Broke NC and I don't know what to do (Updated)

[ConfusedMike]

Long story and leaves me with very mixed feelings. First off, I love her very much. She's beautiful, intelligent, insightful and fun to be with. Met at work and we just hit it off. Had fun in everything we did, no matter how mundane.

 

She was still with her ex when we met but she broke up shortly after we met, or so I thought. Without getting into too much detail, I'd find out from others that she was still with him. I'd confront her, but she'd always dismiss it and I believed her. Eventually, you hear it enough, you put some validity to it and I finally asked her if I could read through her messages, which she agreed to and sure enough, I found a trove of stuff she sent to her ex and another guy. I was devastated and had a hard time coping with the realization that I wasn't the only one.

 

After a couple weeks, she said she spoke to her ex and officially broke it off. I'm not naive, but I really love this girl and I wanted so badly for this to work. Fast forward a few months and I see another guy text her that used to be in her life and she hides the phone from me. I'm pissed and I leave at which time she immediately texted me asking what was wrong. When I confronted her about this guy, she said she doesn't talk to him and blocked his number. Well, recently, she was going out of town which I was fine with, but I was talking to a mutual acquaintance and she mentions she saw her at an event and I was angry enough that I went through her things...sure enough, I found recent pics with her "ex."

 

Kinda the last straw...I drafted a message that I sent to her saying it was over and why. She denied being at the event, which I believe. But the pics could not be explained away. She didn’t even try to explain and completely told me off, said I broke her heart and not to ever contact her again…or else. I think she believes I’m trying to find a reason not to marry her and making excuses. I regret going through her things and invading her privacy…douche move and I shouldn’t have done it, but anger makes you stupid.

 

 

I know it sounds one sided because it’s only my perspective. She’s a wonderful girl with a kind heart. She wants to get married and have kids and I haven’t proposed yet so I can understand why she behaves in a certain way. I would love to marry this girl, she’s the love of my life. I know without a doubt, she loves me and I know she wants to marry me, but at this point, she’s so upset, I know it’s over. Damn if my heart isn’t broken and I miss her every day. She fills my heart and it’s just empty…life has no flavor right now.

 

Thanks for listening.

Edited October 17, 2014 by ConfusedMike

[Smarty Pants]

Dude she's messing around with someone behind your back. The only reason she is upset is because she knows she can't play you anymore.

 

This behavior will continue until she grows up, which won't be for a long time.

 

The things she's doing to you, she doing to the other guys.

 

Move along.

[ConfusedMike]

I know I need to move on. Head says one thing, but my heart says another. It wasn't the same after I found out she was still with her ex-bf (I don't even know why I call him her ex-bf when they're still together). I questioned everything she did, who she spoke to, where she went...it was exhausting...and she still managed to be with him. It's time for me to move on, but damn if I don't love that girl and now there's a crater where my heart used to be.

 

Can't stop wondering what she's doing, who she's with, if she even thinks about me and misses me as much as I miss her...I doubt it.

 

Dude she's messing around with someone behind your back. The only reason she is upset is because she knows she can't play you anymore.

 

This behavior will continue until she grows up, which won't be for a long time.

 

The things she's doing to you, she doing to the other guys.

 

Move along.

[Xiane]

it's kinda the thing that happen to me. in my situation, i suspected her seeing this guy, her friend brother. to make a long story short, i look up on her fb, and sure it does, i found all of their chessy convo, i am so devastated that time. i confronted her and tell all this stuff i found, but she denied it and make me feel bad, she accused me for invading her property and disrespecting her for crossing it. till now i don't know if i made the smart move of crossing her privacy, i feel guilty of doing it, but heck, if i did not look onto his fb, maybe until today i am being whack by her.

[Marco Valerio]

Hello Xian, you did the right thing, there's not such a thing as "privacy" when someones is being dishonest!!!

[ConfusedMike]

I feel bad for looking through her stuff too. I shouldn't have done that and I regret it. I think she believes I'm using what I found as an excuse to walk away from her, which is crazy because I wanted to marry that girl. Pictures like that don't lie, especially when she told me she broke up and went NC with him. I'm a mess right now, but trying to hold my head above water...can't believe how hard this is and how much I love her. Writing my feelings into a journal, writing letters to her (really to myself), and sharing and reading stories on LS is helping me. Meeting my therapist today for a 1:1.

