an obscure situation...

[123456]

I met this girl about a month ago, and all seemed great. She has an awesome personality, and we're having alot of fun together.

 

This past weekend, she spent the night for the first time, and I made a shocking discovery...

 

A mere 1-2years ago, she was extremely overweight, and she subsequently lost significant weight to a point where you would classify her as skinny. This left her with flaps of excess skin, and although i did not tell her nor give her any nasty looks, i have to admit i was disgusted.

 

Im so ashamed at myself for feeling this way (in addition to shallow), given that it must have been difficult for her to lose so much weight, but i feel like this relationship has to end because I can barely look at her in an intimate setting.

 

I actually consider her fairly attractive (albeit with her clothes on), not to mention my emotional compatibility with her, but because of this discovery, I have sudden awkwardness and lack of desire towards communicating with her.

 

What pains me is that i still have feelings for her, but my inability to desire her physically brings me to the conclusion that i have to break up with her.

 

I would really appreciate some advice...

1) Should i break up with her, despite the emotional connection?

2) If i do choose to break up with her, how do i go about doing it?

...lie or tell her the honest reason?

[mapofyourhead]

I get why, but don't feel ashamed. You can admire her for her weight loss but you're not shallow for not finding it attractive. You can't exactly control who and what you are or aren't attracted to. With that being said, break up with her because you should be with someone you're attracted to, and she should be with someone who finds her attractive.

 

As for how to go about it, it's tough because it's gonna hurt her but you should be honest. Tell her that you're sorry, but that things won't work out because you don't feel a lot of physical chemistry. There's no way of phrasing it gently, but if anything definitely do not be specific about her skin or body! It's better to break up sooner rather than later when you've both gotten more attached.

[mammasita]

Definitely not mad at you for feeling the way you do....BUT, the physical can be changed, you may never find that emotional connection with another again.

 

Did she mention she had lost weight in the past before she spent the night?

 

Is she planning on having surgery to remove excess skin? Does she work out regularly? Consider these things before you make your decision.

Edited December 3, 2014 by mammasita

[Chi townD]

Dude, that's just an indication that she lost a lot of weight very quickly. Normal weight loss should be about 1 to 2 pounds a week. If you do it this way, your skin has time to "snap back" with the slow weight you're losing over time. Because she has excessive skin tells me she was losing weight possibly up to 5 pounds a week. The skin wasn't given enough time to "snap back" properly.

 

 

Now, if she was morbidly obese, that skin might not go away without surgical intervention.

 

 

The point I'm trying to make is that you're going to throw away a perfectly good relationship over something that will correct itself over time. You need to think about it.

 

 

TALK TO HER! Communicate! Talk to her about her weight loss, find out her story!

[flightplan]

I get what the OP is saying... but like the old saying, beauty is only skin deep. I once dated a beautiful woman who had a double mastectomy. I was so worried it would turn me off once we got intimate... oh man, was I wrong. She had corrective surgery and was hotter than I deserved. Man, I'm so glad I stuck with it.... didn't last for other reasons.

 

Hit the pause button before you make a decision. If you're tactful, understanding and genuine, you can talk to her about it. If she gets defensive, then she might not be ready to let someone in. It's a great way to find out how the two of you are able to communicate.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, it all depends on if her skin went beyond its normal elasticity. If it didn't, her skin will return to normal. If it did and skin cells were added because she went beyond normal elasticity, then she'll need surgical intervention.

 

 

So, talk to her! Find out when she lost the weight, and if she plans to have corrective surgery. If that's her plan, you can help her achieve her goals. Support her. If she recently lost the weight and if it was less than 30 percent of her weight lost. Then, it's just a waiting game until things should go back to normal.

[Standard-Fare]

TOTALLY disagree with the "talk to her about her future plans for her excess skin" route some people are suggesting here. At this point that's none of the OP's business.

