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My wife is not honest with me and doesn't give ma a head

mrbrightside1985

By mrbrightside1985
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
I do not see this as controlling. I think all couples go through a little jealousy from time to time. Its clear she is just trying to convince you its ok so she can continue to allow him to come around. Women have some magical ability to think this is acceptable. After you have already informed it bothers you. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and you came here arguing to allow your xW around the animal and your wife is uncomfortable with her being around. I am sure people would say OH SHES Controlling. She needs to get with the times. You would be railed for not working with her and listening to her feelings.

 

I think OP you need to tell her she controls what she does and you can only control what you do. You have already told her this bothers you if she chooses to keep ignoring it your going to have to reevaluate your marriage.

 

If you don't establish good healthy boundaries for yourself people will walk all over you. Your wife is include in this statement.

 

Sorry but honestly if you have been married less than a year and she is already ignoring your feeling your marriage does not look to be in good shape.

 

Clay

 

You write as if he has the right to control her and if she doesn't comply then the marriage needs evaluating. It's HIS way or the highway... a great marriage. :rolleyes:

 

The dog issue can be easily solved by giving the ex the dog at the door, saying bye I'll see you back in an hour, 1/2 a day or next week, whatever is acceptable.

There is no need to ban anyone, nor is there any need for the wife to entertain the ex all afternoon to cups of tea and general chit chat, either.

 

People unfortunately have exes, they have pets, they have complicated relationships with all sorts of people, children, step-children, ex MIL, co- workers, grandparents, friends etc. etc.

No-one should have to exclude anyone or anything from their lives on the sayso of a peeved or jealous partner.

  • Like 1
Rainbowlove Established Member

Rainbowlove

Posted
Posted
Oh and you are so right. One of them is in the 50's, the other one is in the 60's burning her bra. Time to bring them both to the 21st century.

 

I'd burn my bra, if I wore one!!

 

Anyway, gender matters not to me here. If the OP was a female, I'd have the same reply. Jealousy, control, insecurity and lack of trust and communication.

Clay Established Member

Clay

Posted
Posted

I just simply disagree and I think if the shoe was on the other foot the OP would be blasted for allowing his xW around when his wife has stated she is uncomfortable with it.

 

 

You cant force people to do things and you cant force people to feel the way they do. If she wants her xH around then she is going to do it whether OP likes it or not. I am just simply saying if she is already discounting his feelings in the first year of marriage it might be a good idea to reevaluate the marriage.

 

If you read his responses it sure does not sound like he is trying to control and most controlling people move to some sort of violent outburst when there demand have not been met. If she feels he is to controlling for her she has the right to leave as well.

 

This is just my thoughts on the matter and I could be wrong. Its best to ask OP if he has demanded anything or had any violent outburst. Maybe even ask if the police has been involved from a domestic dispute.

 

Clay

Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted
I just simply disagree and I think if the shoe was on the other foot the OP would be blasted for allowing his xW around when his wife has stated she is uncomfortable with it.

 

 

You cant force people to do things and you cant force people to feel the way they do. If she wants her xH around then she is going to do it whether OP likes it or not. I am just simply saying if she is already discounting his feelings in the first year of marriage it might be a good idea to reevaluate the marriage.

 

If you read his responses it sure does not sound like he is trying to control and most controlling people move to some sort of violent outburst when there demand have not been met. If she feels he is to controlling for her she has the right to leave as well.

 

This is just my thoughts on the matter and I could be wrong. Its best to ask OP if he has demanded anything or had any violent outburst. Maybe even ask if the police has been involved from a domestic dispute.

 

Clay

 

Sorry but as someone with blended family and blended furbabies I disagree. What I appreciate is my ex and I can still intermingle and my husband intermingles with his ex and we don't throw hissy fits about it.

 

Jeez, what are we, peeing on our property? :rolleyes: This is very immature. Unless there is a history of cheating I think this ideal is unwarranted and will back fire.

