Blakely Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I'm sure I'll get some heat, but I'm struggling to get over being led on and lied to. Here's the thing, We first met in April and went from hanging out every week to going weeks W/O talking (after we slept together of course). I waited 3 months before having sex wih him, only after he expressed to me several times he wasn't only after sex. I can count on one hand how many times I contacted him first. That's how often he was contacting me in beginning. Everytime I do contact him, he answers the phone and texts back within minutes. After we slept together, he completely changed though. Only thing he asks me to do now, is go to his house or come over to my place. It's always last minute too...which means he doesn't know if he'll want to see me, so he waits to see how he's feeling, or Im his last option. I feel completely used and played. I definitely caught some feelings for him as much I as I want to dislike him. I realllllly want to get even with him somehow. I feel like it's the only way I'm going to be able to move on without looking back in regret. So, I need to be very smooth with how i go about this, if I even do anything. He's a church going guy and very cautious of his reputation. Looking back on it and realizing how fake he is, it makes my stomach turn. HE's about 10 years older than me, very very good looking, and a very good time. Ladies love him, men want to be him. I've never met anyone who knows him who didn't have nice things to say about him. I doubt I could talk negative about him to people in person, even after being treated this way by him. All of my friends who don't know him personally warned me, and told me not to get involved with him. I guess I want him to take responsibility for playing with my feelings. Maybe by calling him more and inviting him places, he'll have to either tell me he's not interested or he'll stop communicating with me all together. I just don't want to let him off the hook easily, he needs to man up and be real with me. In the begging and over time getting to know me, he saw I'm not the clingy type and probably thought I was a little disconnected emotionally, maybe thinking I would brush off his non sense and not make him face the music. I just need closure with him. I'm searching for some advice if anyone has any. Please don't tell me to just go NC(no contact) as I don't like to completely avoid communication bc it leaves too many things unresolved.
Redhead14 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I'm sure I'll get some heat, but I'm struggling to get over being led on and lied to. Here's the thing, We first met in April and went from hanging out every week to going weeks W/O talking (after we slept together of course). I waited 3 months before having sex wih him, only after he expressed to me several times he wasn't only after sex. I can count on one hand how many times I contacted him first. That's how often he was contacting me in beginning. Everytime I do contact him, he answers the phone and texts back within minutes. After we slept together, he completely changed though. Only thing he asks me to do now, is go to his house or come over to my place. It's always last minute too...which means he doesn't know if he'll want to see me, so he waits to see how he's feeling, or Im his last option. I feel completely used and played. I definitely caught some feelings for him as much I as I want to dislike him. I realllllly want to get even with him somehow. I feel like it's the only way I'm going to be able to move on without looking back in regret. So, I need to be very smooth with how i go about this, if I even do anything. He's a church going guy and very cautious of his reputation. Looking back on it and realizing how fake he is, it makes my stomach turn. HE's about 10 years older than me, very very good looking, and a very good time. Ladies love him, men want to be him. I've never met anyone who knows him who didn't have nice things to say about him. I doubt I could talk negative about him to people in person, even after being treated this way by him. All of my friends who don't know him personally warned me, and told me not to get involved with him. I guess I want him to take responsibility for playing with my feelings. Maybe by calling him more and inviting him places, he'll have to either tell me he's not interested or he'll stop communicating with me all together. I just don't want to let him off the hook easily, he needs to man up and be real with me. In the begging and over time getting to know me, he saw I'm not the clingy type and probably thought I was a little disconnected emotionally, maybe thinking I would brush off his non sense and not make him face the music. I just need closure with him. I'm searching for some advice if anyone has any. Please don't tell me to just go NC(no contact) as I don't like to completely avoid communication bc it leaves too many things unresolved. It may represent closure to you, but to him it feeds his ego to know that a woman just can't let it go. It makes you look weak. Getting even is stooping to his level. Move on with dignity and grace.
Author Blakely Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 Sidenote:: I can't (won't) swallow my pride and admit to him that he hurt me by leading me on. I also hooked up (Didn't have sex) with another man, during our first lapse in communication. They do have mutual friends, not sure if he found out about this or not. I ended up telling the guy I wasn't interested because he and his ex are in the middle of a messy breakup & have a 3 year old son together. He was hurt, but understood.
