ScreaminEagle Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Well, as usual, I hurt someones feelings and totally ruined something before it started due to my insecurities and being judgemental. For the sake of brevity, I will try not to make this a James Patterson novel. Out of the blue, friend wishes to set me up with his new g/f's bf, she is 8 years younger. Age problem, not a big deal. Spoke to her on the phone. Conversation went well, however I noticed some red flags. Some I overlooked just to give her the benefit of the doubt such as her living at home (paying off debt from school loans) totally understandable. She has never been in a relationship more then two months. Red flag to me. Due to my experience in relationships and her inexperience in relationships, I considered that I don't want to teach someone how to be in a relationship, still I continued to talk to her. Tonight on the phone, she revealed to me that she has a FWB who she slept with a week ago, I felt that it was TMI and we had not even met yet (supposed to double date Sunday). I told her that it was a turn off, and I do not want to go on a date with someone who says they are looking for a committed relationship, but is fornicating with someone else. I upset her, and I feel bad. She said she never felt bad about being in her casual sex situation until now. She is a very nice girl and we had some great conversations but for some reason it bothers me that she revealed that tonight. Part of me thinks I am a judgemental d-bag and part of me thinks that I cannot help how I feel, that she is having her cake and eating it too, looking for a serious minded person who wants a relationship but engaging in casual sex removing the emotion from it. I truly feel terrible for upsetting her, and I know it is MY PROBLEM not hers that I am upset. We are going to talk more tomorrow but I ruined all chances of meeting her I think, my friend who hooked me up with her said that I had valid points and cannot tell me how to feel but said I should overlook it. Am I being ridiculous and judgemental or am I standing by my standards ? Flame away, bring the pain......
Jules Dash Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Well, you said too much after she revealed things about her situation in regards to the FWB. Next time, you may just want to take in the information and file it in front of your mind. On the other hand, she said too much too soon and it is a red flag. Now if she told you this same info 4 months into a relationship, it would be no big deal but I think it at least reflect her level of wisdom and experience in dating to blurt this out to someone she has reached no level of intimacy with.
Author ScreaminEagle Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 Well, you said too much after she revealed things about her situation in regards to the FWB. Next time, you may just want to take in the information and file it in front of your mind. On the other hand, she said too much too soon and it is a red flag. Now if she told you this same info 4 months into a relationship, it would be no big deal but I think it at least reflect her level of wisdom and experience in dating to blurt this out to someone she has reached no level of intimacy with. Yes, I do agree that I said too much. I feel bad that I made her feel bad about herself. When you mean take the information and file it, do you mean just tell her I don't think it is a good match and that is that ? I do agree about her level of wisdom and experience, but I still feel like a judgemental prick.
Andy_K Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 You're only judgemental if you assume it makes her a bad person. Simply expressing that you do not want to date someone who engages in that behaviour whilst claiming to be looking for something serious, is just a personal preference that you're entitled to. You've done nothing wrong. 4
Diezel Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 She was telling you about a FWB BEFORE you two went out on a date? Dude, I wish I could go back in time and do what you did to some of the girls I went out with. It'd save me a LOT of misery and money and time. But as another poster said, I would have just filed that in the front of my mind... still go out with her and have her as just fun. Nothing more. Overshares that quickly are a HUGE red flag. 3
beautifulinside2 Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 You did nothing wrong. In fact there should be more guys out here like you who have morals and values. 4
stillmind Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 I don't think you did anything wrong. It was probably tactless of you to say that to her, next time you should probably just keep it to yourself and say you're no longer interested, but I don't think you did anything wrong. The FWB is a huge overshare and I would be uncomfortable with it too, I really wouldn't want to date someone who was currently having sex with someone else. I wouldn't date her either. 1
Author ScreaminEagle Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 I don't think you did anything wrong. It was probably tactless of you to say that to her, next time you should probably just keep it to yourself and say you're no longer interested, but I don't think you did anything wrong. The FWB is a huge overshare and I would be uncomfortable with it too, I really wouldn't want to date someone who was currently having sex with someone else. I wouldn't date her either. Thanks everyone for the replies. I really didn't mean to make her feel bad. That is what is upsetting me the most. She really is a nice girl, but I am severely turned off about what she told me. As far as just meeting her and having my way with her, nah 1) I am past that stage in my life for something meaningless 2) I don't want to be sloppy seconds as she disclosed she had sex 1 week ago.
Ducky71 Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 You did nothing wrong. In fact there should be more guys out here like you who have morals and values. ^^^THIS^^^ Stick to your guns SE! If you're not comfortable with that bit of info, then follow your instincts. It doesn't make you a terrible person, and it's a good thing that you can be honest with yourself! In my experience, the initial reaction is usually the right one. If after learning that, you felt like it was a dealbreaker, then stick with it. Don't compromise your values and integrity for someone else.
