Guest19 Posted March 20, 2005 Posted March 20, 2005 I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly two years. We both go to seperate colleges very far apart. I love everything about her and we have been able to make the LDR work for this whole time. However since comming home from school this past summer her sex drive fell through the floor. Sex which formerly had been every day or several times a day fell to once every 3 or 4 days then to once a week. Each time I see her it seems like it gets worse. She came to Aruba with me for 10 days over winter break and we only had sex 3 times. She came to visit me at school staying with me at my house for 5 days and we had sex twice. I am now home for spring break and she slept over my house and spent the day with me before she had to go back to school (as our spring breaks overlapped by a mere day). We didnt even have sex. Beyond the low frequency the manner that the sex occurs is what concerns me as well. Everytime we have sex its only because I've had to constantly try for it. She has never in our 2 year relationship initiated sex with me but before it wasnt a problem because she would always be up for it and up for new things. Now when we have sex she lays there and wants no foreplay and just for the sex to be done with. She also refuses to do any foreplay for me. I have become increasingly frustrated because giving up sex for months at a time (at college- where you walk into any bar or party and its expected you'll bring someone home) to come home expected sex from the person I love and I don't even get it. I don't know what to do. I've spoken to her numerous times but all she says is that she doesnt want to talk about it. It then always turns into an arguement because she refuses to even discuss the matter. I don't know what to do. Before she left for school (last night) I told her that there was no reason for me to keep giving up sex at school for her when she wont even have sex with me. She told that it was fine and she didnt care if I slept with other people. I really dont know what to do because I wouldnt have a problem having one night stands that wouldnt turn into relationships just for sex but I also dont want to cheat on her and also dont want her to be hurt thinking that I am doing it to spite her. All I want is her to be more into sex and actually want to participate in it and I would be fine. If it was infrequent and was good I wouldnt care but its infrequent and bad. What should I do??
SoleMate Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 You're a bit young to consider giving up sex just because your partner doesn't care for it. If a young, healthy owman who was previously very sexual and responsive with you, starts to act like she couldn't care less about physical intimacy, I am afraid my mind jumps ahead to assume: * She is not interested in you anymore * She is getting it elsewhere * She is turned off by you * She doesn't love you (anymore) * The distance has put so much distance between you that her feelings have died off, and she stays "with" you becuase it's easier than the alternatives * She wanted to go to Aruba (was it on your nickel????) It's really hard to put a positive spin on this. If she were a new mother, or had some chronic illness, or were severely overworked, or had a mental illness such as depression, that would account for low sex drive. But you don't mention any such things. LDRs are very hard to maintain. You can't make many LOVE BANK deposits when you are not together. You can't touch her, dance with her, lie on the couch with her, take her out for meals, rub her feet, or rock her world when you are not together. Untended, love dies. Some people can keep holding on to hope, memories and phone calls, while others can't.
RecordProducer Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 Guest19, there are certain medications that kill the libido. Some of them are anti-depressants. Men or women who take them don't care about sex at all. It's not like when you're busy or excited with work and you don't think about sex, but basically with the right stimulation you would relax easily. Some substances affect the brain and the consumer is in no control of it. Everything about your GF tells me that there is something she is hiding. I don't see that she doesn't love you. Even if she shows less affection, including her permission to you to have sex with other people, is a consequence of the lack of libido. You shouldn't accuse her of lying and hiding things from you. Sometimes people are afraid of rejection and postpone the confession. The distance has made you more distant emotionally and she fears that you might not accept the news well. If my guess is correct, she probably thinks that her state (therapy) is temporary and there is no reason for her to lose points in your eyes when she can just hide it from you. Or tell you later. Especially now when she realized that sex means so much to you. You need to show understanding and talk to her. Don't say "no matter what you tell me I will still love you the same and not abandon you", because when you hear what she has to say, you might change your mind. Be prepared that she might have been diagnosed some mental disease and has been hiding it for a long time. I hope I am completely wrong about this. You must find it out from her. However if she won't tell you, perhaps you should talk to her parents or siblings or best friends. But it's a very delicate subject and you can't start the conversation talking about sex. You might as well search her things next time she visits you and see if she's taking some mysterious pills. Maybe it's not so nice to sneak around but she started the hiding game first.
JazzyFox Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer Be prepared that she might have been diagnosed some mental disease and has been hiding it for a long time. I hope I am completely wrong about this. You might as well search her things next time she visits you and see if she's taking some mysterious pills. Maybe it's not so nice to sneak around but she started the hiding game first. How did we make the leap to mental illness? Am I missing something? My 2 cents are that she is feeling emotionally distant. A very normal reaction given your LDR status. Since she no longer feels close to you, because you both are in such high-octane stages of your life, and so many things are happening to you both, that it's just impossible to share all of that with someone in a LDR. For example, when you talk or email, do you know all the ins and outs of her life, and vice-versa? Do you know who she hangs out with, what the latest gossip is ... the color of the last t-shirt she bought? These are the little mundane details that helps her connect with you. Because at one point, when there are just too many mundane details to cover, she stops telling you the stories that are affecting her. For example, if she hasn't told you that Jerry is her roommate, and that she caught her cheating on her boyfriend, and then her boyfriend was pasting hate mail on her door last night, and now she's just stressed out because of all the drama ... then she isn't telling you everything. And truth is, you make love with a woman's heart and her mind before her body. She probably still loves you, but doesn't know how to bridge the gap, and doesn't see any potential for improvement. So she is just trying to "go through the motions" ... but as you have noticed, that doesn't work. So sit down with her, talk to her. Hold her hand, stop making moves on her ... and make sure you connect with her 100% and constantly. Take the time to tell her all your mundane details, and keep track of hers. Ask for updates on the gossip. The sex will come after. p.s. and she probably did want to go to Aruba
caramelbrownchick Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 Ok I have a question for you, is this chick on anytype of birth control maybe the DEPO shot????? if so this may mean that all of her hormones are gone, I am on the DEPO right now and my sex drive is totally gone, when it wears out of my system I am gonna try a new method of birth control, this aint working for me lol.
caramelbrownchick Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 Ok I missed something you wrote, if she tells you its ok to sleep with other people she is either testing you to see if you will actually do it or she really no longer cares about you and she iis trying to break off the relationship with out actually having to do it herself. No one who really cares about a person wants them to sleep with other people, i don't care how low my sex drive is I don't want my man with someone else, if she is just your girlfriend and she is depriving you of sex, then imagine if the relationship continues maybe you marry her, womens sex drive even lowers when their older, it looks like a gloomy future for you if you continue with this chick.
RecordProducer Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 Jazzy, it's me who brought the possibility of her taking some medications that kill the libido. And why would she hide it unless it's something she's ashamed of? It could be that she doesn't love him anymore, but it also could be medical. Let's not attempt to estimate the ratio of probablity. I just gave him the idea and he should find out himself. It's not good for him to accuse her of having an affair if she's just ill. But, of course, I might be wrong and hope I am.
CurvyGurl Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 I agree with SoleMate. Women aren't like men in that we have an everlasting libido. It's kind of hard to 'spread ourselves around'. IMO if she was being faithful you should have had to pry her off of you for those 10 days.
RecordProducer Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 I have a high sex drive. In a regular relationship, I'd want it every day or at least almost every day. I am in a long-distance relationship myself and when my BF and I get together we do it twice a day. After all, her libido was normal before accoding to this guy's post.
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