laddie Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 (edited) It's been over a year since my ex and I split. We have a 4 year old child together, who I support financially and see regularly. The problem is I finding it hard to move on from her leaving with my child. I seem to be going backwards in my healing, worrying about my child and her future. My ex has become distant now and hostile towards me. I really shouldn't be letting it get to me after this amount of time but it is and I'm finding it difficult to let go. It's also very tiring emotionally. Before I was business like when dealing with my ex and tried to keep it polite, even when she tried to get a reaction by verbal attacks and creating dramas from nothing. We became a bit closer a few months ago, she reeled me in and we had a few trips out with our child and a couple of meals. I let my guard down then she became distant and hostile again. Saying she needed her own time when not with our child. This was after her initiating days out together. I foolishly thought we might be able to work things out. I think she was getting me to drop my guard to see if I still had feelings for her so it could boost her ego...who knows. I think she's maybe seeing someone now as well. I've been on a few dates but don't think I'm ready. I'm thinking about my child and her future, where she lives, the school she'll go to. These are places I'd never have her live and go to if I had any choice. My ex is a good mother but the area she lives is a bit rough. Also the thought of someone else bringing my child up. It's thinking about this stuff that's making me worry and become anxious. I'm finding it tough to let go emotionally, still residual feelings for my ex even though we weren't happy together and worrying about my child's present and future circumstances. Is it normal to still feel this way? Thanks for any advice. Edited December 3, 2014 by laddie
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Why would you ever have to let go of your child? this is your flesh & blood. That said, the child will always be connected to her mom so you will always be connected to the mom. For the kid's sake you have to find a way to be OK with that.
Author laddie Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 Not sure where I said I'd let go of my child? That's not even in the equation. It's managing to move on with my life and heal which Im finding difficult. My child will always be first priority..
ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I posted about my similar situation yesterday. I'm struggling with the same issue. My ex is dating someone else after our break up in September. I'm slowly finding it easier to detach. She did the same as yours, kept trying to draw me back in by flirting and talking about our future only to withdraw when I responded to her overtures. Knowing she was using me helps to detach. my ex started the drama again when talking about our schedule on Sunday. She started yelling and calling me selfish for not being her friend, that I was hurting our kid and she is heartbroken. I texted her yesterday that we need to find some common ground, that all of our conversations can't end with her crying about being heart broken and hanging up. I know she is trying to manipulate me, but I don't know what her end game is. Of course she was out with her new boyfriend all day so she didn't respond. Don't really have any answers but just know Im in the same boat. 1
Pascoe Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I don't know if I have anything that can help but I will try... You should definitely put your daughter first above all else. No matter what you have to take from your ex just think about how it will effect your daughter. I am sure you already know this but don't ever talk in a negative way about your ex to your daughter. If you can't see your daughter every day make sure you talk to her every day. Make sure she knows her Dad is there for her. My parents never argued in front of me. As far as I knew they had the perfect marriage. Then one night when I was 13 I come home from a football game and they are sitting down and say they need to have a talk with me. The first thought I had was "oh sh-t, what did they find out I did that I shouldn't be doing". Then my Dad told me they were separating and he was going to move out. I was absolutely, completely blindsided... I do recall saying "Ok" like it didn't bother me. I then went in my room and cried myself to sleep... My point is that I do believe children need to see some conflict between parents as long as they also see that conflict is resolved. Of course, I am not talking about screaming obscenities at one another or hurling pots and pans. As far as finding it difficult to watch your ex leave with your daughter... I wish I had something to tell you that would make you feel better. I know when I would take my son and daughter home after a weekend with them I had the worst, most empty feeling you can imagine when I left. 1
Author laddie Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 (edited) Thanks for the replies guys. Pascoe I've never said a bad word against my Ex nor will I. I'm sure when my child gets older she'll appreciate that I have'nt spoke in a negative way about my ex. I've tried to remain civil throughout, even though it's been difficult with the stuff she's thrown in my direction to create drama. ThreeyearsDumb, I can totally empathise with your situation. I've found it hard dealing with her behaviour when Ive had to interact getting my child. One minute reasonably friendly and the next hostile. Never know which one it'll be. I'm not sure if it's demonising the other person to justify the situation, or creating drama to feed off the reaction or simply an immature or nasty person. I don't recognise the person she is now the relationships finished. I'm going back to polite indifference when dealing with her, it seems to be the best way to go. I'll have to try and stop getting anxious and worrying about my child's situation. As long as the love, support and needs are met then hopefully everything will be ok. It's been so emotionally draining, hope things get better! Edited December 3, 2014 by laddie
Pascoe Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Hang in there Laddie... I believe the best way to deal with the ex is exactly as you have suggested. Don't play into the drama... And believe me your daughter will remember and appreciate that you never say anything bad about her mother. My daughter is 16 and her mother and I have been divorced for 15 of those years. It is a difficult situation. Believe me there were countless times I wanted to say something negative about my ex. If I felt something about to slip out I would take a second and try to think of a way to turn it into a positive about my ex. I do have to admit though, I wouldn't want to have anyone else but my ex as an "ex". She never one time tried to use the children as a "tool" to get to me and always keeps me informed of all of the activities, etc...
ThreeYearsDumb Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 Thanks for the replies guys. Pascoe I've never said a bad word against my Ex nor will I. I'm sure when my child gets older she'll appreciate that I have'nt spoke in a negative way about my ex. I've tried to remain civil throughout, even though it's been difficult with the stuff she's thrown in my direction to create drama. ThreeyearsDumb, I can totally empathise with your situation. I've found it hard dealing with her behaviour when Ive had to interact getting my child. One minute reasonably friendly and the next hostile. Never know which one it'll be. I'm not sure if it's demonising the other person to justify the situation, or creating drama to feed off the reaction or simply an immature or nasty person. I don't recognise the person she is now the relationships finished. I'm going back to polite indifference when dealing with her, it seems to be the best way to go. I'll have to try and stop getting anxious and worrying about my child's situation. As long as the love, support and needs are met then hopefully everything will be ok. It's been so emotionally draining, hope things get better! My Ex has done the demonizing thing as well, gone out of her way to yell and scream that I've been disrespectful and not the co parent my kid deserves. I honestly think she does it to make it easier for herself, to make herself feel less guilty. I have been nothing but above reproach and always sacrificed my needs for theirs. I'm sure deep down she realizes it, but its easier to make me the villain. In my weaker moments I think she does it because she's not really over me. I have this issue where I can't move on while I think there's still hope for us. I understand that there is no way to know what will happen in the future, but for some reason I need this absolute finality to know its over before I let go. My Ex has done and said just about everything she can to let me know its over, but as long as I interpret this glimmer of hope, I'm stuck.
Author laddie Posted December 6, 2014 Author Posted December 6, 2014 I've been there and done it threeyearsdumb. Your situation is pretty much the same as mine. Although I think I'm further along than you. It's easier for her to blame you for everything than look in the mirror at her own faults too. You really are better trying to move on because the outcome will probably be the same in the future as it is now. My ex would give mixed signals and give me hope, but looking back there was probably some residual feeling but it was probably using me as a comfort blanket, till she was ready to move on properly. If you keep on waiting and hoping that there's a chance of a reunion then you're just delaying your recovery, and you'll be hurt once again. That's where I'm at now. Spent months hoping for us to try again and it's delayed me moving on. If your ex wanted to try again she'd let you know. I know how you feel wanting to get together and be a family again but sometimes you just have to realise it's for the best and move on.
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