Toodaloo Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Please someone tell me... Why am I doing this? 2 messages in and I am thinking pervert and boring... is OLD like this all the time? No wonder I couldn't be arsed with it...
Lernaean_Hydra Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Please someone tell me... Why am I doing this? 2 messages in and I am thinking pervert and boring... is OLD like this all the time? No wonder I couldn't be arsed with it... It varies. But yes, often it's just like this. *Yawn* While I think everyone acknowledges the rampant perversion and a lot of people talk about how it's all about "looks" with OLD and whatnot, lord do they overlook how utterly boring people can be. Terrible conversation killed more "maybes" for me than looks, height, and parental status combined. This is one of the main reasons why I always looked to meet relatively quickly since I understood that people are often far better at it in person.
Author Toodaloo Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 So far he has asked about some of the things I like and has basically said that he will stand and take photos while I do it but he is not going to join in. Then to make it worse he keeps bleating on about stuff that I am really not into and could no more conjure up enthusiasm for than grow a beard... Actually growing a beard has more potential... If this doesn't change soon I am going to have to cut it off...
PegNosePete Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Don't waste time with people who you don't think are a good match. A couple of messages, then either meet up or NEXT. 2
Lernaean_Hydra Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 So far he has asked about some of the things I like and has basically said that he will stand and take photos while I do it but he is not going to join in. Then to make it worse he keeps bleating on about stuff that I am really not into and could no more conjure up enthusiasm for than grow a beard... Actually growing a beard has more potential... If this doesn't change soon I am going to have to cut it off... Well this guy in particular sounds like a definite non-starter. Clearly you're incompatible, it happens, as you know but they're not all like this. It's early days yet. I ran across guys who I thought had a lot of potential but ended up being really into/passionate about things I couldn't give a flying figure 8 about. Personally, when I was OLD I just took frequent breaks. I'd have a set of guys with whom I've exchanged additional contact info and then stop using the site for a few weeks at a time. Even going so far as to delete my profile (temporarily. I primarily used OKC but I'm sure it's a feature of many others). You really just have to give it time and understand and accept that you are absolutely not going to have great conversations with everyone nor immediately find someone whose hobbies/interests/political views match your own right off the bat. You also need to accept the reality that (unfortunately) OLD is often about going through a lot of duds and false starts. Only continue if you're fully prepared for that possibility. It can get crappy, monotoneous, frustrating and tedious but it can be worth it. However IMO, OLD should really be used as a supplemental tool in conjunction with at least one or two other avenues.
Author Toodaloo Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 Don't waste time with people who you don't think are a good match. A couple of messages, then either meet up or NEXT. I think I am going to have to cut this one loose - I am really struggling to find any common ground at all. I wanted to give him a chance and I am sure he is a nice enough guy to have a drink with but oh my... 1
Chemist Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I think I am going to have to cut this one loose - I am really struggling to find any common ground at all. I wanted to give him a chance and I am sure he is a nice enough guy to have a drink with but oh my... Yeah, I dunno, I never hit on the girls through OLD in this manner. I just think it is obvious that both people on OLD would like to have sex at some point if they hit it off. I find it is best to just try and hit it off then start a course of dialog explaining what I would like to do / use sexual innuendos to point out the obvious. Foolish.
Author Toodaloo Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 Conversation has got better - I will give him that. I am getting really stuck with what to say though as he talks about something as though he is really into it so I latch on and ask questions and it turns out it is something he did years ago and has no intention of ever doing again...? The only thing that is consistent is drinking wine. I don't really drink as hate to waste a day on a hangover... I know what Merlot and Chardonnay are. I can hazard a guess at grapes and good/ bad years... I don't think he will understand the concepts behind grape growing and tending vines though... I shall give it a go and persevere for a while longer... There must be something there that he can talk about other than watching TV and getting drunk...