  • Like 3
Clay Established Member

Clay

Posted
Posted

Well OP I think you have been given some good advice from both sides. I will say even though I am on the other side of the argument I do know people that have good relations with there x's. So it is quite possible you are over reacting but only you are going to be able to tell that.

 

 

Take some time to think about it. Seriously consider the marriage counseling.

 

 

Clay

  • Like 1
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mrbrightside1985 New Member

mrbrightside1985

Posted
  • Author
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Currently I'm considering marriage counseling. I will start it by myself becouse I'm sure that my wife won't agree to do that so maybe when I talk few times with the counselor I will have some ideas how to convince her to do that.

  • Like 2
NateGrey Established Member

NateGrey

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Everyone jumped on this guy for being controlling, but just to break it down: this is a dog, not a child. This woman told her husband she would lie to him so her ex lover could continue to see a dog. Read that sentence outloud and then ask yourself how full of nonsense it sounds?

 

The ex doesn't need to be in her life. This is a dog, not a child, stop treating it as such. Look, I love my pets, but the ex needs to get over it, get a new dog or something. His coming around to "walk" this dog is just causing problems. Is the dog really worth it? That is what people don't seem to get, they just see the guy as being controlling, but when your wife tells you flat out she is going to lie to your face just so her ex can see a frickin dog? You are insane if you are on the side of the wife here, because she handled this situation horribly.

 

So I would say either let the ex keep the dog full time, or you guys keep the dog and tell the ex to piss off and that he is an EX for a reason and he needs to get out of your life. Like I said, I've had pets before, I love them, BUT, I would not be wanting to creep around at my ex's place every now and then in order to see a dog we both used to own. I just think people focused on the wrong thing in this thread, that being this woman is apparently more then willing to lie to her husband just so some other dude can see a dog.

 

So to the OP, don't let these other posters make you think like the problems here are all with YOU, because that is 100% not the case. There are huge red flags being sent up by your wife. Her openness about how she will lie to you for the benefit of an ex is disturbing to me. Don't walk away from this thread thinking you did something thing. If you aren't comfortable with the ex being around you have that right, so for her to say she will just lie to you about it is insane. You can't control her, but you do have a say in what does or doesn't make you uncomfortable. Why is it so important to her that this dude get some time with the dog?

Edited by NateGrey
  • Like 5
NateGrey Established Member

NateGrey

Posted
Posted (edited)

Also I would not suggest getting counseling if she refuses to get it too, because then that sends the message that you are the only person with something that needs to be worked on, when sorry, that isn't the case.

 

I think you have to have a long talk with your wife about what her priorities are.

Edited by NateGrey
Rainbowlove Established Member

Rainbowlove

Posted
Posted

Men Are From Venus, Women Are From Mars?

 

Either way, marriage counseling is a step in the right direction.

 

Good luck!

  • Like 1
westernwhisky New Member

westernwhisky

Posted
Posted

1. Just like Nate said you have every right to be concerned with this stiuation. Affairs have started from much less. I don't know a man or woman who would be OK with their spouse's ex coming over to hang out with the dog, even with children the ex, in my observations, justs picks them up.

 

2. The honesty part is your biggest concern. I see two possible scenarios here.

 

she means what she said and is will willing to lie to do what she wants instead of working out your problem and compromising on the situation. If this is the case, start the divorce paper work now, don't wait another day. Your marriage is doomed. The stress involved in not being able to trust your wife will eat you alive. Pretty soon you will be doing stupid **** like monitoring her email or setting traps to catch her cheating.

 

The second scenario, and from what I read, the more likely of the two. You backed her into a corner by questioning her trust, and she made an equally emothional response that she has no intention of following through on. In this case, you both have some back pedaling to do. You need to apologize for questioning her trust, but make it clear that situation causes you stress and make you feel insecure. She needs recognize how a situation like this one could put stress on a relationship. She also needs to apoloaize for her comment. But a compromise needs to be reached.

