Momma's Boy, Family Drama, Angry Fiance & a Gathering this Weekend

[futuredentist]

Hey Everyone,

 

Unsure where to start so I will see where this goes.. I'm engaged as of May 2014, woohoo.. after 2 1/2 years of dating. My fiance and I are happy and love each other until family gets involved - his family. We have so much drama with his family right now I'm ready to break.

 

Anywho, lets get started.. Fiance grew up with married parents whom divorced when he was 17. His mother cheated on the father, father married the mothers best friend. YUP! Now the mother plays OH POOR ME, I'M SO LONELY, I HAVE NO FRIENDS, I STAY HOME TO DRINK AND SMOKE AND JUST CAN'T GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I PUT ALL MY MONEY TOWARDS LIFE INSURANCE SO WHEN I PASS I HAVE SOMETHING TO LEAVE TO MY CHILDREN THEREFORE I HAVE NO LIFE AND CAN'T GO OUT AND SOCIALIZE AND MEET NEW PEOPLE BECAUSE I HAVE NO EXTRA MONEY MENTALITY. At 17 if not before then his mother babied the **** out of him and when I mean babied the **** out of him you'll agree. I believe within 6 months of dating I had become somewhat close to his mom when she let me in on a couple of things. My fiance was 27 years old when we met and he had his own home but during the week he would spend the night at his moms house because work was 45minutes less of a drive then where he lived. Anywho, do you know from birth to 27 fricken years old his mother went into his room in the morning and slowly rubbed his back in circular motions until he would finally awake for work? YES, she did this till he stopped spending the night at her house - does anyone else see this as being sick? Turns my stomach thinking about it. She also did his laundry, cleaned up after him, supported and influenced his smoking habit as well as drinking habit. She made him some type of noodles every night for dinner which to me seems like she could care two ****s about his health, I don't know - I guess I assume this because he eats no vegetables and gags when he tries. Did I mention they email each other every morning to wish each other a good day and let each other know they got to work okay, still to this day- He's 30 years old, soon to be 31 and we've been living together for 2 years. I mean does he drop his truck off somewhere that I don't know about and ride to work on a bike or something - I didn't know I was dating a 15 year old? To this day he has requested we text when we get to work, when we leave, and when we make it home and to kiss in the morning and before bed. Am I just too independent or something? Maybe I'm over thinking? Anyways, I've taught him how to pick up after himself, put things back, wake up to an alarm, make food, and be a team when it comes to laundry. Oh my goodness, and have I helped him tremendously experience life since he never knew what it was outside his moms house and outside the boat (he grew up in a boating family). We also quit smoking 5 months ago and drink 1-2x a week now. He started me back into smoking when we started dating and got me into heavy drinking until I was fed up and done living his ****ty addictive life. His mother smoked while pregnant with him, he started smoking at 14, and she's still smoking today. His mother also influenced his drinking because she drinks every night so we would drink every night. I almost feel like his sister and mother no longer like me because I made my fiance different now, different from them, better then them- he's no longer a smoker or heavy drinker like they are. He has no addictions.

 

I don't know where my point is, I suppose I'm venting about how frustrated and angry and possibly full of resentment I am while looking for advice and someone to relate?!?. Still trying to figure it out. I guess I'm wondering if we're meant to be because I can't let the past go and re-reading everything.. I didn't obviously accept him for who he was but changed him obviously for the better. He is an amazing guy. I mean ONCE he has forgotten to buy me flowers in a week. That's right, he buys me flowers every week and sends a bouquet to my work once a month. He constantly tries all the time. He tries to be the best mate possible. Lately it seems like I can tell he is unhappy, or it seems like it is because I'm trying to help him grow up, and what I mean by that is pointing out the enabling his mother does and the BIG ONE that's caused the DRAMA.. HE DOESN'T STICK UP FOR HIMSELF OR I. Then it seems the unhappiness only starts with family his family crap.

