steamie Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Hi everyone I need a good place to vent right now, and am also looking for some kind of feedback. My fiance (F) and I (M) are both 23 and have been together for almost 3 years. Through out my life I have always had a firm idea of what I want, and what type of person I want to become. However, lately my life has been feeling like it does not fit what I really want. I am at a point in my life where I don't know who I am anymore. When we first got together things were great of course. But as time has gone on we have both changed a lot. I have faced some of the hardest points of my life, and have been humbled by the experience. I am not as confident as I was when we first met, and I am actively trying to regain some of that confidence. I am essentially going through a bit of a quarter life crisis, mainly trying to figure out what type of direction I want to take my future career. I am a bit scattered. Some days I want to do x, and then the next week I am wanting to focus on y. I am currently finishing my degree at uni and I want to be prepared for what I can strive towards when I graduate. My fiance and I have good communication, and I have spoken to her about my struggles and she understands. However she has really changed from the person she was when I first met her, and even though we have good communication I feel like there are things I can't tell her or else she will take it the wrong way, or get irrationally upset. What is most concerning to me is her weight gain. I have no problem with her gaining weight, because I have always been very attracted to her. However she does not feel good about herself because of it. I try to make her feel sexy, I tell her that she is beautiful, and I do try to be spontaneous and passionate, but she basically isn't in the mood for it, and hasn't been for several weeks. She says she wants to lose the weight, and because she has gained ~40lbs it is affecting her self confidence and she doesn't feel as comfortable being intimate with me because she is self conscious. I have been understanding. She has been trying to lose this weight for over a year now, and our passion has taken a big hit because of it. I have tried helping her along the way, motivating her and helping her meal plan, but it never stuck. She isn't even trying to work out or diet anymore until she saves for a year long gym membership, and that is hurtful to me. She basically admitted that it is greatly inhibiting our sex life, but it makes me feel like she doesn't care about our sex life since she hasn't even been trying anymore. A second problem for me is her smoking. Before we got together, she was a smoker for 5 years. Before we started dating, she told me that she would quit smoking in a heartbeat if the right guy came along (alluding to me asking her out). She did when we were together, and for the first year and a half of our relationship she had quit. However, along the way she relapsed and was hiding it from me for a month. When she did finally tell me, I didn't get upset and told her I understood why she was afraid to tell me, and that she can be open and honest with me in the future and that I wouldn't get upset. She said she is trying to quit, and she doesn't want to smoke anymore because shes ashamed of it. I knew a couple months ago she was still smoking, because there was a pack sticking out of her purse one day. I don't know if she is still smoking or not, she doesn't ever want to talk about it, but she often goes for walks and it makes me feel like she can't trust me or be open with me. A third thing that is hard is that when we argue she becomes very stubborn and bratty. When we first got together and had our first fight, she held my hands, gave me eye contact, and communicated well. She explained to me she learned to do that because her last boyfriend was abusive. However, I feel like now that she knows that I would never hurt her, she tests me. She gets loud, she gets upset, she takes cheap shots at me, and she always expects a perfect apology in order for things to be ok, and even when we finally get there she is still bitter at least an hour afterward. I end up apologizing 5 different times because my first 4 weren't good enough or I apparently didn't en capsule everything that made her upset. We don't argue over major things, in fact our arguments are laughably minuscule, but I feel like sometimes I am on eggshells with her. Our last argument was over me saying that I'll meet her in the living room to talk when shes finished up in the bathroom, because she was putting on a facemask and taking her makeup off after just getting off work. She was upset about it, and I said that I was sorry I didn't mean to be rude I just thought it would be easier to talk when she was done, but it turned into her being upset with me for over an hour. Anyway, our relationship has been having its problems and sometimes it feels like I am the only one trying. I've talked to her about this stuff and she agrees and says that we need to put more effort in our relationship, but even after our conversations about it, I rarely get to talk to her without her playing cellphone games or being on the computer or watching tv shows. The more I reflect on it, the more I realize how unsatisfied I am with this relationship. I don't want to leave her, I just wish we can work through this. I know every relationship has its ups and downs, but I guess I would appreciate some input from you guys on what you think. I know there are always two sides to a story, but what can I do differently? What do you guys think about this? Thank you for reading:)
