Having a terrible night, trouble coping

[Cherrybreeze]

I haven't posted since right after our break-up, but I have been reading every day. It happened about 3 weeks ago now...I didn't tell much of the story, the bottom line is he got very angry about something he was wrong about...wouldn't hear me out. He once during the time since said that yes, he misses me too but "life goes on." He has done this before, and we came back together. Things were better than ever before this incident, which I think is making this even harder.

 

I had posted a thread about him having kids....I am friends still with him, the boys, and the mutual friends we have on Facebook. I can't bring myself to unfriend any of them. We have (had?) texted back and forth over the course of the weeks, mostly me initiating but he would always answer. Sunday we texted like we always had, and I made the mistake of asking to see him...no reply to that. This is my third day now of NC, and I want badly to break it. I feel like I wait all day to hear "his" text alert (it's not my default) and I know it's not coming. I am still hoping that it does, that he'll deal with his and come around. I posted a week and a half or so ago that I got the heat working in my car again (it just needed anti-freeze, duh me) but his son liked the post and said, Good job and used the nickname they've always had for me. A couple days after that I wished the son a happy bday on FB, and he answered the same, thank you (nickname)! He didn't even say thank you to his parents' posts. I miss those kids as well.

 

I feel like I'm never going to get over this. I'm trying so hard not to break NC, but mostly at this point because I'm hoping he will, it's only been a couple days. I know it's stupid to hope, but I can't seem to let go of it. I also can't stop the tears tonight, so I thought posting would help. I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.

[Cherrybreeze]

I've also been dreaming about him, nearly every night. Some good, some terrible. Bad nightmare last night. I can't even get away from it by sleeping, when I can, which isn't much.....although it's all I want to do.

[Zahara]

How will you ever get over this if you remain attached to what hurts you?

 

There are no excuses. You put yourself out there that you would like to see him and he ignored you. What other response will make you accept that he isn't interested. Don't base what happened before when he came back, but base it on his reaction to you now.

 

As for his kids, they're his kids. At some point they will move on from you and quickly mind you because they're kids living their lives with friends, school, sports, etc. They will detach and be fine and not because they don't care for you. I understand it is hard but you don't have a choice. I think the only reason you want to be accessible via FB is because it's a reminder to him of your existence.

Edited December 4, 2014 by Zahara

[Cherrybreeze]

I know it doesn't make sense. I also can't help wondering why he hasn't unfriended or blocked me, either. I guess I'm waiting for that to happen.

 

I know it's not helping. I KNOW it's not. I just can't bring myself to do it. I know I'm hurting myself, but I would hurt so much anyway.

 

I was just looking at FB, in fact, and in the corner scroll I saw a picture that his son "liked." The words with the picture were, "Mario could teach us all a little something about forgiveness." He probably just happened to like it. But it makes me think, and it makes me wonder what he told them about why I'm gone now. I know they'll get over it fast, and that hurts, too.

[Zahara]

I know it doesn't make sense. I also can't help wondering why he hasn't unfriended or blocked me, either. I guess I'm waiting for that to happen.

 

I know it's not helping. I KNOW it's not. I just can't bring myself to do it. I know I'm hurting myself, but I would hurt so much anyway.

 

I was just looking at FB, in fact, and in the corner scroll I saw a picture that his son "liked." The words with the picture were, "Mario could teach us all a little something about forgiveness." He probably just happened to like it. But it makes me think, and it makes me wonder what he told them about why I'm gone now. I know they'll get over it fast, and that hurts, too.

 

Well, you can post and post but until you are proactive in your healing, no one can help you. I'm not sure what you're waiting for when he's blatantly showing you how he feels. Even if he came back a week from now or a month from now, do you really want to be with someone that has treated you this way. He probably used what happened as an excuse to end it with you. That is why he chose not to hear you, resolve it but just blame you for it.

 

He hasn't unfriended you because it's not a big deal for him. It's a big deal for you because you're emotionally affected. For him, it's just FB. I have had ex's keep me on FB after an ending. You focus on irrelevance, social media when the reality, slapping you in the face -- he doesn't even want to see you.

 

You can't bring yourself to do it because it is your lifeline to him. And you don't want to let go.

 

Yes, you will hurt about the kids but as time goes on, just as you break the attachment to him, you will for the kids but your heart will remember them fondly and lovingly, but without the pain.

[Zahara]

I just read about how he caught your former fling/now best friend being inappropriate sometimes with you eventhough you didn't respond and how he has women sending him pictures and what not.