 

Look, this is a very sensitive topic. Trust me, this girl is self-conscious and probably self-loathing about this and it must be very difficult for her to put herself in intimate situations as she did with you, OP. This is basically her worst fear coming true -- that a guy who likes her rejects her based on the appearance of her skin. It's wrenching for me to even read about it.

 

If you think there's even a small chance you could get over the skin thing in the future, and that more attraction could build from your emotional compatibility, I'd recommend sticking it out for another date or two to see if your mindset changes. And I hate to say this but it might be easier (for both her and you) to deal with intimate situations in the dark, so you can focus more on sensations.

 

But if you're already certain you can't deal with it, please try to cut things off with her in a very delicate way. DO NOT mention her appearance at all. Hell, this might even be the right time to pull out a white lie. Like "I'm still dealing with dangling threads with an ex I have feelings for" or... something!

[123456]

I really appreciate everyones advice.

 

Considering I've only known this girl for 1 month, I have to agree with Standard-Fare that im in no position to suggest that she should surgically fix her skin.

 

To answer some questions...

-She did mention beforehand that she used to be obese, and in fact showed me a picture. The difference was night and day since i wasnt even able to recognize her. At that point however, the thought that she could have excess skin did not cross my mind.

-Although im not knowledgeable in the matter, judging by the degree of her excess skin, I highly doubt that itll naturally "return to normal".

-She lost the weight through running and proper eating habits. She continues to work-out and eat healthy to this day.

 

 

At this point, im strongly leaning towards breaking up with her, but my biggest issue at this point is hurting her.

 

I feel like if i openly admit the reason why i cant continue on, itll destroy her self-esteem, and i respect her too much to do that to her. I like the idea of a "white lie", but im afraid that she"ll see through my lie, considering that the level of communication drastically and suddenly changed after that night, in addition to the relationship going great upto that point.

[Standard-Fare]

I feel like if i openly admit the reason why i cant continue on, itll destroy her self-esteem, and i respect her too much to do that to her. I like the idea of a "white lie", but im afraid that she"ll see through my lie, considering that the level of communication drastically and suddenly changed after that night, in addition to the relationship going great upto that point.

 

Whatever reasons you give her, she's going to have her strong suspicions about what's truly going on. That's already going to hurt her enough and fuel her insecurities. Under NO circumstances (even if she calls you out on it) should you blame or even address her appearance. It's simply not kind.

 

The whole situation makes me sad. I just feel for this girl, and hope she finds someone who can see past her appearance. She's obviously worked hard at losing weight, and now she can't even reap the benefits of that in her relationships.

 

It'd be easy for me to say "Keep giving her a chance," but I guess you're just being honest, and we've all been there in finding superficial reasons to be dealbreakers.

[LifeNomad]

well u can try bringing it up nice and subtle, I think there are surgeries specifically to remove extra skin like that. maybe say something like "so does this loose skin shrink or go away?"

 

 

it could go away on its own too but idk too much about that.

[Ducktape]

maybe say something like "so does this loose skin shrink or go away?"

While I know all you're trying to do is help...

 

...That's a TERRIBLE idea. Never say it like that 123456.

 

But I'm one of the few who will tell you to tell her the truth. That's how you feel, you can't help it. There's a way to bring the issue politely without crushing her (too much). She probably already knows. Hiding the real reason could hurt her even more.

 

I don't know if you've been dumped recently, but when you are, you make grand scenarios in your head about what happened. her self esteem may already be low because of the years of overweight, maybe she'll think reasons even worse than that. She deserves to know the truth. When we are dumped, we all wished we knew exactly the real reason. Be the change you want to see in this world, gandhi said. If you want the world to be honest with you, then be honest with people. Even if it means hurting them.

[6Pack]

Hmm, personally, I am not sure she actually lost the weight running and eating right. She may be doing those things NOW, but if that is how she lost the weight, her skin would have already bounced back. And, I doubt someone can lose hundreds of pounds in one year just from running.

 

My thoughts - she either had corrective surgery recently to remove the fat, OR, she had one of those stomach bands installed that keep her from eating. She is probably not wanting to tell you about the surgery or the band, as it does not sound as good as "I started running and living healthy".

