in someone, that has no bearing on what the other person would do. You will learn how better to weed people out when their values don't match yours. Trust me, that is a life long process. I bet if you look back, you will be able to see red flags that you ignored.

 

Thanks for your insight. I've followed your posts for quite some time so I appreciate your thoughts. It has been very difficult to walk away and I feel like the last three months have just been extremely toxic. Over the last 12-18 months, I was in love, blindly I might add. Over the course of our time together, there were many things she lied to me about and the red flags mounted, culminating this summer when I discovered emails, pics and other things that clearly painted a picture of who she was and it hasn't been the same since at that point, I questioned and second-guessed everything. Until that time she always denied everything or there was an excuse and i chose to accept it because I wanted to believe her so badly. Even after I found all those things, I stupidly chose to believe her (I didn't really believe her) because I wasn't prepared to lose her and of course because I thought she was different and wouldn't intentionally do something to hurt me and that there had to be a good reason. Love is truly blind. When I first met her, I thought our values were very similar, but I was clearly mistaken and I need to be more careful of who I chose to trust. I guess the difference now is that although I miss her and what I thought we had, I always had faith and hope that we could work though our issues even if the trust was missing, but I realize that there is longer any hope or faith and that's what ultimately made me walk away.

[ConfusedMike]

If you're in Washington state I know this girl. Hah. Read my thread if you want some perspective dude.

 

Haha, no I'm not in Washington, but yeah I did read your story. It's tough to go through what we're experiencing, but I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this and it gives me some comfort. How are you doing?

[johnson_j]

You need to let this one go Mike. She's completely disrespected you, and one day you will be able to take off the rose-colored glasses and see the truth.

 

 

Read my story if you want. Just a year ago a similar situation happened to me, the lying, the other man, the vacillating back and forth, the highs when we would be together, the deep deep lows when I would think about the truth and the fear of finally cutting the whole thing off. It was a long process, but a year out, I wish I had just bitten the bullet and cut her off long before I did. It felt like I'd never meet someone so beautiful or almost as perfect (in my imagination) as her, and being with another woman was almost impossible to imagine. BUT, but....last night my new girlfriend came over, she's smarter, as pretty, and much more genuine then the ex ever was, and I just smiled as we said goodnight, because I never thought I'd get to where I am today.

 

 

You'll get there too, but you need to CUT HER OFF.

[blackcat777]

I just wanted to say that I can relate to the pain of having a relationship end and then discovering it wasn't what you thought it was at all... being used, led on, whatever. At first the truth is terrible, but with enough time, this fact starts to become comfort, because you realize you didn't actually lose anything at all.

 

Well, besides a liar, manipulator, someone who isn't worth your time.

 

I'm sorry it hurts. Stay strong, you'll get through it.

[BC1980]

Thanks for your insight. I've followed your posts for quite some time so I appreciate your thoughts. It has been very difficult to walk away and I feel like the last three months have just been extremely toxic. Over the last 12-18 months, I was in love, blindly I might add. Over the course of our time together, there were many things she lied to me about and the red flags mounted, culminating this summer when I discovered emails, pics and other things that clearly painted a picture of who she was and it hasn't been the same since at that point, I questioned and second-guessed everything. Until that time she always denied everything or there was an excuse and i chose to accept it because I wanted to believe her so badly. Even after I found all those things, I stupidly chose to believe her (I didn't really believe her) because I wasn't prepared to lose her and of course because I thought she was different and wouldn't intentionally do something to hurt me and that there had to be a good reason. Love is truly blind. When I first met her, I thought our values were very similar, but I was clearly mistaken and I need to be more careful of who I chose to trust. I guess the difference now is that although I miss her and what I thought we had, I always had faith and hope that we could work though our issues even if the trust was missing, but I realize that there is longer any hope or faith and that's what ultimately made me walk away.

 

I still wonder how my ex could have acted so happy to my face. It still doesn't compute to me, and I'll never understand it.

[ConfusedMike]

I still wonder how my ex could have acted so happy to my face. It still doesn't compute to me, and I'll never understand it.

 

I don't think you ever will understand and for me, therein lies part of the pain and uncertainty. You never get the "why" answered and the pain lingers. It really does suck. I have this overwhelming desire to contact her because it's hard to see my future without her, but what would be the point. It really is tragic.

[johnson_j]

I don't think you ever will understand and for me, therein lies part of the pain and uncertainty. You never get the "why" answered and the pain lingers. It really does suck. I have this overwhelming desire to contact her because it's hard to see my future without her, but what would be the point. It really is tragic.

 

You know this pain you are feeling today? How long do you want to feel that way? Because if you contact her AGAIN, you've just doubled (at a minimum) the amount of additional time you will feel bad. You have to be strong. There are no answers. She made her bed, let her sleep in it. She lost a great guy (in you), let her be someone else's problem now. It's not easy, but trust me, it's the right decision.