unforgotten Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Even though she at least emotionally cheated on me after being together for 7 years, I feel this major guilt and feel like I'm the reason she went to the other guy just 3 days after she ended it with me. I don't feel like I deserved it and that it wasn't fair on her part but that doesn't help me ease my pain. Now that I look back I believe our sex live was a also a huge cause for it. Not only that she felt lonely, not appreciated and wanted, I was also being a dick. She'd complain that I only have her for sex and that I don't even care for her anymore. I didn't take her serious and I was like "Why'd you even say this?!". But now that I look back I feel it's kind of true. I did love her though and would always risk my live for her but my actions and behavior were just opposite. Many times we didn't see each other for a whole day, I was with my buddies or working on my hobbies and later at night we'd meet for 2 hours or so, watch a movie and than I'd usually want to have sex. She'd often refuse and I was pissed about it or she just wasn't into it. Sometimes she'd make up these lame excuses. I remember one time when we didn't have a place to do it I wanted to do it in the car which would not be the first time we'd do that. She'd decline saying it wasn't appropriate etc. How come it suddenly isn't appropriate anymore?! Now that I look back I think she was like on purposely looking for a fight - maybe she thought I'd end it with her (she'd often say, If I'm that bad than go find someone else that isn't). I was so pissed I yelled at her and drove her right home and drop her off. If we did it, I would not like to cuddle after it (it's just not my thing!) and many times I'd just leave after when I basically got what I came for. No emotions left, just raw routine. I didn't see it back then but now I do and I feel like a complete douche which I am. I cannot turn back time to undo it and I know if we'd be together again I'd show her my best me and that I realized my mistakes and what to change them but I feel like after this there is not way she is ever coming back. The new guy will treat her so much better. The last period of our relationship was declining so much and I just didn't see it. I kind of took her for granted and didn't bother so much about everything. If she'd be angry at me I'd be like ok be angry and work on your stuff, I have other stuff to do, why bother. I never saw a BU coming because I would never leave even if things got even messier. And don't get me wrong. I could leave and I had opportunities to date cute better looking girls but what we had - this connection and attachment meant more to me. I love her even now after all this crap and I'd be together with her even if I had to jack off to the rest of my life. You know, I was pissed at her being the way she was and she was pissed at me being the way I was but we never saw that a solution was sitting just in front of us, we'd just have to make a compromise but we were both pulling our way like complete morons. The loneliness drove her away into "cheating". I bet she was like "I deserve more than this" and than this guy came along (her best friend from the past who loved her), she fell in love with him and she felt like she has to give him an opportunity because he will absolutely make the best of it. I know it takes two to tango and I realize her faults as well but that doesn't help me much with overcoming guilt. I believe my part of being guilty played a bigger role. Though she kind of stopped trying as well. There were not many times (I'd have probably been able to count them on one hand) that she'd "seduce" me into having sex with her. It was always my initiative. I sometimes felt like if I wouldn't say anything to her for a month then we just wouldn't do it. She took it as a raw routine as well. She'd be like, OK I don't wanna do it but let me take care of you so you'll give me a break or here, do your thing. You think I enjoyed that? It bothered me too I just didn't say anything. We got caught up in this vicious cycle and we didn't break it. Don't get me wrong, she did get horny and was enjoying sex but the last year or so everything went downhill. And now when she ended it she's all dressed up looking nice, nails done, make up etc. I'm like cmon, I'd almost have to beg you before to look that nice. But I realize all my faults and I've told them to her and she's like what's done is done, let's move on. And I feel completely worthless. I feel like the lowest scum on the Earth. People say it doesn't matter who's fault it is and that it takes two tango. Realize your mistakes and move on and make sure you won't do them again. This doesn't help me at all! How can this help me when I want to make it right with HER and not with someone else and I can't since she's with someone else?! How can this help me when I think of her and her new guy treating her so much better. This won't help me when I see them two married and having a child. I will haunt me for the rest of my life. I had the love of my live and I lost it because I was a complete blind idiot.
TiredConfusedHurtSad Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 (edited) There were not many times (I'd have probably been able to count them on one hand) that she'd "seduce" me into having sex with her. It was always my initiative. That's most females. Maybe they're socialized to wait, maybe they're socialized to use their own bodies as a bargaining chip, and maybe "sex" is not just about the act itself but includes the whole context -- probably a combination of all this and more...but don't feel bad about *that*...for some reason, most females are very, very, very finicky when it comes to sex. And of course, it could be that she's just not into you anymore. It's very hard dealing with females when it comes to sex because, you gotta understand, they have very different evolutionary motivations than males do. Though we all have sex for recreation (and, yeah, to "express love," if you must get all mystical about it), in our unconsciousness minds -- at the level of our genes -- it's about pro-creation, and females just have vastly different reproductive concerns than we do. Even though, as already noted, we rarely intend to have sex for reproductive purposes. Please don't get all crazy about this. Sex means more to a female than it does to a male, generally. Even a so-called slut who seems to sleep around a lot has a vastly different idea of sex than the typical guy who wants a female who seems to exhibit the sexual drive of a so-called slut but can somehow keep herself faithful to him only. It's like an "Army shower" versus a five-star bubble bath, oftentimes. Just can't compare. Most women want a big ol' bubble bath, however raw and raunchy they may like the sex itself (see, it's hard talking about this, even, because we have just that one word, "sex," for something that's really a continuum), whereas a lotta guys got a huge urge and want to relieve it as soon as possible...it's like the difference between sprinters and marathoners -- they're both runners, but very, very different.... People say it doesn't matter who's fault it is and that it takes two tango. Realize your mistakes and move on and make sure you won't do them again. This doesn't help me at all! How can this help me when I want to make it right with HER and not with someone else and I can't since she's with someone else?! It helps YOU because what you need to learn is not how to restore the spilt milk, which is typically impossible, but how not to spill milk anymore! I will haunt me for the rest of my life. I had the love of my live and I lost it because I was a complete blind idiot. As it should: that's the whole point of learning, of learning that sticks. It's a life-lesson, among many more to come. How to keep oneself from goin' crazy? Developing Buddhist-like non-attachment. It's our attachments, which come from our egotism, which though evolutionarily necessary is often maladaptive to modern-day realities (like many people's natural propensity to eat, eat, eat, or acquire, acquire, acquire)...and egotism comes from mistaking our inner realities for the real world outside our heads...et cetera. Edited December 3, 2014 by TiredConfusedHurtSad Corrections, clarification.
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