is it a good idea to know who your partner has been cheating with?

[68kma]

Hi,

 

Simple question (might not be a simple answer).

 

My partner has been cheating, one night stand, its not so long time ago she told me. We are trying to get things working, and I really have accepted what happened. Still I cant stop thinking about this other guy - I really like to know who he is, just to put a picture on him (not that I have in mind to confront him or anything). I know he is a friend of my partners friend.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Frank2thepoint]

You are accepting what has happened? Do you have any self-respect? You have bigger problems than the woman in your life cheating on you.

[PegNosePete]

Yes, find out who it was, so you can check there's no future contact between them.

[68kma]

Yes, find out who it was, so you can check there's no future contact between them.

 

Thank you for your reply. I really thing it would help me to know who he is, so that I can be more sure about they are not in contact.

[JK79]

Thank you for your reply. I really thing it would help me to know who he is, so that I can be more sure about they are not in contact.

 

There is nothing wrong in working through problems - everyone makes mistakes and so one strike and your out might not be correct. From what you say she told you which is something - rather than you discovering it.

 

However, if you need to know you should ask her. If she won't tell you then she is probably protecting someone and if protecting someone else is more important than your feelings - you have a very important answer.

[68kma]

There is nothing wrong in working through problems - everyone makes mistakes and so one strike and your out might not be correct. From what you say she told you which is something - rather than you discovering it.

Excatly! She was devastated when she told me - not that it justify what had happened, but it shows me that she knows she messed up and that she regrets it.

 

However, if you need to know you should ask her. If she won't tell you then she is probably protecting someone and if protecting someone else is more important than your feelings - you have a very important answer.

That is actually a really good point, thanks.

[newmoon]

Thank you for your reply. I really thing it would help me to know who he is, so that I can be more sure about they are not in contact.

 

c'mon, you want to know who it is so you can google him, facebook stalk him, compare your muscles to his, your hairline to his, your job and status to his, etc. it does you no favors to know the name or identity of the person, especially when you see he may be way hotter than you. your relationship will not survive this anyway so why bother torturing yourself.

[68kma]

c'mon, you want to know who it is so you can google him, facebook stalk him, compare your muscles to his, your hairline to his, your job and status to his, etc. it does you no favors to know the name or identity of the person, especially when you see he may be way hotter than you. your relationship will not survive this anyway so why bother torturing yourself.

 

Of course I will check him out.

 

My second concern is if this will ever end? - if I Her a face on him, then what? All I know is that I really need to know it and that we have to talk about it over and over. If we dont talk I dont think that helps either. I have to take action on this and see what it brings.

[JK79]

Of course I will check him out.

 

My second concern is if this will ever end? - if I Her a face on him, then what? All I know is that I really need to know it and that we have to talk about it over and over. If we dont talk I dont think that helps either. I have to take action on this and see what it brings.

 

A break in trust is like an open sore. Unless you put all your questions to bed you will keep scratching it and it will never go away. Just remember you never asked for this - she created it. It is for her to put you at ease. If she is sorry she will do what it takes (regardless of how that may effect others - maybe the other bloke has a girlfriend/wife) and tell you everything you need. If she will not tell you everything then she is not sorry, doesn't respect you and not making your feelings number one priority. Just remeber that her telling you she did this can still be a selfish action - more designed to satisfy her guilt than respect you.

 

If you let this relationship continue without getting all the answers you need then you are on a one way ticket to painsville and repeatown.

[Molly Hooper]

Of course I will check him out.

 

My second concern is if this will ever end? - if I Her a face on him, then what? All I know is that I really need to know it and that we have to talk about it over and over. If we dont talk I dont think that helps either. I have to take action on this and see what it brings.

 

It's difficult to say. If my partner cheated and there was some reason that I decided to stay in the relationship and try to work it out, I would need to know EVERYTHING. And there is no reason you aren't entitled to any of that information.

 

However - in the end, it may not help you any. You may find that you can't get past it. But if you think that this may help you in some way, there is no reason not to try it.

[cif]

How can you choose to reconcile with her if you don't have all the details?