 

What I would do is: Ask her what her fitness goals are, and what her plan is. Ask her where she is in the middle of the process, and how far she has to her goals...see if she opens up herself about the "skin curtains" (LOL) and reveals any plans to get rid of them.

[Standard-Fare]

I can hardly believe how insensitive and off-base some of this advice is.

 

Let's equate it to this:

 

Let's say you're a guy and you have a weird, discolored d*ck. It kills your self-esteem, and you have all sorts of insecurities and hang-ups about it. Sometimes you get depressed about it. And it prevents you from having any confidence whatsoever in the dating field.

 

Then you meet a girl, go on a few dates, and actually really like her and think she likes you. But you're nervous as hell about what happens that moment in the bedroom when she sees your d*ck for the first time. Will she be disgusted, like you fear?

 

You make yourself vulnerable enough to sleep with her, and it's a little awkward, but you hope for the best. You continue your contact with the girl but notice she's withdrawing. Soon she cuts things off with you.

 

Do you really need to hear from the girl: "I'm sorry, I like you, but your d*ck is weird and I can't get over it. I cant enjoy sex with you." Or "Are there surgeries or something you could consider to make that look better?"

 

Some things are just too cruel to say. The reason they're too cruel is because the person is already WELL AWARE of the flaw and can't fix it.

[Ducktape]

I can hardly believe how insensitive and off-base some of this advice is.

 

Let's equate it to this:

 

Let's say you're a guy and you have a weird, discolored d*ck. It kills your self-esteem, and you have all sorts of insecurities and hang-ups about it. Sometimes you get depressed about it. And it prevents you from having any confidence whatsoever in the dating field.

 

Then you meet a girl, go on a few dates, and actually really like her and think she likes you. But you're nervous as hell about what happens that moment in the bedroom when she sees your d*ck for the first time. Will she be disgusted, like you fear?

 

You make yourself vulnerable enough to sleep with her, and it's a little awkward, but you hope for the best. You continue your contact with the girl but notice she's withdrawing. Soon she cuts things off with you.

 

Do you really need to hear from the girl: "I'm sorry, I like you, but your d*ck is weird and I can't get over it. I cant enjoy sex with you." Or "Are there surgeries or something you could consider to make that look better?"

 

Some things are just too cruel to say. The reason they're too cruel is because the person is already WELL AWARE of the flaw and can't fix it.

I get your point, but I still stand my ground. I prefer honesty rather than making excuses, when everyone know what's up.

 

I few scenarios may happen. She could get mad and be disgusted. That would help getting over the break up. She could get depressed from being denied for her excess skin, after all the work she had to go through. Or she could be sad, but understand where you're coming from and thank you for the honesty.

 

Personally, I prefer to know the reason of the break up, no matter how hurtful the reason may be. Even if it's something I can't do anything about it. Whether it's something from my personality, or physically. That's how I am, and that's what I look for more and more in my relationships as I grow older. Honesty. People can't like everything about you, and I want to know the dealbreaker when there's one.

[Standard-Fare]

I get your point, but I still stand my ground. I prefer honesty rather than making excuses, when everyone know what's up.

 

I few scenarios may happen. She could get mad and be disgusted. That would help getting over the break up. She could get depressed from being denied for her excess skin, after all the work she had to go through. Or she could be sad, but understand where you're coming from and thank you for the honesty.

 

Personally, I prefer to know the reason of the break up, no matter how hurtful the reason may be. Even if it's something I can't do anything about it. Whether it's something from my personality, or physically. That's how I am, and that's what I look for more and more in my relationships as I grow older. Honesty. People can't like everything about you, and I want to know the dealbreaker when there's one.

 

Dude, it's called COMPASSION.

[Ducktape]

Dude, it's called COMPASSION.

It's also called an opinion. 123456 asked in a forum for opinions about his issue. There won't be a consensus, people will write what they would do in his situation. I've also turned the table, and opinionated what I would prefer if I was her.