Author Blakely Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 It may represent closure to you, but to him it feeds his ego to know that a woman just can't let it go. It makes you look weak. Getting even is stooping to his level. Move on with dignity and grace. Ugh. I just need closure. I really want him to admit he led me on and isn't the nice guy he betrays to be.
mammasita Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 You're not going to get closure from anyone but yourself. That's just the way it is. 3
Zahara Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 How does getting even with someone who has used you equate to you asking him out and contacting him more in hopes of provoking a reaction from him, and one that helps you move on? Unless somewhere in your post I didn't catch you actually say you'd like to defame him. Accept that he wasn't the person you thought he was and take accountability for your own decision to keep engaging someone that you knew was using you and the fact that you ignored the warnings of people that were trying to protect you. Once you do that, you will be able to let this go. You don't have to push him to reject you to accept that he wants to move on. He is showing you that you need to move. You move on because YOU choose to walk away with your self-respect and dignity intact and because you will not allow any man to treat you the way he has. It's one thing to want it to be resolved when two parties need to come to closure. Unfortunately, you need him to release you for you to resolve it in your head. Your need to keep communication open is your inability to let go.
Redhead14 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Ugh. I just need closure. I really want him to admit he led me on and isn't the nice guy he betrays to be. He may or may not do that. If he does it, it will be all about his ego and he will essentially rub it in your face. Or he will continue with the facade and you will walk away with nothing more than you have now. Do your yourself a favor, just let it be. It will hurt no matter what and you will spend a certain amount of time hurting over a man who isn't worth it and maybe stunt your ability to move forward in dating.
lil hoodlum Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I'm sure I'll get some heat, but I'm struggling to get over being led on and lied to. Here's the thing, We first met in April and went from hanging out every week to going weeks W/O talking (after we slept together of course). I waited 3 months before having sex wih him, only after he expressed to me several times he wasn't only after sex. I can count on one hand how many times I contacted him first. That's how often he was contacting me in beginning. Everytime I do contact him, he answers the phone and texts back within minutes. After we slept together, he completely changed though. Only thing he asks me to do now, is go to his house or come over to my place. It's always last minute too...which means he doesn't know if he'll want to see me, so he waits to see how he's feeling, or Im his last option. I feel completely used and played. I definitely caught some feelings for him as much I as I want to dislike him. I realllllly want to get even with him somehow. I feel like it's the only way I'm going to be able to move on without looking back in regret. So, I need to be very smooth with how i go about this, if I even do anything. He's a church going guy and very cautious of his reputation. Looking back on it and realizing how fake he is, it makes my stomach turn. HE's about 10 years older than me, very very good looking, and a very good time. Ladies love him, men want to be him. I've never met anyone who knows him who didn't have nice things to say about him. I doubt I could talk negative about him to people in person, even after being treated this way by him. All of my friends who don't know him personally warned me, and told me not to get involved with him. I guess I want him to take responsibility for playing with my feelings. Maybe by calling him more and inviting him places, he'll have to either tell me he's not interested or he'll stop communicating with me all together. I just don't want to let him off the hook easily, he needs to man up and be real with me. In the begging and over time getting to know me, he saw I'm not the clingy type and probably thought I was a little disconnected emotionally, maybe thinking I would brush off his non sense and not make him face the music. I just need closure with him. I'm searching for some advice if anyone has any. Please don't tell me to just go NC(no contact) as I don't like to completely avoid communication bc it leaves too many things unresolved. A few questions asking for more information. Why were there weeks with out any communication? Why have you only contacted him "less that the fingers on your hand?" Why do you feel that he likely thought you were a little disconnected emotionally?
Frank2thepoint Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 For an emotionally distant person, you are really obsessed with this guy. In the begging and over time getting to know me, he saw I'm not the clingy type and probably thought I was a little disconnected emotionally, maybe thinking I would brush off his non sense and not make him face the music. This right here explains the reason the guy used you for sex. You were emotionally disconnected, so he figured since there's no real emotion, he can just have detached sex with you. The other problem is you lead him to believe that you wouldn't care about his behavior. Lastly, you don't seem to know what you really want. If you really want a relationship, you wouldn't have worried about being a bit clingy, if you would have established that you want a relationship before having sex with him. In fact, you've admitted that he is a great catch. Good looking to you and to other women. So it seems it was more of a prize thing for you to win his attention, than actually get him to commit to you.
