Annoyed at boyfriend around his friends.

December 4, 2014

Okay, so my boyfriend is wonderful whenever we are alone together or with his friends sober. Last night I was working late and he asked me to go to our university graduate ring celebration (it's the same day every year - we graduated three years ago) at a local bar with some of our mutual friends. I left work an hour early and took the bus there to meet him as he was drinking and couldn't pick me up. I got there and there was a large group of people sitting in a circle, and he invited me to sit. He offered me a beer but I said no, as I want to save money and my energy since we are going on vacation to Mexico in three days for a week.

Anyways, he kept repeatedly asking me dumb questions over and over to purposely annoy me if he found I was being quiet or not engaging in a conversation. Then he pretty much was ignoring me for two of his friends, which is fine whatever, I found some people to talk to at the bar. Basically I said I may go home as it wasn't my scene and I was sober, and he said "ok but I am staying here with my friends. I'm leaving when they are leaving" I was like sure but waited as I didn't want to walk home in -20 weather.

Basically as usual he just wasn't concerned if I was having fun at all, and when I was meh not really he just turned to his friend and kept having a good time. Also when he is drinking he gets obnoxious and annoying, and asks me questions repeatedly over and over.

By the end of the night I asked if he was driving home or staying with me as he had four beer, and he said "Going home to my place." I was like okay. Then he went to the washroom. As he left a guy I didn't know came up to me and started hitting on me. My boyfriend came up, wasn't even phased at all, said "Can you pass me my jacket? My friend is ready to go so we're leaving. But you're welcome to stay!" (being genuine). Since I wanted to go home, his friend drove us to my apartment where he parked his vehicle and he didn't really say a word, he just kind of asked me if I had a good night and I said I was tired and went inside. Then he drove home.

Basically I feel when he is drinking around his friends, he will ALWAYS invite me but then ignore me for his friends. He wants to drink how much they drink, stay out as late as they are staying out, do what they want to do and has no regard for my well being or what I want. I feel like his friends come before me each time which is fine but why invite me out then? Last time I left early from a party and he walked me home and said that I "took him away from his friends and he was having fun" ....He's more than welcome to see his friends without me.

I don't know, am I over-reacting here? We're supposed to go on vacation but I'm just not even excited anymore.

December 4, 2014

Well you are a big girl and can make your own decisions, leave get a cab, make him pay for it if you can't. He is not your entertainment and shouldn't have to focus his attention on you, he is there to socialize with others. He asked you questions because he sees you sitting there being mute and wants you to liven up, be a part of the conversation. You shouldn't need him to hold your hand to socialize in a group. 4 beers is not intoxication. If you are not much of a drinker, and you feel your BF has to guide you through the social graces of the night then you are not well suited for each other.

Go on your trip, and assess. Just maybe you need to move on.

December 4, 2014

Yes you're overreacting. No offence but you sound like a real drag and like your presence makes it harder for your boyfriend to enjoy his night out when he isn't even doing anything inappropriate or out of order. I don't understand why you agreed to go to his graduation night out if you were just going to sit there sober and not make an effort to engage his friends in conversation? I mean, you're going on vacation in three DAYS time and it sounds like he offered to buy you a drink, on one hand I'm not saying everyone should drink alcohol constantly, but I am getting the mental picture that you just turned up, went and sat there quietly, didn't have a drink or try to join in, and then got pissed when he didn't want to leave. Why does a holiday in three days mean that you can't afford to waste the energy it takes to drink a beer? I don't understand.

So you said you were going to leave, and he said 'that's fine, but I'm staying with my friends' and you said 'sure' but then waited anyway, because you didn't want to walk home in the cold? So you told him you were leaving to try and influence him into leaving with you? From what he said 'he says I took him away from his friends and he was having fun' I think you should listen carefully, because he's saying that you're having a real negative impact on his enjoyment of the time he spends with his friends and that may become a problem. You said at the end 'he's more than welcome to see his friends without me' but you are upset that he doesn't put you first and leave the party early when you're not enjoying yourself? Would you prefer that he just doesn't invite you with his friends? That's a genuine question.

