lindsay91313 Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 I apologize for the length, but I could really use some advice. My husband and I were friends for a good three years before getting together. There was always that attraction, but distance and significant others at the time deterred us from being together. Fast forward to 2012 and we hung out while I was visiting a few friends in the Boston area. We both fell completely head over heels. It was perfect. He came to visit me three days or so after I flew home and I came back to MA with him never to look back. About three months later I found out I was pregnant and our little apartment was not baby friendly, so we had to move back in with his parents, as we could not afford something bigger at the time. They are extremely religious and in order for us to room together, we needed to have a shot gun wedding. It was extremely rushed but I loved him and wanted to marry him. I had a very rough pregnancy and slipped into a deep depression that lasted a good year and a half. The blame and resentment started and it's like I had no filter. I had a stint in the hospital for trying to harm myself, had to do a brief partial-inpatient program at the hospital and have been in counseling ever since. I know I definitely put him through the ringer. He says I am verbally and emotionally abusive, I know I was hard on him. While I can definitely see why he would think that, I was extremely depressed for a long time and feel like he wasn't seeing the real me. I was putting myself through the same hell. I have lost about 20 pounds on top of losing all my baby weight, got a new job, will be starting online classes soon to finally have a degree, and have just been feeling great all around; everyone notices. I also quit abusing alcohol cold turkey and haven't had one depressed episode since. I just wish he could understand and let us move on but I understand where he is coming from as well. He says we can be good co-parents but he doesn't see us working as a couple, but he will flip flop on whether he thinks we will work or not. We have been "separated", as in living in my inlaws house, which is hard enough, just sleeping in different rooms. And for the past week or so we haven't even said a word to each other. We are cordial but not speaking; my choice because I've been trying to accept us not working, and talking to him and laughing with him makes me sad. I used to occasionally bring up what was going on with us and it would either end in arguing or end in us in bed together, and then I would feel used because he would totally pull a 180 (wanting to take it slow, not sure if he wants to be with me) after having sex with me and it was confusing. He would assure me he still cares about me and it's not about that, that he just wants to take it slow., but I still felt suspicious and used. The word divorce has been thrown around, mostly on my end when I was in one of my depressed rants, but I haven't had one of those in several months. Neither of us have filed and he never brings up divorce. Long story short, I have definitely been moving on. I've been focusing solely on my son and myself and haven't brought anything about the relationship up to him. But it still lingers in the back of my head. I try to work around when he is home so he can be with his son without me around. I guess what I'm getting at here is, is there hope for our marriage to be saved even with all that we've been through? There has never been any infidelity or anything like that. We've just always had terrible communication issues. I do love him very much and feel like getting a divorce would be so final when these issues we have could be worked on. He's an expert stonewaller so I never really know what's going on about anything. Am I just kidding myself here and holding on to something that is never going to happen? I just want my family to be together and for all of this to be put behind us, whether it's six months from now or whenever, I really do. I've also hesitated posting this for a while, and I've felt myself distancing from him in terms of reconciling because I deserve to be happy too. I don't want to be some afterthought. I apologize if I've rambled too much. Help me
evanescentworld Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Act like you don't care. Act like you've risen above it. Fake it until you make it, and be nonchalant, distant, aloof and unfazed. If you act any other way, it spells 'clingy and needy' and it will repel him. If you put up the front that 'this is sooo yesterday' it may - it just may - pique his interest. He may fall back into love with the new you. The more you appear to grow distant, the more he may relax, feel things have changed, notice your independence and be attracted by it. It's an idea, and might work - nothing else so far has. And if nothing else, it will change you for the better, and will show in your attitude and personality.....
Author lindsay91313 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 (edited) I've been doing a whole lot of faking since I got back from my trip in October, and finally the making it part is starting to stick. I sleep better at night and don't wakr up feeling all panicked and like I have to go clean something right this second. I just don't know why I can't seem to let go. Edited December 4, 2014 by lindsay91313
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