Cheaters are BROKEN?!

[Realist3]

That is a very cliche term thrown around boards like this in describing a WS. But are they really broken?

 

I would posit that perhaps for a certain percentage of the population it is the concept of monogamy itself is what is broken.

 

History has well evidenced that monogamy is not an instinct, it is a learned behavior imposed on people for numerous reasons. Societies for thousands and thousands of years have written rules about this very topic mainly in religious teachings. The same way that homosexual activities have been ostracized in these same teachings throughout history. Are gays broken? I would suggest that neither the cheater or the gay is broken. Instead I would say they are both following their natural path, which society at large has deemed unacceptable for conditioned reasons. Both still exist no matter how much brainwashing we have been introduced to during our lives. They existed from the beginning of time and they exist today.

 

I know that some people will say because I was upfront with my wife after getting busted I am not broken. BUT if my MW came on this site and relayed her story about our A, she would be labeled broken. Same relationship. I don't view her as broken at all. She is just a person that after maturing realized she made a bad choice of a lifelong partner at the age of 20.

 

Speaking of cliche's. "Well, then get divorced. Thousands of people get divorced every day." That is much easier said than done, and as evidence shows the women in most cases get the short end of the stick, so to speak, not just financially, but morally as well.

 

Then there is the honesty thing. That is why they are broken. Or is it? Up until recently both being gay and having an affair/divorce were taboo, and in some ways still are. People were not being honest with themselves or their spouses since forever. Does that make them broken?

 

We have numerous examples, but one in particular on this board of a woman that was living in a sham of a marriage from the beginning. Was her husband 'broken' because he tried to conform to what society/wife expected, but failed?

 

Conformity. If you do not conform you are deemed broken. I really don't think that is a fair diagnosis.

[TrustedthenBusted]

That you would name yourself realist, and then come on here and try to justify your lies, deceit and cheating, shows just how broken you actually are.

 

Monogamy isn't natural, sure. We all know that. It's HARD in fact. But that's what vows are for. YOu took them, you expected your wife to hold to them, but you didn't hold yourself of the woman you wanted to bang accountable to them.

 

And now you are invoking ancient history to make yourself feel better.

 

Divorce IS easier said than done. Doesnt mean it's not the right choice.

 

But again, you justify taking the easy way out, simply because that's what's been done throughout history.

 

Broken.

[jm2013]

I went to dictionary.com and get the exact definition of the word broken.

 

verb 1. past participle of break.

 

adjective 2. reduced to fragments; fragmented.

 

3. ruptured; torn; fractured.

 

4. not functioning properly; out of working order.

 

5. Meteorology. (of sky cover) being more than half, but not totally, covered by clouds. Compare scattered (def 4).

 

 

6. changing direction abruptly: The fox ran in a broken line.

 

 

7. fragmentary or incomplete: a broken ton of coal weighing 1,500 pounds.

 

 

8. infringed or violated: A broken promise is a betrayal of trust.

 

 

 

 

As you can see, cheaters will fall into a few of these categories by definition. Have you talked yourself out of monogamy? If that's how you feel about it why did you get married? I'm just curious.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

Chunp Lady articulates it far better than I can ;-

 

Trust That They Suck - ChumpLady.com

[Realist3]

OP,

Chunp Lady articulates it far better than I can ;-

 

Trust That They Suck - ChumpLady.com

 

 

Ehhh... not so much. She is just following and repeating the script.

[Red123]

Being gay and cheating have nothing in common. Being gay isn't a choice, cheating is. If your are totally fine with your choices and your life why do feel the need to defend them? We live in a time where people can choose to be M, or single or poly amorous, so no need to use history to justify your choices, most of us are free to make any we want, but have to live with consequences of them.

[gettingstronger]

There's a difference between being non monogomous and being a liar and a cheater. It's really as simple as that.

[waterwoman]

Lying and causing hurt is fairly poor behaviour isn't it? And of course there are marriages where lying and hurting occurs in areas other than infidelity but those are pretty crappy too. I guess the 'broken' bit comes because there are good ways to respond to bad situations and being unfaithful seems a bad one.

[Realist3]

I went to dictionary.com and get the exact definition of the word broken.

 

verb 1. past participle of break.

 

adjective 2. reduced to fragments; fragmented.

 

3. ruptured; torn; fractured.

 

4. not functioning properly; out of working order.

