Septemberblue Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I've talked about this on here before but I have new developments. I've been in a casual relationship with a man for 3 months and last Friday I asked him if he still only saw us a causal relationship. Unfortunately, he said yes. I told him that I wasn't sure if I could continue with the way that we are without it meaning anything to him. We saw each other 4 days later and things felt very different. I was able to sit in his arms and watch TV. I've never done that. He started to feel me up and all of a sudden he says "I'm being intimate." We did ended up having sex and even that was different. He KISSED me during it. He's NEVER done that. After, we actually sat on the couch and watched a movie together. I fixed him a plate of food and after I was able to watch TV on his arm again. What I'm asking is, do you think that he's coming around? I'm willing to take things slow if it means I'll get him in the end but I just want to know if it's just me who thinks he trying to show me by his actions that it means a little more to him.
genuinelyloverly7 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I'm going to respond from the only place I can reference, which is my own experience. Reading this just flashed me back 10 years to the beginning of my last significant relationship, where I really wanted it to work, and he liked that I was so available and accommodating. Eight years later, and I saw that he was never going to change, because I had never given him any motivation to do so. In fact I had supported his lack of change, by trying to show that I loved him just as he was. I am not saying that casual sex relationships, aka FWB, cannot work, I am saying that they can only work when both people are on the same emotional page about it. And I think that they need to start off and stay there for long enough that both people get to know the other without the emotions of unrequited love clouding it up. It is not fair of him to keep up the relationship when he knows you feel more for him. It is not fair of you to expect that his emotions will change at some point. He might change his mind/heart about you, but not when the pressure of change is paired with the ease of not having to deal with it, to get the goods, aka, your awesomeness. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I've talked about this on here before but I have new developments. I've been in a casual relationship with a man for 3 months and last Friday I asked him if he still only saw us a causal relationship. Unfortunately, he said yes. I told him that I wasn't sure if I could continue with the way that we are without it meaning anything to him. We saw each other 4 days later and things felt very different. I was able to sit in his arms and watch TV. I've never done that. He started to feel me up and all of a sudden he says "I'm being intimate." We did ended up having sex and even that was different. He KISSED me during it. He's NEVER done that. After, we actually sat on the couch and watched a movie together. I fixed him a plate of food and after I was able to watch TV on his arm again. What I'm asking is, do you think that he's coming around? I'm willing to take things slow if it means I'll get him in the end but I just want to know if it's just me who thinks he trying to show me by his actions that it means a little more to him. You did indicate to him that you would likely stop seeing him because the relationship is not going the way you had hoped it would and he may now be realizing he doesn't want you to go. I would give it a little more time and observe his actions moving forward. Is he consistent with his "new" efforts, is he doing other/more things to show you he cares? If he's inconsistent and not doing more things after a month or so, he might just be doing things he knows you might want to keep you around until he finds someone else. For now, I'd enjoy it and let it develop. Don't put any pressure on him. Don't mention the relationship status again and watch how it progresses for a bit. In addition, I'd slow down on contacting/initiating with him, if you are doing that. He will notice if he is beginning to think more seriously and will come to you. Keep the contact balanced though. If he contacts you, you respond in kind but don't keep up with long text conversations. Even if he calls, you answer, but keep the conversation relatively short. If he seems like he really wants to talk, go ahead, but try to end the call first. These are little indirect ways you can gauge his interest and draw him to you. 1
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 He has upped is game to make you stay, I would guess for sex, if he has told you that the relationship is only casual. If it is casual, then don't act like a gf, because he has told you he doesn't see you in that way. If he can keep you on the "casual" rung of the ladder then he can still see other women and he can have all the advantages of being a bf too without the commitment, ie you cook his dinner, you make him feel good and you have sex with him. He can have his cake and eat it
Author Septemberblue Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 Thank you for responding. he liked that I was so available and accommodating. Same here. I kinda HAVE to be available and accommodating. He's a grad student that works a full time and his schedule is insane. I had never given him any motivation to do so. In fact I had supported his lack of change, by trying to show that I loved him just as he was. Me too. I feel like I'm not in the position to give him ultimatums yet though. It's only been 3 months.
