Question for the Men -- Why isn't he . . .?

[sm2281]

What did he mean by -- when we were talking about moving in -- "but my stuff is MY stuff."

 

Why doesn't he try to "woo" me like at the beginning of a normal relationship.

 

Why do I have to pay for most of everything. Hospitality is one thing, but I am a single parent on a tight budget -- no help. He doesnt bring groceries when we cook and I pay most of the time when we get take out. He rarely offers.

 

I don't understand -- I feel like I am putting alot more in than he is. In all senses. Emotionally, Financially, Everything.

 

He never initates anything. Unless it's something so completely out of reach that he knows is unattainable considering my situation. Hey, lets go party for the weekend with my friends. Hello I can't just up and leave my kid for the entire weekend with less than a days notice.

 

Why do I have to tell him exactly what I want to do and when to do it, and he just never asks me to do anything at all. Ever. We have had 5 public dates in 6 months. 5. The rest have been at home, and I met his family for thanksgiving. I dont know what the deal is.

 

What do I do, and what am I doing wrong?

Edited December 4, 2014 by sm2281

[bachdude]

What did he mean by -- when we were talking about moving in -- "but my stuff is MY stuff."

 

Why doesn't he try to "woo" me like at the beginning of a normal relationship.

 

Why do I have to pay for most of everything. Hospitality is one thing, but I am a single parent on a tight budget -- no help. He doesnt bring groceries when we cook and I pay most of the time when we get take out. He rarely offers.

 

I don't understand -- I feel like I am putting alot more in than he is.

 

What do I do, and what am I doing wrong?

 

This is blunt but from what you describe, he sounds pretty selfish.

 

If he moves in you'll be a single parent with one more child to take care of.

 

The "but my stuff is MY stuff" comment sounds like a teenager.

 

When I've been in a relationship with a woman I have a lot of feelings for I try to make her feel special. I like to surprise her, be romantic, pay attention to what she likes, while also being a strength for her to lean on.

 

Do you not think you deserve this from a man?

[sm2281]

This is blunt but from what you describe, he sounds pretty selfish.

 

If he moves in you'll be a single parent with one more child to take care of.

 

The "but my stuff is MY stuff" comment sounds like a teenager.

 

When I've been in a relationship with a woman I have a lot of feelings for I try to make her feel special. I like to surprise her, be romantic, pay attention to what she likes, while also being a strength for her to lean on.

 

Do you not think you deserve this from a man?

 

He is selfish. I keep telling myself that all the time. . . ugh.

 

I do think I deserve to be made to feel special and he just doesnt.

 

Other than the lack of "dating" he is a pretty great guy. I am falling in love with him. But he just isn't great at this whole dating part.

[sm2281]

this is why I ask?

 

I dunno what to do about it?

 

I am pulling back, because I am an awesome girlfriend. I think thats what I am going to do... but idk. I dont want to move in with someone who can't run it with me.

 

[TigerLilly78]

He is selfish. I keep telling myself that all the time. . . ugh.

 

I do think I deserve to be made to feel special and he just doesnt.

 

Other than the lack of "dating" he is a pretty great guy. I am falling in love with him. But he just isn't great at this whole dating part.

 

Dating is just a prequel to a relashionship if hes not really carrying his end in the dating department then he wont in a committed relashionship so do you want to carry this man for ever? is that fair to your kids? having to maybe at times give them less because you have to cover him? it wont change hes not a great guy hes a selfish one there is a difference when you meet a truly great guy you will not have these concerns..

[sm2281]

I keep giving it more time.

 

My kid will always be first. . . .I just spent a crap load on everyone's christmas. Worried he is going to give me some crap.

 

He says and lives by -- Money doesn't matter -- but I had to explain to him that if I spent (hypothetical) $800 on his christmas and he only spent $200 - well someone is going to feel pretty ****ty.

 

Yea?

 

I dunno.

Maybe yall are right and he isn't right for me. Maybe he is just selfish and he's not just holding back.

[TigerLilly78]

I keep giving it more time.

 

My kid will always be first. . . .I just spent a crap load on everyone's christmas. Worried he is going to give me some crap.

 

He says and lives by -- Money doesn't matter -- but I had to explain to him that if I spent (hypothetical) $800 on his christmas and he only spent $200 - well someone is going to feel pretty ****ty.

 

Yea?

 

I dunno.

Maybe yall are right and he isn't right for me. Maybe he is just selfish and he's not just holding back.