 

it's kinda the thing that happen to me. in my situation, i suspected her seeing this guy, her friend brother. to make a long story short, i look up on her fb, and sure it does, i found all of their chessy convo, i am so devastated that time. i confronted her and tell all this stuff i found, but she denied it and make me feel bad, she accused me for invading her property and disrespecting her for crossing it. till now i don't know if i made the smart move of crossing her privacy, i feel guilty of doing it, but heck, if i did not look onto his fb, maybe until today i am being whack by her.

[Natsu21]

She's a wonderful girl with a kind heart? Thanks, hahahahaha. I needed that laugh.

 

No, chick's a manipulative liar with a chip on her shoulder who loves attention. Don't put her and "kindness" in the same sentence and expect people to take you seriously.

[ConfusedMike]

It's what I believe right now. That may change over time with some self realization.

 

She's a wonderful girl with a kind heart? Thanks, hahahahaha. I needed that laugh.

 

No, chick's a manipulative liar with a chip on her shoulder who loves attention. Don't put her and "kindness" in the same sentence and expect people to take you seriously.

[ConfusedMike]

My mind knows the truth...I've seen it with my own eyes more than once and the realization that comes with it that I could never be with her again because I could never trust her. I'm stupid for believing her and taking her back after finding out the truth, but I thought, or hoped, that what she said was true...that what we had was different and special, but it was bull****...nothing but lies and I don't understand why she did this. My mind knows the truth, but I wish my heart would follow the logic of my mind.

 

I miss her, I miss her warm kisses, I miss holding her hand, I miss telling her I love her, I miss the way she would look at me, but mostly I miss her and the special bond I thought we had. She understood me so well and I loved her for it, but it was an illusion ...I guess I miss the person I thought she was. But the cold hard truth is that she was with another guy and telling him the same things she was telling me. I can't figure out if what we had was real and if she really loved me or what I meant to her? Was it a game or did she just not know what she wanted, and if not, why she couldn't just tell me and let me go.

 

I don't understand why when I confronted her that I knew she was still with her ex-bf, her reaction was that she saw my true colors, that I was the coward, that I didn't deserve her and that I was no different that any of the others that lied or cheated on her. I'm so shocked by those comments and I don't know what to make of it. She sure knows how to fire for effect.

 

Man, I'm messed up today. Started reading "It's called a breakup, because it's broken." I'm looking forward to going to church tomorrow. I hope I find some peace there.

 

I hope everyone on LS is doing ok.

Edited October 18, 2014 by ConfusedMike

[ConfusedMike]

Update -

 

We met a few times and spoke over the last month to see if we could work through what happened and I realized I couldn't. I can't overlook what she did and I second guess EVERYTHING at this point...it's completely unhealthy. We discussed marriage, children, our hopes and dreams, and as much as I love her, I think the right decision is to walk away. I finally did this when I asked her what she was doing Friday night and she told me not to bother her because she was going to sleep...at 7pm. She didn't respond to any of my texts or calls for the rest of the night and so I sent her a final text telling her I loved her and it was time for me to walk away. I haven't heard from her since I sent that final text and I've been no contact since then...4 days and counting.

 

I can't figure out what this all means. Was it some sort of game? Did she love me or was she keeping her options open to see who would propose first? Personally, I think she loved her ex and he was probably her first choice, but I made more sense...I could be wrong but I guess doesn't matter anymore and I hope I made the right choice.

[ConfusedMike]

Yesterday in a serious moment of weakness, I broke NC and emailed my ex-gf. She responded pretty quickly and we had a long conversation.

 

Some background: my ex and I were together for 4 years and we had plans to get married. She moved across the state earlier this year to be closer to me and I thought we were so happy. Shockingly, I found out she was still with her ex-bf as late as a few months ago. After some time, we broke it off because I didn't trust anything she said and I was second guessing everything and it was killing me. The final straw happened two weeks ago when she texted me that she was tired and going to sleep at 7pm so not to bother her. I texted her later that nite and nothing. I know her and she can't sleep for 15 hours on a Friday nite so of course my mind figures she's out with someone....so I've been NC for the last two weeks until yesterday.

