I Just Don't Have an Ounce of Confidence in Myself With Women

[NotUnlikeWaves]

Even though I have NOTHING to complain about myself. I'm decent height, muscular, good looking, well dressed, retardedly successful for my age range (26), drive a luxury sports car, have a great lifestyle, a fantastic social circle, easy abilities to get along with a wide range of people, etc... No matter how good I feel about myself in every other aspect of my life or how much I continue to achieve, I just don't have an ounce of confidence with women. I don't believe any decent looking woman would ever like me. The only women I've ever been with were so attracted to me that it was impossible for me to fck up - I actually slept with a woman last wednesday night from the bar who is just absolutely all over me. These are usually short term things with women I would never ever date (usually not attractive enough for my taste/slutty/trashy, etc.... I want a decent looking, decent shape classy lady as a girlfriend). I just can't get and maintain anything with a girl I could see myself dating because I just don't think I'm worthy of being loved

 

 

Why is this? Why won't this problem go away? Why do I feel like dating and women are so incredibly difficult to deal with and that I have to be perfect beyond perfect beyond perfect to be able to get anywhere with decent looking women? I'm just so defeatist and negative towards dating/women. I feel like I can never live up to their standards no matter how far I go in life. My mind is so disconnected from reality - I see guys everyday who are as average as can be dating decent women but it just doesn't register in my head.

 

 

This just keeps killing me over and over again. I went out to a Karaoke bar tonight with my friends and this pretty brunette came up to me a couple times. Another time, her friends kept telling her to come up and dance with me and even called me and told me to get her on the dance floor. At the end of the night, we sang a Garth Brooks song and she was grinding all over me, hugging me a couple times. Despite this, I kept questioning myself and downplaying it in my mind thinking that no way in hell she likes me

 

 

What is the cause of this? You would think it's maybe low self esteem but I have a good view of myself in all areas of life except for dating.

Edited December 5, 2014 by NotUnlikeWaves

[Nobuddy]

Do you come off as conceited ? You have to be careful with that, never talk about what you have when you're talking to women, if they aren't 20 they don't care. Maybe you don't have a good talking game, ask as many questions as you can about them, and don't forget that smart-ass remark once in awhile. But be careful my friend, I dated a few average girls, and a few very attractive women. The average looking ones where always 1000000000000 times more fun than the real beautiful ones, the beautiful ones are usually insane and you'll get stuck in something you won't wanna be in. Maybe you're just thinking too much- relax and have fun

[NotUnlikeWaves]

Do you come off as conceited ? You have to be careful with that, never talk about what you have when you're talking to women, if they aren't 20 they don't care. Maybe you don't have a good talking game, ask as many questions as you can about them, and don't forget that smart-ass remark once in awhile. But be careful my friend, I dated a few average girls, and a few very attractive women. The average looking ones where always 1000000000000 times more fun than the real beautiful ones, the beautiful ones are usually insane and you'll get stuck in something you won't wanna be in. Maybe you're just thinking too much- relax and have fun

 

 

Conceited? Did you read the whole post?

 

My problem is that I don't think any decent looking girl will like me, not that I think I'm too good for them

 

As far as your comments go about asking questions and what not. That's all fine and well but you gotta believe that the girl is going to like you. You have to believe that you will be successful. That core winning mentality is the key to everything

[Nobuddy]

Oh sorry I mis-understood the question. I see what you're saying now, that sounds like something you have to figure out. It has to be something mentally that could have happened. Did you get a hard rejection before? From the sounds of it you sound like a great guy, and obviously don't have problems finding ladies in general. It might be a personal issue even something from before girls where a thought.

[NotUnlikeWaves]

Oh sorry I mis-understood the question. I see what you're saying now, that sounds like something you have to figure out. It has to be something mentally that could have happened. Did you get a hard rejection before? From the sounds of it you sound like a great guy, and obviously don't have problems finding ladies in general. It might be a personal issue even something from before girls where a thought.

 

 

I've struggled with confidence with women my whole life

 

 

Always felt like dating was impossibly hard

[NotUnlikeWaves]

any more advice for changing my thinking?

[ComingInHot]

Whhhyyyy is it you think this way??

[losangelena]

Not to play armchair psychologist or anything, but did you have bad experiences with girls when you were younger? I have a friend who was teased by girls in grade school/middle school, and as such he does not have a lot of confidence with women now. How about your relationship with your mom? Is it good? Is she overbearing?

 

As a piece of purely practical advice, I'd suggest maybe just practice dating. I'm a woman, so I know the dating experience is different for you and me, but for years I felt like you do—like there was no way any decent guy would ever be attracted to me, and I avoided dating like the plague. But a year ago I decided to just jump into OLD with both feet. At first it was scary and awkward, but for every guy it didn't work out with, I just kept going. I kept things casual and fun and used it as a way to learn more about myself and men in general. Most of the experiences were positive, and over time meeting members of the opposite sex was much less scary, and yes, quality men were into me. It was a confidence booster, for sure.

 

There may be myriad reasons as to why you feel the way you do. It could take a while for you to figure out what's going on mentally/emotionally. But in the meantime, putting yourself in situations were you don't feel confident may help you get over your fears.