You don't have to go to social events with him if you just don't enjoy them, you know. I used to be in your boyfriend's position and have a boyfriend just like you, and it was incredibly draining. Sometimes he'd come out for a meal or something with me and my friends, and although they made an effort to include him if the conversation turned to in jokes he'd sit there silently looking bored not even trying to get involved, to the point that friends were pulling me to one side and asking 'what is up with him!?' and I honestly didn't know. When I'd ask him, he would say 'I'm not enjoying myself but I don't want to be a dick and ruin your evening, so I'm just sitting quietly and letting you have you fun' which is the most passive aggressive crap I've ever heard, if he wanted to not ruin my night he'd have been making an effort, I can sit for a whole evening and make copious amounts of effort to get on with pretty much anyone if I put my mind to it, and he couldn't do it for even two hours, with people who were at times making the effort to actively include him but also at times were focused on each other and laughing and having their own personal conversations. Honestly I just felt like I had to babysit him, and eventually stopped inviting him out because I would dread him pulling me to one side and telling me he was having a bad night and he was leaving, which made me wanna run after him, or him just sitting silently and everyone wondering what was up with that guy.

So your boyfriend didn't get pissy when a guy hit on you, WELL DONE for finding a decent guy, seriously what would you prefer? That he start a fight? He obviously trusts you not to cheat on him, and isn't possessive. I'd much rather a man like that than someone who acted like a caveman and as though he didn't trust me to handle myself if a man came over and started talking. Sounds to me like by that point he wasn't even into being near you anymore and just wanted to get away from you.

Maybe he's more suited to a girl who's into partying and having a good time and you'd be more suited to someone who doesn't drink or want to go see their friends in large groups or whatever, I don't know. But I know the way you're acting isn't conducive to a guy wanting to stick around indefinitely. Apologies if I seem like I'm being harsh but it really surprised me how little insight you have and you did post asking for other opinions so I think one from someone who's been in your boyfriend's position is helpful. You sound very passive aggressive and like you'd rather go and ruin his night than just gracefully say you have other plans and not go.

Edited December 4, 2014 by acrosstheuniverse

December 4, 2014

Yes you're overreacting. No offence but you sound like a real drag and like your presence makes it harder for your boyfriend to enjoy his night out when he isn't even doing anything inappropriate or out of order. I don't understand why you agreed to go to his graduation night out if you were just going to sit there sober and not make an effort to engage his friends in conversation? I mean, you're going on vacation in three DAYS time and it sounds like he offered to buy you a drink, on one hand I'm not saying everyone should drink alcohol constantly, but I am getting the mental picture that you just turned up, went and sat there quietly, didn't have a drink or try to join in, and then got pissed when he didn't want to leave. Why does a holiday in three days mean that you can't afford to waste the energy it takes to drink a beer? I don't understand.

So you said you were going to leave, and he said 'that's fine, but I'm staying with my friends' and you said 'sure' but then waited anyway, because you didn't want to walk home in the cold? So you told him you were leaving to try and influence him into leaving with you? From what he said 'he says I took him away from his friends and he was having fun' I think you should listen carefully, because he's saying that you're having a real negative impact on his enjoyment of the time he spends with his friends and that may become a problem. You said at the end 'he's more than welcome to see his friends without me' but you are upset that he doesn't put you first and leave the party early when you're not enjoying yourself? Would you prefer that he just doesn't invite you with his friends? That's a genuine question.

You don't have to go to social events with him if you just don't enjoy them, you know. I used to be in your boyfriend's position and have a boyfriend just like you, and it was incredibly draining. Sometimes he'd come out for a meal or something with me and my friends, and although they made an effort to include him if the conversation turned to in jokes he'd sit there silently looking bored not even trying to get involved, to the point that friends were pulling me to one side and asking 'what is up with him!?' and I honestly didn't know. When I'd ask him, he would say 'I'm not enjoying myself but I don't want to be a dick and ruin your evening, so I'm just sitting quietly and letting you have you fun' which is the most passive aggressive crap I've ever heard, if he wanted to not ruin my night he'd have been making an effort, I can sit for a whole evening and make copious amounts of effort to get on with pretty much anyone if I put my mind to it, and he couldn't do it for even two hours, with people who were at times making the effort to actively include him but also at times were focused on each other and laughing and having their own personal conversations. Honestly I just felt like I had to babysit him, and eventually stopped inviting him out because I would dread him pulling me to one side and telling me he was having a bad night and he was leaving, which made me wanna run after him, or him just sitting silently and everyone wondering what was up with that guy.

