Extreme Denial Of A Cheater

[DbleBetrayal]

"I actually set this all up with a fake number and a fake female's voice just to see how jealous you'd get and show how insecure you are"

 

Wow. That's Gaslighting Central.

[inpeices]

I have another post in the Breaks and Breaking Up forum titled, "She Cheated and I left."

 

 

I'm healing but looking for perspective.

 

 

My question to those here is:

 

 

What is your experience with the extreme denial, rewriting of history and demonizing that an unremorseful cheater does including denial of infidelity in the face of insurmountable evidence?

 

Hi Egojoe, good to hear you are doing ok.. In answer to your question, here are some of my experiences as a Bs, prior/during/discovery of affair & subsequent failed recovery..

 

Denial...

 

They seem to enter into some warped reality of their very own.. Prior to discovery but whilst actively in the affair, mine would deny the very science of time.. I could name many, but one particular occasion where WS went 'shopping' after work and rolled in four hours later. They finish work at 5.30pm and are home by 6pm latest, religiously, for 7yrs.. And the shops close at 8.30pm on this day. The journey from the shops takes 17 minutes.. You do the math..and they show you what they bought.. Two new bra's and a work top.. Then try to convince you this took four hours.. When asked to account for their time (I was heavily suspecting an affair) they laughed it off, distracted me with a lovely presentation of their new purchases and told me I was being silly.. No excuses like "there was a traffic jam, or I finished late" I guess I took them by surprise by being forthcoming with suspicion, they hadn't prepared a logical excuse..

Two months later, when the affair was discovered, the phone records showed she was on the phone for an hour and a half to OW (yes (OW)

 

Denial on D-Day.. Found phone records 24hrs before, kept it all together, waited for her to "come home" from the overnight stay at her "friends" (actually been picked up from the "friends" by OW and stayed with OW overnight) OW drops her off up the road and she walks in absolutely hungover like death.. (We are going out this evening to celebrate my birthday ha ha ha..NOT!)

I say "hey, why didn't Freya drop you at the door?" Oh..I asked her to drop me at the shop as I wanted x/y/z

 

I say "we need to talk about what is going on with OW"

Reply "don't know what you are talking about"

I say "don't insult me, I have proof, don't make me have to show it to you"

She says "I don't know what you are on about, honestly, and anyway, I thought we were going out, don't ruin the night before it even starts"

I think, ok..fine, bare faced lies, I have every call and text on pages and pages of A4 sitting next to me.. I just chucked them on the table and said "what is this then?"

Reply "yeah i know, we text and talk alot, she has been a massive support to me, I love talking to her, me and you haven't been right for a long time, she has been trying to support me" her eyes went black, her face was a picture, she ran upstairs and phoned OW, the rest is history.. But denial yes.. They had been intimate for 2.5 months at this point as I subsequently discovered, and no "we hadn't been right" because someone was dropping their knickers for someone else and destroying the relationship.. Which is where the DEMONIZING and RE-WRITING of history began its dance..

 

Suddenly I was a violent, aggressive drunk who she was scared of, who she had wanted to get away from and had fallen out of love with years ago..

 

Four months prior, we are sitting in a beautiful mountainous location, with a firepit, under the stars, about 300 miles from home, having a weekend break together.. Six months prior, we are in London for three nights to celebrate her birthday in the snow! visiting Madame Tussaud's, big name concert that night, top hotel, dined in Gaucho's overlooking London bridge with friends, followed by a chauffeur driven car home.. All a surprise for her...

 

Sound like a terrified partner to you? Brings tears to my eyes just remembering all this..

 

Re-writing history? Yeah loads of that, none of the 12yrs mattered anymore.. It was all about the high off sex sex sex...

 

3yrs later.. Ex WS is still having her cake and eating it, OW hasn't a clue.. I'm well clear and think OW did me a favour to be honest as much as it has destroyed my very soul..

 

I wasn't perfect, I wasn't faultless, I went crazy on discovery and this just backed up her story of how terribly scared she was blah blah..I just couldn't control my emotions.. But then losing your relationship of 12yrs, your home, your job and seeing them play happy families in your 'home' would send most people off kilter.. I'm glad I didn't kill myself, it was a very real option at the time..

 

I now see I am better off without this narcissistic person, and have learnt so much about myself.. It was obviously the path I was meant to tread.

 

Some people just can't be honest and manufacture fictitious nonsense to justify their appalling behaviour.. And they say they are sorry, but wouldn't have a clue about 'showing' they are sorry..unless they are truly remorseful.. Mine wasn't.. She might one day, but for now.. She is playing the field admirably, and I simply couldn't care less

[DbleBetrayal]

SHE LIED UNTIL HE SHOWED ME THE PICS OF OF HER ENGAGED IN SEX ACTS WITH HIM...AFTER i OUTED HIM TO HIS BW..

After i saw those ...not much left to say...

 

 

Holy crap. Ew that's majorly effed up! So the OM just rocked up at yours and showed you the pics? Or did he email them to you? One things for sure, she couldn't gaslight her way out of that one.

[EgoJoe]

Thank you for sharing that inpeices. I think I handled myself well but I have the emotional rollercoaster all the same.

 

 

I don't know if you read my thread but it was vicious.

 

 

I'm now ending the second fourth day of NC and the second day of zero contact from her. I've given everything back, even things I didn't have to. I have avoided interactions and not fallen into the cycle of lashing out again.