Author Septemberblue Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 You did indicate to him that you would likely stop seeing him because the relationship is not going the way you had hoped it would and he may now be realizing he doesn't want you to go. I would give it a little more time and observe his actions moving forward. Is he consistent with his "new" efforts, is he doing other/more things to show you he cares? If he's inconsistent and not doing more things after a month or so, he might just be doing things he knows you might want to keep you around until he finds someone else. For now, I'd enjoy it and let it develop. Don't put any pressure on him. Don't mention the relationship status again and watch how it progresses for a bit. In addition, I'd slow down on contacting/initiating with him, if you are doing that. He will notice if he is beginning to think more seriously and will come to you. Keep the contact balanced though. If he contacts you, you respond in kind but don't keep up with long text conversations. Even if he calls, you answer, but keep the conversation relatively short. If he seems like he really wants to talk, go ahead, but try to end the call first. These are little indirect ways you can gauge his interest and draw him to you. Thank you! I think I put undue pressure on her by asking him that so soon. Even when we had the "do you only see us a causal relationship" talk he said "I guess I do". You GUESS? He couldn't even be sure in his answer. I put him on the spot and didn't give him time to think about it.
taryntan Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Oh no, run. He is just doing this to give you hope so you wont leave and cut off his sex supply. He is not into you, at least not enough to commit. Truth hurts but now you can do something about it. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 (edited) He has upped is game to make you stay, I would guess for sex, if he has told you that the relationship is only casual. If it is casual, then don't act like a gf, because he has told you he doesn't see you in that way. If he can keep you on the "casual" rung of the ladder then he can still see other women and he can have all the advantages of being a bf too without the commitment, ie you cook his dinner, you make him feel good and you have sex with him. He can have his cake and eat it This is a distinct possibility. She also needs to determine whether or not he is emotionally available. Does she know about past relationships and anything about why they ended or if they were long term, how much hurt was involved, etc. She also needs to observe what he does with his family and friends, is he involved in activities that require his time and provides some bonding, etc? Have they ever discussed in any detail what it is they each are looking for while dating? She can bring this up very casually in a general, conversational way without pressuring him. Just say something about what she wants for herself at some point but don't say in any way she's wants or expects that from him. All relationships basically start out as casual, whether sex is involved or not and it takes time to develop sometimes. This one is early in the development stage. If she likes him enough, she could invest just a little more time to see where he takes it. If he's not doing enough, then she should move on for sure. She needs to observe him carefully while keeping her emotions in check, and this can be accomplished by continuing to date others, that's important (unless they are exclusive, I doubt it) so as to not become more invested and be prepared to walk away if need be. She may also want to consider taking sex off the table. But at this point, doing that may appear to him that she is using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation. If she dates others, she should not have sex with them until she knows for sure they will not move forward. If she's dating someone else and decides she wants to be intimate with that one, she would have to move on from this man and that would tell her she's not as invested in this one as she thought anyway. It's a tightrope to walk after sex is involved, but can be done. For the record, I just successfully navigated a similar situation. While I am a confident/successful dater, I still go through the questioning and overthinking that we all do at times. It is the overthinking that gets us into trouble. Try to enjoy the moments you have, make observations, etc. and when the overthinking, worrying happens, write it all down, journal, talk, etc. Anything that takes the pressure off yourself and clears your head. Edited December 5, 2014 by Redhead14
Author Septemberblue Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 Does she know about past relationships and anything about why they ended or if they were long term, how much hurt was involved, etc. He was in a relationship that ended last summer. She left him and he took it pretty hard. He's gotten a lot better since we started (I don't know if that has anything to do with me or not and I'm not going to speculate). he also needs to observe what he does with his family and friends, is he involved in activities that require his time and provides some bonding, etc? His family lives out of the city. He's going to see his dad from Christmas. As for the rest of the of his family, his words were "I don't f**k with them like that." He doesn't have a lot of friends (just people at work). Have they ever discussed in any detail what it is they each are looking for while dating? She can bring this up very casually in a general, conversational way without pressuring him. Just say something about what she wants for herself at some point but don't say in any way she's wants or expects that from him. No we haven't and I regret that we didn't. It's biting me in the ass now. I plan to have a lot more talks about this in the future. She may also want to consider taking sex off the table. But at this point, doing that may appear to him that she is using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation. I am afraid that he will think that.