 

I understand it's a sensitive issue. Perhaps she will like the honesty, perhaps it will crush her. But that's the beauty of a bulletin board, you get a wide range of answer and you can make your decision based on the arguments provided.

[Ducktape]

I know it's a concept hard to grasp and you can't blame people for reacting emotionally. But when someone rejects you, he's talking about himself/herself. It has nothing to do with you. You are what you are, you accept it. When somebody says he/she doesn't like x thing about you, it is not about you. You don't live through people's opinion of you.

 

"You don’t need anyone’s affection or approval in order to be good enough. When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, it isn’t actually about you. It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and you don’t have to internalize that. Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you — it’s something inherent. You exist, and therefore, you matter. You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings. You’re allowed to assert your needs and take up space. You’re allowed to hold onto the truth that who you are is exactly enough. And you’re allowed to remove anyone from your life who makes you feel otherwise." -Daniell Koepke

 

But again, I understand where you're coming from, and it's human nature to dread rejection.

[Standard-Fare]

Two important realities here: 1) SHE ALREADY KNOWS THE REASON. The OP started acting weird with her immediately after he saw her naked for the first time. And she already knew/feared that was a possibility. It's probably happened to her before. 2) SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE HER SITUATION. If there are fixes for her available in the future through surgery, exercise, whatever... great. But for now, this is her body.

 

Whatever the OP says to her, she knows the real reason. To hear him say the actual words of truth would just be pouring salt into already sensitive wounds. Let's assume she's not a glutton for punishment and would prefer to hear some kinder words.

 

There's a point when telling the truth ceases being "noble" and "right" and just becomes... cold.

[Ducktape]

Whatever the OP says to her, she knows the real reason. To hear him say the actual words of truth would just be pouring salt into already sensitive wounds. Let's assume she's not a glutton for punishment and would prefer to hear some kinder words.

Or let's assume she doesn't like being BS'ed around and be told a white lie when, as you stated in such capital letters, she already knows the reason.

 

We can argue like that for an eternity or two. We don't know the girl. I'm telling you what I'd prefer, I don't see why you feel the need to prove me wrong.

[flitzanu]

nothing wrong with that. call it vain, but you've got to be physically attracted to someone...and everyone has different tastes or different attractions. that's a tough call on the honesty though, i mean, if you avoid the truth she'll probably blame it on something else, and if you're honest, she'll probably nag you for a while about it and won't give up thinking she can bully you into being ok with it.

 

you could just go with the honesty part about not feeling into it and that you don't think it's going to go anywhere, sorry, wish her the best.

[Diezel]

I actually went out once with a girl who shared a similar weight loss story to mine. We both lost 80+ pounds, but mine took about a year or two because I was going the long game route. Hers was from a procedure. She never knew about the excess skin that would ensue.

 

First few times we had sex, the lights were off. Amazing. Great. Until one night the lights stayed on. I couldn't look.

 

I KNEW what I was thinking and I HATED myself for thinking it, but sometimes the mind/body just react a certain way regardless of the rationalization behind everything. I couldn't do it and couldn't shake the thought. And she knew it too.

 

Trust me, it's already difficult for this girl, and you are likely not the first, nor the last. I wouldn't mention anything about it. If you want to cut ties, cut ties. You can always gain an emotional connection with someone else. But the longer you travel down this road with her, the longer you might be lying to your ownself.

 

It's not easy, trust me, I've been there. If I had the excess skin and was told straight up that this was the reason, maybe I'd get the surgery quicker or maybe I'd just stop dating altogether. When it comes to something of the physical that can be changed but is REALLY costly (Insurance usually doesn't cover this), it's a lot rougher on the psyche.

