Need

[mia5]

My story is long, will try to shorten it. I been married for 21 years. Have 3 almost all grown kids 22,19,16. We were married young. My husband was a great provider, hard worker but was an alcoholic. He was an agressive alcoholic. The last 8 years was the worst drinking got worse. We would get into arguments that lead to physical fights. My kids would get involved which I blame myself for allowing this type of enviroment. It took me a long time to snap out of it. The police was called after our last fight in which my daughter was involved. He spent the night in jail and bailed out the next morning only to blame us for putting him in jail. I knew he would never leave the house, so I left, my kids understood and actually wanted us to seperate. i filled for divorce a couple month later.

I statrted seeing a man. We started as friends started dating. I wasnt looking for a relationship but thats what it developed.

fast forward to now; I knew my husband started dating and going out. I gets me so mad and jelouse. I don't know why I feel this way. I thought I was over him but I guess Im not. He says he loves me and wants me back. I seen lots of changes but his drinking has not stopped only slowed down. I'm afraid to go back after all the progress I've done. My older kids say to continue move forward but I'm stuck with this feeling.

I recently found out I am pregnant. Totally unexpected because of my age(40) and i was on the pill religiously. The father is the man I ve been seeing for the past year. He is happy and excited. But I'm not. I did not want to start over. I'm afraid of my husbands and kids reactions once I tell them. I'm afraid I will loose my husband for ever, and be judge by everyone. I will not abort so that is not an option for me. I miss my homelife and husband terribly but this other man is good to me and loves me too. I dont know what to do.....

Edited December 5, 2014 by mia5

[LifesontheUp]

He's still drinking (though reduced). Why would you think about going back into that environment?

 

Even if he had given up, a dry drunk can be extremely difficult to live with. If it were me I would thank my lucky stars I'm not with him in such a destructive relationship anymore.

 

You need to start thinking of your baby now. Sounds like you also have someone who loves you and treats you well. Children imo are a blessing and age 40 is still young these days to start over

[Yasuandio]

Being preggo with another man's child, (and full intent to carry thru with said venture), has pretty much sealed the deal for your loss of a poor excuse for a husband. Seeing and being with the other man didn't help matters either, that is, if your goal was to reconcile. [i would submit these "unforseen" events may have been driven subcounciously to instinctually protect you from ever being near this monterous husband again. Is that possible?]

 

"Wanting" something that is no longer within your reach (or that you can no longer have again), is natural. That is really what these yearnings are about - loss of control, or, just pure loss, depending on your personality makeup. In my experience, the hardest step is to separate "want" from "need" in your head and heart. It is not easy. Maybe even more complex when hormones are active during a pregency - just guessing on that.

 

I recommend you study Homer McDonald's theories on this issue. See the Pinned thread in our section, or click link in my signature line. I had to listen to those tapes at least 20 times to "get it" thru my thick skull. However, us women (i.e., you and I; but men also), of abusive relationships can develop a very strong addiction to our abusers. Doesn't matter how nice an alternative option might be, many post-abusees cannot stop thinking about a fantasy future with their abuser, your case in point!

 

Case after case, myself included, abused "wants" and longs for their abuser. I completely understand. Even with years and years of the best pychological care available, I found that has made little difference. But, in my opinion and experience, (1) forcefully getting yourself out of denial, (2) becoming aware and a willing learner about your issue, and (3) "owning" this proclivity - is STEP ONE to getting past the emotional drama you are experiencing. LS has really factored into my ability to "get with the program" on aforementioned, for that, I am beholden to this community, and it's posters who have shared their vast experience and knowledge. You are on your way by reaching out on this great forum. You are not alone, sweetheat, you are not alone. Yas

Edited December 5, 2014 by Yasuandio

[tobrieornottobrie]

That's a really difficult situation. I think that as a previous poster mentioned, 40 isn't too old to be starting over, I know a lot of women who have had babies past 40. Have you thought about trying out some sort of therapy or counseling to maybe help you deal with some of the emotions of this situation? Speaking with a professional may really be of help to you. A therapist/counselor may also be able to help you with a way to present this to your family. Just something to think about. I hope it all works out for the best for you, blessings!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[Mr. Lucky]

My older kids say to continue move forward but I'm stuck with this feeling.

 

Strange how the people around you are convinced of your right to be happy, but you're not. Have you done any IC? Seems like lots going on under the surface.

 

Being preggo with another man's child, (and full intent to carry thru with said venture), has pretty much sealed the deal for your loss of a poor excuse for a husband. Seeing and being with the other man didn't help matters either, that is, if your goal was to reconcile. [i would submit these "unforseen" events may have been driven subcounciously to instinctually protect you from ever being near this monterous husband again. Is that possible?]

 

Agreed. Many people in your circumstance wait for other people or events to make their mind up for them. In your case, consider it done. You've got a child coming, a man that wants to make it work and (I'd bet) the support of extended family. Get to work.

 

Your STBX will be fine. Or he won't. That choice will be up to him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mia5]

Thank you all for the advice much appreciated. I sit here and cant believe how drastic my life has changed in just 2 years. Granted the changes in my marriage started a long time ago. From being a housewife, taking care of my kids, team mom to this. For many years I was unhappy but I put a front outside the home convincing EVERYONE we had a perfect happy life. Everyone thought of us as a great couple who beat the odds of making it work after being married so young, right after high school.

Now all that is gone, but inside me I feel at peace I dont feel nervous or scared about coming home and trying to figuere out what kind of mood he's in. But now those people who saw us as the perfect couple are judging me or will judge me but they had no idea what my kids and I went through behind close doors.

 

And even after all that, that front that I put up for many years is what I miss?? Is that weird? I guess the idea of having that perfect life is what I miss....what I want but inside the home too.

 

I know there's a lot of underlying issues I haven't dealt with and should not have started another relationship before ending one. And definatelly not bring another child into my mess, even though I did not plan for it. My biggest fear is the unknown with this new man. I know what type of life I would have with my husband......the unknown is what I fear the most. That is why it took me 10 years to leave my husband.

[LifesontheUp]

People judge others all the time. You shouldn't care. Surround yourself with those that love and care for you.

 

I remember the unknown but had I not put my trust in my new partner nearly 10 yrs ago I would not have my beautiful son and be the happiest I've been in years.

 

It takes a leap of faith and if you don't do it you may forever live in the past.