[ponchsox]

OP, there is a audio seminar series on how to talk to women and attract super attractive women, even if you're ugly. I had the same issues as you. I listened to these seminars over and over again on my iPod and then started to practice. At first, I was scared and looked like an idiot but as a practiced and implemented what they teach, I was astonished how easy it is to pick up super hot chicks. 90% of guys have zero game, even the good looking ones. You can become that 10% that women are looking for.

[NotUnlikeWaves]

Not to play armchair psychologist or anything, but did you have bad experiences with girls when you were younger? I have a friend who was teased by girls in grade school/middle school, and as such he does not have a lot of confidence with women now. How about your relationship with your mom? Is it good? Is she overbearing?

 

As a piece of purely practical advice, I'd suggest maybe just practice dating. I'm a woman, so I know the dating experience is different for you and me, but for years I felt like you do—like there was no way any decent guy would ever be attracted to me, and I avoided dating like the plague. But a year ago I decided to just jump into OLD with both feet. At first it was scary and awkward, but for every guy it didn't work out with, I just kept going. I kept things casual and fun and used it as a way to learn more about myself and men in general. Most of the experiences were positive, and over time meeting members of the opposite sex was much less scary, and yes, quality men were into me. It was a confidence booster, for sure.

 

There may be myriad reasons as to why you feel the way you do. It could take a while for you to figure out what's going on mentally/emotionally. But in the meantime, putting yourself in situations were you don't feel confident may help you get over your fears.

 

The difference is that as a woman, it's very easy to get dates and get practice like that

 

as a man, if you don't have a ton of confidence, you won't even get a date to begin with. Online dating for men is extremely difficult, even for men like me who are decent looking and successful.

[preraph]

The first vibe I got from you is you wouldn't join any club that would have you. If you know you're going to reject girls in bars (who are just like girls not in bars for the most part) because they like you and like to have a good time and bust a move on you, then probably bars isn't someplace you should go then. Because you have a bias built in. Yes, there are girls who are sluttier than others and since I assume you are inexperienced, I see why that would be outside your comfort zone, though I have a feeling there's more to it, a true bias or double standard. It takes two to tango, so if one is hanging all over you and you're letting her, you're just as slutty as she is. But just because one girl gets a little loopy one night and thinks you're irresistible doesn't make her a slut. At the very least, if you are going to barhop and hoping to meet women, then do it the same hangout with some regularity so you can begin to know some of the regulars before deciding if you like them.

 

Meanwhile, start to unravel how you got to the point that you rationally know you're perfectly fine but feel as if no woman could love you. Who in your past life has made you feel you're never good enough or has underestimated your worth? Or who in your past life disrespected women and judged them harshly as in finding a lot of them slutty? Because that idea came from somewhere, and it's usually childhood.

 

Since you seem solvent, you might want to just do yourself a favor while you're still young and invest in a therapist to work through these contradictory feelings you have. Meanwhile, as you probably have noticed, accomplishing things helps build your self-esteem. It just doesn't always build it in the area you most need it.

[losangelena]

I agree with the notion of therapy. We don't know you well enough to know where you negative feelings and perfectionism come from. Again, from my personal experience, it has to do with past hurts. I'm in therapy currently. It helps quite a bit.

 

I know dating is different for men and women—I stated as such in my initial post—my point was at least to try and practice in whatever way you think you can. Better that than just assuming you'll never get anything good off the ground.

 

This is hard work and tough stuff. No one wants to take a long, hard look in the mirror to try and figure out why relationships are such an issue. But better to figure it out now than sit on it for years and make it worse. You seem smart and successful, and I have no doubt you'll figure this out. But a dose of positivity is step number one.

[NotUnlikeWaves]

The first vibe I got from you is you wouldn't join any club that would have you. If you know you're going to reject girls in bars (who are just like girls not in bars for the most part) because they like you and like to have a good time and bust a move on you, then probably bars isn't someplace you should go then. Because you have a bias built in. Yes, there are girls who are sluttier than others and since I assume you are inexperienced, I see why that would be outside your comfort zone, though I have a feeling there's more to it, a true bias or double standard. It takes two to tango, so if one is hanging all over you and you're letting her, you're just as slutty as she is. But just because one girl gets a little loopy one night and thinks you're irresistible doesn't make her a slut. At the very least, if you are going to barhop and hoping to meet women, then do it the same hangout with some regularity so you can begin to know some of the regulars before deciding if you like them.

 

Meanwhile, start to unravel how you got to the point that you rationally know you're perfectly fine but feel as if no woman could love you. Who in your past life has made you feel you're never good enough or has underestimated your worth? Or who in your past life disrespected women and judged them harshly as in finding a lot of them slutty? Because that idea came from somewhere, and it's usually childhood.

 

Since you seem solvent, you might want to just do yourself a favor while you're still young and invest in a therapist to work through these contradictory feelings you have. Meanwhile, as you probably have noticed, accomplishing things helps build your self-esteem. It just doesn't always build it in the area you most need it.

