mourningMM Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 I've never learned how to stop loving someone. There are guys that I knew in grade school 30 years ago that still hold a soft place in my heart. If my first boyfriend called and needed something, I'd try my hardest to make it happen. If my ex-husband said he wanted to try again, I'd be willing to give it a go. I know it is a boundary issue...I'll fight for my children and protect them if I see them wronged. But somehow I don't have the ability to fight for or protect myself. Not physically, but emotionally. Somehow I can always find a way to see the other person's side, and understand their point of view, and put their happiness above mine. This is not a good thing when the people that I love do not return the feeling. It puts me in a place where I can't even feel like they are taking advantage of me, because I understand and accept what they want (and need). So I love, and am not loved back. I give emotional support, but have no one giving to me. I know I should leave him because he can't fulfill me on one level. But the other levels are good...physically and intellectually we have more chemistry than I've ever experienced before. And I need to give love and attention to someone, and feel like they are satisfied...but I need more than a fun time in bed. I need a friend and companion that wants to share and love. And as long as this man is in my life, I can't have that unless he changes. And men don't change unless they want to; he has spent two years just wanting a physical relationship with me...and having it. And I want that physical relationship too...but I want more. We've stopped dating 4 or 5 times, each time because I asked for more than he wanted to give. 3 times he came back...twice I went to him. The chemistry is strong, the attraction undeniable. But deep down, I want someone that wants to share his life with me...and I know that he is not moving in that direction. So how do I get my heart (and my libido) to listen to my head?
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 Sounds like your head is thinking very clearly and wisely here-- you are definitely right to think it is time to move on. I wish I could give you better advice than to simply say that you need to break it off once and for all, and have no or very little contact with him for as many months as it takes for you to move on. You've said that this relationship is fulfilling only on the intellectual and physical/sexual levels. Can you get some degree of intellectual and sexual fulfillment while not being in a relationship? I'm thinking that if you leave this guy, those would be the two areas where you would really feel his absence. As far as the intellectual level-- you don't have to be romantically involved with a person to interact with him or her intellectually. That is definitely an area of life where one can find fulfillment with friends as much as with lovers. Do you have a few friends that you can share interesting intellectual exchanges with? If not, think about where you can seek that. And sex-- is it the pleasure and the orgasms that you will miss? (is it the sensations themselves, or more broadly the experience of sex with him?) If it is just sensations that you feel you really need, I bet you can find ways to take care of that without him. Your own hands, sex toys, whatever w(h)ets your whistle and tickles your fancy...! :-) If it is the fun of enjoying these sensations WITH your man, or the warmth of the intimacy involved, well, unfortunately, you will have to accept that you won't have these aspects of the sexual experience for a while. This may be a lonely realization, but remember that you are lonely on other levels in this relationship anyway. I think it is worth it to leave a relationship where you can't get what you need so that you can embrace the possibility of being more fully fulfilled. Also, personally I think it is less lonely to not have anyone in my life at all than to have someone in my life who can't or doesn't want to give me all that I need from a romantic partnership. Having no one in my life, I can be aware of my romantic needs, appreciate their validity, and know that I deserve to have them fulfilled. Being in a relationship where the partner doesn't care about some of my romantic needs-- that makes me feel like my own needs are negated; it makes me feel like part of me is rejected. Do you feel this way too? If you feel this way and you realize it, it may be easier to move on. You obviously have an enormously generous heart, and a lot of lovin' to give. Someone will appreciate that.
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