long distance caused breakup, I meet a new girl, confusion ensues

[raines38]

3.5 years ago I started dating my best female friend. It was a great relationship, there were some issues (being friends for so long means we saw eachother in love with other people, which led to some insecurities between us but to be expected). We loved eachother so deeply, became so.attached. I had plans to marry her.

 

She started an incredibly stressful grad school program 4 hours away. We tried long distance for a few months, but come end of September she decided she couldn't commit the time necessary to keep it going. She's literally in school all day then studies non stop till 10-11 at night. She's still got another year of this, then she has a year of clinical that could take her literally anywhere in the country.

 

The breakup was rough, she made out with a guy in a bar in a drunken mistake, and that's how the breakup started. She regretted it alot, but thinks she did it because she wanted out.

 

Fast forward, I try to work through it with her but she won't. Starts out as "we're on pause" but I've time I keep bugging her and turns into "I can't predict the future". I decide one day after a month that this is unfair, I dedicated myself to her, f this I should make myself happy.

 

So I start dating. Go on some flubs then meet this beautiful girl who has so much in common with me. She amazes me. Goes absolutely great for a whole month. I know I'm still healing from my last relationship, and she does too, but we keep seeing eachother.

 

I'm talking to my ex and tell her about the new girl. She freaks out... "This was never supposed to happen, I just need to see you before it's too late.. blah blah" I tell myself "tough she makes the bed she sleeps in" and continue on with my new gf. I meet with my ex the following week while she's home for thanksgiving, give her back a bunch of her stuff, and we get lunch. I get emotional, but she doesn't try to keep the relationship going. We agree that between me having met someone else and her with the guy in the bar, the trust we need is likely not there. It's tough finally letting go, I tell myself that's why I'm emotional, and we agree to remain friends no matter what happens. It ends with us both agreeing we'd be really lucky to end up with each other someday. I leave with the idea that she kinda wanted to try to get back together but realized that it was no.

 

So a few days go by, and I convince myself it's over. I'm bummed, but my new gf is an amazing person and I'm really lucky to have met someone like her. I see her and we take the next step. She wants a relationship, and im reluctant for some reason, I shouldn't be. Any guy would be crazy happy to have her. But I agree. She tells me she's falling for me. I start freaking out, part of me still wants my ex, I can't let someone fall in love with me when she's still on my mind, right? But I shouldn't care, but a couple days go by and it eats at me so much I need to break it off.

 

I lean on my ex a little bit. She knows I broke things off because my heart is still with her. She still cares about me alot and feels guilty that she's the reason I broke up with the new girl. She said she hated that I was hurt when we broke up but knew she could I stop worrying about me when I was with the new gf. She still would be happy to end up with me but she needs to focus on school and has no idea where the next couple years will bring her.. where shall end up, and she doesn't want to drag me along image incase it doesn't work out.

 

So now I'm stuck. I really like the new girl and already regret breaking things off, but she's falling and I'm not there yet. I could definitely fall in love with her. But I don't know if I want to fall for anybody else, but it's probably not right to sit here and wait around because I want to keep grasping on to someone who "still loves me, would love to end up with me, but just cannot commit" because she can't focus on us for the next two years.

 

Any help? If I'm gonna try to fix things with the new girl, time is of the essence I'd guess.

[raines38]

Summary: after 7 years of close friendship, I dated my best female friend for 3.5 years. She went 4 hours away to school, but decided she couldn't commit to us anymore because she needs to focus 100% on school. We're still close, and we would both be happy to end up together someday, but she's unavailable for 2 years and I need to live my life.

 

This isn't fair to me, I start dating, find a girl I really like. She's falling for me, and I could easily fall for her, which scares me. She wants commitment and I'm afraid to give it. That would mean I need to give up on the old relationship, which I have had lots of trouble bringing myself to do, but my ex seems to have done that already.

[PaperCrane]

It obviously bothers you that you can't give the new girl what she wants. Your old girlfriend betrayed your trust and right now you have someone who is willing to deal with all that baggage and waited for you to clear your mind. She sees something in you, look at this from her point of view. Almost no one would deal with that unless they really thought there was a real chance with the other person.