 

 

I didn't reject her on purpose

 

I didn't pursue her because I didn't think she was really interested in me. I wouldn't mind dating a girl from a bar, I'm not judgmental like that

 

 

I tend to think that no girl likes me, no matter what signs I get

[NotUnlikeWaves]

I know dating is different for men and women—I stated as such in my initial post—my point was at least to try and practice in whatever way you think you can. Better that than just assuming you'll never get anything good off the ground. .

 

The problem is just getting the practice is so damn hard. Just getting dates for me is incredibly hard

 

For example, that woman I slept with on Wednesday is always all over me. She calls me gorgeous and beautiful, says I have a great body, says I'm a great guy, very sweet, etc... but I tried to arrange a date a few days later and she turned me down. She was much older than me so I probably couldn't date her long term but I couldn't even get any practice there is the frustration

 

And before people ask, I don't think my performance was a problem. I lasted for an hour and she seemingly orgasmed twice

[losangelena]

Why do you think you lack confidence with women?

[NotUnlikeWaves]

Why do you think you lack confidence with women?

 

I feel like you have to be a mountain of a man in every way to get a decent looking girl

 

No matter how much I accomplish in other areas of my life, I don't feel like it's enough. I dunno, I'm just very disconnected from reality.

 

Beyond the superficial stuff, I'm very happy with my character too. I'm very loyal and caring for my loved ones, would do anything for them but still, I never feel it's enough. I dunno

[losangelena]

Okay, but why do you feel that way? Why do you think a "decent looking girl" is expecting you to be a "mountain of a man?" Can you identify what causes you to think that way? Did something happen in your past to make you feel that way? Or are you being swayed by what popular culture says a woman supposedly wants?

 

Forgive all the questions, but it seems like you have some faulty thinking going on, and it's best to challenge faulty thinking.

[NotUnlikeWaves]

Okay, but why do you feel that way? Why do you think a "decent looking girl" is expecting you to be a "mountain of a man?" Can you identify what causes you to think that way? Did something happen in your past to make you feel that way? Or are you being swayed by what popular culture says a woman supposedly wants?

 

Forgive all the questions, but it seems like you have some faulty thinking going on, and it's best to challenge faulty thinking.

 

I struggled with girls growing up so I made it to be an insurmountable challenge in my mind. The more I struggled, the worse I made it out to be in my mind. I was a chubby guy in school too. Some guys actually made fun of me cause I didn't even kiss a girl until I was 19

 

it's part of what has fueled my ferocious work ethic. Here's the thing though, there are times where I feel good and feel confident but then I fall back into old attitude and old habits. There are certain women who I feel comfortable around like that but only after a ton of encouragement from them (talking about feeling comfortable romantically, I have no problem talking to women on a platonic level)

Edited December 5, 2014 by NotUnlikeWaves

[Pennyapple]

I think it's normal to feel a bit less confidence with people you find attractive. I don't sweat at all flirting with guys I'm not really attracted to, but blush and stutter a lot with the guys I like. Your case sounds more extreme though. You are only confident enough with the less attractive girls you hook up with at bar, but with the attractive ones you lose your confidence? That's really sad. Unless you work on it you'll never get the attractive girls.

[preraph]

I think the best way to overcome discomfort with the opposite sex is to throw yourself into your activities, sports, hobbies, passions and stay active in them so that you meet people with whom you have something in common and that gives you things to talk about and it also gives you an opportunity to mix with them and get used to them before actually dating.

[NotUnlikeWaves]

I think it's normal to feel a bit less confidence with people you find attractive. I don't sweat at all flirting with guys I'm not really attracted to, but blush and stutter a lot with the guys I like. Your case sounds more extreme though. You are only confident enough with the less attractive girls you hook up with at bar, but with the attractive ones you lose your confidence? That's really sad. Unless you work on it you'll never get the attractive girls.

 

That's kind of what it is

 

With the women I like, I don't feel comfortable and confident it is because I don't feel like they could ever want to date me

 

My problem just comes down to me thinking women have impossible standards and I could never provide what they want

[NotUnlikeWaves]

I think the best way to overcome discomfort with the opposite sex is to throw yourself into your activities, sports, hobbies, passions and stay active in them so that you meet people with whom you have something in common and that gives you things to talk about and it also gives you an opportunity to mix with them and get used to them before actually dating.

 

I meet people all the time, make friends all the time. I try to socialize as much as possible. It doesn't matter - it's about meeting a decent girl who likes me and I've had no luck with that

[preraph]

Sounds like you may have priced yourself out of the market, in a manner of speaking. How about male friends? Do you have close male friends you can really talk to?

[NotUnlikeWaves]

Sounds like you may have priced yourself out of the market, in a manner of speaking. How about male friends? Do you have close male friends you can really talk to?

 

I have a social circle of maybe 5 very close friends that I hang with all the time and there's a revolving group of maybe 20-30 people that hang with us all the time

 

 

What do you mean that I priced myself out of the market? I don't have unreasonable standards

[NotUnlikeWaves]

I should add that i'm looking for a relationship

 

 

easy fun and sex is fine if it comes but that's not really my priority