[EgoJoe]

Nine days NC from me. Seven days of silence from her. Looking back she was a poster child for BPD etc.

 

 

I learned some things I didn't want to. The silence is actually deafening. Phantom meet me requests on my dating profile but I'm probably just paranoid.

 

 

I had vivid dreams of her last night the first ones since the day after. I kept waking up, two of her running and me discovering things and after that was sexual she was coming on to me while bad mouthing him. I woke up sick to my stomach.

 

 

I keep hearing the times she said she can do better than me. But she left me for a soldier who lived with his mother and I've had periods of incredible success.

 

 

So many things about our relationship were a lie. She had the nerve to text me while in bed with him that last week, to deny everything and rewrite history when I was already working on the relationship and myself. She had the nerve to call the cops and file police reports.

 

 

I keep reminding myself that she is sick and I'm not codependent enough for someone like that, I realize that everytime I balked at having a joint back account or resigning the apartment lease with her was war but the absolute cruelty just got to me hard today. I need to stop researching the mindset of a cheater and bpd and move on.

 

 

It had been two weeks since I moved out and I'm still traumatized. I'm working seven days a week but I could do better. I'm not doing bad but I could do better.

Edited December 10, 2014 by EgoJoe

[RightThere]

"It wasn't cheating this relationship has been over for a long time."

 

Classic cheater's line. I learned to follow it up with:

 

"If it was over, why didn't you just tell me you were going to go out and sleep with other men? Why did you lie about it then?"

 

Always met with stunned silence and "Yeah, I guess."

[EgoJoe]

I said something similar and it was met with, "That was when I thought the relationship could be saved."

 

 

I then called her a liar and a cheater and was met with an anguished scream. That was the last time we spoke.

 

 

The last time I saw her is documented in my thread she looked like hell and watched me drive away.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I said something similar and it was met with, "That was when I thought the relationship could be saved."

 

 

I then called her a liar and a cheater and was met with an anguished scream. That was the last time we spoke.

 

 

The last time I saw her is documented in my thread she looked like hell and watched me drive away.

 

You know what's interesting?

 

On the one hand, I am working hard at R and trying to commit to spending the rest of my life with this woman, and being happy. Really working at it, and at times I'm very optimistic.

 

On the other hand, if we divorced tomorrow, I think I'd be fine to never ever speak with her or see her again.

 

Weird, right?

[RightThere]

You know what's interesting?

 

On the one hand, I am working hard at R and trying to commit to spending the rest of my life with this woman, and being happy. Really working at it, and at times I'm very optimistic.

 

On the other hand, if we divorced tomorrow, I think I'd be fine to never ever speak with her or see her again.

 

Weird, right?

 

I am 100% in the same mindset.

 

One minute I love my wife with all of my being. I am having fun, in love, wishing to spend all my time just being with her. And I enjoy changing who I was to be a better husband to her and complete our lives.

 

The next minute, I'm checking property listings, calculating how much I need to pay her out, and dreaming of communicating with her through two text messages a week.

 

I will say as time passes, the former occurs more frequently than the latter, but they are both ever present.

[EgoJoe]

I'm over the Ex as her lies and manipulations become increasingly apparent through natural pattern recognition but the extra bs gets to me here and there.

 

 

The following me outside, the denial, the disrespect and finally the offering my stuff back and then claiming she no longer had it and telling me to not communicate with her even though I wasn't.

 

 

I'm just glad my last text to her is, "I'm not the bad one here."

 

 

I'm talking to other women and working everyday. I'm not broke and I'm not ugly or dumb. I didn't get left on a down swing she pulled this BS when I was trying harder than ever.

[EgoJoe]

Also, I admire you guys for even attempting what you did. Even if I was given the opportunity to reconcile immediately I would not have been able to.

[RightThere]

Also, I admire you guys for even attempting what you did. Even if I was given the opportunity to reconcile immediately I would not have been able to.

 

It's honorable and pathetic all wrapped up into one nice package.

[EgoJoe]

How long did you deal with extreme denial etc?

[RightThere]

How long did you deal with extreme denial etc?

 

From my WW? Too long.

 

When I suspected an affair and confronted her, she owned up to it pretty quick. I had pretty good evidence. However there was a lot of trickle truth related to the affairs and details that probably dragged out for a month or so.

 

Now her denial of responsibility was much longer than that. At first she was totally unremorseful. She needed to have the affair because she wasn't getting what she needed in the relationship. She felt she could still be friends with her OM once their relationship was terminated. She felt that because I let her go out evenings with friends and not me, that meant I was OK with her sleeping around. It actually took a long time (and still goes on today) for her to realize that she was wrong and the affair was very hurtful.

 

She still exists in some denial today about in when we discuss it she says things like "I was wrong and I'm sorry, but I only lied to you about this one thing." I explain to her that it's not just one lie, it was thousands of lies about the same thing.

 

A lot of WS's I read about on here click right away and are totally remorseful Day 1 and give up everything to make their BS happy. Others take longer and realize over time what they've done.

 

I've got the latter and it doesn't make reconciliation any easier.

[EgoJoe]

All I got was cops called and trying to demean me, control me etc.

 

 

I'm not going to get an apology but I think even an admittance etc. Would have probably helped my healing.