I'm so done with my family

[pink_sugar]

So for those of you who followed my Thanksgiving thread, that's where this starts. We originally were not going to go to TG dinner with my mom's side of the family as my brother was being a douche and insisted we pay $20 or not come. We were going to choose to not come. Then we were told it would be fine to pay $10 and bring the pie/dessert (which I slaved for an hour and a half making after work the night before travelling). Well, behind our backs, when my mom arrived on TG day, my grandmother said she fronted the $20 for both of us (despite what we agreed) and made my mom pay our share. A few days later, my mom tells me she had to pay an extra $10 for us. This was because my brother told my grandmother he HAD to have the money before the dinner and my grandmother just fronted the money for everyone and even overdrew her bank account because she didn't have the money. I mean, really?

 

My grandmother should not be fronting money for ANYONE, we all told her to just worry about paying her share. But because she fronted the money we didn't agree to, she made my mom pay for it, because she didn't want to ask us! And not only that, but because my mom unknowingly fronted this money, she tacked it onto the rent bill and tried to beat around the bush with why our rent bill was an extra $5. We had a big argument about it last night. If we would have known any of this, we would have NOT GONE to dinner! But my mom was the one who insisted we go and just pay $10 and it will be fine. But behind our backs, we were duped for the extra $10.

 

I am so done with this family. The dinner wasn't even worth it. My brother got to choose what he wanted. There was no veggie dishes...just a bunch of starch and carbs and everyone felt sick afterwards. No leftovers. I feel screwed over. I did not ask my mom or my grandmother to front an extra $10 for us. If I would have known this would happen, we would have not gone. I just feel it's so unfair to pay up for something I didn't agree to. I don't even want to attend any further family events and I cannot trust my mom. I am dying to move out, but unstable work has prevented us from doing so. Hopefully, we will be able to move in January. I just feel so taken advantage of. I don't know what to do anymore. My mom was the one who insisted we go anyways and just pay the $10 and now wants us to pay this extra $10, because she did not say no to my grandmother.

[Rainbowlove]

Hi Pink,

 

I'm fairly new here.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what's the root of your anger? Is it money? Is it your brother? Is it your mom?

 

Sounds like a lot of drama here and I'm not quite sure what's really going on by your post. I hear frustration directed to all kinds of people, but I don't hear a whole lot of your feelings...

 

What are you feeling besides frustrated and angry?

[pink_sugar]

I guess it's more about the principle of what happened than the money itself. I am trying to properly enforce boundaries with my family, but it's been difficult to do living at home since I'm always given crap for my decisions. My brother never contributes anything at family gatherings and I also just didn't agree with forking out $10 a person, because I didn't think it was cost effective. We were originally not going to go if we had to pay $20, since it's already costly just travelling to make the dinner. But we agreed on paying $10 and the pies, but behind my back, money was exchanged for our share and then after TG, we're expected to pay another $10. I just feel like we had no choice in the matter and that my family just sorta screwed us over into going. My mom said $10 was fine and then pays the extra $10 to my grandmother and wants the rest later. Sort of like being scammed into a loan you didn't want or something like that. My trust was broken by my mom lying about the rent to recoup the $10 and I am angry with my family for agreeing to something and then changing their minds later on it.

[Art_Critic]

I say you just pay the extra rent, let it all go and on the last month you are to live there you short her 10$ on the rent

 

Family's suck sometimes but it's times like these that you must be the bigger person pay it and smooth out the wrinkles..and then keep your eye out for the next Thanksgiving your family decides to have..

 

By the way.. is anybody actually making any money on the deal or was the total bill evenly split ?

[me85]

Do yourself a favor and distance yourself from your family. Just because they are your relatives does not mean you have to like/love or be around them. I distanced myself from my family years ago and it's the best thing I ever did for myself.

[Rainbowlove]

I just feel like we had no choice in the matter and that my family just sorta screwed us over into going.

 

This is important. Feeling like you have no choice and getting screwed over.

 

I'm sure you know this is deeper than 10 bucks, it's deeper than Thanksgiving dinner, it's deeper than Mom tacking on additional rent money.

 

I hear a lot of resent regarding your bother. I hear a lot of resentment regarding your mother.

 

Choice? We all have a choice. I agree, it's hard to set up boundaries living with your mother. For now, this is your reality. I think there's so much resentment at this point with your family, anything that takes place is going to set you off and cause friction.

 

Thanksgiving is over. It's done. You can't change it or fix it. Pay the additional money. Focus on setting up boundaries for Christmas.

 

What your family does and how they behave is no reflection of who you are and how you behave.

[pink_sugar]

This is important. Feeling like you have no choice and getting screwed over.

 

I'm sure you know this is deeper than 10 bucks, it's deeper than Thanksgiving dinner, it's deeper than Mom tacking on additional rent money.

 

I hear a lot of resent regarding your bother. I hear a lot of resentment regarding your mother.

 

Choice? We all have a choice. I agree, it's hard to set up boundaries living with your mother. For now, this is your reality. I think there's so much resentment at this point with your family, anything that takes place is going to set you off and cause friction.