 

How you think carrying on a healthy relationship with this sort of behavior is beyond me.

 

There is no trust. There is no loyalty. When I am committed to a man, I don't allow anything outside of my relationship to interfere, and that would mean not allowing a man to inappropriately engage with me. As for him, if he is committed to you, there is no need to be accessible to other women and picture sharing. And he has the audacity not to trust you?

 

He has kids, a relationship and you have him and your relationship with the children -- should be more than enough to keep you fulfilled and content.

 

I'm always baffled by people who behave this way and when it hits the fan, then it's all so confusing. It really isn't.

[Cherrybreeze]

I told my friend that it was inappropriate, and in the weeks following was pulling back on that friendship. I'm not trying to make excuses, but I KNEW that he was trying to turn it into something more than catching up over a couple beers now and then so I started turning down his invites, and we were less in touch. I don't know about any recent contact the ex had with anyone. In the time I hung out more with the friend, the ex and I were not as close, having dealt with some **** before. My friend was a confidant, to start with.

 

No, everything wasn't perfect, and he and I both made mistakes. I had hoped being able to post that someone would at least understand the feeling, I see the error in that now.

[Cherrybreeze]

I just read about how he caught your former fling/now best friend being inappropriate sometimes with you eventhough you didn't respond and how he has women sending him pictures and what not.

 

How you think carrying on a healthy relationship with this sort of behavior is beyond me.

 

There is no trust. There is no loyalty. When I am committed to a man, I don't allow anything outside of my relationship to interfere, and that would mean not allowing a man to inappropriately engage with me. As for him, if he is committed to you, there is no need to be accessible to other women and picture sharing. And he has the audacity not to trust you?

 

He has kids, a relationship and you have him and your relationship with the children -- should be more than enough to keep you fulfilled and content.

 

I'm always baffled by people who behave this way and when it hits the fan, then it's all so confusing. It really isn't.

 

I'm so glad you're perfect and a better person than me. It's hard to put everything about a relationship into a couple of readable paragraphs, but I tried. Fine, I'm a horrible person. That better?

[Zahara]

I told my friend that it was inappropriate, and in the weeks following was pulling back on that friendship. I'm not trying to make excuses, but I KNEW that he was trying to turn it into something more than catching up over a couple beers now and then so I started turning down his invites, and we were less in touch. I don't know about any recent contact the ex had with anyone. In the time I hung out more with the friend, the ex and I were not as close, having dealt with some **** before. My friend was a confidant, to start with.

 

No, everything wasn't perfect, and he and I both made mistakes. I had hoped being able to post that someone would at least understand the feeling, I see the error in that now.

 

In one of your posts you stated you knew it was inappropriate but you never stopped it. And your ex saw those messages and you not stopping or reprimanding your friend.

 

The moment you knew he was trying to turn it into something, contact should have stopped. Instead you allowed it to keep going. This "friend" knew you had a boyfriend but had no issues with trying to hit on you. That in itself doesn't equate to "friend".

 

There are repercussions to one's actions. This confidante certainly didn't respect boundaries and you failed to implement them. As for your ex, I don't know what his issues were with pictures from other women, but regardless, this relationship probably wasn't good for either of you.

[Zahara]

I'm so glad you're perfect and a better person than me. It's hard to put everything about a relationship into a couple of readable paragraphs, but I tried. Fine, I'm a horrible person. That better?

 

I'm not perfect or better. I just have boundaries.

 

No one called you a horrible person nor did I imply in any way that you were. You just made some bad choices that came back to haunt you.

[Cherrybreeze]

In one of your posts you stated you knew it was inappropriate but you never stopped it. And your ex saw those messages and you not stopping or reprimanding your friend.

 

The moment you knew he was trying to turn it into something, contact should have stopped. Instead you allowed it to keep going. This "friend" knew you had a boyfriend but had no issues with trying to hit on you. That in itself doesn't equate to "friend".

 

There are repercussions to one's actions. This confidante certainly didn't respect boundaries and you failed to implement them. As for your ex, I don't know what his issues were with pictures from other women, but regardless, this relationship probably wasn't good for either of you.

 

Texts didn't tell the whole story, of what I said to the "friend" about his inappropriate actions. He doesn't know what was said in person, for one thing. That is why him not at least talking to me about it bothers me so much. I wanted to tell him that I'd kept in touch with the friend (AS friends, as I was pulling back when he started to change the game), but was afraid of his reaction. In the end, what happened was what I was afraid of anyway.

