Chin Up Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Lot's of threads have been cropping up about contacting the Dumpers. We've all gotten a glimpse into what the Dumpees are thinking/feeling leading up to, and after, we make contact. We all sit here in the dark, wondering/worrying about how we must look to the Dumper, and if we truly did make as big of a fool of ourselves as we imagine. Always assuming the worst and beating ourselves up to no end. But what about you, Dumper, how did/do you feel to be on the receiving end of contact? I think us poor pitiful Dumpees could use a little insight with the holidays approaching lol... save us from ourselves. Don't hold back or sugar coat your replies! Let us have it! We've made it this far. What did you think/feel, when you saw our name randomly pop up on your phone? 1
Jewels7 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Okay so maybe I'm not a typical dumper here (walked away from a man whom I was still in love with because he was so bad for me). But after months of NC he contacted me yesterday. My feelings: sick to my stomach, can't sleep/eat (we broke up 7 months ago) and feeling like I've hit square one in my effort to get over him. Eh so I guess I sound more like the dumpee even though I did the leaving.
Author Chin Up Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 oh no, I'm sorry to hear it hit you in such a negative way! It also surprises me. Did you reply? If so, did you put on a brave face like everything is fine and dandy, or did you tell him how his contact made you feel? Where do you plan to go from here?
me85 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Okay so maybe I'm not a typical dumper here (walked away from a man whom I was still in love with because he was so bad for me). But after months of NC he contacted me yesterday. My feelings: sick to my stomach, can't sleep/eat (we broke up 7 months ago) and feeling like I've hit square one in my effort to get over him. Eh so I guess I sound more like the dumpee even though I did the leaving. See, this is going to sound insane but my ego wants my ex to contact me JUST so I can have the satisfaction of ignoring and not responding (which I've never done) but mostly I'm praying for my own emotional well being that my ex doesn't ever contact me again. I don't want to keep going through the same old **** for years of my life! 2
freebird31 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I was just thinking of this. I believe in no contact because it's a way for you to heal. I personally do not like having bad blood with anyone, exes included. So if for some reason, your relationship did not end on good terms, (depending on the circumstance) I wouldn't see how it's wrong to reach out to the dumper for peace. BUT under the condition that enough time has passed and you are no longer thinking emotionally, but reasonably and rationally. I'm talking maybe, 1-2 years after the breakup maybe evn longer depending on the time of healing. I had an ex-fling who was more emotionally invested in the fling than I was, contact me 1.5 years after the separation. And I did not read it as a desperate plea. I read it as someone who wanted closure, and peace. He reached out and sent me a message explaining to me what he felt I did wrong to him, and asked for peace. I didn't think this was desperate. And I'm glad he did such. To this day (that message was sent to me 2 years ago) I have always respected his honesty and I respect that he waited a good amount of time to send the message to me. But then again, I'm just an understanding person. I don't know how other "dumpers" would react....
Jewels7 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I don't do very well at putting on a brave face. So I told him exactly how I felt. It was nice to hear he still loved me etc, but I guess when he realized I wasn't going to give him another chance he started getting mad and blaming things on me after he had just apologized for said things. He knows me so well though he knows exactly how to push my buttons and manipulate me.
me85 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 So change! Be a different person! Wink wink. I know how that sounds but you say he knows you...well, he knows that you know that he knows you...that's why he knows how to manipulate you and press all those wrong buttons. Trick him into thinking that he doesn't know you at all. That you're not the same girl you once were. You're better than her. (=
Jewels7 Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 Yes me85!!! This is so true. After he turned ugly he told me to go ahead and block him again that he knows where to find me. Well this time I'm not doing it. Ill let him just wonder why I'm not upset enough to block him. (Ill probably do so again if it does start getting bad but for now I'm going to act like I just don't give a d@mn) If he messages again I'm going to try my hardest not to fall for his game again.
sober and dry Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 Well I was the dumper about half of the times and let me tell you it wasn't that easy as it seems... Of course it's easier, especially when you do properly, but, the dumpers still suffer with it, feel almost all the same questions and fears BUT, after all we did it because we wanted to and, if the dumper was a clean conscience it will be even faster to heal. But, of course, this is me talking, because everyone is just a mystery box I have saw both extremes, dumpers that have already pass the dumped when them dump them, and dumper who suffer more than the dumped... Been there, done that...
Danda Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 I was the dumper in a 3+ year relationship. I was in a **** ton of pain but I couldn't act like it. I almost felt like I didn't have the right since I was the one that made the call to end things. I was the 'bad guy' (well, gal) and I felt I had the responsibility of faking a sense of resolve and 100% certainty about it. My ex (the dumpee) sent me a handful of desperate, frantic emails practically begging me to reconsider and keep trying and I ignored them all, save the first one to which I responded like a total raging bitch in the hopes that it would give him the resolve to move on. It's like once you know you've reached a dead end of some sort, you know that showing any weakness at all is just going to torment the dumpee for no good reason. So you have to fake feeling no inner conflict or turmoil to the best of your ability. Because even though I did feel really torn up, that didn't mean I thought we should stay together or that we were right for each other anymore. It's not like all the good memories and things over 3 years just never existed or didn't matter at all. In fact those are the memories that run through your head over and over once you've made the decision. NC as the dumper was insanely difficult for that very reason. There were constant almost panic attack like rushes of doubt. There was still that tremendous sense of loss. It was an extremely bittersweet thing. I remember stalking his ass on FaceBook from a fake account and watching him rebound so soon. It's a very different sort of letting go when you're the dumper, I think. It's like.. I'm going to miss you so bad in some ways and I hope you have a wonderful life. And then you keep your face straight and keep walking. That's why I get kind ticked when I read stories on here of dumpers sending random breadcrumbs and confusing bull**** to the dumpees who post here. Because I did NC for over 6 months because I knew it would be cruel not to, no matter how insanely tempted I ever was. 4
happiness0421 Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 Hi there - just posted a long piece on 'inside the mind of a dumper' under the breakup section. It was cathartic for me and the pain I am feeling after ending a long-term relationship with a wonderful person who just wasn't right for me. Here is the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/505994-inside-mind-dumper 1
Author Chin Up Posted December 13, 2014 Author Posted December 13, 2014 That's why I get kind ticked when I read stories on here of dumpers sending random breadcrumbs and confusing bull**** to the dumpees who post here. Because I did NC for over 6 months because I knew it would be cruel not to, no matter how insanely tempted I ever was. Good for you! The right thing isn't always easy. Looking back, the handful of texts exchanged right after the breakup had me confused. Didn't matter what he said, I would snap on some rubber gloves and dissect it into a bloody pulp. I had enough sense to know I needed NC. Lasted a whopping 15 days before I caved haha. Nothing sappy or needy, just expressing confusion as to why things ended and feeling some guilt on my end (not sure for what lol). He ignored it. lol? That hurt and confused me even more because our texts before that were fine and he had taken up my offer of friendship (yeah, i went there lol ) to being ignored. I wish he had just gone NC on me right out of the gate. Cruel to be kind and all that. I probably look like a pathetic fool to him for sending that (hence him ignoring it), but what's done is done.
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