 

What I would do is be honest on both fronts. Tell your ex you need to be away from her, for both you. Tell the new girlfriend you aren't afraid of committing to her but you need a few more weeks of dating because you value her feelings.

 

Your old girlfriend, if you ever got back together, every fight will bring back the memories of betrayal and you running to another girl. Both sides will have a nuclear arsenal and that is just not a good time.

[elaine567]

You didn't give yourself enough time to grieve for your lost love before you started dating again.

You grabbed the first girl you saw in some sort of reaction to your ex cheating on you.

Fortunately for you and unfortunately for her she is a decent sort and now she has fallen in love with you, but you are in no way ready to be committed to her, as you still hanker after your ex.

 

"Ending up someday together" is rarely something that happens, it is just a construct designed to make a couple happier with the heart ache of breaking up.

 

This girl doesn't deserve to be second best and I doubt whether there is a future for you as she will not measure up to your ex pretty quick and you will have another messy break up on your hands.

You need to step back, stop dating and let yourself heal, then you can get back on the scene properly without breaking hearts.

[raines38]

You didn't give yourself enough time to grieve for your lost love before you started dating again.

You grabbed the first girl you saw in some sort of reaction to your ex cheating on you.

Fortunately for you and unfortunately for her she is a decent sort and now she has fallen in love with you, but you are in no way ready to be committed to her, as you still hanker after your ex.

 

"Ending up someday together" is rarely something that happens, it is just a construct designed to make a couple happier with the heart ache of breaking up.

 

This girl doesn't deserve to be second best and I doubt whether there is a future for you as she will not measure up to your ex pretty quick and you will have another messy break up on your hands.

You need to step back, stop dating and let yourself heal, then you can get back on the scene properly without breaking hearts.

 

I get where you're coming from, the thing is I didn't just grab the first girl I saw. I went on some dates, and just really really clicked with her big-time. I can definitely see myself falling in love with her, she amazes me every time I see her. It's effortless between us. There's so much potential. It's just my mind that can't get past the thought of finally giving up on my ex, which is so conflicting. The options are 1. step back and give myself time, to where she might find somebody else and I regret it forever, but potentially end up with happily with my ex, or 2. keep at it and potentially be the best thing I've ever decided to do, but also really potentially hurt her.

 

If nothing else this is a great example of why people need to give themselves enough time. The ultimate reason for dating for most people is to find the person they want to share their life with. I've never done the casual dating thing, I tried it and now it's a big mess. If I never dated, Id probably still be in a big funk over my ex but id not have this new conflict ontop of everything else

Edited December 5, 2014 by raines38

[PaperCrane]

Elaine is on point with this, however I think there can be healing while seeing someone new IF you are willing to put in the effort and not use her as an emotional crutch. I see where you're coming from but... let us look at some key points, as I see them, that you brought up;

 

She regretted it alot, but thinks she did it because she wanted out.

She wanted out. She said it herself.

 

"we're on pause" but I've time I keep bugging her and turns into "I can't predict the future".

She is unwilling to commit to you or in reality show real effort to make up for the breaking of trust.

 

"This was never supposed to happen, I just need to see you before it's too late.. blah blah"

After you grew some cajones and lived for you and found someone who found that attractive she now realizes she doesn't have you wrapped around her little emotional finger anymore.

 

We agree that between me having met someone else and her with the guy in the bar, the trust we need is likely not there.

Yes, that is correct and will A-L-W-A-Y-S be there. Been there. Seen that show. Got knocked on my ass in the pit too. Not worth it because the entire time the whole ordeal is on a knifes edge more so than any other relationship. Trust is the ground love grows in, once it has been salted by betrayal there isn't much that can thrive there.

 

and she doesn't want to drag me along image incase it doesn't work out.

Again, she refuses to give any type of commitment.

 

1. step back and give myself time, to where she might find somebody else and I regret it forever, but potentially end up with happily with my ex

Do not put your happiness in the hands of another. You took it upon yourself and found someone, by your own affirmation, that is truly amazing. That is something you share. You are not given happiness, you share it.

 

2. keep at it and potentially be the best thing I've ever decided to do, but also really potentially hurt her.

DING DING DING! Winner winner, take her to a chicken dinner!