d0nnivain Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Where ever you are in the wedding planning process, stop doing everything except saving money to pay for the wedding. Hopefully you haven't put down non-refundable down payments but don't spend any more money at this point. Your focus issue should resolve once you graduate & get a job. Your self confidence will return at that point too. The unrest you feel is because your life is on a precipice right now. You are facing the unknowns of after college. When those become knows everything else will fall into place. As for her issues, you can't make her feel beautiful. That has to come from within. You can't make her exercise, lose weight or quit smoking. With all the stress that comes from wedding planning, asking her to quit smoking now may be too much. She has to want to quit or exercise for her not you. Nagging will make it worse. Once she goes wedding gown shopping, that may motivate her to get her act in gear regarding her weight because bridal sizing is smaller than street sizes & makes the slimmest of girls neurotic. While your concrete wedding plans are on hold, get some pre-marital counseling. Even though my husband & I were old enough to be your parents when we married, we found the counseling to be valuable. The issues that confront a new couple are different than those of a BF/GF. Preparing in advance to deal with them was helpful. One of the things it should address for you is the "testing" business & her continuing to pout after you apologized. 1
oldshirt Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 - The changes a person undergoes from 18-25 is profound. Both of you are still very much under construction as people and are changing rapidly. You both are two different people than when you first started dating and things are going to change even more over the next couple years. This is a terrible time to be planning a wedding even if things were going great. - a 23 year old putting on 40 lbs and smoking is a very concerning thing. If she put on 40 lbs over the last couple years as a young woman in her early 20s, she is going to be morbidly obese after kids and a number of years down the road. - if she is a dud in bed and has sexual hang ups now as a single 23 year old, You are going to be completely sexless a number of years from now when she's really fat. - if she is treating you disrespectfully and dismissively now, you might as well sign up for castration and hen-pecking now and get your balls out of the way where they won't get you in any more trouble as you walk the road of misery. You are young and have your whole future ahead of you. There is no reason to settle for this. 2
oldshirt Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 The more I reflect on it, the more I realize how unsatisfied I am with this relationship. I don't want to leave her, I just wish we can work through this. The direct translation of this statement is - "I wish she would become someone different." The reality is she is who and what she is. 2
spanz1 Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 maybe she did not so much change over the 3 years, but stopped pretending and is letting you see who she really is? If who she is repulses you...leave. You have your whole career in front of you...why weigh your options down with a woman who does not love you anymore. If you still think she is the one...counseling is the way to go. Find out why she is so fat and will not lift a finger to lose weight? she can not use the gym at the school you are at to work out? Jogging is free! a pair of adjustable dumbells is like $40 and can be used in thousands of exercises. smoking is harder, because it is addictive. pot smoking is mentally addictive...like if she is having a very boring life, it will be hard to wean her off the pot which makes her life bearable. it is NOT unusual for couples to have fights and even 2nd thoughts before a marriage. it is a BIG commitment. but after the fight, one would expect her to come back and re-commit to the upcoming marriage. it sounds like that is not happening, which is strange if she really loves you you do not talk at all about her job/career/education. is she I the same school as you are? does she work? or is she hoping you will be her meal ticket for the future?
bathtub-row Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Not wanting to leave someone when they demonstrate this type of behavior is exactly how people get into bad marriages. Ignore the signs and keep thinking this can be fixed and that's how you'll end up. Just the fact that she wants to put off sex until she feels ok about herself tells me a lot about her. I think the two of you have outgrown one another and need to call it a day. You'd be better off spending your time concentrating on what you want to do with your life without something like this hanging over your head. 2
Turtles Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Steamie the patterns that you see now (not working on her body, being needlessly argumentative, being deceitful about her smoking habits, spending so much time playing games or watching tv) are not things that you can "work on", they are part of her true, developing character as an adult. You can threaten to leave and she might "change" for a while but that won't be who she really is. If you don't love that then you need to leave and you will find someone you are more compatible with (and she will find someone who appreciates her the way she is). I know it sucks because it feels like you have wasted 3 years on a relationship and don't want to throw that away. It's not thrown away though, it's a very valuable life experience. You are smart to recognize those warning signs.
