cheaters

[ChonChon]

Why do women (I shouldn't generalize) take cheating men back? I don't get it. My best female friend found out that her boyfriend (old acquaintance of mine) cheated on her with two different girls within these past couple of years. He has admittingly cheated on every gf he has had. She left him, but she is starting to crack. She says she misses him. Understandibly so. There is never a clean cut with relationships. But she is considering taking him back. Maybe I have a conflict of interest because I am crazy about her and she knows it. But from my experiences, it always seems like history usually repeats itself. It just seems like after trust is no longer there, it is too difficult to be in a solid relationship. Just sounding off here. What do you all think?

[CheatedOn]

Love is blind. My boyfriend cheats on me all the time. I temporarily get upset but always take him back. I miss him too much when we're apart.

[angelj]

its like this...

 

once a girl falls so hard for a guy love is blind just like cheatedon said. when a guy treats a girl like total crap...if he plays mind games and strings her along and she still sticks around..a lot of the time girls get this idea implanted in their head that maybe this time it will be different...or well just because he did that to her doesnt mean it will happen with me. shoot we all want to believe we are some miracle workers who can change a person and their bad habits. sometimes that can happen, but sadly enough and more often than not it does not. some people say once a player always a player. i halfway agree with that statement but i do not think everything in life is as black and white as that. girls generally just believe that when they love someone so much they cannot possibly love someone else half as much...or that no one else will come along who will want them as much...i dont know. there are lots of reasons i am only naming a few. i can tell you why i put up with games and cheating and bs. its because many times i thought deep down i know he feels bad i know he didnt want to hurt me, i know he loves me because he still sticks around...but after a while you get sick of dealing. its like a slap in the face and then you realize hello what am i doing here there are much better things out there for me!!! and your self confidence goes wake up woman and find yourself a real man.

 

you are crazy about her...shes probably a great girl and you are an even greater guy for seeing thru this jerks crap. just give her space and be her friend. odds are she will come around one day..but it might take a while.

 

we all get stuck with situations...i sound like such a level-headed person but when you take a look at my post you probably think to yourself, "what are you doing angelj, move on!!"

 

*sigh*

 

love is a funny thing i guess?

[Quintana1985]

I was cheated on by my boyfriend once after being with him for 5 years. Now, he regrets everything he's done, but i can't trust him anymore. Although I still love him with all my heart, I know that it'll never work out because the trust isn't there. It is really sad how he loves me and I love him, but we just can't be together.

[CheatedOn]

angelj, you make some good points. I have some questions -

If a guy in his late 30's cheats on you, even openly knowing that you won't leave him - will he ever change?

 

If a guy in his late 30's who has been a player all his life, gets into a new relationship - is there any possibility he will no longer be a player? Maybe I want to find out if the above player on his gf will actually no longer be a player as in some day fall so much in love that he will no longer cheat.

 

Does cheating have anything to do with love? Do men who are REALLY in love, can they still cheat? I know most think the cheating can in some instances have only to do with physical attraction. If a man is satisfied with everything his girl brings to the table - physically AND emotionally - will he still cheat/play her? Does the fact that my bf cheat on me mean that he really doesn't love me, even though he says he does and we've been together for a long time?

[angelj]

gosh cheated on...i had to think a lot about what you said before i could give any answers...

 

ok, this is my shot at it. im not licensed (yet... ) but i have some insight and well, heres what i have to say...and its a lot.

 

 

If a guy in his late 30's cheats on you, even openly knowing that you won't leave him - will he ever change?

If a guy in his late 30's who has been a player all his life, gets into a new relationship - is there any possibility he will no longer be a player? Maybe I want to find out if the above player on his gf will actually no longer be a player as in some day fall so much in love that he will no longer cheat.

 

ok...this is tough. a guy in his late 30s..well you would want to think this man is grown up by now, right? a lot of people say (and what i have come to believe?) is that if a man doesn't begin to grow up by their late 20s, well, they are just a lost cause. now im trying very hard not to generalize/stereotype so please, i hope no one misreads this/takes offense...i dont know if he will ever change. i feel that cheating stems from some lack of security within oneself. think about it, if you are a very level-headed, happy, confident person, why would you feel the need to cheat? i sometimes think one cheats to feel needed? but there are plenty of reasons. i have taken many classes on marriage/family and sociology/relationships that dissect cheating/marital affairs. there are many answers that pyschologists/sociologists offer as to why people cheat. i dont think there is one solid answer. i do feel that it mainly stems from insecurity and unhappiness. i also feel that different situations in a persons life/family background strongly effect their ability to maintain healthy relationships.