[Zahara]

Texts didn't tell the whole story, of what I said to the "friend" about his inappropriate actions. He doesn't know what was said in person, for one thing. That is why him not at least talking to me about it bothers me so much. I wanted to tell him that I'd kept in touch with the friend (AS friends, as I was pulling back when he started to change the game), but was afraid of his reaction. In the end, what happened was what I was afraid of anyway.

 

He doesn't need to sit there and listen to what you said to the friend. If you couldn't stop it via text based on what he saw, what would make you think that just because you say you talked to the friend in person about his inappropriate behavior, he is going to believe that? And after being inappropriate, you still met with him in person?? Why would ex even believe you even if you told him you were slowly pulling back? You had an opportunity to nip it in the bud the moment the friend stepped out of line, you didn't. You wanted to do some sort of slow pull back when you didn't need to do that. If your friend couldn't respect your relationship, you should have told him how you felt and cut contact -- even more so when you once had a fling with so called friend.

 

Plus, why wasn't your friendship with the fling made known to your ex when you started getting serious?

Edited December 4, 2014 by Zahara

[prettyinpink1]

Seems he dosent wanna put in any effort so why should you? I'm sorry I know its really tough but you gotta go no contact and trust me youll find someone 1000x better who will make all the pain go away and youll forget all about this guy (:

 

I wish you the best of luck!!

xoxo

Sam

[ballycastle]

Seems he dosent wanna put in any effort so why should you? I'm sorry I know its really tough but you gotta go no contact and trust me youll find someone 1000x better who will make all the pain go away and youll forget all about this guy (:

 

I wish you the best of luck!!

xoxo

Sam

 

 

How can we predict the future? I wonder why people say that 'don't worry about him you'll meet someone better?' I repeat, How do you or anyone knows this? Surely this just smacks of co-dependency- forget about the old one someone better will make you happy?

 

 

Why can't we say, 'Just try to be happy' why does there need to be this wistful notion that anyone partner will forget the past hurt.

 

 

We cannot predict the future. IF that was the case we would predict that the person that left/betrayed/abandoned/cheated on us would do it and we wouldn't embark on a relationship with them and there would not be any need for this Coping page.

 

 

People are really hurting. Glib comments do not help in my mind.

 

 

Let's try and support them through their pain, they miss that person, projecting them onto someone else is premature and rather irresponsible.

 

 

It's what my therapist used to say when I was in so much pain for a love lost and I left that therapist.

 

 

If my child died, would you say, 'Don't worry you'll get another one?'

[Cherrybreeze]

Zahara, you seem intent on shoving my mistakes in my face. I really appreciate it. I know I did wrong, and he did, too, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

[prettyinpink1]

Sorry Ballycastle, but I am trying to help cherrybreeze by giving her MY opinion. Dont like my adivce? Sorry! (:

[Zahara]

I haven't posted since right after our break-up, but I have been reading every day. It happened about 3 weeks ago now...I didn't tell much of the story, the bottom line is he got very angry about something he was wrong about...wouldn't hear me out.

 

I'm not intent in shoving anything in your face. Infact, my first post gave you advice in terms of you letting go but wanting to get a much clearer picture I decided to read your other threads. I even blamed him for how you were feeling. Then, what I read contradicted with the statement in bold.

 

You clearly see no wrong in your own actions. Noting that he was angry about something he was wrong about dictates no accountability on your part. And you continue in your subsequent posts to validate and defend how you chose to handle this "friend". Regardless of you believing in your head that you did nothing wrong, you CANNOT project that on him. He has every right to feel/react the way he did.

 

In any case, I'm sorry you are in pain. This isn't a relationship that is healthy for either you or him. The best thing for you to do is to leave him alone, remove all triggers/reminders, and that means FB, connections to him, his kids and try to move forward from this.

 

Going day in and day out feeling hurt doesn't do anything for you but tear at your emotional health. If this man wants you back, FB is not going to be the gateway from where he finds you. He will come to your door. He will call you. He will text you. He will show up. There is no need to keep digging at the wound. Accept that it is over and come to the conclusion that no matter how many times you look at FB, it isn't what's going to magically make him want you. He will want you back because he's choosing to do so.

 

Trust once broken is hard to regain. You need to learn how to create better and healthy boundaries for yourself. Your actions seem self-sabotaging and you have to ask yourself why you would put yourself in a situation that had potential to cause disaster in your relationship.

