You've met that amazing person...

[Chemist]

And then she rejects you. You want to stay friends, but being around that person makes it impossible to find someone else. All you do is compare them and you aren't able to find someone who excites you as much. The other girls don't understand me, the history I have had and she has had makes her able to empathize with me, not pity me. I don't like needy girls and she is strong and independent, like me. We are both intellegent, she is absolutely beautiful (no so much like me, haha).

 

You really like the other person too, you want to be their friend. You both make plans to go together for Christmas since neither have parents.

 

How can I get over someone if we keep spending time together :-/ Is the only way really NC? I feel like I am being somehow self hurting, she's like an addiction that only causes me heart ache, but I can't stay away. I mean I am not chasing her or pining, being a normal friend, but my heart silently aches.

 

Our common friends, some of these Russian girls know I like her still, and some of them push me to keep trying. That they find me inspiring and sweet, and that Russian girls loved to have their hearts fought for. I am an American and try to move on after being told no. I am at a loss of what I should really do to have this amazing person in my life and still move on and get over her, or if I should give it a couple more shots based on what our common friends tell me.

[Toodaloo]

You carry on and try to remember every flaw and bad thing that there is about them. Even if you have to make up a few pretend ones in your head to put you off.

[JuneJulySeptember]

And then she rejects you. You want to stay friends, but being around that person makes it impossible to find someone else. All you do is compare them and you aren't able to find someone who excites you as much. The other girls don't understand me, the history I have had and she has had makes her able to empathize with me, not pity me. I don't like needy girls and she is strong and independent, like me. We are both intellegent, she is absolutely beautiful (no so much like me, haha).

 

You really like the other person too, you want to be their friend. You both make plans to go together for Christmas since neither have parents.

 

How can I get over someone if we keep spending time together :-/ Is the only way really NC? I feel like I am being somehow self hurting, she's like an addiction that only causes me heart ache, but I can't stay away. I mean I am not chasing her or pining, being a normal friend, but my heart silently aches.

 

Our common friends, some of these Russian girls know I like her still, and some of them push me to keep trying. That they find me inspiring and sweet, and that Russian girls loved to have their hearts fought for. I am an American and try to move on after being told no. I am at a loss of what I should really do to have this amazing person in my life and still move on and get over her, or if I should give it a couple more shots based on what our common friends tell me.

 

I would guess (and it's just a guess) that you're a guy who doesn't get a ton of attention from women.

 

And if you're in that position, you pretty much have to make all of the moves, which gets confusing because there's so many different ways to play the game.

 

Anyway, IMHO, you are playing the wrong way. Women care about looks, so getting to intimately know them and attached to them before you reveal your attraction is a bad idea because they will reject you if they know you after 20 months the same as they would after 20 minutes. There are women who care less about looks who will give you a maybe, but those women will give it to you early the same as late. So, you should always act early.

 

The other thing is the issue of chasing. I have seen it work. Personally, I wouldn't. It's a lot of heartache. What might happen is that you chase, she decides she wants to look for more, starts dating and maybe even marrying some other guys, and if that doesn't work out and you are still there, then maybe she'll decide on you.

Edited December 4, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember

[Chemist]

I would guess (and it's just a guess) that you're a guy who doesn't get a ton of attention from women.

 

And if you're in that position, you pretty much have to make all of the moves, which gets confusing because there's so many different ways to play the game.

 

Anyway, IMHO, you are playing the wrong way. Women care about looks, so getting to know intimately know them and attached to them before you reveal your attraction is a bad idea because they will reject you if they know you after 20 months the same as they would after 20 minutes. There are women who care less about looks who will give you a maybe, but those women will give it to you early the same as late. So, you should always act early.

 

The other thing is the issue of chasing. I have seen it work. Personally, I wouldn't. It's a lot of heartache. What might happen is that you chase, she decides she wants to look for more, starts dating and maybe even marrying some other guys, and if that doesn't work out and you are still there, then maybe she'll decide on you.

 

I am not a super beautiful man, but damn I have a charming peronality. My labmates call me a womanizer because I have tons of girl friends, can talk and flirt easily, but it's rare that I actuallz reaaallly like a girl. Most of the time I am not that into girls, I just flirt for the fun of it.