 

there is a possibility one would no longer be a player. i feel that there is no way of telling. sometimes some people mature at a slower rate than others. example - a guy i know cheated on every girlfriend he ever had (and he had quite a few...) he also had a screwed up family life and always seemed to date girls with issues. everyone always said this guy would be a player for the rest of his life. he is now 26. suddenly, he is dating a new girl. she is different than any girl he has ever dated in the past. (although i think shes a moron and cant imagine her being good for him...) he is in school, his attitude toward EVERYONE is different (much more pleasent), and as far as everyone knows...he has yet to cheat on her. maybe mr player finally grew up?

 

 

Does cheating have anything to do with love? Do men who are REALLY in love, can they still cheat? I know most think the cheating can in some instances have only to do with physical attraction. If a man is satisfied with everything his girl brings to the table - physically AND emotionally - will he still cheat/play her? Does the fact that my bf cheat on me mean that he really doesn't love me, even though he says he does and we've been together for a long time?

 

 

does cheating have anything to do with love...ok. i think love is a really, REALLY tricky topic. love cannot be defined nor described or analyzed or explained with scientific notions. love is different for everyone and there are ALL TYPES OF LOVE. John Lee was a researcher who was interested in discovering what love is all about. he came up with 6 styles and, if i remember correctly they were eros, ludas, storge, pragma, mania, and agape. now this isnt soc. class but all im saying is there are different levels of love ranging from that strong friendly bond to maniac and game-playing love. i agree with this and i agree that cheating does have something to do with love. you may love someone and still cheat. its just a different type of love. i feel that men may be "in love" and still cheat because something else is lacking in their lives. what you have to remember is the reason why someone cheats on you is not soley because of you. you are not the cause of all bad things in a relationship to occur, and thats where most of us women are wrong. we all feel we are the reason things go wrong, or we are the reason they cheat. oh we were too much, oh we didnt give enough, we didnt bring enough spice in the relationship...we were too overbearing. i say bs. i say yes, cheating in SOME instances can only deal with physical attraction/state of mind. (alcohol + a friendly, flirty girl...) but if someone like this boyfriend of yours is continually cheating....i think he loves you, but what he loves even more is the notion that he can go and do whatever he wants and still know that he has the comfort and security of a girlfirend that he is sooooo safe and happy with right by his side. of course hes got love for you woman, hes been with you forever and he keeps going back!

 

from what i've learned is that guys don't usually enjoy change. actually, they downright hate it. (the guys i've been involved with at least...) its like they would rather stick it out in some stupid meaningless relationship rather than go through the pain and process of breaking up, healing, and then getting to know someone new. and especially if they can just go about their business and do what they please...(drugs, cheat, etc..) well heck, who wouldn't want that type of life? its just all so simple..right?

 

did that answer any questions? i dunno maybe some of it was ranting but i hope i shed some light on this topic.

 

another example...a guy i know was stuck in a miserable relationship. 4 1/2 years of it. drug-dependent, abusive, you freakin name it. all he ever said was i want it to be over. (he was a cheater too) but it didnt matter, the girlfriend just broke up and got back with him. it was all so comfortable he said. i hate change, she knows me like the back of her hand. its so hard to get to know someone else and know they will always be there. the pain and misery got the best of him..so did the fact that the only things that made him happy were being with OTHER people and NOT her..and the realization that comfortabily does not = happiness. after a heart-wrenching break-up he started dating someone new. he treated this girl like gold. no, platinum. but she was also a completely different person than his ex.

 

dont beat yourself up over the fact that he cheats but know this...the fact that he DOES cheat wrecks havoc on you. why should you continually get hurt over and over? once is a shame on them but twice is a shame on you. and any more after that...blah.

 

let me know what you think...times up, my session is over for the evening

[XNemesisX]

Wow first off...EXCELLENT reply angelj!

 

I think that cheaters may continue this once they see that the person will continuously take them back. It makes them feel like they can get away with anything. Now, my response is going to be pretty short and sweet but I think you need to teach this guy a lesson. Even if you don't want to break up with him, DO IT. Make him see how much he is putting at stake. Do not talk to him, treat him with a cold shoulder. Make him WORK to get you back and please do not make this easy for him. He will keep on cheating until he gets a wake up call. Once you see that you really do mean the world to him, and he has EARNED you back then slowly start warming up to him again. Please note: I said SLOWLY!!!!!

 

I am saying this from personal experience. I have dated cheaters too. He loves you, he really does but this will not be enough to stop him from cheating once he sees that he can have his cake and eat it too so to speak. Don't let this be easy for him. I wish I had been harder on my ex when he would cheat but like a dum dum I would take him back after a few days of him pleading. This needed to be extended to MONTHS when he will KNOW that you really mean business.