 

So here goes: She wants to get married and start a family so she asked me to put together a timeline that we could stick to which I'm completely fine with, but I have some serious trust issues and I don't know if she really wants to marry me or if her feelings have changed and if there's someone else in the picture. I texted her last night to chat and I didn't hear anything from her until 11pm to which she replied she was at work, which is hard for me to believe and even then her only response was "sorry, didn't think about it" and then nothing. Normally, she texts me back within a few minutes, this time I didn't hear back from her for over 4 hours. My gut tells me there's someone else that she's seeing and I should walk away and let her live her life. I love her so much and want to marry her and build a family together, but I don't want to do this and have her walk out in a few years, which would be devastating. My mind is so confused, my heart is completely broken and I feel powerless to do anything about this.

 

Please tell me what you think is going on with her.

[Zahara]

So, this is the woman from your last thread that was cheating on you with her ex and possibly two other guys? What am I missing here? Even now she is causing you to question her honesty.

 

"I just love her so much" is not a good enough justification to maintain a relationship that was riddled with infidelity.

 

What do you think you teach a woman when they continuously pull the wool over your eyes and get away with it? You teach them that cheating is accepted and tolerated. You teach them that they can manipulate and use you to their advantage. You teach them that you are meek, weak and dependent.

 

If anything, she's probably back with you because you are a safe bet. She's already treating you like an after thought. It's most unattractive when you chase a woman that doesn't respect you.

[flightplan]

Who knows whats going on with her. I've never been able to figure out what motivates a person to do what they do except people do what they feel is in their own best interest... and that's something we all have to live with. Even you do it. So if she feels you're not in her best interest, no amount of begging or pleading is going to change that.

 

Rather than worry about what's going on with her, how about making a decision that's in your best interest? Do what you feel is right for you... it's probably going to be a painful decision either way, but err on the side that's best for you. Good luck.

[ConfusedMike]

So, this is the woman from your last thread that was cheating on you with her ex and possibly two other guys? What am I missing here? Even now she is causing you to question her honesty.

 

"I just love her so much" is not a good enough justification to maintain a relationship that was riddled with infidelity.

 

What do you think you teach a woman when they continuously pull the wool over your eyes and get away with it? You teach them that cheating is accepted and tolerated. You teach them that they can manipulate and use you to their advantage. You teach them that you are meek, weak and dependent.

 

If anything, she's probably back with you because you are a safe bet. She's already treating you like an after thought. It's most unattractive when you chase a woman that doesn't respect you.

 

Yes, this is the same girl. Instinctively, I know you're right and I cringe when I hear what I'm saying. It didn't occur that she could do this to me, the betrayal, and trying to process the information has been hard. I've been through breakups, but I've never experienced this kind of unrelenting pain and anxiety. My heart and mind are so conflicted...this is the girl I wanted to spend my life with and walking away is proving to be difficult. I think my problem is I had hope, when in reality, there is no hope, at least with her. I know I need to put my big boy pants on so thank you.

[Chi townD]

This is not what you're gonna want to hear but, you need to hear it.

 

 

LET THIS ONE GO!!!! There are tons of girls out there that won't cheat, that treat their man right and won't play too many mind games on you!

 

 

Now, she wants a timetable of when you two would get married and when you would start having kids? To me, that smells of someone baiting you for future alimony and child support. Because there is NO WAY this chick is going to remain loyal to you!

 

 

DO NOT MARRY THIS GIRL!!! Move on! Heal up and meet a nice girl that isn't a cheat and a liar! I mean, MY GOD! You're questioning things right now just by breaking NC!!!!!! That's not a great sign of a happy and trusting relationship!

[ConfusedMike]

Who knows whats going on with her. I've never been able to figure out what motivates a person to do what they do except people do what they feel is in their own best interest... and that's something we all have to live with. Even you do it. So if she feels you're not in her best interest, no amount of begging or pleading is going to change that.

 

Rather than worry about what's going on with her, how about making a decision that's in your best interest? Do what you feel is right for you... it's probably going to be a painful decision either way, but err on the side that's best for you. Good luck.

 

The betrayal and now second guessing is eating away at me. I'm exhausted and completely empty. I know you're right and I need to regroup and focus on the positives in my life. As it is, I can't focus at work, I have no energy to engage in other activities, whereas I know she's going out and having fun. She said she's heartbroken, loves me and wants to marry me now, but this white elephant in the room is making me a complete mess. My biggest fear, I propose to her and I find out she's seeing someone else or I've become one of a couple options and she chooses option 2 or we do get married and she leaves...I'm so confused.

 

I know how lame this sounds, I'm generally decisive, but I've never dealt with something that has the potential to be completely life changing and that has me terrified.