 

WHERE DID THE DRAMA ALL START? This past Thanksgiving actually. A Jeep ran a red light (2 witnesses reported and clarified thank god) and slammed into the passenger side door where I was sitting (dad and 2 kids in Jeep). No broken bones or anything just a lot of bruises and soreness. Anywho, I found a picture of the guy who hit us on Facebook. So, because I was still pissed off the next day I posted a couple of his pictures on a post on Facebook saying "Here's the d-bag that hit us". These pictures included slefies of his flexing of muscles (license plate was "felxin" lol) he was including a selfie of him and his 2 kinds in the Jeep and another one of him licking a beer sign. Now, I don't have my fiance's brother-n-law or sister on my facebook because they're huge fricken drama queens, stuck up, and over opinionated. I'll explain later on. So I tagged my fiance in the facebook post and his brother-n-law sends a post (see copy and pasted text below) Meanwhile, his brother-n-law has never commented nor liked any kind of post on my fiance's page until this..

 

Maybe I am an idiot as well!! I am failing to see what: standing next to a Miller Lite billboard, taking a "selfie" while stopped in a vehicle, or working out has to do with this guy being a D-Bag?!?! I have to say, yes it sucks that the accident happened, however, to immediately judge this strangers complete character by posting his photos to your page, is making no sense to me? I do seem to recall seeing this picture of a "roadie" posted on C%^&*(' page last week......maybe he is saying the same about you guys? Just think maybe everyone should think before posting to a forum such as Facebook or anything else!

 

 

(my response below - I'm angry because I already dislike this guy whom is always on his ipad when my fiance and I drive 2 hours to visit)

 

Your failure to understand and see the point is that these pictures are PUBLIC for everyone to see not just friends. Maybe it would make more sense if you knew the whole story and the conversations that went about the day of the accident but you've had yet to ask - so why do you even care about this post when you haven't given the time of day to call us and ask how we are and what happened?!? and why would you care to share your opinion without knowing what happened?!? The guy would never say anything about us because we keep 99% of our Facebook private unlike a ton of ignorant people in this world that we know. C%*&) roadie picture is PRIVATE (next to the time on a post it shows whether the post is public/friends only or private)- Just think, maybe some people should choose their friends on Facebook wisely - this way they wouldn't have to worry about thinking before they share because people like you wouldn't be judging them negatively for who they are - creating BS and drama (one reason why you're not on my Facebook)

 

(his response)

 

Ok last thing that I am going to comment about on this, there is no need for ME personally to call. I was sitting at the dinner table with C%&*' mom and sister who were both on the phone and texting with C(&*^&*^ after the accident, therefore no need for another call! That being said, your to my comment response speaks volumes on many levels!!!

 

So yes, Fiance is pissed because I started **** - I wasn't trying to start **** since this accident happened to us. This begins the realization that my fiance doesn't stick up for me.

 

SOOO.. I then asked to see my fiance's phone to see what his sister had to say through text, curious if she even cared. Results... She writes "glad you're okay" then "hey, can you send us a picture of the Jeep lol". What do you know, my fiance sent them 3 pictures. Why did they want to see the damage on the Jeep? Because they have a Jeep and wanted to gloat about little damage that is done to a Jeep in an accident I assume. Fiance's brother-n-law has a Jeep OBSESSION. So yah, I flipped out, why? Because this was 15 minutes after talking to his sister and mom when we're headed to the Emergency Room. Am I over reacting? WHO THE F-BOMB OR WHAT TYPE OF PERSON DOES THAT? So now, I'm discovering my fiance is a people pleaser like his mother and a pushover when it comes to his sister and brother-n-law and I begin to start seeing connections of these signs that I ignored through our going on 3 year relationship.

 

Something else.. I've noticed when my fiance begins talking about something to his Dad and StepMom they begin to ignore his conversation and what's sad is that my fiance will still talk and look over at me like a sad puppy (can see it in his eyes) since I'm the last one left making eye contact with him paying attention nodding along to whatever conversation he is stating. He is VERY analytical which can sometimes cause comprehension to be lost but still.. don't disrespect him, listen to him. It breaks my heart, and because I have noticed this happen a few times and haven't been able to approach it or say something as soon as it happens, I'm wondering what I can say? Because I would love to yell out loud HEY, listen (to your damn son you f-ing a-holes lol - would love to say that to them but they're only a-holes when they do this to him - step mom and dad are nice, love the dad, will never trust the stepmom because if she can marry her best friends husband she can surely screw me over)

 