So your boyfriend didn't get pissy when a guy hit on you, WELL DONE for finding a decent guy, seriously what would you prefer? That he start a fight? He obviously trusts you not to cheat on him, and isn't possessive. I'd much rather a man like that than someone who acted like a caveman and as though he didn't trust me to handle myself if a man came over and started talking. Sounds to me like by that point he wasn't even into being near you anymore and just wanted to get away from you.

Maybe he's more suited to a girl who's into partying and having a good time and you'd be more suited to someone who doesn't drink or want to go see their friends in large groups or whatever, I don't know. But I know the way you're acting isn't conducive to a guy wanting to stick around indefinitely. Apologies if I seem like I'm being harsh but it really surprised me how little insight you have and you did post asking for other opinions so I think one from someone who's been in your boyfriend's position is helpful. You sound very passive aggressive and like you'd rather go and ruin his night than just gracefully say you have other plans and not go.

Thanks for the response. It's actually not often that we go out and I don't have a good time. His friends are fun and usually we have a good time. But last night I was the one talking to his friends and his friends engaged in talking to me more than he did. It's just that I left work early to go and he was excited for me to then I get there and he acts like he could care less if I am there or not. If I brought him somewhere and he said he wasn't having a good time I'd try to help him have more fun but then he just turned his head and talked to his friend.

December 4, 2014

Also to be fair I am the one who is usually always in a good mood. We planned a date for a movie a few weeks ago and I'm always so happy to see him. When I got in the car he didn't say a word and was just sulky and said it wasn't me he just had a stressful day at work and he hates his job. So I spent out date trying to cheer him up. This happens a few times a month where he gets down in the dumps and it's draining. But if that night he hung out with his friends he would be super happy. I just don't get it. So it's not just me who is a Debbie downer sometimes.. I just with he treated me equal to his friends when we go out drinking and he doesn't.

December 5, 2014

Well then he is what he is......not BF material for you.

December 5, 2014

Okay. I'm confused. How does this:

He offered me a beer but I said no, as I want to save money and my energy since we are going on vacation to Mexico in three days for a week.
Anyways, he kept repeatedly asking me dumb questions over and over to purposely annoy me if he found I was being quiet or not engaging in a conversation.

correlate with these conclusions on your part:

Then he pretty much was ignoring me for two of his friends, which is fine whatever, I found some people to talk to at the bar. Basically I said I may go home as it wasn't my scene and I was sober, and he said "ok but I am staying here with my friends. I'm leaving when they are leaving" I was like sure but waited as I didn't want to walk home in -20 weather.
Basically as usual he just wasn't concerned if I was having fun at all, and when I was meh not really he just turned to his friend and kept having a good time.

??

I don't get what else you wanted the guy to do. He invited you to join them, he offered you a drink and you declined, he tried to engage you in conversation while you sat there quietly but you considered his questions 'dumb and annoying'. Then after he stopped doing all that, you decided that he was ignoring you and that he wasn't concerned if you were having fun?

As he left a guy I didn't know came up to me and started hitting on me. My boyfriend came up, wasn't even phased at all, said "Can you pass me my jacket? My friend is ready to go so we're leaving. But you're welcome to stay!" (being genuine).

I don't even see what's wrong with this bit, unless the other guy was being excessively aggressive or bordering on assault (in which case I would have agreed that your bf should've intervened). If the other guy was just talking politely to you, your bf's reaction was appropriate and shows that he is secure in your relationship. Again I don't get what you wanted him to do; should he get all up in a frenzy when men talk to you? Should he order you to come home now?