[Zahara]

Yes, this is the same girl. Instinctively, I know you're right and I cringe when I hear what I'm saying. It didn't occur that she could do this to me, the betrayal, and trying to process the information has been hard. I've been through breakups, but I've never experienced this kind of unrelenting pain and anxiety. My heart and mind are so conflicted...this is the girl I wanted to spend my life with and walking away is proving to be difficult. I think my problem is I had hope, when in reality, there is no hope, at least with her. I know I need to put my big boy pants on so thank you.

 

Correct me if I am wrong, but she never even once showed you legitimate remorse for the things she has done. She's just blamed you or shut you up about it. The worst type of cheater is one that doesn't feel remorse because chances are they will do it again.

 

I've been cheated on before and I've said it on here more than once -- not only do you have to deal with the pain of an ending but the trauma of betrayal. Double whammy. Understandbly so, you will feel deep emotional and mental pain but it doesn't mean that the alternative is going back to what has hurt you. The alternative is suffering the pain and trying to get to the other side. You want to close your eyes really tight and just hope that it will go away but it won't. It's there and it will hurt you again, it already is. If you want to suffer indefinite pain and confusion, go back to her. Or you can suffer temporary hurt and heal from this and possibly meet someone that will love and care for you just as how you deserve.

 

You need to stop romanticizing "spend my life" with her because spending your life with someone that disrespects you and treats you like garbage isn't what you should be aiming for. You have hope, and I know how that feels but you can keep hoping and trying to will this away but this is who she is -- a cheater and one that sees no wrong in what she does. That's your reality.

[ConfusedMike]

This is not what you're gonna want to hear but, you need to hear it.

 

 

LET THIS ONE GO!!!! There are tons of girls out there that won't cheat, that treat their man right and won't play too many mind games on you!

 

 

Now, she wants a timetable of when you two would get married and when you would start having kids? To me, that smells of someone baiting you for future alimony and child support. Because there is NO WAY this chick is going to remain loyal to you!

 

 

DO NOT MARRY THIS GIRL!!! Move on! Heal up and meet a nice girl that isn't a cheat and a liar! I mean, MY GOD! You're questioning things right now just by breaking NC!!!!!! That's not a great sign of a happy and trusting relationship!

 

I feel like my heart and mind are in a battle for survival. You're right. I'm actually shaking as I type this, but I know you're all right. I've been weak and indecisive and yes, I love her, but I don't trust her and like many times before, I wonder where she went last night and who she was with. I asked her if she was seeing anyone else, but of course she said no. I think about the rest of my life and I have a hard time imagining it without her...it feels empty and pointless. I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared, rather, I'm terrified now. I'm talking to her later this afternoon so I'll think about what to say and do what needs to be done, but I know there's gonna be some serious dark days ahead. Hope can save your life or be a crutch...strange how that works.

[Zahara]

I feel like my heart and mind are in a battle for survival. You're right. I'm actually shaking as I type this, but I know you're all right. I've been weak and indecisive and yes, I love her, but I don't trust her and like many times before, I wonder where she went last night and who she was with. I asked her if she was seeing anyone else, but of course she said no. I think about the rest of my life and I have a hard time imagining it without her...it feels empty and pointless. I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared, rather, I'm terrified now. I'm talking to her later this afternoon so I'll think about what to say and do what needs to be done, but I know there's gonna be some serious dark days ahead. Hope can save your life or be a crutch...strange how that works.

 

Love without trust has no foundation.

 

You're not the exception. We've all had to let go of a loved on and it terrified each and every one of us at the thought of never having them in our life -- but guess what, we got through it and moved on. Best you be afraid of life without her rather than life of pain with a cheater.

 

Dark days won't always be that way. Like I said, grieving and healing is a temporary journey of pain and hurt that you will overcome. Imagine married to this woman one day and you find out she's cheating. Imagine your life then.

[ConfusedMike]

Correct me if I am wrong, but she never even once showed you legitimate remorse for the things she has done. She's just blamed you or shut you up about it. The worst type of cheater is one that doesn't feel remorse because chances are they will do it again.

 

I've been cheated on before and I've said it on here more than once -- not only do you have to deal with the pain of an ending but the trauma of betrayal. Double whammy. Understandbly so, you will feel deep emotional and mental pain but it doesn't mean that the alternative is going back to what has hurt you. The alternative is suffering the pain and trying to get to the other side. You want to close your eyes really tight and just hope that it will go away but it won't. It's there and it will hurt you again, it already is. If you want to suffer indefinite pain and confusion, go back to her. Or you can suffer temporary hurt and heal from this and possibly meet someone that will love and care for you just as how you deserve.

