kchelle6888 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and a half. He has had many "exes" and sex partners. He is my second sex partner. He still talks to his exes. He says they text him and he doesn't want to be rude so he always replies and they ask about me and him (I don't think it is any of their business and it makes me mad that he even responds). I don't see why he needs to still be in contact with him. I feel that he is disrespecting me but he does not see it that way. He has an ex who I have met who I do like. They dated for a short time and had sex but it didn't work out because they were just better off friends. I accepted that, have hung out with her several times. No problem. He told her "I love you and miss you" on her facebook, and that pissed me off. May sound petty, but the man has never even told me he has missed me. I travel for work sometimes and have been gone week at a time and he never even called me. He never really called me in the beginning of our relationship, so I just shrugged it off as that he doesn't like to talk on the phone, that's fine. But I was jokingly ask if he misses me and he never says yes, he never has. That just hurt my feelings and of course makes my mind wander to the worst case scenario. Prior to this I was engaged and with that man for 6 years. Long story short, we broke up, still "dated", were intimate. Later I found out he was dating someone else and was shortly engaged and married to this woman in less than a year. Needless to say I was devastated. I blame myself, I should of never stayed and continued whatever you would want to call it. I went into a deep depression, got on meds for that and anxiety. I was single for over a year, I felt that I found myself and fixed a lot of personal issues within myself that I felt could affect future relationships. I still have trust issues. But when you talk to your exes/respond to them, why wouldn't I? I am trying to not let it bother me, but still struggling. I moved away from my family and live with him now. Got a great job and I love him very much. How do I get over this? How can I make him realize or at least explain that him talking to exes is not acceptable? I feel MOST women and maybe men? would feel this way too. Of course any girlfriend I ask don't think its right and they make it not like him. So I just feel lost. I want to say I trust him.. but then again when he does this I feel that I cant/shouldn't. He says that that hurts him and I should KNOW that he wouldn't cheat on me. I don't think he would, but he is "inviting" them to text him by allowing it. What he allows will continue. He does not get that. Makes me feel like he still wants to talk to them. I don't talk to ANY of my exes, I don't see the need to. His exes didn't like him talking to his exes when they were together, yet they think its okay to talk to him now that he is with someone else and they are now his exes? Seems very conniving. I fee that they are being disrespectful to me. They are all in relationships themselves, so it makes no sense. So please, opinions.. advice.. great appreciated!
CarrieT Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I'm guessing you are all in your early/mid 20s? Break up with him and be alone for a while - then date someone a bit more mature, he sounds like he is 16! 1
Dontfindme Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 He sounds inconsiderate, and unaffectionate. Not worth stressing.
Author kchelle6888 Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 I am 25 and he is 28. I have just been second guessing my feelings as in "should this really not bother me?" But it does.. and he thinks I should trust him and not be bothered by it. UMM HELLO? NO
CarrieT Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 But it does.. and he thinks I should trust him and not be bothered by it. UMM HELLO? NO You feel how you feel. He is inconsiderate of your feelings and is therefore unworthy of further attention. Again: Break up with him - he isn't worth it.
Redhead14 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and a half. He has had many "exes" and sex partners. He is my second sex partner. He still talks to his exes. He says they text him and he doesn't want to be rude so he always replies and they ask about me and him (I don't think it is any of their business and it makes me mad that he even responds). I don't see why he needs to still be in contact with him. I feel that he is disrespecting me but he does not see it that way. He has an ex who I have met who I do like. They dated for a short time and had sex but it didn't work out because they were just better off friends. I accepted that, have hung out with her several times. No problem. He told her "I love you and miss you" on her facebook, and that pissed me off. May sound petty, but the man has never even told me he has missed me. I travel for work sometimes and have been gone week at a time and he never even called me. He never really called me in the beginning of our relationship, so I just shrugged it off as that he doesn't like to talk on the phone, that's fine. But I was jokingly ask if he misses me and he never says yes, he never has. That just hurt my feelings and of course makes my mind wander to the worst case scenario. Prior to this I was engaged and with that man for 6 years. Long story short, we broke up, still "dated", were intimate. Later I found out he was dating someone else and was shortly engaged and married to this woman in less than a year. Needless to say I was devastated. I blame myself, I should of never stayed and continued whatever you would want to call it. I went into a deep depression, got on meds for that and anxiety. I was single for over a year, I felt that I found myself and fixed a lot of personal issues within myself that I felt could affect future relationships. I still have trust issues. But when you talk to your exes/respond to them, why wouldn't I? I am trying to not let it bother me, but still struggling. I moved away from my family and live with him now. Got a great job and I love him very much. How do I get over this? How can I make him realize or at least explain that him talking to exes is not acceptable? I feel MOST women and maybe men? would feel this way too. Of course any girlfriend I ask don't think its right and they make it not like him. So I just feel lost. I want to say I trust him.. but then again when he does this I feel that I cant/shouldn't. He says that that hurts him and I should KNOW that he wouldn't cheat on me. I don't think he would, but he is "inviting" them to text him by allowing it. What he allows will continue. He does not get that. Makes me feel like he still wants to talk to them. I don't talk to ANY of my exes, I don't see the need to. His exes didn't like him talking to his exes when they were together, yet they think its okay to talk to him now that he is with someone else and they are now his exes? Seems very conniving. I fee that they are being disrespectful to me. They are all in relationships themselves, so it makes no sense. So please, opinions.. advice.. great appreciated! How are you conveying your concerns to him. If you are being demanding and exuding insecurity or making him feel like you are trying to control him, he will resist. If you explain to him that it makes you feel uncomfortable and he cares about your feelings, he will stop that. If he disrespects your feelings, he doesn't care deeply enough for you. I would say it once now and drop it for a while. Start doing more activities outside of your relationship. Go out more often with friends, etc. make a little space. NOt playing games, just to clear your head and allow him to think about all this. Giving space will also hopefully make him realize how important you are to him. If he doesn't, you may need to move on.