 

3. Dollars to doughnuts her ex is not coming over to walk the dog. He still has feeling for your wife and wants wiggle his way back into her bed. You maybe able to trust your wife but don't trust this guy at all. He's a guy, enough said. The problem arises when your marriage hits a slump, this dude will be there to listen and comfort her in her time of need.

 

4. One more thing you need to watch out for. For most men, love is very closely tied to sex and physical contact. When, not if, the intimacy starts decline. Some men can have bad reactions. Including feeling unloved or abandoned which can lead to frustration, anger, rage, and resentment. It's every common for men to start questioning their spouse's fidelity under these conditions. Bottom line make sure you're not questioning your wife's loyalty without just cause. You could very well have loving and trustworthy wife, and a lack of intimacy maybe causing you to sabotage your marriage

  • Like 2
Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

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Posted

A dog is causing all of this strife in a marriage???? A dog??? Are you kidding me?

 

Look this is not a child. There is no reason he re needs to be coming over to visit his former dog. I see three options. 1. Give the dog to him. 2. Buy him another dog and say see ya. 3. Tell him to get over the damn dog already and get a life.

  • Like 3
NateGrey Established Member

NateGrey

Posted
Posted

It's just hard for me to wrap my head about how a wife could tell her husband flat out she is going to lie to him about another guy. Frankly I don't care if the OP was being horribly unfair, what is the point of the relationship if you know you are going to lie? If this woman is so brazen as to say it to his face who knows what else she lies about?

 

I guess I just feel that maybe even if she did feel like her H was overstepping his bounds..she just made it worse. This is like if you see your house on fire and you go toss some gasoline into it. I flat out could not trust anything this woman told me after she flat out tells me to my face she will lie to me all so an ex can see a dog. So I still am amazed at some of the responses this guy got, as if he was the only issue. In fact, maybe these people just did not read the part about her saying to his face she will lie? That is the only conclusion I could come to.

  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

I feel some men on here are letting their feelings re male dominance over women show.

She probably made a promise to the ex that he could see his dog. She is an adult, she is allowed to make and keep promises, no?

To some on here she is merely an extension of the OP, if he doesn't like something, she has to comply, or else she is out.

Surely this is 2014 not 1914.

:rolleyes:

  • Like 1
angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

Posted
Posted (edited)
...

Yes maybe I'm scared and insecure becouse I'm not a rock star when it comes to the women. I tried to change many times, however it never happened. Maybe then it's better for me to become single.

 

I don't think you are doomed to be single, but I do think you need to work through your insecurities if you want a truly healthy, happy relationship with your wife. If you don't, you'll likely sabotage not just your marriage, but future relationships as well.

 

In any long-term relationship, you also have to learn to pick your battles. If you fight to the bitter end on every minor issue, you'll destroy the relationship. Ask yourself: is the other dog owner visiting their dog every couple of months really worth losing your marriage? If you're that concerned, suggest he visits while you are also present.

 

Ultimatums or threatening divorce if you don't get your way will only backfire on you. There are more productive ways to resolve conflict and disagreements.

Edited by angel.eyes
  • Like 3
Rainbowlove Established Member

Rainbowlove

Posted
Posted
4. One more thing you need to watch out for. For most men, love is very closely tied to sex and physical contact. When, not if, the intimacy starts decline. Some men can have bad reactions. Including feeling unloved or abandoned which can lead to frustration, anger, rage, and resentment. It's every common for men to start questioning their spouse's fidelity under these conditions. Bottom line make sure you're not questioning your wife's loyalty without just cause. You could very well have loving and trustworthy wife, and a lack of intimacy maybe causing you to sabotage your marriage

 

Keep in mind that while according to westernwhisky, men equate physical contact with love and intimacy, most women need to have an emotional connection with their partner to be physical (sex). If the emotionally relationship is damaged by (not trusting and jealous) behavior then yes, the physical relationship will probably decrease or cease.