 

I met her at a party one night. Asked her for her number. Then asked her to dinner. She met me for dinner. She was out of the country for 2 weeks and then ina different city for two weeks to work, then back for 3 days before leaving again, in which she met me on one of those 3 days and I cooked her dinner. Then she invited me for a drink the week she got back from Prague. We went for a drink. Up to this time, I asked her to do a handful of things but she was genuinely busy and I got, from what I can tell, a good part of her free time.

 

Being confused about her feelings for me, I told her that I thought she was beautiful and that I wanted to take her on a date, so it wouldn't be ambiguous... So I mean a party, 2 dinners, and a drink before I made a stronger move. Apparently she had no idea.. heh, BS.

 

Anyway, I agree, a lot of it is physical. I am a handsome man, just chubby and I am working on that, eating healthier, running about 15km per week right now. Getting back into shape.

 

After she rejected my date, we met for a drink and she told me that she isn't into German guys and isn't seeing anyone. She is fricken super touchy too, like rubs my shoulder, my upper arm, my forearm. Always moving her hair to the other side to expose her neck.. like in the US, this girl is flirting with me. And as a chubby dude, I do pretty well in the US with girls. She told me that when a guy tells her she is beautiful, she automatically thinks that this person is trying to mess with her. (her words, not sure what she meant exactly, like just lie to get into her pants? no idea) Anyway, I will not chase, but I want to be her friend. Maybe maybe she changes her mind, especially after I drop 30 kg. Just don't get the wrong idea about me, I have huge confidence and do not let myself get zoned before giving it a shot.

 

Anyway, this isn't to try and understand her, more so to help me get over this heart ache. She is absolutely the most beautiful girl I have taken out for dinner and told I was interested in. There is this hot little italian girl here who told me that I made her jealous about how I felt about this girl, and she has become more flirty with me and **** lately. I could probably go for it, but I just can't make myself that interested in her when I have this other girl on my mind.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I am not a super beautiful man, but damn I have a charming peronality. My labmates call me a womanizer because I have tons of girl friends, can talk and flirt easily, but it's rare that I actuallz reaaallly like a girl. Most of the time I am not that into girls, I just flirt for the fun of it.

 

I met her at a party one night. Asked her for her number. Then asked her to dinner. She met me for dinner. She was out of the country for 2 weeks and then ina different city for two weeks to work, then back for 3 days before leaving again, in which she met me on one of those 3 days and I cooked her dinner. Then she invited me for a drink the week she got back from Prague. We went for a drink. Up to this time, I asked her to do a handful of things but she was genuinely busy and I got, from what I can tell, a good part of her free time.

 

Being confused about her feelings for me, I told her that I thought she was beautiful and that I wanted to take her on a date, so it wouldn't be ambiguous... So I mean a party, 2 dinners, and a drink before I made a stronger move. Apparently she had no idea.. heh, BS.

 

Anyway, I agree, a lot of it is physical. I am a handsome man, just chubby and I am working on that, eating healthier, running about 15km per week right now. Getting back into shape.

 

After she rejected my date, we met for a drink and she told me that she isn't into German guys and isn't seeing anyone. She is fricken super touchy too, like rubs my shoulder, my upper arm, my forearm. Always moving her hair to the other side to expose her neck.. like in the US, this girl is flirting with me. And as a chubby dude, I do pretty well in the US with girls. She told me that when a guy tells her she is beautiful, she automatically thinks that this person is trying to mess with her. (her words, not sure what she meant exactly, like just lie to get into her pants? no idea) Anyway, I will not chase, but I want to be her friend. Maybe maybe she changes her mind, especially after I drop 30 kg. Just don't get the wrong idea about me, I have huge confidence and do not let myself get zoned before giving it a shot.

 

Anyway, this isn't to try and understand her, more so to help me get over this heart ache. She is absolutely the most beautiful girl I have taken out for dinner and told I was interested in. There is this hot little italian girl here who told me that I made her jealous about how I felt about this girl, and she has become more flirty with me and **** lately. I could probably go for it, but I just can't make myself that interested in her when I have this other girl on my mind.

 

You can't let women hold all the cards dude. You're being a total and complete shmuck. Why do you think women like her have the luxury of stringing guys along and being ambiguous? Because you're like totally in love with her even as she's rejecting you and saying you wanna be her friend, help her move, lick her shoes, etc.