 

This might just sounds like a head game but this is something you NEED to do if you ever want to see a good side to him. He doesn't appreciate you right now, and he's taking you for granted by cheating. Let him know that it is you and no one else or else he can just stick to his sex flings without you. Chances are, once you scare the crap out of him by acting like you REALLY want to break up and he sees that he just may lose you over this, I bet he will see things with a totally new perspective and see what is REALLY important to him. It sucks, but sometimes people have to lose something to really know what they had and then some changes can occur. He will not stop cheating on you at this point unless you show him that you will NOT stand for this!

[OCGirl]

Hmm lemme break this down and it may sounds cold and harsh but believe me it's true...Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater..let me repeat that...ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER. They can change but not when cheating with or on you!!!!! Maybe if it was their past history but if they cheat on you, bolt, run, buy some nikes and make like FloJo for the 100 yard dash for the gold and don't look back.

 

Once they have done it, you have taken them back, they know you will fogive them and they will do it again. It will forever be in your head...in the back of your mind... it's NOT worth it! No person is worth that and you are worth more period! Value yourself more because there is someone else out there who will treat you better and LOVE you...keyword love you. Someone who loves you doesn't "share" themselves with another. Love yourself, value yourself and most importantly...want better for yourself.

 

I speak from experience. I have been a reformed cheater. I have been on both sides of the fence. Now, we can change but not in the SAME relationship. We cheat for reasons. It's called we aren't happy. To be honest, it's not your fault but we aren't happy with the relationshipa nd we will continue doing it if we know we can. I hate being blunt but I guess thats what this is for.

 

Can we be reformed? Yes we can. I have found someone I would never think of doing that to in a million years. People change, things change. Sometimes people want security and a playground. Don't let them have it. It's not worth the tears or the heartache.

[CheatedOn]

angelj and YX32Nemesis, your views are very interesting and have made me feel better. I needed reassurance that my cheating boyfriend does really love me. He shows it and says it but I get confused since he cheats and wasn't sure if it was about loving other girls too or not loving me or ?? but it makes sense that since he's been with me for a long time, he must really love me. The fact that men don't like change - I don't think he's like that. If he didn't care for me to be around, he would not have me in his life.

 

Your posts are very interesting and I will be reading over it again. Maybe one day he will finally stop and realize my worth and apprciate me too much to do this. I don't know how this will happen. Maybe I should think about breaking up? No, I can't go through with that, no way. What if instead of trying to get me back he gets sice-tracked with another girl or gets mad at me or ? I can't risk doing something like that, but I wish things would get better somehow.

 

OCgirl, your response makes me a little nervous because you think a man who loves his gf will not cheat on her. Iwant to believe that the cheating has nothing to do with his love. Maybe it's from his supbringing surroundings or a bad habbit that I need to find a way to break.

[SuperFantastico]

Jelousy and frustration hidden by a mask of concern. I love it. Been there many times.

Basically you want to know why she would be stupid enough to go for a guy who treats her like **** and not a guy like you *cough* actually you *cough* who treats her really well.

 

Well some women love drama, and cheating guys give them some drama. Something to complain about and something to try for (i can change him).

 

Dont wait around for her. Find a normal girl to date. Let this one be a retard.

 

P.S. Its partly a self esteem problem. If you feel you are worthless, you will let these things slide. If you feel you deserve better, you will seek it out and dump these people when they do cheat. Some people feel they cant get anything better. Using the line, love is blind is sometimes an excuse to cover up ones fears of not being able to find someone else.

[CurvyGurl]

Women think that there are so few men on the planet that they have to grab hold of the one they got and hang on for dear life. Shame.

[opaleye]

Cheatedon- here's the deal- you don't like things the way they are. That is understandable since your guy is cheating on you and making you feel like crap. So you aren't happy with your current situation. But you are afraid that if you stand up for yourself and dump him, if you make him prove that he actually loves you and wants you, that he won't come back to you. This will be proof that he in fact doesn't love you and doesn't want you. Then you will be alone.

 

But what is better? Knowing that you are not the one he wants, being alone and eventually finding someone who does want you -or staying with him, hoping that he loves you but in fact doubting that he does. And if he doesn't then what's the point anyway? If you dump him and he doesn't come back then you will know that it's over. If you dump him and he does come back then you will know that it's not over. So why not find out? If you risk it and he finds someone else then at least you will be free to get someone else for yourself. You are letting yourself be second best. You need to get some self-confidence. If he is that easily "sidetracked" by some other girl during your possible break up then he isn't worth your time at all. Don't blind yourself to the truth here.