 

Holey hell 800 will you adopt me?..lmao jk.. here is an Idea I just gave my Bf his xmas gift tonight a new cell phone I spent 130 on it. I gave it to him early cause well he needed one his was falling apart. And plus since he now knows what I got him it sets the bar on how much roughly were to spend on xmas (he kept asking me what I wanted) I mean honestly I don't care if he gets something much cheaper but its a way of setting a baseline I guess you could say..

 

As its our 1st xmas together I will have other things for him under the tree some random small things clothing and such but that was his big gift..is there anything your BF can use that you could get him early like this? with new relationships some times its hard to know the expectations of the other on such occasions..

 

To some like myself it honestly doesn't matter its more the thought but then again when you take the time to get something you know they will like or need and they give you back a pack of gum I could see were it would be upsetting..

 

So my advice is try to set a realistic doable baseline for your gift giving and if he Elcheapos out as I fear he will then you can decide from there again if you want to carry this man any further..honestly if you spent heaps on him I would return some of it as things really don't sound to good op..im sorry not trying to be a downer just realistic..

[sm2281]

The $800 was hypothetical.

 

Christmas was roughly $300 and his birthday falls in december as well.

 

It's honestly not the $ - - I just feel like it should be reciprocated. In some way.

 

In order to "make" this happen I asked him about doing an advent calander.

 

So we have been trading gifts for december. Mine, have been better and pricer. Thus far. But like I said his bday is in december as well, so I am accounting for that too.

 

I can be a bit spoiled at times. . .i admit that. But isn't setting the stage for romance about spoiling eachother a bit? I think it is.

 

I have spent hundreds extra in grocery money, ciggarettes, ongoing e-juice for the nicvape I got him. . . . .it's alot. He either has absolutely no clue that things cost or he just doesnt care.

 

and it's not ALL about the money. as stated above.

[sm2281]

I feel like after the holiday, i should just pull back and stop. Or, break up. I dunno what the best thing to do is.

 

Stop buying the ejuice.

Stop waiting around for him to ask me out anywhere.

(did i mention we had a movie date and he made a big huge scene about the price of movie tickets?)

Stop letting him stay over all weekend and feeding him.

(because I would be eating sammiches and ramen instead of cooking hearty man meals if it were just me.)

and then see where it goes?

 

What do you think?

 

I havent yet decided if he is just really cheap and bad at being thoughtful or if he is selfish and wanting a mooch

Edited December 4, 2014 by sm2281

[TigerLilly78]

The $800 was hypothetical.

 

Christmas was roughly $300 and his birthday falls in december as well.

 

It's honestly not the $ - - I just feel like it should be reciprocated. In some way.

 

In order to "make" this happen I asked him about doing an advent calander.

 

So we have been trading gifts for december. Mine, have been better and pricer. Thus far. But like I said his bday is in december as well, so I am accounting for that too.

 

I can be a bit spoiled at times. . .i admit that. But isn't setting the stage for romance about spoiling eachother a bit? I think it is.

 

I have spent hundreds extra in grocery money, ciggarettes, ongoing e-juice for the nicvape I got him. . . . .it's alot. He either has absolutely no clue that things cost or he just doesnt care.

 

and it's not ALL about the money. as stated above.

 

 

Oh I know as I was saying like with myself its more the effort they put into it that matters good idea with the calendar kinda along what I was trying to say..and yes ur right the cost of living above even paying bills IE food and such is astronomical these days.

 

If mine wasent working with me and pulling his weight fully I pretty much couldent do it for both of us..working together life has become so much easier and enjoyable thats the kind of man you deserve OP one who lifts you up not dragges you down..they are out there trust me..

[sm2281]

so you dont think that he is "the one" if I am having these issues?

 

*sigh*

 

dating is so effing awkward sometimes.

 

if this doesnt work out i swear i am giving up for a while and just going to be single for a whole year. see how that goes.

 

 

***Oh i know they are out there hunny! I have had a few try to move in and try to mooch, quit their jobs and played on my heart strings then wanted to move in and I can't afford that. It's alot.

[TigerLilly78]

so you dont think that he is "the one" if I am having these issues?

 

*sigh*

 

dating is so effing awkward sometimes.

 

if this doesnt work out i swear i am giving up for a while and just going to be single for a whole year. see how that goes.

 

 

***Oh i know they are out there hunny! I have had a few try to move in and try to mooch, quit their jobs and played on my heart strings then wanted to move in and I can't afford that. It's alot.

 

The thing that concerns me is not at least supporting himself and contributing his half to things. I would try to speak to him and give him an ultimatum that he has so much time to change his ways and that you cant afford to be the wallet for everyone in the relashionship then if he doesn't change then yeah hes not the one..Edit to add yes I would also start cutting back on the luxuries you give him and see how he reacts if hes nasty or doesn't get the idea then dump his ass..