 

Go for that little Italian girl and do it immediately!

[Chemist]

I agree, I am breaking my rules. Having spent a long time in my youth being the push over, I have set rules for not being the f-zoned bitch, but man(girl whatever you are), this one has ****ed my rules all up. I don't know why. Bah, I do though, earnestly want to be her friend, she is a very interesting and good person....but you're right. I think I just need to go out and get some other and then I will move on. I do have a date tonight with a German girl... but seriously, none of them are close to how much this other girl makes my D tingle.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I agree, I am breaking my rules. Having spent a long time in my youth being the push over, I have set rules for not being the f-zoned bitch, but man(girl whatever you are), this one has ****ed my rules all up. I don't know why. Bah, I do though, earnestly want to be her friend, she is a very interesting and good person....but you're right. I think I just need to go out and get some other and then I will move on. I do have a date tonight with a German girl... but seriously, none of them are close to how much this other girl makes my D tingle.

 

I hear ya. It's happened to me multiple times too.

 

One of the reasons is because I think us more 'enlightened' guys think that the more a woman likes us as a person, the more it's 'in the bag' so to speak. At least in my thinking. And it's totally flawed thinking.

 

Of course, my life is not your life. But there are parallels.

 

Those emotions you are feeling right now, you should never allow to happen until you know she reciprocates. You cut and run before that happens. Some wise males told me that on this dating site or another. Wisest advice ever.

[Darth_Matt]

 

How can I get over someone if we keep spending time together :-/ Is the only way really NC? I feel like I am being somehow self hurting, she's like an addiction that only causes me heart ache, but I can't stay away. I mean I am not chasing her or pining, being a normal friend, but my heart silently aches.

 

You can't. You said it; " I am being self hurting. Either tell her you're crazy about her and see what happens or move on. And if she says what you don't want to hear. Then Move on! She knows how to reach you.

 

I know that feeling. Its like a drug. You know its bad for you but you can't turn away. Becuase you like that person too much.

 

In your heart you don't view her as just a "friend".

Edited December 4, 2014 by Darth_Matt

[fred123]

good luck with your date with the german! let us know how it goes

[Thegreatestthing]

You can't switch your emotions off easily so it's pointless staying friends with her

If you want a relationship in the future with someone you need to go nc otherwise your feelings for her will interfere.

 

 

 

 

And then she rejects you. You want to stay friends, but being around that person makes it impossible to find someone else. All you do is compare them and you aren't able to find someone who excites you as much. The other girls don't understand me, the history I have had and she has had makes her able to empathize with me, not pity me. I don't like needy girls and she is strong and independent, like me. We are both intellegent, she is absolutely beautiful (no so much like me, haha).

 

You really like the other person too, you want to be their friend. You both make plans to go together for Christmas since neither have parents.

 

How can I get over someone if we keep spending time together :-/ Is the only way really NC? I feel like I am being somehow self hurting, she's like an addiction that only causes me heart ache, but I can't stay away. I mean I am not chasing her or pining, being a normal friend, but my heart silently aches.

 

Our common friends, some of these Russian girls know I like her still, and some of them push me to keep trying. That they find me inspiring and sweet, and that Russian girls loved to have their hearts fought for. I am an American and try to move on after being told no. I am at a loss of what I should really do to have this amazing person in my life and still move on and get over her, or if I should give it a couple more shots based on what our common friends tell me.

[tombadtom]

since you have so many girl friends, forget about her and go for others.

if she really have something with you, she will have some emotional reaction. please observe clearly.

[Strength in Healing]

First off my man, girls and guys cannot be friends. Stop hanging with females as friends. I realize I will take heat for this statement, but I stand behind psychology.

 

Next, stop talking to this girl and find one that is as interested in you as her.

 

I know how hard it is to leave a girl you like. I broke up with one I loved because she wasn't able to put her heart into it, and I miss her every day, but it had to be done and you keep moving forward...

[ComingInHot]

Maybe it is because I am female, and an older one at that but I have NO idea what JuneJulySeptember is talking about??!?

What card holding? What upper hand? What rules?!?

 

Ya'll are terrifying me about how the male species really think... Ya'll don't really go through all this in your head so you?

Why?

 

OP, it sounds like you have a big crush on this girl. It sounds like this girl is on the fence with her attraction to you as more than a friend. But it comes across that she most certainly finds spending time with you enjoyable, so why not spend time with her AND your italian friend?