 

I don't think that just because he stays with you and comes back to you after cheating with other girls that that means he loves you. You could just be convenient. Sometimes something is just good enough to stick around for- you know too good to leave too bad to stay? Convenient? who wants that? I really believe that if someone loves you- really loves you and values you then they will not cheat on you. Especially not repetitively. You deserve better! Instead of waiting around for him to realise your worth and appreciate you should do it yourself- realise your own self worth and appreciate yourself- if you don't then there is no way he ever will. Stop being a doormat and take charge of this!

[CheatedOn]

What if I tell him that it is acceptible if we are in what is called an "open relationship" in which he is free to see other women? That way I might not get hurt by finding out he is cheating, as that will no longer be cheating. Has anyone been in that type of a relationship before? I don't think he would let me see other men, I wouldn't want to anyways, I love him too much, but maybe I will feel less hurt if his cheating is out in the open. What do you all think about that? good idea? I want things to work out between us.

[SuperFantastico]

Perhaps you should just say 'you can do what you want and walk all over me'

That might work a bit better. Being in love is not an excuse to let yourself be treated like crap.

 

You must have some sort of esteem issues, or else you'd tell him to go **** himself...... pardon my french.

 

Dump him, take the 6 months or year of pain then find yourself someone who will make you happy for the rest of your life.

 

Easy is ...er easier in the short run. Its easier to sit back stuck in a rut and suffer slow cuts, than to take the harder route of breaking up and having it hurt so much you think you are gonna die, but in the long run being much happier.

 

Sorta like chopping of a finger thats slowly going putrid.

[opaleye]

CheatedOn- If you really don't care about yourself one bit then go for it. Be in an open relationship. Let him take whatever he wants from you and leave you to rot once he's done with you. He will have NO respect for you at all. I am sorry to be harsh but seriously you need to get some freaking self respect! Being in an open relationship just so that you won't have to face that he is cheating is a terrible idea. You are addicted to him and aren't going to give him up easily.

 

Surely you know that this isn't right?! He is treating you like garbage because you are letting him, in fact you are inviting him to walk all over you! He is not worth your self esteem and he is not worth your time. You need to realise that this isn't love. This is you giving everything and him taking what he wants and then wandering off to F**k someone else when the desire takes him. If you are going to be happy with him coming home to you at 2 in the morning covered in another girls sweat, smelling of her perfume, her lipstick on his lips and probably on his c*ck then fine, you do whatever you want so that you can keep him. But I tell you he is not worth it. Don't throw away your last shreds of dignity so you can get his leftovers.

[CheatedOn]

I need help with a solution and this is the only one I think I will be able to live with. When I suspect he has been with another woman he heads straight for the shower anyways when he gets home late so it's not like I smell a woman's odor on him. If we set it up so that it;s not a secret when he is with other women, maybe I won't feel so hurt all the time that he is doing these things behind my back all the time. Maybe he will respect me that he will see how much i love him so much that i will be willing to do what it takes to make him happy and stay with me. If I complain we will fight and he might leave me and I would be all alone. It sounds easy when people say meet someone else but it does not happen like magic like that. I need help to make it so it is not hard on me and not the simple leave him solution that everyone is so harsh to say and hurt my feelings even more.

[opaleye]

Thing is that you only want us to say that you are doing the right thing but so far I don't think that anyone has agreed. I personally don't think that what you are doing will make you feel any better in the long run. You think that it's the only way. YOu think that he will respect you for loving him so much that you will do whatver he wants, I think that he will only lose respect for you- you are giving up yourself for him.

 

You want us to say that he is good and worthy of your time. I won't. He isn't worthy of you. You want us to say that he is the best you are ever going to get. He isn't. He cheats on you. He doesn't respect you. You want us to say that you shouldn't leave him and that he loves you despite his actions. I won't. I think you should leave him. But I don't expect you'll listen because it isn't what you want to hear.

[opaleye]

I don't want to hurt your feelings CheatedOn but you aren't helping yourself. You aren't protecting yourself from pain and hurt. You are allowing it. All I want is you to realise that you are worth more than that. And you deserve to not have to feel so much pain in a truly loving relationship. It's not equal. You are not equal partners here. In a healthy loving relationship you shouldn't have to give up so much self-esteem and happiness.

