tjca21 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 My fiancé and I have been together for six years. We own a house together and live together. But six months ago, I began having doubts about our long-term compatibility. I love discussing big issues: religion and politics. He can't stand it. I'm deeply spiritual; he's firmly agnostic. I crave affection; he doesn't. Recently, the physical intimacy has completely ended. We never touch. Ever. He's even mentioned twice that he's no longer attracted to me, but he's attracted to other people. He talks about marriage and stability and material comfort, but I wonder if he wants those things generally (with anyone), not necessarily with me specifically. More and more, I feel like we've become roommates or friends, instead of a couple. Breaking up would be messy. He's a great guy; we share the same friends; our lives are so intertwined. I don't want to mess up my life, but I'm so unhappy. Why isn't he? Is this the life he wants? Is this normal?
PegNosePete Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Well I can tell you that if my relationship were in such a sorry state, I would not be sticking around. That is not the kind of relationship I dreamed about when I were young. He's not attracted to you but is attracted to others? What great romance...!? I would have a long hard talk to him about the future of your relationship. Ask him (and yourself!) why you are together. Is it simply the fear of being alone or because splitting up would be so complicated? That is no basis for a good relationship! 1
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Breaking up now will be less messy then getting divorced later. Since you are engaged & you own a home, perhaps some pre-marital counseling before proceeding with either a break up or a wedding. 1
Chi townD Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Could be premarital jitters. The fact that the two of you are about to dedicate your lives to each other forever has gotten the two of you thinking and a little afraid. If he is a great guy as you say, then I think that the two of you need to exhaust every avenue to try and fix this before you throw in the towel. Because, if you don't, you might regret it. If you get counseling and you two are still not on the same page, then you can split with your head held high and you can say to yourself, "Well, you can't say we didn't try; it just wasn't in the cards". 1
flightplan Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 This is a no brainer. All the counseling in the world isn't going to help your relationship. He's checked out... and so should you. You're wasting your time if think this can be saved. Or, you could spend untold hours and money and emotional energy trying to fix something that will, in all probability, end up in divorce anyway. Cut your loss and just be friends. 1
Chi townD Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 This is a no brainer. All the counseling in the world isn't going to help your relationship. He's checked out... and so should you. You're wasting your time if think this can be saved. Or, you could spend untold hours and money and emotional energy trying to fix something that will, in all probability, end up in divorce anyway. Cut your loss and just be friends. Sorry dude. I respect your opinion, but I don't agree with this. You see it all the time. Not only in engaged couples but married people as well. When you get engaged and it's getting closer to the time of the marriage. It's normal to have second thoughts. As close to GIGS and you can get. You start to think "Damn, I'm going to be with this person and ONLY this person for the rest of my life. I wondering if I'm ready to settle? If there's other girls or guys I want to see and experience before I settle? Am I doing what's right for me?" Those reactions are normal. You also see it in married couples in the military. If a military member is about ready to go on a long deployment, the closer you get to the date of the deployment, the more they tend to fight. Why? Because it's easier to leave when the two of you aren't on good terms. Makes leaving easier. It's a subconscious reaction to protect yourself from heartbreak. 1
lauri Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Did he say why he is no longer attracted to you? One of my ex girlfriends (who didn't love me, in all honesty) broke up with me because she no longer felt attracted to me physically. This was because I gained weight, stopped trying and got comfortable. Now I have the menality that I always want to look good for my future gf / wife. Now, with that said, I wouldn't have said the things he said to a woman I'm with. I would have ended it with her because she isn't what I want anymore. This guy is giving you all the signs that he is no longer interested and that he's on the way out. Councilling and talking through things will not change how someone is attracted to you physically..it just isn't going to happen that way. He sounds like he doesn't have the guts to walk away. So your options are to either leave him or "improve yourself" for him. My opinion is he doesn't deserve you (solely based off of your explanation)..so I would walk away from this and improve yourself for YOURSELF and a guy who deserves you. 1
flightplan Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Sorry dude. I respect your opinion, but I don't agree with this. You see it all the time. Not only in engaged couples but married people as well. When you get engaged and it's getting closer to the time of the marriage. It's normal to have second thoughts. As close to GIGS and you can get. You start to think "Damn, I'm going to be with this person and ONLY this person for the rest of my life. I wondering if I'm ready to settle? If there's other girls or guys I want to see and experience before I settle? Am I doing what's right for me?" Those reactions are normal. You also see it in married couples in the military. If a military member is about ready to go on a long deployment, the closer you get to the date of the deployment, the more they tend to fight. Why? Because it's easier to leave when the two of you aren't on good terms. Makes leaving easier. It's a subconscious reaction to protect yourself from heartbreak. I hear what you're saying but the red flags for me: "I love discussing big issues: religion and politics. He can't stand it. I'm deeply spiritual; he's firmly agnostic. I crave affection; he doesn't." Those aren't petty differences, those are pretty big issues that will magnify with time. Relationships are hard enough when two people can agree on things like this... triple harder when they don't. I still say cut the loss.. move on. 1
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