 

You need to stop romanticizing "spend my life" with her because spending your life with someone that disrespects you and treats you like garbage isn't what you should be aiming for. You have hope, and I know how that feels but you can keep hoping and trying to will this away but this is who she is -- a cheater and one that sees no wrong in what she does. That's your reality.

 

She showed very little remorse and said to ask her my questions and after we spoke of it that day, she didn't want to talk about it again. I really appreciate your insight and reading your response made me cry. I'm romanticizing at this point, I know this, but I meant I imagined spending my life with the girl I thought she was, not the girl she became. It's just a terrible realization.

[Zahara]

She showed very little remorse and said to ask her my questions and after we spoke of it that day, she didn't want to talk about it again. I really appreciate your insight and reading your response made me cry. I'm romanticizing at this point, I know this, but I meant I imagined spending my life with the girl I thought she was, not the girl she became. It's just a terrible realization.

 

When I caught me ex cheating, he wasn't that remorseful either and he even tried to brainwash me into thinking I was imagining it. He did it again. When they don't have remorse, they have no awareness or conscience about the things they do and that is a very good sign that they will do it again. If they saw no wrong in it before, why would they not do it again?

 

Yes, it's an awful feeling when the person you trusted and loved and believed felt the same about you turns out to be someone someone different. Acceptance is hard and most times we romanticize and idealize and we forget who they really are.

 

If I were you, I would sum up all the courage and support and tell her to never contact you again and sever the cord. There is no need to talk anymore. She disrespected you more than once. She doesn't deserve talking, discussing, bargaining, negotiating...nothing. Trust me when I tell you that the faster you cut her off, the better off you are going to be.

[ConfusedMike]

Love without trust has no foundation.

 

You're not the exception. We've all had to let go of a loved on and it terrified each and every one of us at the thought of never having them in our life -- but guess what, we got through it and moved on. Best you be afraid of life without her rather than life of pain with a cheater.

 

Dark days won't always be that way. Like I said, grieving and healing is a temporary journey of pain and hurt that you will overcome. Imagine married to this woman one day and you find out she's cheating. Imagine your life then.

 

I'll walk away for exactly that reason and when I do, I know she won't contact me again and will blame me for what transpired. She already said I'm driving her away with all the questions, indecisiveness and lack of action. I don't want to always question her and find out later that her behavior didn't change. I'm a very trusting person and I never asked her or anyone else I dated previously what they're doing or with who. I always believed a committed relationship was based on mutual trust. It wasn't until I found out about what she did that I started second guessing and questioning everything. The fact that I question what she did last nite is unhealthy and exhausting, but until now, my fear of losing her overrode her behavior, which shows how weak I've been.

[Zahara]

She already said I'm driving her away with all the questions, indecisiveness and lack of action.

 

This is what cheaters do. This is how they deflect attention and put it all back on the other person. Then you sit there feeling guilty for feeling the way you do and soon enough you appease them because you don't want to upset them. So you shut your mouth and drown in your own pain while they continue to walk around without feeling any guilt or responsibility for what they've done.

 

Textbook behavior, this woman.

[ConfusedMike]

When I caught me ex cheating, he wasn't that remorseful either and he even tried to brainwash me into thinking I was imagining it. He did it again. When they don't have remorse, they have no awareness or conscience about the things they do and that is a very good sign that they will do it again. If they saw no wrong in it before, why would they not do it again?

 

Yes, it's an awful feeling when the person you trusted and loved and believed felt the same about you turns out to be someone someone different. Acceptance is hard and most times we romanticize and idealize and we forget who they really are.

 

If I were you, I would sum up all the courage and support and tell her to never contact you again and sever the cord. There is no need to talk anymore. She disrespected you more than once. She doesn't deserve talking, discussing, bargaining, negotiating...nothing. Trust me when I tell you that the faster you cut her off, the better off you are going to be.

 

I don't know why your responses make me cry. Maybe it's because it's the cold hard truth. I'm still in shock and disbelief about this situation.

[Zahara]

I don't know why your responses make me cry. Maybe it's because it's the cold hard truth. I'm still in shock and disbelief about this situation.

 

I'm sorry, I don't mean to add to your pain. I know how you feel. As long as you know that a decision, and a painful one has to be made, I believe you know deep down inside you deserve better.