Author Blakely Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 A few questions asking for more information. Why were there weeks with out any communication? Why have you only contacted him "less that the fingers on your hand?" Why do you feel that he likely thought you were a little disconnected emotionally? He went out of town, we spoke the night before he left(I contacted him, we spoke briefly and he said he'd call me back.) I bought a home and was busy moving in and he finally text me 3 weeks after our last phone call. He wanted to make sure I was okay and wondering why he hadn't heard from me. I never had to contact him first in the beginning because he didn't give me a chance to. He took the initiative. He was moving things along rather fast when we first met, and I told him I wanted to take things slowly. This is were I feel like he may have backed off to let me take the lead, which Eventually led us to where we are now. Idk. I'm just confused and want to hear it from him, I can handle rejection. I feel like he owes me at least that much. Maybe I need to come right out and ask him why he pulled away.
Redhead14 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I'm sure I'll get some heat, but I'm struggling to get over being led on and lied to. Here's the thing, We first met in April and went from hanging out every week to going weeks W/O talking (after we slept together of course). I waited 3 months before having sex wih him, only after he expressed to me several times he wasn't only after sex. I can count on one hand how many times I contacted him first. That's how often he was contacting me in beginning. Everytime I do contact him, he answers the phone and texts back within minutes. After we slept together, he completely changed though. Only thing he asks me to do now, is go to his house or come over to my place. It's always last minute too...which means he doesn't know if he'll want to see me, so he waits to see how he's feeling, or Im his last option. I feel completely used and played. I definitely caught some feelings for him as much I as I want to dislike him. I realllllly want to get even with him somehow. I feel like it's the only way I'm going to be able to move on without looking back in regret. So, I need to be very smooth with how i go about this, if I even do anything. He's a church going guy and very cautious of his reputation. Looking back on it and realizing how fake he is, it makes my stomach turn. HE's about 10 years older than me, very very good looking, and a very good time. Ladies love him, men want to be him. I've never met anyone who knows him who didn't have nice things to say about him. I doubt I could talk negative about him to people in person, even after being treated this way by him. All of my friends who don't know him personally warned me, and told me not to get involved with him. I guess I want him to take responsibility for playing with my feelings. Maybe by calling him more and inviting him places, he'll have to either tell me he's not interested or he'll stop communicating with me all together. I just don't want to let him off the hook easily, he needs to man up and be real with me. In the begging and over time getting to know me, he saw I'm not the clingy type and probably thought I was a little disconnected emotionally, maybe thinking I would brush off his non sense and not make him face the music. I just need closure with him. I'm searching for some advice if anyone has any. Please don't tell me to just go NC(no contact) as I don't like to completely avoid communication bc it leaves too many things unresolved. You want him to take responsibility for your feelings? 1
FitChick Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 There is an expression: Living well is the best revenge. Find someone else and be happy in your new house. 3
Author Blakely Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 he wasn't a prize to me, I don't place vaule on a persons looks. I usually don't date super attractive men because I've yet to meet any who are humble. At first, I wasn't sure what I was looking for. I tried to take thinks slowly and not get ahead of myself. He's the first guy I've felt a connection with in a while. Maybe I simply pushed him away. I made some mistakes at first, like trying to guard my feelings and keep them at bay? I'm queen of mixed signals, guess Karma is teaching me a life lesson. or I've met my match.
Eighty_nine Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I think it's perfectly ok to seek some resolution, in a classy way of course. Maintaining every ounce of ones pride is not THEE single most important aspect of ending not-great relationships. don't think many posters would agree though. 1
Author Blakely Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 (edited) For an emotionally distant person, you are really obsessed with this guy. This right here explains the reason the guy used you for sex. You were emotionally disconnected, so he figured since there's no real emotion, he can just have detached sex with you. The other problem is you lead him to believe that you wouldn't care about his behavior. Lastly, you don't seem to know what you really want. If you really want a relationship, you wouldn't have worried about being a bit clingy, if you would have established that you want a relationship before having sex with him. In fact, you've admitted that he is a great catch. Good looking to you and to other women. So it seems it was more of a prize thing for you to win his attention, than actually get him to commit to you. I actually made it very clear that I was worried about being led on and only seen as a piece of meat. I didn't kiss him until our 3rd date. Didn't sleep with him the 10 times he tried to, and it wasn't easy trust me! And who here knows what they really want? I know what kind of man I want, the problem is finding him. I think when the right man comes along, things will fall into place. I don't have a pre written fairytale that I'm trying to live or "act" out. Also, I didn't say I was emotionally disconnected. I feel like may have assumed I was because I didnt open up to him. I know for a fact that women usually chase him and overload him with how much they want to be with him. That's just not my style and I've been misunderstood by men in the past. Edited December 3, 2014 by Blakely
Author Blakely Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 thanks for the advice so far. I'll take care of it from here.
Recommended Posts