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Surely after three months of dating, she asked a reasonable question. She didn't ask him to marry her and father her children, she didn't ask him to make a deep commitment to her, she just asked if the relationship was casual. "Is this casual?" and he said yes, so she now knows where she stands. He didn't say "I don't know, lets see where it takes us" or "let's take it slow," or "I think we should get engaged" he said it was just casual. After three months of dating, cooking his tea and having sex - she is just casual?
Redhead14 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 He was in a relationship that ended last summer. She left him and he took it pretty hard. He's gotten a lot better since we started (I don't know if that has anything to do with me or not and I'm not going to speculate). His family lives out of the city. He's going to see his dad from Christmas. As for the rest of the of his family, his words were "I don't f**k with them like that." He doesn't have a lot of friends (just people at work). No we haven't and I regret that we didn't. It's biting me in the ass now. I plan to have a lot more talks about this in the future. I am afraid that he will think that. You are likely not going to be "successful" in developing a relationship with this one, I'm sorry to say. But, I'd still give it another month tops. In the meantime, date others, be less available to him. I'd also try to have dates that take you out of the house and not go back to his or yours next time. Go on the date(s) and say you have something you need to do in the morning or something like that. Gradually remove the opportunity for sex without having to say that. Kinda hit the reset button in a subtle way. Let him keep contacting you, be receptive, but back off a little. See how he responds.
isisisweeping Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 No, I don't think those things mean anything is anything less than casual. He told you what it is, and unless he says differently, don't try to read a book in a touch.
Redhead14 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 You are likely not going to be "successful" in developing a relationship with this one, I'm sorry to say. But, I'd still give it another month tops. In the meantime, date others, be less available to him. I'd also try to have dates that take you out of the house and not go back to his or yours next time. Go on the date(s) and say you have something you need to do in the morning or something like that. Gradually remove the opportunity for sex without having to say that. Kinda hit the reset button in a subtle way. Let him keep contacting you, be receptive, but back off a little. See how he responds. It's kinda like telling a child that if he doesn't do his homework, you will take away his favorite toy (in a more subtle way). If he really likes that toy, he'll do what it takes to keep it If he doesn't really care about that toy . . .
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 We saw each other 4 days later and things felt very different. I was able to sit in his arms and watch TV. I've never done that. He started to feel me up and all of a sudden he says "I'm being intimate." We did ended up having sex and even that was different. He KISSED me during it. He's NEVER done that. After, we actually sat on the couch and watched a movie together. I fixed him a plate of food and after I was able to watch TV on his arm again. You seem to be clutching at straws here, this does not seem to be a genuine normal man if after a 3 month relationship you are only now able to sit in his arms and be kissed while having sex... I also read he has hurt you physically too Run.
Author Septemberblue Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 (edited) You seem to be clutching at straws here, this does not seem to be a genuine normal man if after a 3 month relationship you are only now able to sit in his arms and be kissed while having sex... I also read he has hurt you physically too Run. He's not a very affectionate man so those things are new for us. He's a very guarded person, until he like you and then he opens up, which he is starting to do. Not trying to make excuses for him but a he was drunk and got a little rough. He apologized and he's not drunk around me anymore. Edited December 5, 2014 by Septemberblue
Redhead14 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 He not a very affectionate man so those things are new for us. Not trying to make excuses for him but a he was drunk and got a little rough. He apologized and he's not drunk around me anymore. This is a piece of information I missed. He is not affectionate and was drunk and got rough with you . . . he's drunk around you anymore YET. I would end this now. Tell him you've enjoyed spending time with him, but you two are not a good match and go no contact. 1
Author Septemberblue Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 He's not a very affectionate man so those things are new for us. He's a very guarded person, until he like you and then he opens up, which he is starting to do. Not trying to make excuses for him but a he was drunk and got a little rough. He apologized and he's not drunk around me anymore. Just wanted to say that I've known men like him all my life. He's like my father, he'll die for you but don't expect him to hug you.