 

Start your healing. If at anytime he comes back, then it's a new and fresh start for you and you now have a better perspective on how to respect and protect your relationship. But if he doesn't take it as a valuable lesson and one that provides growth and wisdom that you take into your future relationships.

 

And the only way that happens, is forward movement and proactiveness in starting your healing. Until then you will be indefinitely drowning in pain.

Edited December 4, 2014 by Zahara

[Cherrybreeze]

Oh, I KNOW I did wrong, I've said that over and over. Part what makes me angry/sad is that he sees nothing wrong with HIS actions at ANY point. There were several women he talked to (and let's use "talk" loosely here), but somehow, that's different. And I don't get it.

[Zahara]

Oh, I KNOW I did wrong, I've said that over and over. Part what makes me angry/sad is that he sees nothing wrong with HIS actions at ANY point. There were several women he talked to (and let's use "talk" loosely here), but somehow, that's different. And I don't get it.

 

So, what does it mean when you said he was receiving pictures and talking to other women? When you brought it up with him, what did he say? Did he do it openly? Did you confront?

 

And if he did wrong, you had every opportunity to end it. Just because you choose to accept his behavior, you feel that he has to accept yours. It doesn't work that way.

 

Even so, regardless of who did what, it is very evident that this relationship lacked a healthy perspective as to respect and boundaries for one another and the relationship.

Edited December 4, 2014 by Zahara

[Cherrybreeze]

I have done nothing but sit on my computer today, and I need to get up and do SOMETHING. I hope that if I post this I can stop it from running around in my head. I do believe I know the "true" answers and what I'll be advised, but I'll say it anyway.

 

My ex and I broke up three weeks ago. It was sudden, and he is ANGRY. Had I screwed up, yes, but not in the way he thinks. He wouldn't talk to me about it at all - and I know he is like that. He can cut ties, throw his walls up, all of that seemingly without a second thought. I know it's because he believes overall, people can't care about him. He has acknowledged in the past that he understands that I do (well, how he thinks now, either "did" or "never did"). I hate that he thinks that, because I really do care.

 

Things clicked immediately with us. We settled in quickly and were comfortable, tons of things in common. From reading here, that's nothing "special" per say, but it was for me...I've never felt that way with anyone before. He was married previously, and had one other LDR since his divorce that lasted a couple years. Then me.

 

I have struggled with depression, and while with him I showed some signs (and not around him, but neglecting things at home). I've been on and off meds over the years, mostly because I am NOT good at sticking to them. Since the break up, I have not been coping at all, so I did restart them. I'm on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist with the county, since I can't afford insurance. I've lost about 10 lbs, and last night looked in the mirror and realize how like BAD I look...I need to color my hair, wax my eyebrows, do my nails, get to the gym (it's not a "good looking" weight loss per say, I look scrawny in the arms and legs, etc....my activity level has been ZILCH, along with my food intake). I know it's not wise to go back to my gym routine from months ago as I don't have the calorie stores. I would faint on the treadmill. But I need to start with SOMETHING. My skin even looks bad, all over, I know I haven't been hydrating like I should either.

 

While he may have said at the time about the split, he just didn't give a ****, he did seem angry. Very angry. It would appear that he jumped into the dating/bar scene (at least the hooking up scene), and he's never been like that. He likes to stay home. WE liked to stay home, we didn't go "out" too often but we enjoyed making dinner, watching movies, going for walks when the weather was nice, etc. We "domesticated" but both often expressed how much we enjoyed it. I have made mistakes, but so has he. Trouble is? He doesn't take responsibility for them. I know I need to focus on THOSE things, and maybe I eventually will, but I am still in the idolizing/romanticizing phase.

 

Logically, after reading all over this forum, he's not coming back. I think several factors keep me holding on to hope; we've split before (and he did the same thing, "I'm done") but we pulled it back together by going slowly. I had never thought he would, given all he's said about what he knows about himself. Will he do it again? I think I know it's "no," but...the hope on my part is still there.

 

I did EVERYTHING wrong. I reacted VERY poorly, as it shocked me. As of late, things were as good as they'd ever been. I couldn't have come off as more desperate, needy, or crazy. It was beyond what I've ever done before.

 

This is what I realized (and I'm sorry this is getting long). I had been in pain management for about seven years, and on narcotic pain medication. I opted in the fall to go off of them, since the negative effects were starting to outweigh the benefits and that was only going to get worse. I know about PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome), and that after that many years, my body/brain were heavily dependent on those meds. Happens to everyone. Opiates trigger good chemicals in the brain, so once you go off of them, you have essentially no dopamine stores and it just take time (at minimum, months) for your brain to relearn/return to function without them. So depression is a side effect of that.