 

Thanksgiving is over. It's done. You can't change it or fix it. Pay the additional money. Focus on setting up boundaries for Christmas.

 

What your family does and how they behave is no reflection of who you are and how you behave.

 

You're right. I made it clear last night that due to what happened, they are on their own for Christmas dinner. I went above and beyond for Thanksgiving. Slaved away cooking and paid the $20. Next year, when we have our own own place, we will not be doing any traveling for Thanksgiving. I'd rather have a quiet dinner with just the 2 of us before I deal with this BS again.

 

I am just unhappy that I cannot trust my mom since she was dishonest about the rent amount. I know it was only an extra $5, but still.

 

I say you just pay the extra rent, let it all go and on the last month you are to live there you short her 10$ on the rent

 

Family's suck sometimes but it's times like these that you must be the bigger person pay it and smooth out the wrinkles..and then keep your eye out for the next Thanksgiving your family decides to have..

 

By the way.. is anybody actually making any money on the deal or was the total bill evenly split ?

 

 

I think it was evenly split, but I don't really trust my brother. He gets a nice discount from his work and I wouldn't put it past him to have gotten half off while charging us full price. (Hence why I didn't want to go through with the dinner, but oh well).

 

Also, my mom just makes excuses for my grandmother not telling my brother "no" as far as paying our portions out of her pocket. She says "she's old and she will never put her foot down" and etc.

Edited December 3, 2014 by pink_sugar

[Rainbowlove]

Ever hear of this saying?

 

Slap me once, shame on you. Slap me twice, shame on me.

 

Make Christmas special with your hubby.

 

With that said, expect to feel a bit of sadness regarding your family on Christmas. It's a loss like any other.

 

I couldn't figure out if I was actually missing them or the "idea" of what family was supposed to be. Anyway, there's a sense of loss, but it does get easier.

 

Best of luck to you.

[pink_sugar]

Thank you so much for your advice. I was really down this morning after last night's argument. I tried to explain to my mom that I am a 25 year old adult and will make my own decisions and she needs to accept that instead of telling me what I "should and shouldn't do". Once we move, we're going to keep our distance from my family as much as possible.

[Rainbowlove]

I don't know your mom, dear. I don't know her issues or your history with her. I am a mother, though.

 

Pay attention to if her should haves and should not haves come from a place of love or control. Sometimes as parents, it's easy to forget your little ones grew up and do have a life and mind of their own.

 

Be gentle. Be kind.

 

Life looks different when you yourself are a parent.

 

Take space, but don't slam the door shut just yet. You are young still and we do a lot of maturing from our 20's to 40's and 50's.

 

We only get one mom in this life. Try to make the best of it if you can, but still keep your sanity.

[MCGar]

Your grandmother, mom and brother were clearly in the wrong. All varying from good intentions to just plain selfishness.

 

But even though your frustration is so high because of the audacity of what they did, you need to look clearly at yourself.

 

First, get rid of the over dramatic frustrated reaction of baking a pie for an event that you went to. Baking a pie isn't exactly torture nor slave work. If you choose to do it, it's on you to be at peace with it. If it's too much work than pick an easier option (or just buy a cheap pie on discount at the grocery)

 

While your brother's idea of $20 a person for limited food sounds absurd, YOU are the ADULT that let herself be talked into going by your mommy. Even with the lower perceived price, it was YOUR adult choice to go along with this catastrophe in the making. You know what your brother is like, you know his stinginess, you know you still have resentment of his lack of participation in your events. Don't go into a situation expecting more than what experience had taught you. No, I'm not saying you should've known that the money was going to be fronted on your behalf, but you really already knew that the food was going to be minimal and your brother was a crappy host.

 

Finally, if $10 here and $10 there puts that much of a stretch on your budget then your ADULT decision should be NOT TO WASTE THE GAS MONEY on going out in the first place!

Geez, if my money was that tight (and it has been before), I would batten down the hatches, not only count my pennies but start selling my unneeded stuff in order to get to a better place. Holidays aren't supposed to leave you destitute!

 

You can't change your brother or your mother or your grannie. You can only change YOU!

 

My advice for you this time around is get a second job for the Christmas seasonal work, volunteer for a shelter or something for Christmas and chalk this up to a lesson learned.

 

Also, keep in mind you are participating actively in this Round-Robin family dynamic. Don't want mommy to do things behind your back? Then why on earth are you agreeing to reduced holiday rates with mommy instead of going directly to the host of the whole shebang? Talk directly with each and every family member that you have a situation with. Don't rely on anyone to transfer information to you. If you had kept communication directly with him then you would have found out directly that he still insisted on the $20. There was absolutely no reason for you to agree to your mom's $10 terms without consulting your brother. She wasn't the host, she wasn't in charge of the event. You shouldn't have entertained the conversation with her to begin with.

Don't use gatekeeper's because you will always pay the price of limited information, and limited choices.

[whichwayisup]

I've never heard of anyone having to pay for their meal during the holidays. More like everybody brings 2 dishes of something.