Frank2thepoint Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 He still talks to his exes. He says they text him and he doesn't want to be rude so he always replies and they ask about me and him (I don't think it is any of their business and it makes me mad that he even responds). I don't see why he needs to still be in contact with him. I feel that he is disrespecting me but he does not see it that way. He told her "I love you and miss you" on her facebook, and that pissed me off. How can I make him realize or at least explain that him talking to exes is not acceptable? The biggest problem here is you did not establish and exert your boundaries. In fact, you still don't. Your boyfriend is not going to change, unless you change it by not allowing the disrespect. The only way to make him realize it is wrong is if you show him it is wrong. You are still in a relationship with him, therefore he will continue doing this because he knows you won't go anywhere. You'll get mad at him, maybe not talk to him for a few days, but you still go back to him. He has no incentive to change. You have to make a loud statement, and this is give him an ultimatum. Either he stops disrespecting you, or you walk. But before you can do this, you have to determine yourself if you are willing to break up with him. You have to be assertive and establish your self-respect. If not, then you will not be able to accomplish the change that you want. 1
Author kchelle6888 Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 He does feel that I am being insecure. I don't see it that way. I see it as I am being like a normal girlfriend who doesn't want his exes talking to him and him talking back to them. I have nicely talked to him about it and he just says "I don't see it that way". I do feel that he is wrong, he knows this. He has never given me a reason to not trust him otherwise. He tells me who it was if they had texted him, etc. I have NEVER gone thru his phone. I feel that that is disrespectful, even though I have wanted to many of times just because I know he talks to them. I don't know how often he does.
CarrieT Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 He does feel that I am being insecure. I don't see it that way. I see it as I am being like a normal girlfriend who doesn't want his exes talking to him and him talking back to them. I have nicely talked to him about it and he just says "I don't see it that way". The problem with this logic is that not all "normal girlfriends" won't let their partners talk to their Exes. It is different for each relationship. I am a newlywed and - in my case - I am friends with all my Exes and my new husband knew that going into the relationship and, in some cases, has even met an Ex or two so he understands the dynamic and has no insecurities about it. You ARE being insecure but that is okay. You can have these feelings and not want him to contact his Exes, but if he does not comply, then it is simply a difference of opinion that may not ever be resolved. Quite simply, you will have to find a different boyfriend who believes as you do: That communications with Exes does not exist within the confines of a new relationship. Your current boyfriend is not that kind of person. What is "normal" for some is not "normal" for others so you have to get out of the mindset that there is a blanket, universal TRUTH for all relationships. 1
taryntan Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 One of my criteria/screening tools for guys I date is that they do not speak to their exes frequently (unless it is someone in their social circle. I wouldn't expect someone to ignore an ex entwined in their social circle and the only one of mine I talk to once in awhile is in my social circle.) There is no reason to keep in contact with an ex that you don't run into. You'll have to do the same, because yes, he does not care. Personally, I think that's disrespectful and shows he values their feelings over yours. Every time Ive made an exception to this rule, I got burned. No matter how often they told me it didn't mean anything and they preferred me. I think mature people let go of their exes when someone new comes into their life. Men get an ego boost out of talking to old flames...a lot of men like their ego more than their girlfriend.
Frank2thepoint Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 He has never given me a reason to not trust him otherwise. Let me refer you to this gem in your initial post: He told her "I love you and miss you" on her facebookHe told her "I love you and miss you" on her facebook Him telling another woman that is a huge disrespect to you. And you are allowing this behavior to continue. I advise you to seriously consider breaking up with the guy. You two are not on the same page, and you should find a man that shares your viewpoint on exes are meant to be in the past, and respects you. 1
Author kchelle6888 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 I guess I assumed that "not talking to your ex" was a common thing. It never really came up in conversation until our relationship was a lot more serious.