 

Having had reflection time, I believe that made my mistakes AND to my reaction to him. I know it doesn't EXCUSE it, but it offers some insight. It didn't even OCCUR to me at the time. But I am definitely still in the timeframe for PAWS. Coupled with already underlying depression? Horrible. I've taken some steps to help heal (the meds, the waiting list) but I also know it takes more time.

 

My ex, I know, won't contact me. He is too prideful if there was no other reason, but deep down I know he's just done. Despite that I keep hoping his message alert will go off on my phone. A part of me would like to offer the insight above to him, and to (again) apologize for my actions. We've had some communication, but the last was Friday and it didn't end well (I pushed. Again). If I were to try to do this, I would do what I could for him to know I won't do what I did at the time....public place, set a time limit, etc. I understand he may not want to hear it. I've been wrestling with this. I am petrified to try to contact him/even run into him at the current time, knowing how well he seems to be doing, I don't need the further humiliation. But I also don't want that to be his last impression of me, because it's not me, and with the work I need to do and am trying to do for myself, it won't be.

 

I've debated also waiting a bit and reaching out casually. When I did that last week, it started off chilly but improved. Then I wrecked that Friday by saying I missed him (KNEW I shouldn't have, did it anyway). I don't think he'd respond this time with either approach. I wouldn't blame him, either. There a couple things/"events," if you will, upcoming that are going to be hard for me to deal with aside from the holidays.

 

I have struggled so much with these thoughts. They race around my head all night long, I've barely slept in days. Two hours Thursday night, maybe four last night. I can hardly eat, even putting food in my mouth I can't stand, so it's difficult to force. I ate dinner on Thursday and not again until lunchtime Saturday, that time was a few bites and the rest late last night (because I knew I should). Made myself eat a little breakfast this morning, again only because I know I have to. It's not easy though. I already am fearing the night, because I'm afraid I won't sleep, which of course will make sleeping even harder.

 

If you've made it this far, I thank you. Any feedback, if you have any, would be appreciated.

 

I know no contact is what I need to do, and not to prove anything to him. Again, there's a little part of me that believes it will. I KNOW it's stupid.

Edited December 8, 2014 by Cherrybreeze

[eye of the storm]

CherryBreeze, First thing you have to do is relax and stop being so hard on yourself.

 

Accept that you are in a bad place right now. Do what you can to correct it. (hydrate, eat better, get moving, sleeping) Start taking positive steps to heal yourself.

 

One thing we do when we are in bad places is try to find the "easy" or quick way out. "If only X would come back things would be better" for example. We start looking for ways to meet our wants and we ignore our needs.

 

Wants are easier, more short term, and we want them. Its simple.

 

But is isn't always the best thing for us.

 

Right now, you have a storage locker full of things you NEED to work on. Your health, your depression, your PAWS. Fixing them will put you back on solid ground where you more able to have a healthy relationship. Even if this guy came back, your problems would still be there and you would repeat the same behaviors that damaged the relationship to begin with.

 

There is a reason that people in 12 step programs are strongly discouraged from starting new relationships. It is because they need to focus on fixing themselves first. Splitting your focus between recovery and a new relationship keeps you from succeeding at either of them.

 

Take care of you. Get to where you like you. Work on looking in the mirror and smiling at yourself.

 

Then when you are stable. Start looking for someone who will be a partner.

 

Good luck.

[Jet Lag]

I feel like I'm never going to get over this. I'm trying so hard not to break NC, but mostly at this point because I'm hoping he will, it's only been a couple days. I know it's stupid to hope, but I can't seem to let go of it. I also can't stop the tears tonight, so I thought posting would help. I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.

 

Hey Cherrybreeze

 

I think lots of us think like that.

 

I couldn't imagine that anyone felt as badly in their breakups as I did in mine because I had never been heart broken before. But, it appears they do.

 

It sucks. It isn't easy. You just have to have the belief that it does get better...because everyone keeps saying that. I know it is hard to believe at the moment...but some time in the future it will probably be us telling everyone else, that with time, it does get better.

 

In the mean time, there will be lots of pain, lots of tears. I cried every day for over two months. I think I may have had days without tears. Not very many of them but sometimes I only have tears for really short periods now.

 

Big hugs!