[CheatedOn]

Thank you for your notes opaleye. Maybe I am too hurt to think straight. He is not home tonight and it is one of those nights again when I feel hurt and I don't know what to do. Maybe I am too weak to leave him but I have thought i don't want to leave because I love him too much but I cant take feeling hurt when he cheats on me and I think I won't find anyone else i could love more. I hope I will think differently and have the courage to mak e a change. it helps to read your posts here again and again to help me to think different.

[SuperFantastico]

Its all about fear CheatedOn. Like you said, you are afraid that you will not find anouther person. That is not even remotely true. There are about 3 billion women and 3 billion men in the world. Do the math and you will see there is a pretty good chance you will find anouther person

 

So whats your situation. Living with him, married, kids. Give some details and perhaps us forum types might be able to customise a reply better.

 

As it stands now, i say dump the loser and get on with your life.

 

I've been in your situation(sort of ) before. And one thing i have learned is investing your happiness in the hands of someone else is always a failiure. You must be happy with yourself THEN and only then will you find someone who treats you the way you should be treated.

 

People are like animals, they see weakness and they take advantage of it like this guy with you. For whatever reason you feel bad about yourself. You must change this first, and then you will have the strength and confidence to demand what you want and choose whats right for you.

 

Take some classes in something. You can meet people with the same interests as you. And it gives you something to be proud of. Im not gonna lie to you. Rebuilding yourself into a stronger person is a slow and sometimes painful process.

But it is, or should be, THE most important thing in your life right now. You are in charge of how your life goes, not others, not this loser guy.

[OCGirl]

OMG... I just have to repeat myself again.. let's say it together... YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS! This man is not the only man on earth!

 

Sharing him with other woman is not showing him you love him..it's showing him you are a spineless doormat! Sorry to be blunt and forgive me if I sound mean but it's just plain stupid! No man, will respect you! He doesn't even respect you if he is cheating on you now!

 

Respect is important. If a man doesn't respect you then he doesn't love you and love is not born over night. It is either there showing it's self through respect and commitment or it's not. It's not there in your case.

 

Please... please... I beg you... for your own self worth and happiness find a man who deserves you and only you!!!!!!!

[XNemesisX]

What if I tell him that it is acceptible if we are in what is called an "open relationship" in which he is free to see other women? That way I might not get hurt by finding out he is cheating, as that will no longer be cheating.

 

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

CheatedOn-

 

I'm telling you from PERSONAL EXPERIENCE do not, and I repeat do NOT let him walk all over you like this. I was the same way as you..I let the cheating slide off my back and I stayed with the guy because I didn't think I could love anyone as much. You know what happened eventually? He LEFT me because he saw what a wimp I was and you know what else? The more you let him walk all over you the more the perceived value he has for you goes DOWN. Do you really want that? Do you want him to think of you as a mindless puppy who will keep coming back to him after he kicks you and drags your emotions through the mud? I gurantee you he will eventually leave you if he can see that you will just take whatever he throws at you.

 

I do believe that he loves you. Cheating has nothing to do with love. It has to do with opportunity and the character of the person. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. I think plenty of people cheat that truly love their partners. They just want the comfort and security of their SO while also having the fun aspects of a single life all at the same time. Don't stand for this!

 

You need to show him that you mean business. He will gain a whole new respect for you and will love you so much more if you show him that you ARE VALUABLE and worth being faithful to. I really suspect you have low self-esteem and you are fearful that you won't find anyone else. I have been there, and let me tell you..even if you don't believe you are worth more than this ACT like you are, even if you don't really believe it. ACT your heart out if you have to to him. It will be worth it in the end.

 

Don't tell him you can have an open relationship...he is just going to throw you out like yesterday's garbage eventually once he sees how desperate you are over him. That will kill interest in a heartbeat. PLEASE CheatedOn...love yourself more than this. Show him you mean business and act stern with him. Don't let him do this to you. If after you give him silent treatment/break up as I suggested, he still doesn't act like he gives a damn then (pardon my french) F*CK HIM!!!!

[SuperFantastico]

Personally i wouldnt even give the shmuck a second chance.

[XNemesisX]

Personally i wouldnt even give the shmuck a second chance.

 

Yes, but we can see that this is not an option for CheatedOn...so realistically we have to think of things she can do with her decision to want to stay with him.

[SuperFantastico]

There is always a better way, we just have to look inside and find that hidden strength. At least try C-O . If it dosnt work, you will still be able to be a FWB. But at least try to move on.

 

Nemisis you are a realist, i like that. Thats the best thing about these forums you get both sides, giving you lots of different ways to look at situations.

 

If you become this FWB C-O it might make you happy for a bit, but it will eat you up in the long run. Perhaps its the only way you will get over him. Get sick enough of the crap to move on.