Dumping isnt easy

[Eddie007]

From someone who has now been on both sides of this I can tell you it is not easy for either party

 

In August 2013 I was dumped by my fiancé after a more than 4 year relationship in which we lived together for most of that time. We took things real fast at first. We were engaged and living together within 5 months of meeting.

 

We were very loving and had so much in common. She always told me I was the one. She had always been with “bad boys” and was glad to finally settle down with a “good guy”. We were both somewhat insecure with ourselves and did not communicate properly. She suffered from mild depression but it never was a problem that I could tell. Through the years we seemed to just settle in and got comfortable.

 

Our routine was work, dinner, tv, sleep…rinse and repeat day after day….year after year. Of course there were other things sprinkled in on occasion but this was 75% of our time together in the last 2 years. I felt us drifting apart in the final months and tried to talk with her about it but she insisted there was nothing wrong. I know now she had already mentally dumped me and was just working up the courage to actually do it.

 

When the day finally came she walked in the room and said “we need to talk”… my immediate response was “are you kicking me out?”…..she replied “I’m not happy anymore, and I know you aren’t either”. I just sat there in stunned silence. I knew things were not the greatest but I never really thought she was unhappy. I can’t say I was happy but I wasn’t unhappy either. I loved her and I thought we would get past this rut as she called it.

 

Anyway, I packed my things and left that same day and went to NC for what ended up being 5 solid months. It was tough as hell but I got through it. I started therapy and went to the gym every day and have gotten in the best shape of my adult life. I only contacted her after I felt guilty about a 1 night stand. I texted her and we had a nice exchange. From that point we would text occasionally but not too often. About 9 months after the split I even asked her to try and work things out. She declined saying she had changed and could never go back.

 

I have been in NC again these past 5 months .To this day some 16 months later she has never once initiated any contact with me or so much as asked how I am. Sure we chatted sporadically for a few months via text, but I always reached out first. I never could understand how she could just let go that quickly after all the good memories we had.

 

I stayed single for almost a year after that. I had several casual dates in that time but nothing ever came from it. Finally I met a girl this past summer who I clicked with. We had a lot of the same goals and had a good time together. I felt I was finally ready to be in a relationship again so we made it official. We usually only saw each other on the weekends as we are both busy with work during the week.

 

She was a very needy girl and always needed validation from me. She would often ask me how I felt about her and where I thought this relationship was going. I told her I saw a future with us but wanted to take it slow. It seemed she was wanting me to tell her I loved her but I was not going to say it if it wasn’t true.

 

Finally her constant need for approval was too much for me and I had to let her go. I went back and forth for weeks if I should pull the trigger or not. I knew it would hurt her but I just wasn’t feeling it. She was a nice girl and I liked her a lot but she just wasn’t the one for me. Turns out I probably wasn’t as ready as I had thought I was.

 

Having been through both sides I now have a new found respect for the fiancé who dumped me. If it was this hard on me to let go of a good girl after 5 months I can’t imagine what was going through her mind after 4 years and living together. I’m sure it was on her mind for several months.

 

All of that to say this, just because someone dumps you doesn’t mean they are heartless. It’s tough on them too.

Edited December 5, 2014 by Eddie007

[flightplan]

Well stated. My ex was/is the same. I initiated contact after approx. 7 months after the b/u and followed up with sporadic text here and there. Since then I don't have any desire to talk with her anymore. I think about her now and again, but her silence helped drive me away. I'm back to feeling normal again, but very changed and for the better. She doesn't know it, but I thank her everyday for breaking up with me because I grew in ways I didn't expect... and I now realize I dodged a bullet.

[Quest]

 

Having been through both sides I now have a new found respect for the fiancé who dumped me. If it was this hard on me to let go of a good girl after 5 months I can’t imagine what was going through her mind after 4 years and living together. I’m sure it was on her mind for several months.

 

All of that to say this, just because someone dumps you doesn’t mean they are heartless. It’s tough on them too.

 

Also think this is well stated. It takes courage to end a relationship. You can love someone and that doesn't mean to say it's working - or will continue to work. Often the person who does the dumping is just the one who has the strength. But it does leave the dumper in a difficult situation when it comes to contact. It doesn't feel fair to contact the dumpee so you don't. That doesn't mean to say you don't want to, or don't care about them. But if you do make contact it can be misinterpreted as interest in renewing things, or, when it's apparent you're not interested in that, it can be seen as mucking about with the other person's feelings and trying to have you cake and eat it. In a sense it would be latter so you don't do it and then are seen as callous. No win situation for the dumper (if the dumper is someone who did actually care, just couldn't see it working).

I'm sure some dumpers are uncaring and have actually met someone else but don't think that's always the case. Often their silence is just a case of trying to respect the feelings and the right to move on of the other person.