PegNosePete Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Meet or move on! You can't put this much effort into every single guy you talk to. You will most likely need to meet 20+ before you find a good one, so you need to sort through them quicker. You've shared enough information to know now whether he's good enough for a meet or not. No more pontification. Either meet up, or move on... 2
Author Toodaloo Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 Done. Can't go on like this. Nice guy but nothing other than nice and I would get fed up of staying in waiting and he would get fed up of me going out all the time.
insert_name Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 It varies. But yes, often it's just like this. *Yawn* While I think everyone acknowledges the rampant perversion and a lot of people talk about how it's all about "looks" with OLD and whatnot, lord do they overlook how utterly boring people can be. Terrible conversation killed more "maybes" for me than looks, height, and parental status combined. This is one of the main reasons why I always looked to meet relatively quickly since I understood that people are often far better at it in person. It takes two to tango so if you are having boring conversations maybe you are just a boring person? Case in point, I sent a slightly ridiculous message to a girl, she replied with a more ridiculous response. I replied with a really off the wall response. We hit it off big time after that. For a brief moment OLD was fun because she brought my personality out of me and I did the same for her. Guys will often play safe with the opening message jjst to get talking so why dont you take ownership of your OLD experience and try escalating it yourself if you srent having fun, if they are boring you have got nothing to lose by throwing them a curve ball to bring the best out of them. I hear a lot about women complaining about guys being boring and it comes across like the guy is just not clowning around enough for her liking while she stands there with her arms crossed looking unamused. Are we supposed to be on OLD purely for your amusement or is it too much to ask for girls to step up to the plate too?
losangelena Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Don't worry if one doesn't work out—there are a zillion others on OKC. When I first started OLD, I thought I needed to give EVERY guy who messaged me a chance (at least the ones who said more than "hey" or were blatantly sexual). After a while, if the conversation didn't flow, I just moved on. I didn't even particularly like messaging online, I preferred to meet in person as soon as possible, because even if you have great messaging chemistry, your in-person chemistry could be exactly zero. I learned this the hard way a few times, too. 1
Author Toodaloo Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 It takes two to tango so if you are having boring conversations maybe you are just a boring person? Are we supposed to be on OLD purely for your amusement or is it too much to ask for girls to step up to the plate too? Absolutely not. Its not entertainment at all. It does take two to tango but when someone doesn't bother to answer your questions, you end up running out of things to say as it gets dull just talking about yourself all the time... You know, find out more about them... So I reminded him of the questions and gently pushed to try and find out more only to find that the great love of driving fast cars was limited to half an hour, once, many years ago and never pursued... I have friends in racing some drive the fancier cars, others drive less fancy cars, but it ended the conversation because I couldn't ask about race tactics, the type of car and type of racing he does etc. He drinks wine, so tried discussing that, turns out he drinks wine and knows nothing more... So bang goes conversation about the grapes and regional differences... So while I am talking about things I am actually doing, actively pursuing and getting involved in, interested in and gaining knowledge about he is talking about something he did once... That is not a great love of something. That is something you enjoyed doing once. He also kept going on about snuggling up to watch TV with a bottle of wine. Now I made it clear that I am not a TV type person. There is a small box in the corner of the living room that is used to play music and films and that is it. Its not even tuned in to any channels and I don't miss it at all. I am rarely in before 10pm because I go out to do things and meet people. Now its all very good and well me talking about all this stuff I am doing but what happens when I want him to talk about himself? Nothing. This is over several messages all day. I would quite happily sit in a pub and banter with this chap as he is pleasant but that is all it would ever be so why lead him on further? As Peg Nose says "Cut it loose and move on". 1
Author Toodaloo Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 When I first started OLD, I thought I needed to give EVERY guy who messaged me a chance . I am chuckling to myself as he is the ONLY guy who has messaged me... I tell you I have to take my hat off to him for trying, his opening message could have been better but wasn't completely lame... I have followed all the advice from the chaps on here, tried messaging etc and done all the things that the guys on here complain that women do not do... Perhaps I need to flash the boobs a bit more!!! Just as well I am not too worried about it really... I just hope it gets better than this or I will never end up meeting anyone new through OLD... Am tempted to stick to just talking to people I meet randomly instead. Seems far more productive.