[68kma]

A break in trust is like an open sore. Unless you put all your questions to bed you will keep scratching it and it will never go away. Just remember you never asked for this - she created it. It is for her to put you at ease. If she is sorry she will do what it takes (regardless of how that may effect others - maybe the other bloke has a girlfriend/wife) and tell you everything you need. If she will not tell you everything then she is not sorry, doesn't respect you and not making your feelings number one priority. Just remeber that her telling you she did this can still be a selfish action - more designed to satisfy her guilt than respect you.

Actually we discussed this when we started dating, and I always said to her I wanted to know the truth if anything happened, no matter of how much it would hurt. I think it's the best for her (and me) that she told it.

 

If you let this relationship continue without getting all the answers you need then you are on a one way ticket to painsville and repeatown.

We talked this morning, and I got answers to my questions. I don't know if I'll get more questions in time - right now I feel okay actually. It's not helping to think of what have happened, I can't change that anyway. What I can change is the way I/we want your relationship to continue in the future and that's what I'm focusing on. But as I told, more questions might pop up, but for now I've got all the answers I needed. She told me about it like 4 weeks ago, a few days after it happened - so it's still kind of new all this.

 

Thanks for your replies

[68kma]

It's difficult to say. If my partner cheated and there was some reason that I decided to stay in the relationship and try to work it out, I would need to know EVERYTHING. And there is no reason you aren't entitled to any of that information.

Excatly, I need to know EVERYTHING on my mind, I have to ask her about my thoughts. It most fair to her, me and us, that we clean the table! But it's not easy to find all the questions at one time - they pop up in my thoughts and then I have to ask her. If she doesn't want to answer or getting tired of my questions, then she is not willing to put the same amount of work into the relationship that I am. At the moment we are handling it really good I would say.

 

However - in the end, it may not help you any. You may find that you can't get past it. But if you think that this may help you in some way, there is no reason not to try it.

Sure, if thoughts keep popping up in my mind and make my days terrible, then it's time to end it.

 

Time heals all wounds they say...no it doesn't..action does! So we have to put some action/work to make it work, and not just let time run and see what happens. At least that's my approach.

[68kma]

How can you choose to reconcile with her if you don't have all the details?

 

I got the details I need (for now). When I need answers I ask her. It might take some time to get all the answers (maybe I got all the answers I need?), but for now at this very moment, I don't have any answers.

[Poppygoodwill]

I think this is a case of 'careful what you wish for'. Details stick in our minds and haunt us. I would want to know generally what happened, but I wouldn't want the gory details. I have a very vivid imagination and I would torture myself, and probably my partner, if I knew too much about what happened.

[68kma]

I think this is a case of 'careful what you wish for'. Details stick in our minds and haunt us. I would want to know generally what happened, but I wouldn't want the gory details. I have a very vivid imagination and I would torture myself, and probably my partner, if I knew too much about what happened.

 

Things that have been done can't be undone. So I don't think it is the best practice to dig into these kind of details either - and that's not really the issue whether they did this or that, or how.

[Diezel]

You accepted what has happened?

 

Hey buddy, accept that it's going to happen again, while you're at it.

Feel free to ask, just in case it was a friend of yours or a relative.

[68kma]

You accepted what has happened?

Yes, I've accepted what have happened, but I'm not over it.

 

Hey buddy, accept that it's going to happen again, while you're at it.

Sure, it can happen again, but I'm willing to take that change. One fault shouldn't ruin what we have (had) - VERY logical thinking.

 

Feel free to ask, just in case it was a friend of yours or a relative.

You mean I should only ask if its a friend or relative? - I don't think I get your point here. But the other person was i friend to my partners friend friend..so it's in a 4th connection: me -> my partner -> my partner's friend -> friend to my partner's friend -> friend to my partner's friend friend.

[KatZee]

Thank you for your reply. I really thing it would help me to know who he is, so that I can be more sure about they are not in contact.

 

You're going from a boyfriend to a babysitter.

 

There's absolutely no reason valid enough for you to remain with this piece of trash.

[68kma]

You're going from a boyfriend to a babysitter.

Really? Why do you think that?

 

There's absolutely no reason valid enough for you to remain with this piece of trash.

For the same reason there's absolutely no reason valid enough for you to bring such a statement?

[KatZee]

Really? Why do you think that?