 

5. Meteorology. (of sky cover) being more than half, but not totally, covered by clouds. Compare scattered (def 4).

 

 

6. changing direction abruptly: The fox ran in a broken line.

 

 

7. fragmentary or incomplete: a broken ton of coal weighing 1,500 pounds.

 

 

8. infringed or violated: A broken promise is a betrayal of trust.

 

 

 

 

As you can see, cheaters will fall into a few of these categories by definition. Have you talked yourself out of monogamy? If that's how you feel about it why did you get married? I'm just curious.

 

 

I don't see that they fall into any of the categories you listed. Breaking a trust or betrayal does not equate to a person being broken.

 

Being broken as a person means there is something inherently wrong with that person.

 

Talked myself out of monogamy? No, not in the least. In fact, I consider myself to lean heavily towards monogamy. I got married because I thought I found "The one." At some point later I realized I didn't.

[Realist3]

There's a difference between being non monogomous and being a liar and a cheater. It's really as simple as that.

 

 

Every single person here has lied or cheated(in some way, not necessarily with a spouse) in their lives.

[Arieswoman]

Realist3,

 

She is just following and repeating the script.

 

So CL isn't allowed a script and cheaters are ?

 

Check out other threads for all the old chestnuts that cheaters come out with and then talk about "scripts"...

[Realist3]

There's a difference between being non monogomous and being a liar and a cheater. It's really as simple as that.

 

 

Yes, that is true. But that obvious distinction doesn't really address the topic.

[Realist3]

Realist3,

 

 

 

So CL isn't allowed a script and cheaters are ?

 

Check out other threads for all the old chestnuts that cheaters come out with and then talk about "scripts"...

 

My point is her prose did not address the topic. She was just rattling off, "They suck, they suck, they suck." She is not addressing the actual issue.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Every single person here has lied or cheated(in some way, not necessarily with a spouse) in their lives.

 

Sure. But not everyone broke their wedding vows.

 

Would you be so understanding if your wife was out sleeping with other men and lying to your face about it?

[jm2013]

If your wife isn't the one why don't you just divorce her?

[Realist3]

That you would name yourself realist, and then come on here and try to justify your lies, deceit and cheating, shows just how broken you actually are.

 

Monogamy isn't natural, sure. We all know that. It's HARD in fact. But that's what vows are for. YOu took them, you expected your wife to hold to them, but you didn't hold yourself of the woman you wanted to bang accountable to them.

 

And now you are invoking ancient history to make yourself feel better.

 

Divorce IS easier said than done. Doesnt mean it's not the right choice.

 

But again, you justify taking the easy way out, simply because that's what's been done throughout history.

 

Broken.

 

This topic obviously flew right over your head. I don't need justification for anything. I am simply posing a differing view that is what is most commonly held. I'm not arguing right or wrong.

[HereNorThere]

That is a very cliche term thrown around boards like this in describing a WS. But are they really broken?

 

I would posit that perhaps for a certain percentage of the population it is the concept of monogamy itself is what is broken.

 

History has well evidenced that monogamy is not an instinct, it is a learned behavior imposed on people for numerous reasons. Societies for thousands and thousands of years have written rules about this very topic mainly in religious teachings. The same way that homosexual activities have been ostracized in these same teachings throughout history. Are gays broken? I would suggest that neither the cheater or the gay is broken. Instead I would say they are both following their natural path, which society at large has deemed unacceptable for conditioned reasons. Both still exist no matter how much brainwashing we have been introduced to during our lives. They existed from the beginning of time and they exist today.

 

I know that some people will say because I was upfront with my wife after getting busted I am not broken. BUT if my MW came on this site and relayed her story about our A, she would be labeled broken. Same relationship. I don't view her as broken at all. She is just a person that after maturing realized she made a bad choice of a lifelong partner at the age of 20.

 

Speaking of cliche's. "Well, then get divorced. Thousands of people get divorced every day." That is much easier said than done, and as evidence shows the women in most cases get the short end of the stick, so to speak, not just financially, but morally as well.

 

Then there is the honesty thing. That is why they are broken. Or is it? Up until recently both being gay and having an affair/divorce were taboo, and in some ways still are. People were not being honest with themselves or their spouses since forever. Does that make them broken?

 

We have numerous examples, but one in particular on this board of a woman that was living in a sham of a marriage from the beginning. Was her husband 'broken' because he tried to conform to what society/wife expected, but failed?