Frank2thepoint Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 There must be something there that he can talk about other than watching TV and getting drunk... You got a winner, marry him! Case in point, I sent a slightly ridiculous message to a girl, she replied with a more ridiculous response. I replied with a really off the wall response. We hit it off big time after that. For a brief moment OLD was fun because she brought my personality out of me and I did the same for her. You know, this is actually a good idea. How else would someone stand out, unless they don't take OLD too seriously and just have some fun.
insert_name Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Absolutely not. Its not entertainment at all. It does take two to tango but when someone doesn't bother to answer your questions, you end up running out of things to say as it gets dull just talking about yourself all the time... You know, find out more about them... So I reminded him of the questions and gently pushed to try and find out more only to find that the great love of driving fast cars was limited to half an hour, once, many years ago and never pursued... I have friends in racing some drive the fancier cars, others drive less fancy cars, but it ended the conversation because I couldn't ask about race tactics, the type of car and type of racing he does etc. He drinks wine, so tried discussing that, turns out he drinks wine and knows nothing more... So bang goes conversation about the grapes and regional differences... So while I am talking about things I am actually doing, actively pursuing and getting involved in, interested in and gaining knowledge about he is talking about something he did once... That is not a great love of something. That is something you enjoyed doing once. He also kept going on about snuggling up to watch TV with a bottle of wine. Now I made it clear that I am not a TV type person. There is a small box in the corner of the living room that is used to play music and films and that is it. Its not even tuned in to any channels and I don't miss it at all. I am rarely in before 10pm because I go out to do things and meet people. Now its all very good and well me talking about all this stuff I am doing but what happens when I want him to talk about himself? Nothing. This is over several messages all day. I would quite happily sit in a pub and banter with this chap as he is pleasant but that is all it would ever be so why lead him on further? As Peg Nose says "Cut it loose and move on". Well thats fair enough it sounds like in this case you were open to a conversation and did your best. But then you arent the one necessarily complaining about guys being boring. It just comes across like theres little empathy for the role the man plays - he has to initiate and risk the rejection, fair enough, but then to be labelled 'boring' when the girl (seemingly) contributes nothing ither than her precious attention reflects worse on the girl really. It does seem at times like the whole OLD systen revolves areound the man being hot, funny, compatible and able to carry a whole delightfully entertaining conversation while the girl's role is that of a Simon Cowell character on a crap takent show. Judging whether she feels any 'spark' (whatever that is) while the man does his song and dance and if she doesnt then she hits the buzzer and its on to the next. No wonder OLD feels broken, the division of labour is so far from equal that it feels like the format allows women to feel pedestalised. Again though, its probably less fair to hate the player, if the roles were reversed I must admit as a man I would struggle with the power of women messaging me to get my attention. Its the game that deserves the criticism.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 It takes two to tango so if you are having boring conversations maybe you are just a boring person? Or, or, OR maybe that person is just...not...interesting? I very well could be boring to some people, in fact I sure of it if we don't have common interests. It does take two to tango but you'll be out of step if one of you is trying to Foxtrot. You'd have a point had I insisted that every guy I came across was boring. I didn't. I'm actually a huge proponent of OLD and have nary a harsh word to say about my experiences with it, because I navigated it with skill and actually ended up meeting a lot of interesting people. Case in point, I sent a slightly ridiculous message to a girl, she replied with a more ridiculous response. I replied with a really off the wall response. We hit it off big time after that. For a brief moment OLD was fun because she brought my personality out of me and I did the same for her. Being ridiculous doesn't always make you interesting. I've had my fair share of fun/ridiculous exchanges and have sent absurd replies just to make things interesting but not all the time and sometimes when looking to actually get to know someone, putting on the persona of wacky unpredictable jokester is counterproductive. No one likes a tryhard. Guys will often play safe with the opening message just to get talking so why dont you take ownership of your OLD experience and try escalating it yourself if you arent having fun, if they are boring you have got nothing to lose by throwing them a curve ball to bring the best out of them. I hear a lot about women complaining about guys being boring and it comes across like the guy is just not clowning around enough for her liking while she stands there with her arms crossed looking unamused. I'm not sure if this directed at me, OP or just people in general but I certainly took ownership of my experience. It's not about a guy not "clowning around" enough for my liking, sometimes it's quite the opposite. When I was OLD I was there to have fun and meet new people but that wasn't my only goal and my idea of fun doesn't 100% consist of a guy who acts like a "character" all the time. I'm not a toddler, I don't need to be kept babbling and giggling all the time. Are we supposed to be on OLD purely for your amusement or is it too much to ask for girls to step up to the plate too? I'm not even sure how you got this out of anything that's been written here. You'll also note I personally never said anything about men specifically being boring. In fact, what I said was "lord do they overlook how utterly boring people can be". A lot of people can be boring under certain circumstances, most obviously ones in which they encounter people in which they have very little in common. It happens.
smackie9 Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 It's more fun to go out with friends and meet people that way.