[guest569]

"My stuff is my stuff" ok then buy it yourself!

[TigerLilly78]

What did he mean by -- when we were talking about moving in -- "but my stuff is MY stuff."

 

Ouch I just saw this I must be more tired then I realize tonight this is really not a good sigh OP..when your living with a bf gf its usually "our stuff" for the most part as both contribute to make the home..

[sm2281]

you know that is what I was thinking too.

 

I just dont know how to feel because he talks big talk.

 

But then he says things like that and it puts me on the defense.

 

I want to make the right decision.

 

I have a kid and a future I want to keep.

 

 

*he's also a ladies man and while I support friendships his lady friends still harp on his shoulder in the middle of the night. Not my problem.

[BikerAccnt]

He's not wooing you because he doesn't have to nor want to, you've made it to easy for him not too. Woo'ing is in my nature, for many guys it's not, and if you make it easy for them not to, they just won't. You are doing everything for him now, so I say he see's no point.

 

I would not move in with this guy. He does sound, self centered, if not selfish. It doesn't sound as if he has you, or your children's best interests at heart. And really, that's who's interests should be foremost in his mind if he's considering starting a live with you.

 

Has he ever done anything with you and the kids? With the Kids alone? How is he with them? Has he ever bought them anything? I ask because, when you share your life with him, you're also sharing your children's life with him. You and he need to consider that.

 

I am dating a single mother on a very tight budget, much tighter than yours from the sound of it. She has problems covering basic bills sometimes. I don't care, I've fallen hard for her. I pay whenever we go out, no matter what. If I can't afford to take her out a given week, we don't go out. Last night, I bought her the week's groceries she needs because I know how tight she is and she has a tuition payment coming up for her daughter.

 

For Christmas, I told her not to get me anything, she refused and said she is. I told no that shes should take what she plans on spending on me, and spend it instead for her new grandchild (her son's). I told her that way, we know I'm getting her grandchild the right gift.!

 

I only mention that because, in my opinion, that's the order things should be, not the reverse as is your situation. You have the kids and the bills, not him. Now, unless you are a millionaire or something, he should be at the least, splitting things with you.

 

There's no excuse for the non public dates though. He's just being cheap, and boring!

 

I'd give this some serious thought. You've got a lot more than just how he treats you to consider.

[Lokin4AReason]

when your in a relationship, you have to try to break that habit of calling it mine .... once the relationship gets a little more involved, it has to be OUR stuff . its hurtful at when they say its mine mine mine and not willing to see that its ours IMO

[elaine567]

 

I havent yet decided if he is just really cheap and bad at being thoughtful or if he is selfish and wanting a mooch

 

Neither are good qualities.

As you have a child also to look after, I would kick him into touch, the last thing you need is to be also supporting a grown man.

 

*he's also a ladies man and while I support friendships his lady friends still harp on his shoulder in the middle of the night. Not my problem

 

He is playing you for a fool, kick him out.

[Frank2thepoint]

So we have been trading gifts for december. Mine, have been better and pricer. Thus far. But like I said his bday is in december as well, so I am accounting for that too.

 

I can be a bit spoiled at times. . .i admit that. But isn't setting the stage for romance about spoiling eachother a bit? I think it is.

 

This is a cringing remark. Sounds like you expect to be spoiled and want a competition of monetary expenditure.

 

 

I feel like after the holiday, i should just pull back and stop. Or, break up. I dunno what the best thing to do is.

 

Why would you wait until after the holidays to take action? Why delay it?

 

 

I just dont know how to feel because he talks big talk.

 

Really? You're an adult, with a child, a job, and you can't figure out how you feel about him? You are frustrated with his lack of effort, you are frustrated with his lack of monetary expenditure on you, so overall you feel neglected and taken for granted, yet you still can't figure out how you feel?

 

At this point I think you are afraid of being single, so you are holding onto this guy, regardless if he doesn't treat you well. Your comment about staying single for a year supports my argument, because being single for a year is not a long time. My suggestion is put your big girl pants on, talk to him to get his act together, if he doesn't, then dump him, and move on.

[GoBlue]

Red flags are things that stick out like a sore thumb screaming, "Whoa, better slow down and take a real hard look at this relationship!" If you aren't living together now, do you think things would be better if you did? If a man isn't loving and kind and sweet at the beginning of a relationship, do you think he will suddenly change the longer you are together? Are you intimately involved with him? If so, do you think that is a wise choice? You are writing on a forum like this for a reason. What do your friends and family say about this situation? I know what I'd say if you were my sister or daughter!

[d0nnivain]

What do I do, and what am I doing wrong?

 

You are putting up with it.