I mean... I understand the sentiment in general. Sometimes outings with partner's friends aren't the most fun, especially if you don't know anyone else well. But you have full control here. You don't HAVE to accept his invite and take the bus there if you don't want to. You can say no!

What you DON'T have the right to do, is to accept, take the bus there, and then expect him to bend over backwards to please you just because you did that. My thoughts are that you are overreacting, and your boyfriend is probably genuinely puzzled about what went down.

Edited December 5, 2014 by Elswyth

December 6, 2014

Thanks for the response. It's actually not often that we go out and I don't have a good time. His friends are fun and usually we have a good time. But last night I was the one talking to his friends and his friends engaged in talking to me more than he did. It's just that I left work early to go and he was excited for me to then I get there and he acts like he could care less if I am there or not. If I brought him somewhere and he said he wasn't having a good time I'd try to help him have more fun but then he just turned his head and talked to his friend.

I dunno, when I'm out with my partner and his or my friends, we probably tend to speak more to the friends than each other in a way, I mean we see each other all of the time, the friends we see much more rarely so it makes sense we'd be focused on enjoying their company rather than speaking to one another when we can do that anytime! Obviously we interact a lot too but I wouldn't think anything of it if he spent most of the night speaking to his friends when he was with his friends and I happened to be there too. Otherwise, he's gonna be ignoring his friends to speak to me which sorta negates the point of going out in the first place.

Just because you left work early to go doesn't mean you're entitled for him to babysit you out with friends, and what do you mean you'd help him to have more fun? There's something a bit skewed in a relationship if you're having to 'help' each other have fun socially. You should both be able to hold your own socially or you're going to feel like you're dragging a kid out with you that you have to keep an eye on all night. I understand smoothly facilitating discussion (for example I might mention something my boyfriend and my friend are both into get them talking) but on the whole, you should be able to handle yourself. Just because you're not having a good night doesn't entitle you to act towards your boyfriend how you did.

How are things now? What happened next?

December 6, 2014

I dunno, when I'm out with my partner and his or my friends, we probably tend to speak more to the friends than each other in a way, I mean we see each other all of the time, the friends we see much more rarely so it makes sense we'd be focused on enjoying their company rather than speaking to one another when we can do that anytime! Obviously we interact a lot too but I wouldn't think anything of it if he spent most of the night speaking to his friends when he was with his friends and I happened to be there too. Otherwise, he's gonna be ignoring his friends to speak to me which sorta negates the point of going out in the first place.

Just because you left work early to go doesn't mean you're entitled for him to babysit you out with friends, and what do you mean you'd help him to have more fun? There's something a bit skewed in a relationship if you're having to 'help' each other have fun socially. You should both be able to hold your own socially or you're going to feel like you're dragging a kid out with you that you have to keep an eye on all night. I understand smoothly facilitating discussion (for example I might mention something my boyfriend and my friend are both into get them talking) but on the whole, you should be able to handle yourself. Just because you're not having a good night doesn't entitle you to act towards your boyfriend how you did.

How are things now? What happened next?

I feel the same. When I'm out with my bf and his friends, the attention is more on them - usually from both of us. We see one another all the time, so it's more time to catch up and be social with them. Both partners should be able to "hold their own" (for lack of a better term) in social activities. I'd be kind of let down/irritated if my bf was out with me and my friends and he was being needy, despite the fact we are together alone all the time.

While it may not be the case, OP, the way you described it sounds like you were leaving to try and get attention from him, if not trying to get him to leave with you. That seems a little messed up and selfish.

If this isn't always the case, and you usually have a lot of fun and are chatty, I don't see why this one time is a big deal. Sounds like you just came to the scene at a weird time and felt off. I could understand if you left work early to go on a date with him and he ended up drunk with his friends - but this just sounds like you came to be a downer and got mad that he thought you were a downer.

sorry

December 6, 2014

We had a talk about it. I wasn't mad, he wasn't mad, I was just having an off night for one night. All is well thread closed, thanks for the replies.

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