Author Toodaloo Posted December 6, 2014 Author Posted December 6, 2014 It's more fun to go out with friends and meet people that way. Couldn't agree more... This OLD thing is rubbish and so superficial. You got a winner, marry him! I am so glad I know you are ironic...! This guy has acknowledged that we are both very different and it probably would not work but he is still trying? Even if he were Brad Pitt we would not get along romantically. I wouldn't ever date anyone as obviously lethargic at all, ever. Its so obvious. So I don't know why he is still pushing... The only thing I can think is that he is desperate. Which makes it worse. What does he want from me? A cheap and nasty shag for the sake of it? Shudders. Time to get tough and be blunt. Really blunt.
Author Toodaloo Posted December 6, 2014 Author Posted December 6, 2014 I'm not sure if this directed at me, OP or just people in general but I certainly took ownership of my experience. I'm not even sure how you got this out of anything that's been written here. You'll also note I personally never said anything about men specifically being boring. In fact, what I said was "lord do they overlook how utterly boring people can be". A lot of people can be boring under certain circumstances, most obviously ones in which they encounter people in which they have very little in common. It happens. I think it was actually directed at me as I was not so PC and did say on numerous occasions that this guy is very boring. And he is. Last night he sat at home on his own and got pi55ed... nice... Why not go round to friends or find something active to do instead???
insert_name Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 (edited) Or, or, OR maybe that person is just...not...interesting? I very well could be boring to some people, in fact I sure of it if we don't have common interests. It does take two to tango but you'll be out of step if one of you is trying to Foxtrot. You'd have a point had I insisted that every guy I came across was boring. I didn't. I'm actually a huge proponent of OLD and have nary a harsh word to say about my experiences with it, because I navigated it with skill and actually ended up meeting a lot of interesting people. Being ridiculous doesn't always make you interesting. I've had my fair share of fun/ridiculous exchanges and have sent absurd replies just to make things interesting but not all the time and sometimes when looking to actually get to know someone, putting on the persona of wacky unpredictable jokester is counterproductive. No one likes a tryhard. I'm not sure if this directed at me, OP or just people in general but I certainly took ownership of my experience. It's not about a guy not "clowning around" enough for my liking, sometimes it's quite the opposite. When I was OLD I was there to have fun and meet new people but that wasn't my only goal and my idea of fun doesn't 100% consist of a guy who acts like a "character" all the time. I'm not a toddler, I don't need to be kept babbling and giggling all the time. I'm not even sure how you got this out of anything that's been written here. You'll also note I personally never said anything about men specifically being boring. In fact, what I said was "lord do they overlook how utterly boring people can be". A lot of people can be boring under certain circumstances, most obviously ones in which they encounter people in which they have very little in common. It happens. I can't see anyone else that you would have intended the 'people' bit to be aimed at other than the men who message you and possibly you yourself, in which case if you class yourself as boring under the right circumstances then I take my hat off to you and retract my comment. And its not about being ridiculous for the sake of it or to play a part. I like surreal humour, especially when its expressed through very prose-y language, sorta like if Ren and Stimpy had been written by HP Lovecraft. when I meet someone who brings that out of me its fantastic, but in OLD its very hard to start off having these interesting and amusing conversations. My opening line will generally be as interesting and amusing as a girls profile is and boy, have I written some mundane crap to try and initiate a conversation. It made me question whether I was mundane and boring, but then I met this girl who I hit it off with and it made me realise that its just about meeting the person who brings the best out of you, whereas to other girls based on my opening message I probably cane across as very dull. But really, without knowing too much about the other person its hard to get off on the right note if you just throw something out there thats too left field so you have to play safe and see how it develops. Thats the problem because I'm sure many a guy has been written off becuase their opening message wasn't entertaining enough. I wouldnt call anyone on online dating boring as I have never known any one of them long enough to tell. By the nature of the medium there is going to be a lot of dull interactions because you dont bring the best out of each other- but that goes for both parties. Edited December 6, 2014 by insert_name
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