 

The guy sounds selfish. You can't move in with him. He's too hung up on stuff. What will happen if your child damages something of his?

 

You two also have different & incompatible views on money. Money is the # 1 thing that breaks up couples. If you feel like you are giving & giving but feel disappointed by what you receive this pattern will continue to erode your relationship.

[FitChick]

He's hinting that he'll buy you a car but is such a cheapskate he won't take you out? Talk is cheap. Ignore what he says, not what he does.

 

The fact that your driving license is missing is worrying. I hope he isn't selling your identity to someone or using it for fraud to get something. Maybe one of his female friends had her license taken away and needed it.

 

The fact that you keep attracting leeches should tell you that you act like a doormat so men wipe their feet on you. Start pulling back, being less generous and I"ll bet he disappears in a cloud of smoke. And why do you let him smoke around your kid?

[sm2281]

He's not wooing you because he doesn't have to nor want to, you've made it to easy for him not too. Woo'ing is in my nature, for many guys it's not, and if you make it easy for them not to, they just won't. You are doing everything for him now, so I say he see's no point.

 

I would not move in with this guy. He does sound, self centered, if not selfish. It doesn't sound as if he has you, or your children's best interests at heart. And really, that's who's interests should be foremost in his mind if he's considering starting a live with you.

 

Has he ever done anything with you and the kids? With the Kids alone? How is he with them? Has he ever bought them anything? I ask because, when you share your life with him, you're also sharing your children's life with him. You and he need to consider that.

 

 

I am dating a single mother on a very tight budget, much tighter than yours from the sound of it. She has problems covering basic bills sometimes. I don't care, I've fallen hard for her. I pay whenever we go out, no matter what. If I can't afford to take her out a given week, we don't go out. Last night, I bought her the week's groceries she needs because I know how tight she is and she has a tuition payment coming up for her daughter.

 

For Christmas, I told her not to get me anything, she refused and said she is. I told no that shes should take what she plans on spending on me, and spend it instead for her new grandchild (her son's). I told her that way, we know I'm getting her grandchild the right gift.!

 

I only mention that because, in my opinion, that's the order things should be, not the reverse as is your situation. You have the kids and the bills, not him. Now, unless you are a millionaire or something, he should be at the least, splitting things with you.

 

There's no excuse for the non public dates though. He's just being cheap, and boring!

 

I'd give this some serious thought. You've got a lot more than just how he treats you to consider.

 

I do not allow too much closeness. We have been on some dates with my son. But again, I paid. He is warming up to the idea. He interacts with him a bit, but I discourage too much interaction at budding relationships as I have stated to him "My heart is on the line, and unless things are very serious, my son's heart and well being will not be included." I discourage too much interaction at the beginning. When I warm up and decide if he is a keeper, then he will be better suited to interact more. I understand that there is a bit of interaction that has to go on now. He does treat my kid with respect, and if he didn't he would be out.

[sm2281]

Red flags are things that stick out like a sore thumb screaming, "Whoa, better slow down and take a real hard look at this relationship!" If you aren't living together now, do you think things would be better if you did? If a man isn't loving and kind and sweet at the beginning of a relationship, do you think he will suddenly change the longer you are together? Are you intimately involved with him? If so, do you think that is a wise choice? You are writing on a forum like this for a reason. What do your friends and family say about this situation? I know what I'd say if you were my sister or daughter!

 

I am writing here because I have crappy flaky friends, all my good friends are back home, and we have lost touch, as I had to move out of state after my divorce. My ex drug my name through the mud with lies about cheating and everyone believed him. Find out who your friends are in crisis.

[sm2281]

This is a cringing remark. Sounds like you expect to be spoiled and want a competition of monetary expenditure.

 

 

 

Why would you wait until after the holidays to take action? Why delay it?

 

 

 

 

Really? You're an adult, with a child, a job, and you can't figure out how you feel about him?

 

 

You are frustrated with his lack of effort, you are frustrated with his lack of monetary expenditure on you, so overall you feel neglected and taken for granted, yet you still can't figure out how you feel?

 

At this point I think you are afraid of being single, so you are holding onto this guy, regardless if he doesn't treat you well. Your comment about staying single for a year supports my argument, because being single for a year is not a long time. My suggestion is put your big girl pants on, talk to him to get his act together, if he doesn't, then dump him, and move on.

 

Just because something may come easy to one person, doesn't mean it is as easy for another. If you have an easy time letting go and deciphering what you feel, great. I do not. I am a very emotional person. Can't help that.

 

 

Why Delay it? Because it's hot and cold. I haven't yet made a decision. That is why I am talking here.

 

Not looking for a competition. Just more reciprocation.