 

But no, seriously, allow yourself to be happy. Let go of the past because that is an abusive anchor that weighs down your now good chance at a relationship. This girl deserves an honest chance because that is what has been given to you. Do not squander these chances. They are few and far between when you find true 'clickness' like that.

[JS84]

You're going to **** up something potentially good because you won't let your manipulative ex who is playing mind games with you go. Stop talking to her. Period. You don't even necessarily have to stay with the new gf but you do need to move on from the old. Nothing you've said has indicated that the situation with your ex girlfriend has changed or even will.

 

Trust me, from an objective bystander's view there's nothing confusing about your situation at all.

[raines38]

Thanks everybody so far for the opinions, it's helping a lot. It's nice to hear from people who are unbiased one way or another

[raines38]

Ugh... so I'm back. Here I am, month 6 after the breakup. I met that girl, we clicked pretty well, we still see eachother but are taking it relatively slow, after that first breakup it was kind of an eyeopener for us both that we both were too freshly out of a relationship for something crazy serious, and to keep it pretty casual as we work out our demons. Shes wonderful, on paper and in person, and I know how lucky I am to have someone like her interested in me.

 

Problem is, after so long, memories of my ex still linger. As an update, she started dating that guy she initially cheated with a month after I started seeing this new girl. Funny, she doesn't have time to be in a relationship when I'm trying to get her back, but the second I tell her I started seeing someone, she spews this crazy jealous rant about wanting me back, and after meeting eachother and going seperate ways she finds time to go on dates with 2 guys and end up with the one that gave her attention in the first place... reeks of rebound to me.

 

Im sick of the thoughts. I try to come to terms with it, and its tough. It just doesnt go away, I started my current job 2 weeks before we broke up out of the blue, so the first memories I have there are this. In my car, I think of all the miles we traveled together. The city I live in, the first place I've ever moved away from home to, she moved with me and this was our town for 2 years. When I travel home, her fathers house is just a few houses up the road. I can't shake the memories. There are days that I wake up in a panic thinking of her, thinking that the chance I had with a girl I had wanted since I met her 11 years ago are dwindling. I almost think my feelings have grown stronger for her in the time away. It drives me crazy.

 

Its weird, I still want her back no matter all the bs that's gone down.

 

I've almost convinced myself, that even though she's seeing that guy, I need to be shot down by her again to really finalize moving on. And I know its probably a bad idea, but at the same time, what if she's sitting there, thinking that there's no way I'd ever want her back because she has so royally screwed up? I know she still cares about me, she tries texting me at least every two weeks, to see how things are. "Hope you're doing well!" "Keep in touch!" As incredibly hard as it's been to hold back, I've been pretty closed up in my responses to her for the last couple of months, but in Feb my grandmother passed away, with whom she was pretty close to during our relationship, so I felt compelled to talk to her about that a bit. "Hope everything went well today, thinking about you" was one of those texts from her.

 

Anyway, I bring this up because she texted me today, "Hey! Happy Wednesday, hope you're doing well" and I dont know how to respond. I'm sick of the typical "I'm well, hope you are too." response. I want to tell her how I feel. I want to give this one, last, final shot, so that my mind can finally fall off the "I KNOW SHE LOVES ME, well what if she's still interested but shes in a mess because now she rebounded with this guy and feels stuck blah blah blah" cycle. But if I'm going to do something so stupid, I want to try to do it as smart as I can. "COME BACK TO ME" is dumb. I wrote out a couple page long heartfelt thing, reminiscing on some old memories, outlining my feelings for her, I'd like to eventually send that, but that would be a lot to just dump out of nowhere.

 

I know how this sounds, most of you will think "dude shes gone, move on" but that's not really the answer that's gonna help. I tell myself that all the time but it doesn't change anything. I'm looking more for how to handle this situation, in a way that nets me the best chances to get back into her heart, as unlikely as it may be. But she wouldn't reach out if she didn't care in some way, she's not a manipulative girl, rather she's incredibly caring even if she has made some dumb mistakes.

 

It could be as simple as a picture of something we used to laugh about together with a caption "saw this last night and thought of you, hope you're well :)" to set up for some more friendly conversations, it could be "call me when you realize what a mistake you made and want to come back to me" but that would be incredibly brash and possibly scare her away.... or something else all together. I'm just looking for ideas here. So that eventually, I can get moving, one way or another.