I cant cope with this much longer! (Updated)

[david012014]

I'm sorry for the essay but probably best to try and explain all of my 4 months relationship with someone I thought was the love of my live so here we go: I had been single for almost 1&1/2 years and was happy with it after a rough break up with a previous ex. I had been dating quiet a bit but never found anyone I really clicked with.

 

Then suddenly when I wasn't looking I met this amazing girl (24 years old & im 28) in a bar. We automatically hit it off and got on better than I have done with anyone in the past. We had amazing dates together and spent a lot of time together. Within a couple of weeks we were "In A Relationship" on Facebook which was a joint decision. I know it seems a bit fast but we honestly got on so well at the time it just felt right. I remember telling her at the time "please don't break my heart" as I knew deep down I couldn't handle that and I was worried about being hurt again. She promised me she wouldn't and that as long as I loved her everything would be ok.

 

I liked everything about her! She had an amazing personality, so much banter, stunning looks, stable & loving family, good job. Everything about her was perfect for me. Now at the start she told me that she had been single for 8 months after splitting up and leaving her ex bf of 5 years. She told me she was over him and that she had stopped loving him. She also told me which didn't worry me at the time she had always been the one to end relationships and had left a few boyfriends heart broken. She did admit she had "hooked" up with her ex just for sex a couple of times since they broke up but that was it.

 

The problem was that the lived in the same village so bumped into each other every now and then. They also had the same group of friends, although didn't hang out together. She did still have him as a friend on Facebook and still had his number on her phone. She also had this stupid app on her phone that reminded her every day what she did 1,2,3 years ago on the same day which of course was stuff and pics with her ex. But at the time I didn't think anything about it and didn't feel there was anything to worry about and she insured me there wasn't.

 

We carried on for the first 3 months with honestly the best relationship I had ever had. We felt so right together and had amazing times. She introduced me to her family after a couple of weeks and I did the same. I was invited round for dinner, meals out, family events and bbq's all the time. I met all her friends as well who all liked me and thanked me for making her happier than she had been for a very long time.

 

I got on well with all of them and she got on really well with all my friends and family. We both said we loved each other only after a few weeks together and we both said it at the same time. We used to miss each other so much when we spent more than a day or two apart and also talked about the future in regards to moving in with each other. I used to take her out for meals all the time, cook her dinners, buy her flowers, treat her like a princess. All things I have never really done so seriously before and with so much pleasure in previous relationships as this girl felt so special to me. She used to stay round mine all the time and I even stayed with her round her parents, which her parents never used to allow with her previous bf's.

 

Now this is where it all starts to turn and I still don't really know what the cause of it was. Randomly after spending a lovely evening together round her parents she texts me when I got home. She said she wanted to slow it down a little as she was worried about getting into a serious relationship so soon after getting out of a 5 year relationship. She said to me she she in no ways wanted to break up and still saw a bright and happy future with me.

 

Now in the final 6 weeks together we still had great times and that never changed. She did slow down on telling me how much she loved me and admitted to me towards the end that she originally said she love me because she fell in love with the relationship rather than me but she still used to say "I love you" every now and then. I found this very hard to take as I could not just slow or turn off my love towards her and this then caused me to get very worried about how the relationship and her feelings had changed. We still hung out loads, spent time with her family and even 2 weeks before the relationship ended she took me on holiday with all her family and we had such a great time. I did try and talk to her about it all and her feelings towards me but every time she didn't really want to talk about it and used to tell me to stop worrying and putting pressure on it. I remember feeling like I was losing her.

 

There was a couple of situations during this final 6 weeks which scared me as well. Like a time when she bumped into her ex and she said it was really awkward and also when she told me she found out her ex had a new gf and she felt upset about it. She had also received a few texts from him and one asking to meet up which she told me about but also said she hadn't replied to him. But we were still amazing when we were together and had no arguments or fights about it or anything really. However contact on the phone etc had slowed up and she didn't seem as interested as the first 3 months.

 

Now this is where the break up day comes. She had just got back from a weekend away with her friends at a festival. I hadn't heard from her much and had been winding myself up about it all being paranoid about what she was up to etc. This is something I have never been like before but as I felt like I was losing her and her love because of the way she was now acting with less interest it made me feel this way and insecure. She did call and text me a few times saying she missed me etc.

 

Anyways, she came round mine a day after coming back from the festival. I had prepared myself to talk to her about our relationship as I knew I couldn't carry on being in the state I had been recently and loving someone who had seemed to turn down her love towards me. When she came round I was a bit "offish" with her but after about 10 mins of her being really nice and loving towards me I bottled talking to her. We had an amazing evening together! We cuddled, kissed, went shopping for dinner, kissed in public (which she never used to really do). I cooked her dinner, she was changed into my clothes to stay over and she ever chatted to my mum without a care in the world.

 

Now we were laying in bed together when i suddenly got a text from my ex saying hello which I deleted straight away. Her whole attitude then changed. She quizzed me about why i had deleted it so quickly in which I replied "because I don't need to or want to read it". She didn't seem to accept that answer so I asked her what her problem was about it. I pushed the question as I could tell something was up. Within 5 mins of asking her she finally opened up and told me "I think I still might love my ex". Now I wont go into the details of how I took it but obviously I was very upset. I didn't go mad but was very upset and distraught to here that but I also think I kind of expected it. She then went on to admit that a month before getting with me she almost got back with him. So within 15 mins she got changed and left.