Author steamie Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 Hi guys Thank you for your responses and opinions. I don't have anyone in my real life that I can talk to about this, so I greatly appreciate it . I'll just clarify some things that people asked questions about: We were both in going to the same university at one point, but she did not enroll this semester because she was very burnt out with school. She ended up getting a very good job that usually requires a degree, and works full time. I am her main form of transportation and usually take her to and from work. I have worked 2x a week at a decent job, and have had full time classes this semester. We have not started planning the wedding, we are just trying to save money. We both agreed we wouldn't get married until we became more established. I certainly won't follow through with the wedding until I have understood what type of person she is becoming, or has become. Regarding kids in the future, we both either want to adopt or foster. I don't actively nag about her weight loss. I don't make comments about how much food she takes to work, because I don't want to hurt her feelings or come across as a jerk. We just talk about it when we both sit down and chat about improving our relationship. She has told me she wants to lose it, she just needs help losing it and someone to keep her motivated. I have attempted to be that person in the past, but it is a difficult situation for me to be in because I don't want to turn from being a partner to a dictator. Another thing about her weight gain that I forgot to mention is that she has been having medical problems. She has not had a period for over a year and has been diagnosed by a doctor with Polycystic ovarian syndrome. Even though I know that her weight gain was mostly caused by overeating, stress of school, and quitting smoking, it still hurts that she isn't even trying until she gets a gym membership. I stay lean and healthy, and if my bodily appearance was ever affecting our sex life, I would be jogging at least 3 or 4 times a week because I love her, and to me our relationship comes first. What I am struggling with is drawing the line between being understanding, and making excuses for her. I have put my faith in her and have trusted her with what she has told me because I love her, and I feel like right now she is taking advantage of that. She use to be the only woman I thought about, and everyone else didn't even compare, but I just feel more like a roommate than a fiance at this point. I know that there is a lot going on with her at this point, but it always feels like whatever comes up in her life always greatly affects our relationship. She doesn't show much attraction to me. She snuggles up to me on the couch and we hold hands, but I can't remember the last time she just passionately kissed me, looked me in the eyes, and told me that she loved me. It has been several months. I know I am an attractive guy, but I myself hardly try to get physical with her anymore because I'm usually rejected. She tells me she doesn't initiate sex anymore because she is too self conscious, so we just haven't had sex for weeks now. I'm not the type of guy prying for sex every day, because I don't have a large sex drive myself, but I would like at least once or twice a week, or at least show some interest in me. We are still in argument over the me wanting to talk in the living room yesterday from my first post, and we went to bed "angry" over it last night. I gave her a really good apology that I meant shortly after I finished writing this thread. I said that I was sorry for upsetting her, and that it wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with her or wasn't excited to see her, I was looking forward to talking with her, we just have different opinions on the situation between talking in the bathroom vs talking in the living room, but I had no intention hurting her, and didn't know it would, so I was sorry. She then said that she accepted my apology, but me saying that we had different opinions on the situation was an unnecessary comment, and I just told her I was just being honest, that is my apology, that is how I feel. Regardless, I didn't mean to hurt her, and she couldn't let it go. I then asked her where was my apology for all the cheapshots and one liners she made when she was upset, like saying that "I was just probably sitting on my ass all day doing nothing", when I was studying for my finals. She denied saying that, I told her the couple times she did, and she just got up and said "ok that's enough of that", stormed off to the bedroom and we didn't talk the rest of the night, or even this morning. Usually I am the one to try to bring us back together after an argument and the one that goes to her to try to mend fences, no matter who was in the wrong. I don't normally care about petty things like who goes to who first, I just care about resolving the issue. This time though, I want to see how long it takes for her to come to me and try to make amends. I want to see how much of a priority it is to her to make things right with us, and to try to resolve the issue. Thank you again for all of your comments. If you have more please share them, I will keep you guys posted on this.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Anyway, our relationship has been having its problems and sometimes it feels like I am the only one trying. I've talked to her about this stuff and she agrees and says that we need to put more effort in our relationship, but even after our conversations about it, I rarely get to talk to her without her playing cellphone games or being on the computer or watching tv shows. The more I reflect on it, the more I realize how unsatisfied I am with this relationship. I don't want to leave her, I just wish we can work through this. I know every relationship has its ups and downs, but I guess I would appreciate some input from you guys on what you think. While you are indeed too young to be considering marriage, there's never a right age to marry the wrong person. Were you both already well established in career and life, most here would still give you the same feedback - based on compatibility, don't do it... Mr. Lucky 1
