Need to keep my eye on the ball.

[lauri]

I wish I had just stuck to it from the get go, allowing that small crack in my defenses let in more pain than I thought it could.

 

It's been tough. These past two days have been harder than when I first made this thread. I would have to say that each restart of NC becomes even more difficult. If I knew what going cold turkey on drugs felt like, I think I would compare the two.

 

That is exactly what it is like. Having that emotional connection with someone is like a drug... This path isn't going to be easy but it'll be far more rewarding than never moving forward. You can become stronger because of this.

[PaperCrane]

Been about two weeks since the last update.

 

Focused on the LC aspect since being roommates and all that and it's been going well. About 4 days ago I actually felt this physical sensation in my chest almost like a weight being lifted. It was strange. Later I realized it was me just letting go.

 

When I got home I saw her and I no longer felt that crazy over the top attraction I've been fighting for the past year. It was actually strange to me, perhaps it's what happens to dumpers as I've never really been the dumper in a committed relationship. As if I was seeing just her. Sure I still love her in a caring way, and sure she's still gorgeous but the emotional tie that had me clinging on is gone. I don't care who she is talking to anymore, I don't care if she likes me or not, hell I don't care at all. So I just started hanging out with her again normally and she started talking about the guy she saw the night we held hands. About how he's so messed up after she denied dating him anymore. Then about this other one at work she's been talking to. Months ago I'd have probably felt heart pangs but this time I actually had to resist bursting out laughing. That felt good.

 

Ended up going on two other casual dates in the meantime.

 

On top of it all my LTR ex stopped by on Christmas Eve the grab a cat carrier to borrow. I'm close with her family and grabbed cards for them as they've helped me out quite a bit after she broke it off with me. She almost choked up crying saying her new guy doesn't celebrate and wanted nothing to do with it. She said she didn't get me anything and felt absolutely horrible. She spent the better part of an hour talking about how things are just crappy and all that. I had to pretty much push her out the door and she asked why I didn't want to talk to her and I explained that she was my ex and that she chose to leave me. I don't mind being friendly but said that she rebuked my offers of genuine friendship, at trying to reconcile after the breakup and that I just don't enjoy hearing about her relationship woes. She reached out and hugged into me and put her hand on mine and said she missed me. I wished her a Merry Christmas and sent her on her way. She looked hurt and said that she probably wouldn't. This was a girl at one point I'd have given anything for just to see again. I felt bad in that I don't enjoy seeing her in pain, and I wanted to help but there is nothing I can do. That problem no longer mine.

 

The roommate came out after the ex left and said she was going to a friends to blow dry her hair because she didn't want to interrupt us and she kept staring at the floor. I said that she doesn't need to leave her home to do her hair because I was talking to someone. She mentioned not wanting to interrupt other things and I told her that woman has nothing to come back to because she threw it away. She said "Oh, well...yeah I can see that."

 

We ended up talking about work and she went to do her short shift and came home. One of her old FWB who is also one of her 'best friends' that she has intense feelings for whom is in a separate relationship came to visit. One of those "if I could marry him I would" type of things as she put it. He's actually a really cool guy and we click pretty well as people. She starts sitting next to me more as we watch a movie. I don't reciprocate and she gets more flirty. When I don't respond she moves back closer to him and he clearly tells her to stop. She moves back over to me for the rest of the movie while he and I just crack jokes for a few solid hours.

 

The next day being Christmas we wake up and exchange gifts. I had bought the gifts awhile ago when I was still all gooey and I couldn't return anything so I said why the heck not and gave them to her. Stuff she really was into and a ring that I got at an absurdly good price. She saw the ring and got all giddy and asked "oooh which finger?" I told her whichever she wanted and she tried her left hand middle finger first and remarked that it didn't look right and slapped it onto her ring finger. I told her not to take it that deeply at any level, just that I knew she liked rings and jewelry in general. That I thought she'd enjoy something which wasn't just costume jewelry and I know it can be a pretty 'heavy' gift but just to think of it as a fashion accessory.

 

In her card to me it mentioned how much she cherished having me in her life, yadda yadda. Ended up at her parents because they wanted me over, gave me some gifts and had dinner. This is getting long so I'll just quickly recap the rest; she played cutesy love music, cuddled up to me on the couch, put her leg on mine, tagged me with a picture she took at her parents place, and then today shared some status about the heart being in conflict with the brain. Then blowing my phone up today with winking smileys and the whole lot. I told her that I enjoy her company but she needs to cut out this flirting because it can easily lead people on if they don't understand her intentions. She told me she understands and apologized.

 

What can I say about all this? If I had as many flags while ice fishing in the past few days as I did from these interactions, I'd never need to buy fish again.

 

I wholly dislike being manipulated and used as an emotional tampon. I now see clearly both of these for what they were and are. Whether they are confused or not, I'm not there to fix that for them or to be their source of happiness or a backup option. I know I sound like a jerk with some of the stuff I've written here but I've been told that is pretty common once you set boundaries and explain yourself when you used to not have boundaries or were having issues communicating.

 

For those people reading; NC and LC works. It really does. If you really go for it you'll hit that point where everything just becomes clear. Stick to it if you're on NC, you will feel better and even a little vindicated once it all comes together. Having the power back in my hands feels good. Knowing that I'm not putting myself on hold. Knowing that through the recent events I am a desirable person and that just because a couple women couldn't screw their own heads on straight doesn't mean I'll never find anyone.

Edited December 26, 2014 by PaperCrane

[PaperCrane]

Months since last entry.

 

Fell off the horse and split my head open. Bad times. Two trips, financing piercings, and countless dates later. Ugh. How easily a pretty face and a "I don't know where he and I are headed..." will flip my resolve.

 

Feels like I am really preparing for a breakup though. We're so interconnected in our lives it is kind of sad really. Looking for a new place or simply asking her to move out is on the horizon.

 

I keep 'giving up' some of 'our things' and 'our time' so that she can go and do them with her boyfriend. Seems each time I do, it hurts her and she starts crying.

 

I've started a new goal list on the white board in my room. If I'm going to get through this I need to have a focus.

 

For this week:

1. Dust off weights and start working on strength training again. Order some new stuff and some protein powder from the bonus check.

2. Clean out the spare room. Set up writing station.

3. Maybe find a new dresser and set up some better clothing organization.

4. Start small on being more frugal to recoup the money spent on 'dates'. Make large meals to portion out through the week.

5. Start looking for a fluffy kitten that I've been wanting for eons.