Redhead14 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Just wanted to say that I've known men like him all my life. He's like my father, he'll die for you but don't expect him to hug you. Ok, however, it appears that you like and appreciate hugs. Would you be able to be in a relationship that doesn't include that? Is that something you'd forgo to be with this man? Would it become an issue to you and something you'd be missing? Does this man actually have a drinking problem? Just because he's not drunk around you, doesn't mean he's not drunk the rest of the time. You need to determine this.
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Just wanted to say that I've known men like him all my life. He's like my father, he'll die for you but don't expect him to hug you. YOU have to remember this man is NOT your father, this man is emotionally crippled, he has hurt you and thinks of you as a casual lay, he even told you that. Do not confuse your father with this man. You do not know him, you only think that you do, because you recognise some traits he has. You cannot "save" him, and you should not sacrifice your life even trying.
Author Septemberblue Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 Ok, however, it appears that you like and appreciate hugs. Would you be able to be in a relationship that doesn't include that? Is that something you'd forgo to be with this man? Would it become an issue to you and something you'd be missing? Does this man actually have a drinking problem? Just because he's not drunk around you, doesn't mean he's not drunk the rest of the time. You need to determine this. Because of my dad and my childhood I'm not very affectionate myself. I'm only using what he did as an example to myself that he wants more from the relationship. If he did that all the time I would be annoyed and push him off of me. His drinking problem is a sore spot for me. He's a drinker and I don't drink AT ALL. Anytime he drinks is getting on my nerves.
Redhead14 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Because of my dad and my childhood I'm not very affectionate myself. I'm only using what he did as an example to myself that he wants more from the relationship. If he did that all the time I would be annoyed and push him off of me. His drinking problem is a sore spot for me. He's a drinker and I don't drink AT ALL. Anytime he drinks is getting on my nerves. It's really too soon to tell. He just started doing these things. You need to decide if you want to spend a little more time to see if he does more of it and shows you in other ways. The drinking is now really what you should focus on . . . you already know that's not working for you. Three months in and this is a huge issue . . .
Author Septemberblue Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 It's really too soon to tell. He just started doing these things. You need to decide if you want to spend a little more time to see if he does more of it and shows you in other ways. The drinking is now really what you should focus on . . . you already know that's not working for you. Three months in and this is a huge issue . . . Yeah, it's too soon the get all up in arms on my part. The drinking will be address in detail once/if we get more established. He doesn't thing of me as a "causal lay." We talk all the time when we're not together and the sex takes up maybe 20 minutes of the time that we spend when we are together. He just didn't wan't to get into anything real while he's working on his master's degree. MY feeling got in the way and I put him on the spot and made him choose when I shouldn't have so soon. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Yeah, it's too soon the get all up in arms on my part. The drinking will be address in detail once/if we get more established. He doesn't thing of me as a "causal lay." We talk all the time when we're not together and the sex takes up maybe 20 minutes of the time that we spend when we are together. He just didn't wan't to get into anything real while he's working on his master's degree. MY feeling got in the way and I put him on the spot and made him choose when I shouldn't have so soon. Talking all the time is a good thing but sex takes up 20 minutes of the time you spend together? That's bordering on a quickie, I'm thinking, squeezing it in. And, yes, it was too soon to put pressure on the situation if at all.
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 His drinking problem is a sore spot for me. He's a drinker and I don't drink AT ALL. Anytime he drinks is getting on my nerves. Relationships rarely get better in that if there are red flags at the start, then the issues only tend to get worse. Already he is unsettling you with his drinking and it has only been 3 months, imagine 3, 13, 30 years of that?
Author Septemberblue Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 Talking all the time is a good thing but sex takes up 20 minutes of the time you spend together? That's bordering on a quickie, I'm thinking, squeezing it in. Well I never said the sex was great. lol I like him WAAAAYYYY more than I like the sex.
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