 

...who in heck says, "I'm not into German Men" by the way?.... that just doesn't sound right.

[ComingInHot]

First off my man, girls and guys cannot be friends. Stop hanging with females as friends. I realize I will take heat for this statement, but I stand behind psychology.

 

Next, stop talking to this girl and find one that is as interested in you as her.

 

I know how hard it is to leave a girl you like. I broke up with one I loved because she wasn't able to put her heart into it, and I miss her every day, but it had to be done and you keep moving forward...

 

 

Why can't they be friends agian? They don't have a history like you and your love?

I am sorry by the way and know you will feel better soon*

[Strength in Healing]

Thanks cominginhot, always nice to talk to you.

 

I feel that men and women being friends in typical situations (i.e. whereas both are heterosexual, not married) has more burden than reward. There was a study that spoke about how the burden vs reward of men and women friendships lead to being a greater burden.

 

But to put it simpler, it's a case of laws of attraction; one tends to end up having feelings for the other, at which point one of two things happen:

 

1). They hide their feelings for fear that it will "ruin the relationship", causing the friendship to be at the least tainted.

2). They will tell the other their feelings, and effectively ruin the relationship in the mass majority of circumstances.

 

 

 

Not saying there aren't exceptions. But I am not one for exceptions, I am one for probability and plausibility.

[ComingInHot]

Thanks for your explanation. It actually does make good sense to me now that I am considering it from a non married perspective

 

however... . Lately I have been the exception for a whole lot of 'rules'... but that has been kind of nice too*

CiH

[Chemist]

Maybe it is because I am female, and an older one at that but I have NO idea what JuneJulySeptember is talking about??!?

What card holding? What upper hand? What rules?!?

 

Ya'll are terrifying me about how the male species really think... Ya'll don't really go through all this in your head so you?

Why?

 

OP, it sounds like you have a big crush on this girl. It sounds like this girl is on the fence with her attraction to you as more than a friend. But it comes across that she most certainly finds spending time with you enjoyable, so why not spend time with her AND your italian friend?

 

...who in heck says, "I'm not into German Men" by the way?.... that just doesn't sound right.

 

Rules about having a girl friend who has rejected you and then complains to you about not finding good men. I do not do that. It is down right insulting. Also, going out of your way too much for them. I don't do that. I treat them as a normal friend. Sometimes, girls in my past who have rejected me would also come flirt with me when I was talking to another girl. This was back in the college days, I'm now post PhD so this **** doesn't happen anymore.

 

However, usually when a girl rejects me, my rule is to take a couple months to forget about them. This is the rule I am breaking for her.

 

I do think she is on the fence, I mean all the touching. The first time I took her to dinner, she let me pay which is something most girls do not, from my experience, if they are not somewhat interested. Also, giving me some priorty in her precious time (she is a masters student, works a job, and heads an organization to aid those affected by the Donetsk rebellion in Ukraine). I mean three days in one month in our city and I got one of them, made me feel good. She considered a trip to Amsterdam with me but had her things stolen in Spain right before coming back to Germany and couldn't go (passport/money issues and sorting out other things like keys for her flat). Also we live in Germany and she was saying that she likes men who are straight forward and confident (*thumbs at me* this guy) and that German men are a bit more passive as most girls have to make the first move here, and she finds that unattractive. So she is like telling me all the things to lead me on, like JuneJulySept said, so I can appreciate his point of view quite a bit. The second "date" we had, where I cooked her dinner and we drank 2 bottles of wine, she was super busy up to that day, three of my proposals she was too busy for, and I just keep going until a girl says explicitly, no... I'm busy is a horse ****, nut up women. Anyway, she was over and says to me that she was once interested in a guy, but he asked her out three times and she was always busy but then he just quit asking. So it was like a sign for me to keep trying, I thought. Anyway, I can see this. When we walk, she is always like bumping into me and sort of walking in my 'nook'. Like, I could and have thought about just wrapping my arm around her waste while walking when she is doing this. Just to give it a test. TL;DR that paragraph: I think you're right about her being on the fence.