  • Like 2
NateGrey Established Member

NateGrey

Posted
Posted (edited)
I feel some men on here are letting their feelings re male dominance over women show.

She probably made a promise to the ex that he could see his dog. She is an adult, she is allowed to make and keep promises, no?

To some on here she is merely an extension of the OP, if he doesn't like something, she has to comply, or else she is out.

Surely this is 2014 not 1914.

:rolleyes:

 

Dominance over women? Don't be silly. This woman told her husband straight to his face she would lie to him so this other guy she used to date could see a dog. That is messed up, and how you could go from someone seeing that as messed up to "this is 2014 not 1914" is baffling.

 

You say she is an adult? Okay, so she should act like one. Telling your husband you are going to lie to him, especially when it is concerning another man, is not the behavior of an adult.

 

Of course she doesn't have to comply, if her ex boyfriend getting to spend time with the dog is THAT important to her, then hey that is on her. But it doesn't mean the OP has to be okay with that.

Edited by NateGrey
slizl Established Member

slizl

Posted
Posted

Dog, Kid, whatever. All I know is there is ZERO reason for her to be seeing her ex freaking boyfriend now that she is married. Sorry, that ain't gonna fly in my world. (unless they have a kid together or it is a BF from years and years ago).

NateGrey Established Member

NateGrey

Posted
Posted

 

Not more important then your spouse or your marriage though. Not important enough to say to your husband "I am going to lie to your face from now on so a guy I used to sleep with can see the dog".

 

Or if the pet is that important to her then it is time for a divorce. No reason to stay with a woman who will lie to you just so her ex can see a damn dog.

  • Like 1
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
Not more important then your spouse or your marriage though. Not important enough to say to your husband "I am going to lie to your face from now on so a guy I used to sleep with can see the dog".

 

Or if the pet is that important to her then it is time for a divorce. No reason to stay with a woman who will lie to you just so her ex can see a damn dog.

 

Especially a wife that won't give you head and makes fun of you for it......

NateGrey Established Member

NateGrey

Posted
Posted

Making fun of him for that just seems so unnecessarily cruel. Like a little kid burning ants with a magnifying glass.

 

OP, serious question: why do you stay with a woman who makes fun of you? I wonder what she would do if you made fun of HER for the whole thing with her ex and the damn dog? Probably not like it, right? I think a part of your wife genuinely disdains you OP, I'm sorry for that. I hope since your last post you have put your foot down about this dog issue, that ex definitely doesn't get to be around anymore, not when your wife laughs at your pain and admits she will deceive you in the future. This is really not about a dog anymore, he has to go just on general principle now. You don't get to make fun of your H for wanting a BJ while at the same time telling him you will lie so another man can see a dog.

  • 3 weeks later...
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mrbrightside1985 New Member

mrbrightside1985

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hi again,

 

It's been a while since my last visit here.

First of all I would like to thank all of you for your replies, which gave me a lot of thinking. I've also met with sex therapist and she discovered some interesting things.

 

Unfortunately I don't know what is going on with the dog right now, I know that back then there was no meeting with the dog, but since then I don't know. I didn't ask more, becouse I am afraid of an agrument.

 

Maybe laughing at me that I want a BJ was a little bit wrong and it's not like that in 100%, she just don't wan't to do that and always when I try to get one she is moving her head away and tells to stop. She told me that I should take a shower before she starts so then maybe one day she will give me one, but it didn't help also. I work in the office and I'm rather clean and in my opinion I don't smell bad, my gf before my wife didn't have any problems with that.

 

I think that my biggest problem is that I'm not assertive, becouse I know that if I tell her everything what I wrote here and even more then it may not end not good...

 

For example if I tell her that not giving me a head hurts me - she will tell me that before that it wasn't a big issue for me.

 

When I tell her to stop seeing the dog - she will say that it's a poor dog etc.

 

For everything I say that she does wrong she just says, that it's not true and that's all my fault and I always loose the battle, becouse she never says that something is her fault, it's always my fault.

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