 

 

For the same reason there's absolutely no reason valid enough for you to bring such a statement?

 

Are you really this naive?

 

Now you're always going to be watching who she's talking to. Where she's going. Who she's going with. When she gets there. When she leaves.

 

And oh no. There is enough of a reason. Cheaters are trash.

 

Do you really think someone who cheats on you is someone who respects you? Cherishes you?

 

Wow. She confessed. Lets give the girl a prize.

 

Do you know WHY she confessed? To ease HER OWN GUILT. It was completely self-motivated. It had nothing to do with loving you, caring for you, feeling bad for you.

 

She cheated, and she felt like crap, so she had to confess. Do you see how many "she's" exist in this statement?

 

If she, as the cheater, knew what she did was a complete mistake, and knew she would never, ever, ever cheat again... the kindest thing to do FOR YOU, would be to say nothing. She should have taken responsibility for her actions, and dealt with the subsequent emotions on her own.

 

INSTEAD, she confesses, which to you looks like some sort of noble move (it's not), she ruins you, hurts you, ruins the relationship, ruins the trust...

and at the end of the day, she still gets to keep you, go to sleep at night knowing you forgive her and want to still be with her, and she can lay her head down at night guilt free.

 

Meanwhile, look at you. Do you really love where you're at right now? I'm going to say no.

 

I stayed with a cheater ONCE. I regret it 1,000% and I would never give a cheater a second chance again. I don't care if they confess, I don't care if they cry, I don't care if they claim it was a "mistake," (it's NOT it's a CHOICE), I don't care what they do. They will be tossed out of my life so fast their head will spin.

 

I don't have sympathy, empathy, or even a speck of care for the cheaters of this world. They are liars, cowards, insecure, selfish, self-motivating, impulsive, and lack morals. I can't think of one positive adjective to describe cheaters.

 

I can almost guarantee you'll wind up in this situation again. She's had no consequence. She cheats, gets away with it, still has you. Most cheaters go on to do it again, a very small number never cheat again.

 

But you want to take that chance, so do whatever blows your hair back. Just don't be shocked if/when it happens again.

[Woggle]

Are you really this naive?

 

Now you're always going to be watching who she's talking to. Where she's going. Who she's going with. When she gets there. When she leaves.

 

And oh no. There is enough of a reason. Cheaters are trash.

 

Do you really think someone who cheats on you is someone who respects you? Cherishes you?

 

Wow. She confessed. Lets give the girl a prize.

 

Do you know WHY she confessed? To ease HER OWN GUILT. It was completely self-motivated. It had nothing to do with loving you, caring for you, feeling bad for you.

 

She cheated, and she felt like crap, so she had to confess. Do you see how many "she's" exist in this statement?

 

If she, as the cheater, knew what she did was a complete mistake, and knew she would never, ever, ever cheat again... the kindest thing to do FOR YOU, would be to say nothing. She should have taken responsibility for her actions, and dealt with the subsequent emotions on her own.

 

INSTEAD, she confesses, which to you looks like some sort of noble move (it's not), she ruins you, hurts you, ruins the relationship, ruins the trust...

and at the end of the day, she still gets to keep you, go to sleep at night knowing you forgive her and want to still be with her, and she can lay her head down at night guilt free.

 

Meanwhile, look at you. Do you really love where you're at right now? I'm going to say no.

 

I stayed with a cheater ONCE. I regret it 1,000% and I would never give a cheater a second chance again. I don't care if they confess, I don't care if they cry, I don't care if they claim it was a "mistake," (it's NOT it's a CHOICE), I don't care what they do. They will be tossed out of my life so fast their head will spin.

 

I don't have sympathy, empathy, or even a speck of care for the cheaters of this world. They are liars, cowards, insecure, selfish, self-motivating, impulsive, and lack morals. I can't think of one positive adjective to describe cheaters.

 

I can almost guarantee you'll wind up in this situation again. She's had no consequence. She cheats, gets away with it, still has you. Most cheaters go on to do it again, a very small number never cheat again.

 

But you want to take that chance, so do whatever blows your hair back. Just don't be shocked if/when it happens again.

 

I feel like jumping out of my seat and yelling testify!