 

I am actively seeing other girls. This german girl stayed the night last night, but was very physically reserved. Cuddles, rubs, a couple kisses, but she didn't want any more. She asked if I was okay with that, for sure I am! Anyway, I just don't have that same feeling for her, so I feel like I am leading her on. I don't know, I'll see. The Italian is a girl I will pursue as well, she is very attractive but lacks confidence and is reallllly small, so I don't know if she is into me or not.. I mean, I am 5'11", 250, and she is like 5' 100 lbs. I mean I am a beast next to her, funny ****. Maybe she likes that, she has made some mention to how strong I am. Though she is real touchy, and last time we went out I was putting my hands on her legs and things and she didn't pull away ever, and touches me back. I will go out with her tonight for some glühwein and the weihnnachtmarkt. For you non germans, that is some heated spiced wine in a very romantic city center with lights and a small festival Maybe with some time and enough other girls in my life, I will get over her. I am suppose to drop some E with another Russian in a few weeks too that is super attractive Maybe things go well with her too. I am a sucker for these eastern Europeans I think.

 

SinH, you sound like Harry, bro. (I am sure everyone who has wondered about this opposite sex friendship knows the famous lines) While I agree to some extent, most girls I am just friends with, I would certainly **** given the opportunity, so there is merit in your POV... In fact, sometimes, these girls have come back for me. I made a mistake about two years ago (some of you might call it making the right choice) when a girl I had a huge crush on in college, denied me, and then visited me about three years later when she was back in the US from Korea (she was teaching English there) and we fooled around because her and her BF at the time had an OR policy when they were on opposite continents. Then, 4 years later, I visited her when I had a gf, and we made out (wasn't expecting her to kiss me), but I stopped it before things went further. I mean I still was a dick, but I could have been a bigger *******. When I dropped her off the next day, she told me if I was ever single to hit her up. And well, now she has a bf. We are never single at the same time. But we are "friends" right?

 

I just have not had problems staying friends with some girls, so I know it is possible. In fact, when we both have partners, we will all hang out and have a great time, and when we are both single, we will talk openly about interests and dating. And still hang out and have a great time!

 

Thanks everyone for listening and for your input!

[Darth_Matt]

Thanks cominginhot, always nice to talk to you.

 

I feel that men and women being friends in typical situations (i.e. whereas both are heterosexual, not married) has more burden than reward. There was a study that spoke about how the burden vs reward of men and women friendships lead to being a greater burden.

 

But to put it simpler, it's a case of laws of attraction; one tends to end up having feelings for the other, at which point one of two things happen:

 

1). They hide their feelings for fear that it will "ruin the relationship", causing the friendship to be at the least tainted.

2). They will tell the other their feelings, and effectively ruin the relationship in the mass majority of circumstances.

 

Not saying there aren't exceptions. But I am not one for exceptions, I am one for probability and plausibility.

 

That is the dumbest thing I've ever read in my life. How old are you? "Study?" Yea, right. Is it based on immature men that think with their penises? Was this study done on the radio for entertainment purposes. Adults can be friends with other adults not matter what sex they are. Sorry, that statement is ignorant and very arrogant. No one wounder females think men are immature. I guess it depends on what your definition of a friend is. You have a very low thought process of females if you true believe that. And if you do believe that. Then what are females to you?

 

My oldest and closest friend is a female. I've known her for over 25 years.

 

Also, I keep reading everywhere about "rules". There are no rules. Only common sense. Love is simple. Its people's thinking that makes everything complicated.

Edited December 5, 2014 by Darth_Matt

[Chemist]

That is the dumbest thing I've ever read in my life. How old are you? "Study?" Yea, right. Is it based on immature men that think with their penises? Was this study done on the radio for entertainment purposes. Adults can be friends with other adults not matter what sex they are. Sorry, that statement is ignorant and very arrogant. No one wounder females think men are immature. I guess it depends on what your definition of a friend is. You have a very low thought process of females if you true believe that. And if you do believe that. Then what are females to you?

 

My oldest and closest friend is a female. I've known her for over 25 years.

 

Also, I keep reading everywhere about "rules". There are no rules. Only common sense. Love is simple. Its people's thinking that makes everything complicated.

 

There are rules. You set rules for yourself to protect your emotions.

Love is simple, emotions are not.

[Darth_Matt]

There are rules. You set rules for yourself to protect your emotions.

Love is simple, emotions are not.

 

Good point my friend. Good point.