Trying to move on from an emotionally abusive relationship

[MovingOnIsHard]

It's been approximately 3 weeks since I've finally stepped away from almost a year of dating my ex, who I'm 99.9% sure has some kind of personality disorder (likely bpd)

 

Background:

 

I'm currently 25 and he's 27. I met this guy on a dating site last December, just after ending a pseudo-relationship with a guy who i've been txting/sending pics for a few months. The first time meeting him in person, I was smitten. There was something about his eyes (like puppy-dog eyes) and charming smile that just melted my heart. Needless to say, I slept with him the first night (I've never done that ever in my life). Part of me regretted it but for the most part, I wanted it… I thought to myself "I'm going to make this guy mine". The sex was phenomenal; very passionate, and I felt we were on the same wavelength. When he had gone home late that night, I hoped that it wasn't going to end up like some one-night stand.

 

We ended up seeing each other again a couple more times at my place. I spent New Year's Eve with him at his place and stayed over.

 

Early in January, I had to leave overseas for a couple of weeks to visit family. And during that time, I couldnt' stop thinking about him.. We would email each other every day, even with the 12-hr difference in timezones, we would somehow make it work.. In his emails, he would say how much he missed me and wished I was with him.. and at some point, he revealed to me that he sometimes felt "abandoned" by the fact that I wasn't with him.

 

Coming back from my vacation, he picked me up at work (at the time, I didnt' have a car yet) and gave me roses. On that night, he revealed to me that he loved me… This is middle of January, maybe a month since we first saw each other. I was taken aback, but happy, with his revelation, because I felt the same way, too. I said I loved him back.

 

I thought I had finally found someone who reciprocated my feelings back. I was in Cloud Nine.

 

However, after another month, tension started to happen between us. Keep in mind, I identify myself as strongly emotional, and I cry very easily.

 

There was one night we got into an argument and I started to bawl my eyes out, something about him being distant and emotionless at times, and that I couldn't cope with it. Instead of being comforting, he stormed out of the bedroom and insisted on sleeping on the couch, and said "in the morning I want you to leave". He pretty much broke up with me that night.

 

In the morning, I became clingy and even when he drove me to the bus stop, I insisted on not getting on the bus (we lived in different cities). He got frustrated and said, "there's nothing special about me, you'll find someone else.. maybe you'll even meet someone on that bus that will be more compatible with you". I ended up missing the bus even with him telling me to get off his car.. He got angry and drove us away.. I asked him where we were going and he said he would drop me off at another bus stop and "you're on your own". I was devastated. It just seemed so sudden to me, that this guy who just showered me with compliments and praises of love would just dump me somewhere.

 

But I never got to that bus stop. Instead, he stopped by at a store and said he needed to buy something. I went inside with him, we started browsing around… he found a glass (drinking) and he said "I have the exact same one, I'll buy this so you can have one as well" In my head, I'm thinking "WTF?". But I went along with his sudden change of attitude.

 

I never went home that morning.. he drove us back to his place, he made us lunch, we ate together, cuddled next to him and he put his arm around me… and suddenly we were back together again. I didn't understand what was happening, but I went along with it. All I know is I wanted to be with him and didn't want to lose him. But the past 24 hrs was so f*cked up that it physically made me ill..

 

This kind of situation repeated itself at least twice a month.. Him suddenly feeling cold and distant.. break up with me over some benign argument.. I chase him until we both make up. Every time we made up, I always thought "this is going to be different.. we'll work through our problems." But it just kept repeating itself… and I always run back to him. And every time I get him back, I feel sick and spiteful (because of the way he was letting this happen over and over again).

 

Examples of conflicts:

 

1. He was wary of me and accused me of cheating because I had a lock on my phone (I've always had a lock on my phone for privacy reasons) and many other inane reasons. For ex. he went to my place and saw a pillow placed on the middle of my bed and from that, triggered in him that I may be sleeping with someone else behind his back. His reasoning? "there's only one reason why that pillow's in that position… obviously you had it under your hip during sex with another guy." And he also concluded I slept with one of the guys who was in the elevator with us because he looked at me and smiled.. I couldnt even recall what that person's face looked like! Didnt even think any of it. But my ex never said any of this until we broke up the next day after these incidents… I had no idea this was brewing in his head. We went back and forth arguing via txt (he refused to answer my phone calls) over this, me trying to put some sense in his head. He made me pack all my things from his place, take the bus, and go to my parents' home.. even when I had already planned the weekend with him. When I tried to talk things through with him, he ignored me, played video games. I tried touching him he yelled at me not to.. and if I didnt leave, he'd call the cops on me. WTF?