 

Conformity. If you do not conform you are deemed broken. I really don't think that is a fair diagnosis.

 

 

This is really a classic example of a strawman argument. At the very least, you combined 3 different subjects or points of contention that really have nothing to do with each other. I see:

 

Cheating, lying, manipulation and deception

 

Non-monogamy

 

Sexual Orientation

 

All three or more of these arguments may be made one way or another, but they are not the same issue.

 

If you want to argue that non-monogamy is natural and monogamy is not, that's fine. I think the real issue is there is a huge difference between being a liar/cheater and being non-monogamous.

 

And lol @ comparing cheating to a sexual orientation. Should we change the lingo lgbtc now? It's really that level of rationalization that shows what's really "broken."

[thirtysomethingteen]

I don't necessarily think that all cheaters are "broken". Some are, sure, others are just selfish. I'm not using the word selfish in an accusatory way - clearly you are in a situation where, for whatever reason, your wife has chosen to look the other way while you have your cake and eat it too. I suspect many more people would have affairs if they were given permission from their spouse. I'm sure I would have! But in my case, my husband made it more than clear that he was NOT willing to share me, so I had to make a choice.

 

Unless your spouse hands you a get out of jail free card, you have to make a choice - either divorce, commit to your spouse and your marriage, or sneak around and lie until everything blows up in your face and suddenly these choices get made for you by the BS. Regardless of her reasons for straying, this is the inevitable outcome for your OW - sooner or later, she is going to get busted. And when she does, I hope you are prepared for the fact that she may choose her family over you, unhappy marriage or not (if she's given a choice, that is).

 

Either way, regardless of whether your opinion is popular around here it is clear you love your OW, and I wish you the best.

[gettingstronger]

Yes, that is true. But that obvious distinction doesn't really address the topic.

 

Sure it does unless of course you need to extrapolate things to make yourself feel better. We are all broken in some sort of way. Difference is for many we want to change that while for others they want to use it as an excuse or even worse deny it.

[purplesorrow]

Why aren't you living with your soulmate out in the open? Why is she a secret and your relationship a secret to friends family and colleagues. You speak about no conforming, that's all your secret affair is.

[beach]

Every single person here has lied or cheated(in some way, not necessarily with a spouse) in their lives.

 

But this is only justifying bad behavior.

 

Yes, I believe they are broken in some way that allows them to justify the bad behavior.

 

The cheater knows that harm is happening on some level to someone else yet their lack of compassion or something justifies harming others.

 

You may not be dishonest in YOUR affair but your OW is - and by participating you are willing to cause harm to her Husband.

 

He may not know now - but he could find out. And that affects many - yet you are willing to participate knowing the potential to harm - yes, I think that is broken on some level.

[beach]

This topic obviously flew right over your head. I don't need justification for anything. I am simply posing a differing view that is what is most commonly held. I'm not arguing right or wrong.

 

It's difficult to address cheating without also discussing right and wrong. Or harm and no harm...

[LifesontheUp]

For me personally, there's a big difference between telling your partner the new pair of shoes only you cost you 100 dollars, when they really cost 200 dollars and having an affair.

 

If you cannot see that, then I really do believe you are in denial.

 

My xH who had an affair admits that is what he was broken at the time. Its good see that some cheaters own up to their actions and issues, even if its too late to save their marriage.

[jm2013]

Apart from the cheating there are still some very concerning things. While one partner thinks both parties are exclusive to each other and one is venturing out of the nest there's a real possibility of one bringing back an STD. It is not fair to the spouse who doesn't know anything. They don't have the choice to have protection if need (now) just in case their spouse brought some funky disease back. My wife was completely inconsiderate and had unprotected sex with this guy. Thank God nothing was returned.

[Rainbowlove]

Dude,

 

As a lesbian, I really don't think you can compare being gay to wayward behavior.

 

It is about CHOICES!!!!

 

If I could have fallen in love with a man, I would have obviously chosen that over being treated like a second class citizen and dealing with losing family members and civil rights over my sexual orientation.

 

Wayward behavior is a choice. Plan and simple. You can't lie your way around that fact.

 

I understand the comparison you are trying to use, but it's not gonna fly. Keep my people out of it. We have enough problems...

Edited December 5, 2014 by Rainbowlove