 

Then we were told it would be fine to pay $10 and bring the pie/dessert (which I slaved for an hour and a half making after work the night before travelling).

 

I would've bought the pies!

[pink_sugar]

I've never heard of anyone having to pay for their meal during the holidays. More like everybody brings 2 dishes of something.

 

 

 

I would've bought the pies!

 

I brought a pie and a dozen apple muffins I made. It wasn't good enough. They still wanted $20.

[Gloria25]

I hope you really can find a way to get out of living with the family...

 

I thank God the military was my way out...I had passed the entrance exams to go to the "technical" university, graduated top 10% in my high school and just wanted to stay with my parents while I worked my 2-3 jobs and went to school, but nope, they ran me into the ground and away from them.

 

All my family did was take, take, take...And it's funny how they lean on the "responsible/gullible" one (me). My three sisters, their husbands, and kids lived under the same roof. Not once did any of them help me and one of my sisters with putting money towards bills, food, etc. They didn't even help cutting the grass, cleaning the house, washing clothes, picking up after the dogs.

 

Oh, also my sisters (who had "husbands") would break into my room and take my shampoo and perfume (which were a "luxury" back then when we were dirt poor). I even put the only telephone line in that house. Did my parents care? Nope. When all of them were running up the phone bill with international calls, my dad told me I better take the lock off the phone, cuz it's in HIS house. When I was getting ready to join the military and didn't have no money to put towards the light bill, he told me that 'I better find the money or "else"!!!'. BTW, I also saved him from losing that house (he eventually lost it after I left home for the military)...My dad thought he could just tell the land owner to "go to heck" and not pay anymore. I had to sit down with my sister, crunch numbers, make appt with the land owner and renegotiate the terms of my dad's payments on the land he built his house on. Not once did he thank me or my sister for all we did.

 

So, you're never gonna save money and/or reach your goals if you try to live with a toxic family. Good luck...

Edited December 4, 2014 by Gloria25

[pink_sugar]

I hear you. I moved out at 18 to get away from my abusive dad and unfortunately after 7 years on my own in a highly expensive area, we were forced to live with my mom when I lost my job last year. Thankfully things are looking up and we are hoping to move out in January or February at the absolute latest. I don't care if it takes a credit card or cash advance for a deposit. I need out now.

[whichwayisup]

I brought a pie and a dozen apple muffins I made. It wasn't good enough. They still wanted $20.

 

Really, I've never heard of people having to pay. That's wacky!

[MuscleCarFan]

A couple points, my brother-in-law (Pink's brother) is very selfish and self centered. He didn't contribute squat to the last 2 Thanksgivings. Pink and I hosted and we didn't complain.

 

Pink's grandma is super passive and she wouldn't ask us for the money. She only paid out money she didn't have just to ship up my BIL because of his complaining about hist Thanksgiving and buying the food.

[dreamingoftigers]

Cripes, we didn't even do Thanksgiving this year. No biggie.

 

But if we were that screwed for $, we'd hit up the food bank.

 

Who the heck hosts Thanksgiving and asks everyone to pay?

 

Can't afford it, don't host! Or try to arrange potluck where everyone brings a part.

 

How ridiculous.

 

And from what I remember about American $ spending power, $20 goes as far as about $50 up here. (Although fresh foods are actually equivalent in lots of instances). Was he charging you "labor" for mashing the potatoes too?

Edited to add: What a petty, petty bunch

Edited December 5, 2014 by dreamingoftigers
Because they are petty!

[MuscleCarFan]

Cripes, we didn't even do Thanksgiving this year. No biggie.

 

But if we were that screwed for $, we'd hit up the food bank.

 

Who the heck hosts Thanksgiving and asks everyone to pay?

 

Can't afford it, don't host! Or try to arrange potluck where everyone brings a part.

 

How ridiculous.

 

And from what I remember about American $ spending power, $20 goes as far as about $50 up here. (Although fresh foods are actually equivalent in lots of instances). Was he charging you "labor" for mashing the potatoes too?

Edited to add: What a petty, petty bunch

 

We spent about $80 on food and 3-4 hours of cooking with no complaints.

 

My brother-in-law hosts (he and his fiancee live with Pink's grandma) and he throws a fit about paying for Thanksgiving. He said we wouldn't get any food if we did not chip in for part of the cost. Selfish ass. it doesn't help that Pink and BIL's grandma is super passive agressive and let's all this crap happen. 90% BIL's fault & 10% passive aggressive grandmother's fault.

[Radu]

I think that Gloria is spot on this one, you guys need a way out.

 

And i mean, forever, so you never return.

[pink_sugar]

I think that Gloria is spot on this one, you guys need a way out.

 

And i mean, forever, so you never return.

 

This! My mom already gives me flak about where I should and shouldn't move to. I told her I'm a 25 year old woman and that she needs to trust my judgement to find a place in a decent area that is still within our budget to afford in cases of unemployment or hour cut-backs or etc. Not some place we can barely afford that would force us to end up in the current scenario. We did live on our own for like 7 years!