 

It's a woman, she's already uneasy about her looks to begin with, compound that with excess skin, it's a ticking time bomb.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I get it I do but how are u going to feel when some other dude accepts her & loves her as she is? x

[6Pack]

I get it I do but how are u going to feel when some other dude accepts her & loves her as she is? x

 

This is a good point. I was dating (and loved) a girl for 15 months, and even though she was a kind, caring, very physically attractive girl, I got tired of dealing with her Cycling BiPolar issues, no job/career, and constant negativity about life...I am too optimistic....but after I let her go, another guy came along who loved her as she was, despite her problems, and it made me feel even worse for having to break up with her. It made me, the dumper, second guess everything (a dumpee's dream!) and now she is engaged to him (after knowing him for only 6 months). That guy is similar to me (but not as attractive) and I guess she just decided she is tired of being run over by bad-boy alpha males, such as myself, and went with a guy who she knows will be willing to take care of her (even though she isnt very attracted to him physically). He is what is known as a "M'Lady Guy" and this whole thing caused me to learn a lesson about how I treat people.

 

My lesson learned (which can be applied here to your situation) is dont be so quick to throw away people who have (temporary) issues. The Skin Curtains are temporary; they will go away or can be removed with surgery and if you accept her as is, she will love you forever and you will have an extremely hot girl forever, that you have a great connection with.

[123456]

So i went through with break up...

 

I feel like sh*t, but to give everyone some perspective, this is how it went down:

 

I didnt mention her skin, and gave her a white lie for the reasoning behind the break up.

 

She apparently bought the story, and her skin was never mentioned throughout the entire convo, but instead was upset over the fact that shes having extremely difficultly in finding a significant other.

 

To give you guys some background info, she and I currently live in japan. Shes originally from texas while im from new jersey (we met online). Seeing how shes a caucasian female living in this country, she is a minority, and is having difficulty landing dates... according to her, white and japanese guys tend to be interested in japanese girls, leaving her with a string of bad dates.

 

I was apparently the first guy shes dated in japan with some prospect.

 

This came from left field considering her skin was never mentioned, and can start a completely different debate than what this thread started with, but nonetheless i feel horrible. I sincerely hope that she can find someone that can accept her in all aspects...

 

I wanted to thank you all for the advice. Hopefully, i can one day be friends with her, but i guess thats wishful thinking at this point.

[6Pack]

So i went through with break up...

 

I feel like sh*t, but to give everyone some perspective, this is how it went down:

 

I didnt mention her skin, and gave her a white lie for the reasoning behind the break up.

 

She apparently bought the story, and her skin was never mentioned throughout the entire convo, but instead was upset over the fact that shes having extremely difficultly in finding a significant other.

 

To give you guys some background info, she and I currently live in japan. Shes originally from texas while im from new jersey (we met online). Seeing how shes a caucasian female living in this country, she is a minority, and is having difficulty landing dates... according to her, white and japanese guys tend to be interested in japanese girls, leaving her with a string of bad dates.

 

I was apparently the first guy shes dated in japan with some prospect.

 

This came from left field considering her skin was never mentioned, and can start a completely different debate than what this thread started with, but nonetheless i feel horrible. I sincerely hope that she can find someone that can accept her in all aspects...

 

I wanted to thank you all for the advice. Hopefully, i can one day be friends with her, but i guess thats wishful thinking at this point.

 

Yeah, I read a story about that recently, where american women go to Japan and are shocked, SHOCKED! to find out that no one is interested. My take on this, is that American women tend to "over-value" themselves in the US dating market. They have been trained to think that men will bend over backwards for them, that men here will put up with any amount of terrible behavior, etc, and they then think that is the case world-wide; it is not true though.

 

Cultural issues aside, now is the time to be truthful to her as to what the issues are. Wait a couple days, call her back, and say the following:

 

"I wanted to let you know, I lied the other day about why I broke up with you. I wanted to come clean to bring up the issue. I didnt want to be honest with you at the time, because I didnt want to hurt your feelings. I really like you. I know you have done a great job on losing the weight, and I am 100% supportive of you on that, but are you going to have any more corrective work done to tighten things up?"

 

I know it sounds crude and crass, but some people have to be told directly, and explicitly, what their issue is.