Frank2thepoint Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 I guess I assumed that "not talking to your ex" was a common thing. It never really came up in conversation until our relationship was a lot more serious. Unfortunately you can't make assumptions in a relationship. You have to communicate. There are no guarantees that the person you are romantically involved agrees with the same things as you do. There are people that have no problem staying friends with their exes, even meeting up for some coffee, just as much as people that cut all ties with exes. With your boyfriend dropping "I love you and miss you" to at least one ex you know of, that is a huge disrespect. That is an emotional affair, and is cheating. I advise you to break it off with him. As a future reference, discuss the topic of talking with exes before getting into another relationship.
Author kchelle6888 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 yeah I agree it was disrespectful. he felt he was saying it in a friendly way. but of course I wont see it that way. (he posted it publicly on FB btw for all to see) I have met that ex and I really don't have a problem with her. She is a nice person, but if it were her in MY shoes, she would not be okay with it. We have had conversations in the past where she did not like her boyfriend talking to exes.. yet she seems to think its okay to do? It just doesn't make sense to me. Im not one to say "you cant be friends/talk to this person".. that's not how I am as a person. BUT I do feel like there are lines that should not be crossed. That is where we have our differences. I know he loves me. I just wish there were a way to get him to understand why it upsets me. I don't want to just give up and end things. That seems to be everyone's go-to reply.
TheGuard13 Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Here's the thing. You consider them "exes". He considers them "friends". You're with someone who can be friends with his exes. Unless he's pushing boundaries, flirting, cheating, etc, I would think that would be something to celebrate in a person, not fear. I don't know that "I love you and miss you" qualifies as a boundaries crossing. Intelligent people can read between the lines of something like that, and recognize that there are more meanings to those words than "I wish I was still with you". But if that concerns you, ask him about it. The whole "If you loved me you would forsake anyone I don't care for you talking to" thing, I don't subscribe to that. It's true that you feel how you feel. But if you insist that he not do that, and he doesn't feel like this is acceptable, then you two have a basic compatability issue, and should break up if you cannot reach some sort of compromise.
Frank2thepoint Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 I know he loves me. I just wish there were a way to get him to understand why it upsets me. I don't want to just give up and end things. That seems to be everyone's go-to reply. You can talk to him about it, and he'll give you the same answer. You will keep going in circles, until it drives you crazy. I've suggested for you to exert your boundaries, but you don't want to. You just want to wish it all away, without doing anything. On top of that, you are making excuses for him. I suggested to break up with him because he is emotionally cheating on you by declaring his love to his ex and that he misses her. This is my take, because if I was in your situation I would not tolerate it. You are much more forgiving, maybe because you are probably afraid of being single, so you figure you'll stick it out with a guy that doesn't respect your wishes, nor is on the same page as you, just so you can say you have a boyfriend. Nothing will change unless you demand the change, or have enough self-respect to not tolerate it any longer.
Gloria25 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 I can't advise you as to what to do, but I think this is a case where I wouldn't bother even trying to say anything to him - as his actions are blatantly clear. I would move on. Better to fix a mistake than stick around and continue to be messed with.
Author kchelle6888 Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 Would I be a crazy person to contact the exes that text him and tell them to stop?! LOL
Ducky71 Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Would I be a crazy person to contact the exes that text him and tell them to stop?! LOL In a word, yes... There is such a thing as emotional cheating. He "doesn't want to be rude" by not texting back? Heard that before, it means "I'm keeping my options open". If he wants to be a single guy, he can have all the single guy "friends" he wants. When he is no longer a single guy, it's time to put away single guy "friends". He is refusing to validate your feelings and opinions, which is a sign of being emotionally abusive. He needs not to understand them to validate them... proceed with caution. Try to deal with this as tactfully as you can, otherwise he'll still keep these people in his life, and he'll just be more 'careful' about what you see/know. 1
Zahara Posted December 5, 2014 Posted December 5, 2014 Would I be a crazy person to contact the exes that text him and tell them to stop?! LOL Yes, because that wouldn't be dealing with the root of the problem. And if he doesn't want to stop, whether the exs stop or not is of no relevance. Chances are they may even let him know you confronted them and that may cause you even more issues. And most likely he will still be in contact with them because if he disregards your feelings, I would have to think that he will tell them to disregard you as well. He said that he is hurt that you think he would cheat on you, rather he should be hurt in realizing that you've been struggling with how this has been affecting you emotionally, motivating him to stop. Instead, he played the victim and made you feel guilty for how you felt. If he'd rather prioritize his own feelings and his exs, rather than the stability of his relationship and your emotional security, you have your answer. 1
Author kchelle6888 Posted December 5, 2014 Author Posted December 5, 2014 Good to know that you all get where I am coming from. You put some things into words that I couldn't find. I really appreciate it from my heart. 1
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