On top of all this, we go to my fiance's Moms for another Thanksgiving dinner. We walk in, his mom's cold to me because I'm sure the drama queen sister has already gossiped to everyone. She asks what all happened with the accident - my blood begins to boil. So I begin to vent about the a-hole who hit us and how he wasn't paying attention obviously by the pictures I saw on Facebook and she interrupts me and says "woah woah woah - I was hit from behind in a car accident many years ago and the woman WAS paying attention except the coordination of her foot from the gas to the break was delayed so there's noway that the guy WASN'T paying attention, it wasn't that bad of an accident - people don't run red lights because they weren't paying attention" Fiance speaks up and says "end of conversation we're supposed to have a nice dinner".. as for me, my heart is pounding and I'm fuming- thinking what mental disorder does she have - did I just flipping her her correctly. I respected my fiance and whatever.While at dinner his mom is making little jabs giving dirty looks, asks about his dads birthday coming up this weekend and why we aren't staying in a hotel, fiance doesn't respond so I state that we aren't staying in a hotel because it's a 61st birthday and we live 30 min away. We're trying to get out of and stay out of debt not get further into it - we also need to save for a wedding. His mother goes "OOOOOH C_____, why the frown?"

 

So yah, I don't know what to do from here. I already talked to my fiance because he has NEVER stuck up for me. EXAMPLE: His sister in mid conversation said to me "you're wierd". A couple months later we get together for Christmas and we're sitting on the couch and she says "you're just wierd, you're really different (with a ****ty look on her face)" I said "thank you for the compliment" She says with a dirty grossed out look "that wasn't a compliment at all" my fiance was there and didn't say anything.

 

From the very beginning I've been pressured to add my fiance's sister onto my facebook and pressured into a relationship with her. I've told my fiance no way jose not going to happen. I can be respectful around her and fake it to make it even though I'm bluntly honest but we will never be friends. We have never clicked. She's one way highway and puts zero effort into everything when it comes to relationships and visiting (uses her kids as excuses a lot so expects everyone to drive to her) He hates it but he deals with it. Btw, I blocked the bother-n-law and the sister on my facebook so no drama will ever happen again (sister started drama awhile ago in a post I tagged about our future wedding and blew up my fiance' phone with her comments and advice). On another note my fiance had an ex that his sister and mom were still friends with on Facebook. When my fiance started dating me his mother deleted the ex but the sister and brother-n-law didn't. My fiance told her to delete the ex because it's disrespectful (4 months ago) and she did but the brother-in-law still has her on there. Fiance's mother has the ex's parents on her Facebook and sent a happy birthday post to one of them 5 months ago saying "i hope you and your family are very happy - happy birthday" of course the person didn't respond AND the mother told me a year ago she was unable to delete the exe's parents.

 

Anyways, done venting. How should I handle all this besides telling me to grow up and stop feeding into my flesh and its emotions? This Saturday we're meeting up with my fiance's Dad for his Birthday and the sister and brother-n-law will be there. (Fiance told me he'd stick up for me but he's afraid to do so in losing touch with his niece and nephew and if this happens I feel like he's going to resent me but I also feel for once he needs to be a man and not let them walk all over him nor me with their ****ty comments and looks - he needs to grow up and stand his ground - he's 30 years old).

 

I mean, should I do the usual hug to the sister and brother-n-law? What I'd like to say/do is when we meet just look at them and say "Hey no need to hug, we've never had a connection nor will we ever have a relationship or be close so why fake it, I'd rather be honest and talk crap to your face then your back, so I'm sorry for being blunt -but in the end we'll both be happy and I'm sorry our accident turned into such a big deal - All I care about is you and C_____'s relationship and that's it. Statistics say around 20% of people you encounter in your life you're not going to connect with and the Bible says let not your foot be frequently in your neighbour's house, or he may get tired of you, and his feeling be turned to hate.

 

 

Thanks for all who took the time to read and respond. I hope I posted this to the right group.. I was unsure which group would pertain in-laws.

[Gloria25]

Dating is the time we take to discern if a person is a "match"....this usually takes like 1 1/2 to 2 years of DATING (not friends, shacking up, working together)....Why? cuz a vampire can only hide their fangs for so long.

 

You've had enough time to see who your fiance is and what you're about to step into. Now you must make a decision if that's what you want for the rest of your life and/or the kids that will be dragged into this.

 

We don't date to "mold" the person into what we want them to be. There's also "deal breakers" and/or "compromise". You have to decide if what you see is a "deal breaker" or if you're willing to "compromise".

 

At the end of the day, no one can force you do do anything. You have the right to decide what you want...and thankfully you got to see what you're about to get into - in order to make an informed decision as to what you wanna do.