Blue08 Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 I was living with my drunk father and my 2yr old son when I met my husband. We stopped dead in our tracks when we first met each other. He always said ever since he met me he wanted to help me , he saw in my eyes that I had a kind heart. Less than a year we moved into together. Things were ok ,at least that what a young 19yr would think. He kept going out drinking a lot and wouldn't be home until the am's. which really didn't bother me too much, I would have dinner waiting in the oven for when he got home, and I would get up and cook him breakfast and bring to him in bed. He also started being a father figure to my 2yr old son since his biological father was not around. He acted as any 2yr old temper tantrums, accidents. My husband thought that my son needed to be disciplined and one day my son had a #2 accident, again. So he took him into to the bathroom and wanted to clean his butt with all purpose cleaner because he wanted it to hurt him so he would not have an accident again. We got into a huge fight over and there is no way in hell i would ever let that happen! He called his sister and told her and she just kinda laughed it off. We would constantly fight over my son, he thought i was to easy, i thought he was to harsh. I ended up getting pregnant which he later told me he pretty much did it on purpose. We moved away so he could start a career and be closer to his family, which is 8hrs from mine. This is the first time i was ever away from my family. I knew no one, I had no one. The fights of my oldest son continued. My son had accidents every night and my husband said he was doing it on purpose, and spanked him. I would stand up for my son. my son started wearing goodnight's and my husband called them diapers just to harass him, and again I would fight back. He spanked my son so hard he would leave welts on his butt. He was always angry with me for not be on the same page and it was me that was the issue. We went to behavioral health to try and sort things out and I believed that it helped, but then my husband would come back and say that the counselor didn't know anything because he doesn't have kids. things got better we improved a lot over the years. He didn't get a long with my mother. I was constantly in the middle. but I stuck up for him. I stayed home with the boys. I made his breakfast, packed his lunch and dinner was on the table when he got home. I cleaned up afterwords, put the boys in bed and cleaned the house. I Had no friends, no family. I supported him through school and hours of homework. I sacrificed everything I had for my family. I was alone. and I tried my hardest and everything was always wrong and he could always do it better. there were good times and there were bad times. all i wanted was for him to take me out dinner I wanted something to look forward to. and he couldn't do that he said it was up to me to do that. I would cry and tell him i was unhappy I told him what I needed, i even gave him ideas. Then one day he wouldn't give my oldest son a blanket to sleep with because he didn't put in the dryer in time for it to be ready by bedtime. So my son during the night climbed in his bed with his brother and my son had ended up having an accident and my husband that morning went upstairs and found him in the bed picked my son up, rubbed his face in the mattress and then through him on the floor. I did not know this was going on until my son had told me after my husband had left. I was so angry I called his mother and she kinds laughed it off! Am i over reacting? i feel like I'm not! I couldn't even look at my husband, he treated my son less than a dog! I was so sick of fighting, i had know where to go. I ended up meeting some guy and it was so nice being able to talk to someone. I know it was the WRONG thing to do. I fell hard for him and I ended up leaving my husband. I am going to school now and my oldest lives with me. and his younger brothers live with my husband bc my husband thinks my oldest is destroying the younger one's. which a I disagree. my oldest was the product of his environment and he is doing great now. I have nothing, I am picking my life up piece by piece and I chose to let my two youngest stay with their father during the school week, bc i need to have two legs to stand on. My husband wants to work things out and sometimes I just don't know if we can. I am an extremely kind hearted person and I believe anything can be fixed and forgived as long as we can work on it. but it just seems we are two opposites. I feel extremely guilty that my marriaged failed every single day and the sadness overwhelmes me for my children.
jm2013 Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Can you clarify a couple things. You seemed to have painted your husband as a child abusing drunk who seemed to have gotten a little better over time but those old habits stuck around through your marriage. With that being said, you took that resentment toward your husband to have a guilt free affair that you "may" have started to feel bad about. IF your husband is treating your kids like that WHY would YOU even feel secure enough to have your other two kids staying with him without bringing this to light with child services? You're painting two very different pictures here. Are you mustering things up on your husband to avoid the ramifications of your affair? Sorry, I'm trying to follow. Wouldn't you want all of your kids safe KNOWING what your husband is capable of with the picture you painted in the story?
Author Blue08 Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 My other two boys are treated a lot differently that my oldest. I did talk to the school and we also went to behavioral health so I have reached out to professionals. I am just trying shed some light on why our marriage failed. I did not have a guilt free affair. I am fully responsible for my horrible choice. Im just confused, he wants it to work and i feel guilty for what I did and he says he realizes what he had, which sucks bc i feel like I lost almost all my hope.