 

She told me that I deserved someone who would give me the love and affection I needed, that I was an amazing bf who treated her like a princess and then she left me in a very upset and kind of embarrasing state. We exchanged a couple of texts that night, she told me she was sorry and that her "head was never in it".

 

This is where it all goes sour and I suppose I am just as much to blame as she is as I should of just let go there and gone no contact but I didn't want to let go of what I thought was the love of my live. I had never asked to get back with her but for the next 2 & 1/2 months up to a week ago we haven't really gone more than a week of two without texting. If i am honest its always been me starting the conversations with her and they have usually be around the conversations like: how hurt I am, sorry its ended the way it did, she was the love of my life, how could she hurt me so bad etc. I havent even been rude and nasty about it as I understand the reason why she left. But I suppose i just wanted her care, concern and acceptance on how much the situation has hurt me.

 

Now most of the conversations haven't really gone well either and now contact has finally ended after a big fall out a week ago. We did also met up a month ago which didn't go well either. Basically towards the start of the break up she was apologetic and seemed to care a little though she used to say stuff like she feels "guilty and didn't want to". So I am not too much sure how much she actually cared about me and my feelings and more just didnt want to feel bad and accept she had hurt me.

 

She has now admitted and told me over texts and a meet up the following: "she met with the ex and realised she didn't want to be with him" "the whole time we were together she compared me to her ex" "It came down to her ex and me and the ex won" "when she was single she craved attention and affection and I gave her that" "she never really loved me" "she never saw a future with me" "the more she got to know me the more she realised i wasn't the ONE" "she is even now still deeply in love with her ex" "the reason she left me was because of how she saw me around my dad and she saw a side to me she didnt like"

 

That last excuse was in her last text to me over a week ago which ended badly and is the most hurtful thing she could of said. Trying to use that as an excuse for her mistakes even when she knew the history with me and my dad. She used to say she understood my anger towards my dad and thought it was disgusting how he treated me as a kid but I wont go into all that.

Basically this has all totally messed my head up. I cant seem to left go of it all and stop thinking about it all all the time.

 

She is constantly on my mind at least 80% of the day which is driving me mad. I have read all the articles on how to let go but it doesn't seem to help. I cant seem to see past the pain of it all. I have accepted now that i was just a rebound and that her ending it was for the best. Ive accepted it was never going to work out because her heart was never there to be won. Also accepted that I could never get back with her as what we had is gone and to be honest i would never trust her with my heart again.

 

What I am really struggling with though is how cold hearted, un carring, not understanding or accepting of my feelings and how it has affected me she has been. She doesn't seem to care that her using me as a rebound, even though is wasn't done intentionally has really done a number on me. She has now turned so selfish about it all and doesn't care about me and my feelings at all. She has been so spiteful towards me as well and I really don't feel I deserve to be treated like that by someone I have done nothing wrong to and all I did was love and care for.

 

I even told her that this has made me ill as I am suffering from depression and on medication, in hope she would understand how badly it has affected me. I only told her because she kept saying "why are you making this so difficult". Her reply to me was "I am not being made to feel responsible for problems you clearly had before".

 

I've never felt so worthless and insignificant in all my life. I hate the sight of myself in the mirror. It has totally knocked all my confidence and I have never been this low in all my life. She used to give me banter when we together about how she thought I was short, how I had big ears, how I was a townie, how I dressed bad, had **** car, **** job. All of these at the time didn't bother me as I had her, the most amazing girl on my arm but now she's rejected me and left me I feel they are all real and believe them.

 

Now I understand the most probable reason for her acting like this, being so self centred, not caring towards me and playing the victim now is more than likely a defensive thing to stop herself feeling bad about the whole situation and using a good guy. But how do I learn to accept that and just move on? I gave her the very best of me and she just walked away without even looking back and a care in the world.

 

I have been with other women since breaking up and had a few dates but I always seem to compare them to her which I really don't want to do as I know its not fair and I deserve better. But I'm also worried I will never find anyone which I will have the same spark at first as I did with her. Wont find anyone as attractive and have an amazing family which ill also love like hers. Worried I wont be able to find or let myself love anyone like I did her again.

 

Any tips, thoughts or suggestions on this positive or negative would be very much appreciated as i really cannot cope much longer with this pain and heart ache.

Edited December 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[david012014]

I really can't cope anymore with all this pain and hurt!

I was basically used by my ex as her rebound and she left me for her ex bf. I thought she was the love of my life and I gave and did every thing for her.

I feel so worthless and can't stop thinking about her. How much I still love her and nothing in my life will ever give me the happiness I had when I was with her.

I just want the pain to stop but can't find a way to do it.

[evanescentworld]

For every year a person is with someone else, give 4 months recovery period.

She went out for a guy for 5 years.

She was out of the relationship 8 months.

 

Should have been at least double that before you touched her with a bargepole.

 

5 years trumps the length of time you had with her.

 

She's being cruel to self-protect.

By being cruel, she convinces herself you meant nothing to her, and she has done the right thing.

It's a hell-bitch thing to do, but she has an agenda and you're not on the list. Not even under AOB.

 

I'm truly sorry she has trampled all over your heart, but this is a lesson worth noting.

You need to move on, find a therapist, get some counselling and learn to live again.

[evanescentworld]

And you won't, not for a while.

 

Someone wrote this in another thread:

"Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go." Spencer Johnson.

 

You have to let go.

You cannot ever gamble with your own happiness by placing all the chips on the shoulders of another person, and count on them to complete your life.

It's never going to happen....

Oh, and, I also answered your other thread....