 

2. Accused me of abandoning him many times.. Like if I chose to go to my dance class instead of hanging out with him all day. I have been attending my classes every week because it's my passion.. it got to the point where I felt guilty and ended up missing a lot of classes… until I ended up not going at all. He used to go to judo 3-4 times a week in the beginning of our relationship, but for some reason, he stopped going. He said it's because he wanted to be with me instead and he misses me too much.

In January, he had walked away from a job that he had worked in for 2yrs… since he stopped working, things started to go downhill.. him going to judo less, working out less… he just became a recluse. And during his unemployment, he became very bored and became more obsessed with sexual fetishes, porn, video games, eating more… and having conflicts with me.

 

3. He had been cheating with me online. He said he never met any of these people but who knows. I called him out on it because I found he had another dating profile up which clearly said he was looking for someone. We were still in a relationship at this point. I was upset and I said I didnt want to be with him anymore because he broke my trust. I confronted him about it, I asked him if he was cheating on me.. he said no. I asked him if he was flirting with girls online, he said "define flirting". He seemed distant during our conversation, had a blank look on his face. He then accused me of cheating too because I still had my profile up… yet I told him it's been there unattended and I just forgot about it. It still had the same info as it did before I met him.

We reconciled over this and agreed to delete both our profiles (which we both did together)…

 

A few more months down the road, we continued our pattern of breaking up/making up to the point where I started learning to anticipate them coming… one day he told me not to come over to his place, despite us planning it the day before. He said he just wanted to be alone. He said nothing was wrong but I knew better.

 

So I search for him on that same dating site.. and unsurprisingly, he was there again with a new profile. It hurt me so much. I messaged him on facebook (his phone service got cancelled because he apparently forgot to pay his bills) and asked him what was wrong. He said he wanted to break things off with me… then asked me "are you attracted to someone else?". I said "No. Are you?" He said "I think I am". I lost it. I accused him of cheating behind my back, being active on a dating site again before breaking up with me… but then after a couple more messages, I changed my tune and decided this was for the best. I told him I was done with him. He still sounded bitter and accused me of cheating, not appreciating him, abandoning him…. that those were the reasons he gravitated towards talking to women online. I don't think he ever took responsibility for what he did to me. Just that it was all my fault.

 

He never stopped messaging me. Asked me what I was doing, if I was seeing someone.. I said no and he asked "why not?" Just bizzare. He then proposed we become friends, that he wanted me as back up.. I lost it and told him to screw off. He asked me if I wanted his new number (turned out he never had a new number) as he had gotten a new phone but I said "no". But then he changed his tune, from not wanting to be with me to asking to have "one last night of passion" to outright begging me to come back to him because he felt he was "losing the person I wanted to marry". He begged me for my phone number (his old phone wouldnt turn on anymore so he basically lost my number) because he wanted to talk to me.

 

He was raving at this point. Messaging me that he wanted to see me at my place. I told him no and if he were to come to my apt I would not be there. He freaked out and said "are you already seeing someone??". He made all sorts of promises, said he would stop talking ot girls online everytime he felt like crap and that he would move in with me to my city (which he had said in the past he would NEVER do). He wanted to make up with me and I told him I didnt want to because he obviously has some mental issues and I would only go back to him if he was committed to getting some professional help. He then said he would and he had called the crisis line and gotten hold of a therapist. I caved in and finally called him. I met him the next day, he looked like hell and hadnt showered.. He looked pitiful. I forgave him and I said that we would get back together only if we took it slow and he focused on working with his therapist.

 

He only lasted 2 sessions… After the first session, he talked about his therapist giddily, said she was nice to talk to.. even wondered openly if she was married because of her last name… the therapist is about 50yrs old.

 

The second session was apparently horrible and he described her to me as being "sexist". He got mad about something she said about "male mentality". He disagreed with her, saying it has nothing to do with that.. that his problems are an individual thing. I asked him exactly what she said, played devil's advocate, and he got mad… said I also had a chip on my shoulder. Said I was not a good girlfriend because I was being unsupportive. I was just trying to reason with him, trying to get him to stay into therapy.

 

Despite another breakup after that, via txt, we made up again. It wasn't long after that he went into one of his moods and pulled the plug on us again.

 

He said "If you have any respect for me, you'll let me go"

 

Then I said "No one's forcing you to stay. You do what you want". Inside, I was heartbroken. But I also knew, this was for the best..

 

He txted me the next day, saying that he won't date just yet out of respect for our relationship.. that he didnt want to forget about me. He apologized. I just gave him a short answer. Then later that day, he txted me again, saying he knew I was cheating and that he forgave me for it.. that hopefully one day, I'll come clean to him. I was livid. Txted him angrily a couple of times, him being callous.. I finally told him to leave me alone. He said "fine." He never txted me again and I didnt either.

 

I blocked him on FB. But he emailed me a few times since we broke up..

 

I have been adamant about not reconciling with him. But it still hurts.

 

I suppose I'm just trying to get by day by day right now…