DbleBetrayal Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 If he is treating your son like crap, why are you wanting to be with him so bad, plus you cheated anyways? He hits him and rubs your sons face in his own crap for christ sake!? Why would you allow that, and than want encouragement to stay with him? I think you should think about putting your son first and think about men and dodgy relationships less.
Author Blue08 Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 I am not wanting him so bad, if i wanted to be I could. I guess I am looking for encouragement that its ok to let go. that it is not all my fault.
DbleBetrayal Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I am not wanting him so bad, if i wanted to be I could. I guess I am looking for encouragement that its ok to let go. that it is not all my fault. It's okay to leave. It's the right thing to do going by what you wrote here. 1
jm2013 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Well, your marriage sounds like it failed for a few different reasons. First off, I think you did have a problem with your husband's drinking long ago. You seem to be passive about that but I'm sure there were many nights where you husband was getting slammed with the boys or whoever else while you were constantly at home playing house. It was nice of you to keep the meals warm and feed him in bed in the AM for the hang over. I'm sure that gave him a green light to keep doing the same thing over and over since he was getting rewarded for it. His parenting sounds terrible. Who does that? To be honest, I'd be nervous as hell with the other kids as well. If he's doing that to one what's to say one of the other kids won't start "annoying" him? There's been cases of people disciplining their kids when they were drunk who took things way too far and either hospitalized the kid or accidentally killed them. I'd be extremely careful there. From what you said it sounds like he's reckless. No kid deserves to be hosed down with 409 or their face stuffed in their own crap cause they had an accident. Accidents happen all of the time at that age. It is common. There are a million other ways to deal with it appropriately. Moving on it sounds like you carried a ton of resentment toward your husband. Then prince charming shows up at your doorstep and you see a bright shining light that may have looked a lot better than what you were dealing with. You were missing a key component with your husband though which is communication. I think if you held his feet to the fire before you had an affair and requested him to do things or terminate your marriage you may have had a chance to fix some issues. If you guys want to repair your marriage you are definitely going to need some counseling. Perhaps marital counseling as well as individual. It sounds like there's a long road ahead for a happy reconciliation at least. Good luck to you.
beach Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I think it's good you got away from your abuser. But you need to get the kids with you. And request child support from both fathers. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I was living with my drunk father and my 2yr old son when I met my husband. Less than a year we moved into together. Things were ok ,at least that what a young 19yr would think. He kept going out drinking a lot and wouldn't be home until the am's. Blue08, do you see a pattern here? Mr. Lucky
merrmeade Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 (edited) You make it sound as if you are in a co-dependent relationship with your husband and have subsumed all your needs and those of your children to his. It's very difficult to work on this kind of dynamic if only one of you is interested or honest about issues. But it's worse, immoral even, to prioritize that in light of the destruction of your older son's chances for a normal life. If you've really given up and moved out, then why oh why, did you leave him and his brother with an abusive adult? This child AND the adults responsible for him desperately need help in learning what his developmental issues are and where you have all failed him - more than you need help for your marriage. Your child's emotional state is so fragile and will become a much bigger, more difficult problem when he's older if you do not address it immediately. You are his mother and have allowed over and over again for the most impressionable years of his life to be set by a colossal lack of understanding about his insecurities, allowing him to be ridiculed, then abused by his stepfather without protecting him or making him feel safe. He feels abandoned by his father and, now cannot depend on his mother to be his advocate. I'm sorry but I feel so bad for your son that I simply cannot see further or understand how anyone can ignore it to deal with the purported theme of the thread and discuss the state of your marriage. It's unconscionable to put your needs above his, considering who's responsible for the situation. Not to seek intervention and treatment for his problems makes you as guilty of abuse as your husband. You will foist a very unstable human being on society if you do not meet your responsibilities as a parent - now. Get that man away from him and get the child - and his mother - some help! Edited December 5, 2014 by merrmeade
Author Blue08 Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 I feel like I did stand up for him. I always did. I called behavioral health. I called the school and told them about everything I said on here They talked to me and to him and to my son. Alone and individually. My husband insists there is something wrong with my son and the psychiatrist says there isn't. And I agree his grades are awesome he needs love, support and encouragement as well as appropriate positive discipline that it consistent. I have talked to his new school so that the teacher, the school psychologist and I are all on the same page and they see no issues. The moments with his step father were not all bad but I should of left after the first incedent I was an idiot for staying. My son doesn't know that he isn't his biological father.