ComingInHot Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 It is really alright to be turned off by her having a friend she is actually sleeping with. I still don't quite understand that concept yet and I AM older but if that is what is meeting her needs then so be it, right? It just so happens that is not going to work for you. It is telling you something about her character that may not (or in your case is definitely not) compatible with the person you are looking to be in a relationship with. I admire you being direct however , maybe practice being kind and a smidge more 'tactful' next time?? This is a younger girl whom you may just be forced to hang with in the future by default of you being good friend's with the guy who is dating her best friend.... Did I say that right? Even so, you understand right? CiH* 1
CaliGypsy Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Ultimately I'd be glad that someone shared that with me. I wouldn't want to start something with someone that was in a current sexual relationship . You weren't a DB. You were direct with her. If she wants another kind of relationship, she's going to have to realize that having a current FWB contradicts that. I guess, I'd just make it clear I'm not judging, just not a situation I want to get into myself. 1
PogoStick Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 (edited) I'm not sure what her motivation was for telling you. Maybe she was being honest and giving full disclosure. That's commendable IMO. I'm in an open relationship and have a date this week. I can either not tell her, let her get interested, and then bring it up later and say "well you never asked if I was single". Or I can tell her ahead of time so she can make a fair and informed decision on whether she wants to get to know me. What's funny is in this situation, she started off by telling me "I'm not interested in just a hookup." I told her I'm already in a relationship and she shouldn't expect us to get serious. Surprisingly, she still wants to go out for drinks. Edited December 4, 2014 by PogoStick 1
Dallers Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 I do not see what you did wrong here. If you are looking for a relationship then this is not the girl for you and what you said was correct? That is a red flag to any normal human being looked for a serious relationship sorry but FWB means that while you two are dating she will be boning someone else. Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone who is banging away during the early stages? If you are not looking for serious fine but as someone who is involved in FWB situation frequently I would continue to do the deed until we were exclusive. She sounds a mess of drama, games and immaturity. I say this as someone who is a mess, involved in drama and is very immature
Author ScreaminEagle Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 I am grateful for the responses everyone has given. It means a lot to me. To answer some questions: no we have not met yet, yes she did volunteer this information in our third phone conversation which was last night. Upon first speaking to her, she did say she was not looking for a hook up and asked what my intentions were. I was honest and I told her that I am looking long term. It was then that she divulged through conversation that she has not been in a relationship for more then a small amount of time. I don't think she is immature. She is a very nice girl. I don't have the right to tell her what to do with her body. If she feels she needs to satisfy her needs, then who am I to judge ? Certainly she is not the Virgin Mary, no one is. I am straight forward, but tactful. I didn't say anything mean to her, however I reassured her she was a good person with a very good personality but what she was engaging in wasn't in sync with what I am looking for. As far as what she is doing being a character flaw, I am on the fence about that. Should I really blame this on her character because of sex? That is why I am beating myself up. I did the same thing when I was younger so I feel like its hypocritical of me to be turned off although I grew out of that stage of my life. She is upset because I am the first person to have a problem with her behavior, not the way I said it, the fact that I said it.
ComingInHot Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Okay. Would you have a problem with her if she was not a potential date just some chick you have heard ? If that is the case, you may be a bit judgy.. However, it sounds to me like you have an issue with what she is doing in how it pertains to what you are looking for in a long germ relationship, right? Nothing wrong with that... maybe explain to this young lady that you are not judging her (unless you are, then stop that*) but you are Discerning what will work for You in a relationship that You want to have. Anyway, her being upset is her issue. If she has a problem with You having a problem her fwb thing, she needs to sort that out within herself... you haven't even met her yet for pete's sake. ...now I'm just rambling. I hate it when I do that. CiH*
Author ScreaminEagle Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 Okay. Would you have a problem with her if she was not a potential date just some chick you have heard ? If that is the case, you may be a bit judgy.. However, it sounds to me like you have an issue with what she is doing in how it pertains to what you are looking for in a long germ relationship, right? Nothing wrong with that... maybe explain to this young lady that you are not judging her (unless you are, then stop that*) but you are Discerning what will work for You in a relationship that You want to have. Anyway, her being upset is her issue. If she has a problem with You having a problem her fwb thing, she needs to sort that out within herself... you haven't even met her yet for pete's sake. ...now I'm just rambling. I hate it when I do that. CiH* We all ramble, especially after a long workday! No worries. I don't judge people by what I hear, because I have learned if you don't hear it from the horses mouth, then most of the time it is conjecture. I do feel I am being judgemental of her choices. Anyway I haven't heard from her today. So I guess that is that. Onto the next. Thank you everyone. 1
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