untoya Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 I have been getting mixed signals from my boyfriend. Technically we are broken up but he says he wants to work on things. The problem is that we haven't been spending any time together TO work on things. We "talk" on the phone in a loose sense of the word because we aren't really conversating. Just calling each other so as not to feel guilty about not having called. It sounds so stupid when I type it out but that's how it feels to me. This week he had some money stolen from him by his cousin/best friend and so now he's using that as a reason for us not to spend time together. He says that he's miserable right now and he's preserving our relationship by staying away from me because we'll only end up arguing. Also Friday was his birthday and we went back and forth on the phone about whether or not we'd spend time together. He couldn't make up his mind about whether to work or not. I clearly remember him saying he would be home waiting for me when I got off of work. So I go over there and he's dressed for work:( So he swears he told me that he was going to go to work but I know for a fact he did not say that. So I left very angry. He has done this to me many times before, telling me one thing and doing another. He called later that night to "patch" things up saying that I need to be patient with him. He asked did I want to go to church with him the next day so I said yes. The next day he calls and says he's not going to go because he can't find anything to wear so I told him it was best that I didn't go anyway. As it turns out, he went to church that night. AND today he and his family took his grandfather out for dinner but did he invite me? No. My self esteem is so ****ed up right now. Why doesn't he want to see me? Why doesn't he want me around? Why is he punishing me? We have a daughter together. We've been together 5 years. What is up? Does anyone smell a rat? I just can't figure him out. If I tell him that we should just go our seperate way he gets mad and says no. He won't work things out but he won't let this relationship die either. Someone please give me your insight, criticism, encouragement. I need to know that I'm not imagining things because it feels like he is not being honest with me:(
life loser Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 it sounds like he is not being honest with you, especially gievn that he has a responsibility to you and his child I think seomthing is up, but I wouldn't neceesarily say it is 'another woman', he may be having some anxiety, anger, depression, etc. issues that are alienating him from you (and possibly his family and friends as well) but I am only guessing you do need to talk to him about it, and possibly go see a counselour together (for the sake of your child
Missromantic Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 It is hard to understand men sometimes isn't I have learned from my past relationships that men in general when they are feeling down, upset or stressed they deal with these kind of negative feelings differently then us women. They need to be left alone! They want to have some time out so they can deal with their feelings before coming back to the relationship with you. He might feel really guilty that he is behaving this way so he doesn't want to say to you "look I need to be alone" because he knows you will get upset. Every man has this desire to make you feel happy and not sad! When he sees you happy he feels good about himself. If you let him be, let him deal with his negative feelings without questioning him and worrying about him, he will really appreciate you! Men don't normally share their problems with others like us women do. They don't call their friends and say "I need to talk! I am feeling sad or upset!" It is considered as being weak.. At least that's what some of my male friends, some of my boyfriends told me. And I read some books about men. It was even said that men are not very familiar with the world of emotions so they don't even know sometimes what they feel and why! So I think the best support you can give him is to say "I feel that something is bothering you lately. If you need to talk about it, I am here. I care about you." And leave him alone. He knows he can talk to you and if you leave him alone to deal with his issues he will feel trusted and accepted. He needs to feel that from you. He will not have to worry about himself and you that you are upset. If you show him your trusting attitude, he will have one less thing to worry about. You say you are broken up. Maybe he feels guilty so he is sort of trying to make things better but he seems a little unsure about things. Why did you guys break up? Was it over something really serious? Men cannot deal with upset and depressed emotions as well as women can. We are much more experienced because we talk more about our upset feelings. I think he is telling you the truth he wants to preserve your relationship so he is "avoiding" you. But don't take it wrong. Men do that! My ex-boyfriend does it. My father does it to my mum. They can't deal with relationships all the time. They hate arguing. So it seems to me that your boyfriend NEEDS his space from you! But he is actually doing it because he wants to sort himself out so you don't end up arguing! I think you might need to be patient and leave him alone. He will be back when he is ready! Try not to make him feel guilty about the way he deals with him feeling miserable. We all sometimes want our time away from our loved ones especially when we feel miserable. I mean he doesn't want any questions why and is everything ok and how can i help! He just wants to be! He may be miserable about his work.. you never know what's really bothering him but it looks like that he is down about his life in general but he is not going to share everything with you! Please don't take it personally. It's the way he is wired as a man to deal with their feelings. Let him take his space and let him just be on his own. He even asked you to be patient with him! He is feeling so guilty because he knows you are upset and so on.. So if you love him and care about him, BE PATIENT! Show him that you understand him and you are there for him but DO NOT PUSH him before he is ready! Do not argue with him! Let him pull away, let him take a distance from you! It may take a week, a couple of weeks! We don't know! But he needs this now! Take care of yourself and concentrate on you and your child while he is dealing with whatever he needs to deal with! It's just the way he is! If you let him, he will bounce back feeling loved by you more than ever! I don't think counsellor is necessary! Of course he doesn't want you to go separate ways! If he didn't want to be with you at all, he wouldn't! Don't take his distancing personally please! It's usually nothing to do with the relationship or us! It's the way they are!! Trust me! My boyfriend used be like this and it worked! Every time he felt down or stressed, he felt so guilty so I would be there with him worried about him but the more I did, the more he was pushing me away! He then told me he wants to be on his own! And once I let him, he came back feeling so grateful I let him be on his own! The sooner you let him, the sooner he should be back... Have you read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?" Why don't you get this book while he is sorting himself out so you keep occupied! You will find some really interesting things about the way men and women deal with relationships and feelings differently! Good luck! Leave him alone! He needs it! He is asking you for that! Be patient and give him space and time!! Miss romantic
untoya Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 Thanks for all of your advice:) Miss romantic, thanks for that insight! I never thought of it that way. I'm so glad I came here instead of going to him and doing or saying something stupid. I will take your advice and be patient. Thanks for taking the time out to post to me. It really does mean alot to me.
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