Mal78 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Hi everyone I need a good place to vent right now, and am also looking for some kind of feedback. My fiance (F) and I (M) are both 23 and have been together for almost 3 years. Through out my life I have always had a firm idea of what I want, and what type of person I want to become. However, lately my life has been feeling like it does not fit what I really want. I am at a point in my life where I don't know who I am anymore. When we first got together things were great of course. But as time has gone on we have both changed a lot. I have faced some of the hardest points of my life, and have been humbled by the experience. I am not as confident as I was when we first met, and I am actively trying to regain some of that confidence. I am essentially going through a bit of a quarter life crisis, mainly trying to figure out what type of direction I want to take my future career. I am a bit scattered. Some days I want to do x, and then the next week I am wanting to focus on y. I am currently finishing my degree at uni and I want to be prepared for what I can strive towards when I graduate. My fiance and I have good communication, and I have spoken to her about my struggles and she understands. However she has really changed from the person she was when I first met her, and even though we have good communication I feel like there are things I can't tell her or else she will take it the wrong way, or get irrationally upset. What is most concerning to me is her weight gain. I have no problem with her gaining weight, because I have always been very attracted to her. However she does not feel good about herself because of it. I try to make her feel sexy, I tell her that she is beautiful, and I do try to be spontaneous and passionate, but she basically isn't in the mood for it, and hasn't been for several weeks. She says she wants to lose the weight, and because she has gained ~40lbs it is affecting her self confidence and she doesn't feel as comfortable being intimate with me because she is self conscious. I have been understanding. She has been trying to lose this weight for over a year now, and our passion has taken a big hit because of it. I have tried helping her along the way, motivating her and helping her meal plan, but it never stuck. She isn't even trying to work out or diet anymore until she saves for a year long gym membership, and that is hurtful to me. She basically admitted that it is greatly inhibiting our sex life, but it makes me feel like she doesn't care about our sex life since she hasn't even been trying anymore. A second problem for me is her smoking. Before we got together, she was a smoker for 5 years. Before we started dating, she told me that she would quit smoking in a heartbeat if the right guy came along (alluding to me asking her out). She did when we were together, and for the first year and a half of our relationship she had quit. However, along the way she relapsed and was hiding it from me for a month. When she did finally tell me, I didn't get upset and told her I understood why she was afraid to tell me, and that she can be open and honest with me in the future and that I wouldn't get upset. She said she is trying to quit, and she doesn't want to smoke anymore because shes ashamed of it. I knew a couple months ago she was still smoking, because there was a pack sticking out of her purse one day. I don't know if she is still smoking or not, she doesn't ever want to talk about it, but she often goes for walks and it makes me feel like she can't trust me or be open with me. A third thing that is hard is that when we argue she becomes very stubborn and bratty. When we first got together and had our first fight, she held my hands, gave me eye contact, and communicated well. She explained to me she learned to do that because her last boyfriend was abusive. However, I feel like now that she knows that I would never hurt her, she tests me. She gets loud, she gets upset, she takes cheap shots at me, and she always expects a perfect apology in order for things to be ok, and even when we finally get there she is still bitter at least an hour afterward. I end up apologizing 5 different times because my first 4 weren't good enough or I apparently didn't en capsule everything that made her upset. We don't argue over major things, in fact our arguments are laughably minuscule, but I feel like sometimes I am on eggshells with her. Our last argument was over me saying that I'll meet her in the living room to talk when shes finished up in the bathroom, because she was putting on a facemask and taking her makeup off after just getting off work. She was upset about it, and I said that I was sorry I didn't mean to be rude I just thought it would be easier to talk when she was done, but it turned into her being upset with me for over an hour. Anyway, our relationship has been having its problems and sometimes it feels like I am the only one trying. I've talked to her about this stuff and she agrees and says that we need to put more effort in our relationship, but even after our conversations about it, I rarely get to talk to her without her playing cellphone games or being on the computer or watching tv shows. The more I reflect on it, the more I realize how unsatisfied I am with this relationship. I don't want to leave her, I just wish we can work through this. I know every relationship has its ups and downs, but I guess I would appreciate some input from you guys on what you think. I know there are always two sides to a story, but what can I do differently? What do you guys think about this? Thank you for reading:) What qualities does she have that attracts you to her? I vaguely remember being 20,21,22,23 (I'm in my 30's). Right now, to you 3 years is a whole lot of life. She is showing you her authentic self. This is her and nothing you do or say will change that. You can shut-up and put-up or move on. She works full time, good job and you live together. You work 2 days/week and school f/t. Although you are her main source of transportation it sound like a co - dependant relationship. Does part of you not want to *rock the boat* until you are done school? It also sounds like her priorities are not your priorities. You are willing to move mountains she is barely willing to step over ant hills. She said she would quit smoking if the right guy came around. She *thought* you were the right guy. What changed? She is clearly telling you and you are willing to settle. Sure you love who you thought she was. You don't want to upset her so *you* apologize. She takes no ownership in *anything* that is the malfunction in your relationship. She is telling you (loud and clear) who she is. Listen to her. Move on. 2
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Symptoms of PCOS usually become apparent during your late teens or early twenties. They can include: irregular periods or no periods at all difficulty getting pregnant (because of irregular ovulation or failure to ovulate) excessive hair growth (hirsutism) - usually on the face, chest, back or buttocks weight gain thinning hair and hair loss from the head oily skin or acne I would guess she may be depressed, there is no cure, only treatment for PCOS. Facing up to the fact she may have difficulty getting pregnant in her life may be difficult for someone who is only 23. Her anger may not really be about the trivial things you are fighting about, it may have a far deeper source. 1
jackslife Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I was in counselling with my wife earlier in the week. One of the first things the counsellor said was "you can't change each other, only yourselves." I think you want out of this relationship, but you don't want to hurt her. You were young when you met and still growing now. I think you don't want to be seen as the dumper and your low confidence makes it tougher. She is not a fine wine and she will not improve with age. You are young with your whole life ahead of you. Finish it now.
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