jm2013 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I feel like I did stand up for him. I always did. I called behavioral health. I called the school and told them about everything I said on here They talked to me and to him and to my son. Alone and individually. My husband insists there is something wrong with my son and the psychiatrist says there isn't. And I agree his grades are awesome he needs love, support and encouragement as well as appropriate positive discipline that it consistent. I have talked to his new school so that the teacher, the school psychologist and I are all on the same page and they see no issues. The moments with his step father were not all bad but I should of left after the first incedent I was an idiot for staying. My son doesn't know that he isn't his biological father. To be honest, it sounds like he has resentment toward your son because he's not the biological father. Perhaps this is also the reason why he "purposely" impregnated you when you weren't "expecting" it? Anyways, you should get all of your kids away until the situation can get secured. Perhaps having monitored supervision with your kids and him during visitation would be advantageous to the situation.
Author Blue08 Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 My oldest does live with me. My two youngest stay with him. After I left I had a vehicle and clothes and not a dime to my name. He went out that day I left to family court and then went to a lawyer. At this time I was at the worst part of my life I was scared and overwhelmed with guilt. I had no support except from the guy I cheated with. I felt homeless and I hated taking money from him. He wouldn't let me see the kids and I ended up picking them up from school and then received harassing messages from his family for doing this. He ended up stealing the car back so then I was without a vehicle. During this he was already dealing with a lawyer and had me served with the custody arrangements and I didn't have 2000 dollars to afford a lawyer. I went to a lawyer for free advice and the county which the children live won't offer a court appointed lawyer. And I was scared at that time bc I had nothing. I couldn't prove what he did bc it was was confidential. I am not a bad person I love my children with everything I am which I why I am going to school, I have a vehicle now and beds for them to sleep in so I can go back to court and show them I have something.
Author Blue08 Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 Then he wants to work things out. Admits that what he did was wrong and realizes what he had. Apart of me feels like I owe it to the children to try harder so they won't have a broken home and then there is a lot of me that is done. The choices that he made shows his character and it will never change and now our marriage is more of a mess than it was bc I cheated and everything is my fault and I'm the whore so all issues come back to me cheating. Ugh!!!!
jm2013 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 As the mother I don't even think you need a lawyer. Just show up to court and tell the judge he's a child abuser. How long have you been out of the house? You should not have left the marital home unless of course your life is threatened or you're in some sort of threatening situation. This was your home as well. After so long of being out of the marital home it could be considered abandonment. Plus, it doesn't sound like you had anywhere to go. You don't work but your husband works which means you'd be awarded alimony as well as child support in a divorce. They typically do a 50% asset split as well. You can make things as hairy as you'd like in court. You could also sit at the table and start negotiating with your husband on how your marital assets would be split. 1
Author Blue08 Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 It's not abandonment bc it was for the best interest of the children. I left the house bc it was passed down from his parents to him before we were married so it's his. And his parents live right accords the street and his sister a mile down the road no way I'm staying. I have been out a year. We split the children 50/50 now. Not my oldest he is with me
merrmeade Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I'm sorry I was so hard on you, especially since the one who was abused is with you. I thought from something you'd said they were all with him including this one. I hope there enough other things right in his life that the damage from his stepfather is mitigated, though making good grades doesn't necessarily mean there was no damage from that kind of trauma and abuse. I commend you for trying to be a good mother with all these circumstances and hope you get custody of all of them. There's a lot of solid, practical advice given here, as you just read, on rights and strategies related to divorce.
Author Blue08 Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 Im not sure if i can say this site has helped me or not. The co dependency thing well you probably right. I told him things arnt going to work and he freaked and again im the lying cheating whore. And now the fights will continue.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 And now the fights will continue. Only if you let them. Pretty simple to go NC except for matters involving your kids. Have you thought about the lessons your sons learn by watching how your husband treats you? Mr. Lucky
jnel921 Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 I agree with the other posters. This man has abusive behavior. The fact that he is a drunk, and maybe an angry one makes it worse and dangerous for your kids. If you love your kids you need to put them first and protect them. The son who is getting the brunt of the abuse will grow up to treat others just as badly. You need to stop this and set the example. I don't understand how the abuse is confidential? you should be able to speak to the bureau of Children's welfare about his behavior and they will speak to your kids. At 19 you went from living with you drunk father to a drunken man? Fix that situation and save your kids and yourself. Good Luck. 2
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