AaronSG Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 (edited) Warning : Long Post Alert, This Could Be A Big One! Well folks, in just 3 short hours the date on the calendar will be the 3rd of December! Why might this be important, my ex-fiance walked out what used to be our front door on August 3rd, in 3 hours it will mark a total of 4 months since she's been gone! 4 months worth of time that have been filled with just about every emotion I think I'm capable of expressing, showing and feeling! 4 months worth of time that have allowed me to think about a lot of stuff, namely the events leading up to the breakup, the breakup itself and now to think about things post breakup. I got back home several hours ago from a very long, rainy walk! A walk where towards the end, I stood alone in an empty parking lot and just felt the rain come down upon my face, then I drifted into thinking, that I to have produced a lot of rain, the rain of tears that have come out of my eye's since she's been gone! But as I stood there, getting soaked and looking up into the dark clouds and feeling the hard rain, I thought, you know Aaron, every rainy storm always makes way for the light of the Sun and the blue of the sky! Upon thinking that I was taken back by what I said, every storm makes way for the coming Sun and blue sky?!?!?! It hit me, in regards to everything I've gone though these past 4 months has been in itself a virtual internal storm raging inside me, dark clouds, hard rains, strong winds.....but now I feel different, I no longer feel the turbulence of the winds, the sorrow of the rain, and the one black clouds that lingered over my head have faded! I am starting to feel my own personal internal storm giving way to the Sun and giving way to my own virtual blue sky's. I stood there drenched through my cloths wet in that parking lot, remembering the "good times" we had, trips like San Francisco, Lake Tahoe, Bodega Bay, Santa Cruz, the memory's of those places went past my eye's, and you know what, for the first time I "smiled" I actually went beyond the hurt of the memory and gave into the thought of "you'll always have the good times Aaron, with her, without her, no one can take those from you"! And at that moment I was just plain and simply happy to have enjoyed those places with her, for once I felt it was my honor to have shared those places! Rain dripping off my face I stood there and remembered this time last year, full of such happy times, good times, Holiday cheer, the togetherness, the 100th time listening to Jingle Bells.....yay.....not! For once the thought of those Holiday memory's from last year didn't really hurt, I stood there for once just being thankful to have had someone in my life at that time to enjoy that Holiday season with. The memory's of our many Down Town Sacramento trips flashed before my eye's, the couple movies we saw, K-Street Mall, Old Town, Johnny Rockets, it all came back to me, but unlike the times before, where these memory's would hurt me, again, I drifted into thinking that I should just feel good about the fact that you had someone in your life Aaron to have shared that with. Standing there in that mildly dark empty parking lot, I look towards the ground, I looked at a particular area of the parking lot that my ex-faince and I would walk through to get to one of our stores down the street. I remembered the many times we walked that, hand in hand, smile to smile, I remembered that and it in turn it spawned thought and memory's we shared together inside of what used to be our home. Dinner and Netflix nights, playing Uno, sitting upon the sofa just talking, in our bedroom making tons of love, cooking together in the kitchen, the front patio BBQ dinners outside during the warm summer evenings, the swimming, the spa, the small gym, our late night walks together, going to the river and skipping stones and talking about what our kids will be like when we have them and what our first home together might look like and be. The hosting of friends and family, working together as a team to clean the apartment, hanging out with our two cats, video gaming together, the works, I was hit by it all tonight............and again.........for the first time the thoughts of it all didn't really hurt me! Again I was overcome with the notion that I should feel blessed to have shared my home with her. Don't get me wrong here folks, I'm not going to lie to you, the way of life and life style I shared with my ex-faince is very much missed. I miss many aspects of it all, but I'm stood there and realized and told myself....."Aaron, your still living each day without her, your still doing things without her, your now sleeping restful and sound nights without her, your cooking some good meals without her, your still talking and sometimes hosting friends without her, your still hanging out with family without her, your taking care of the two cat's without her, your keeping your home very clean and tidy without her.............the key point............I'm doing all this "without her", yeah, sometimes it's odd and sometimes it's very uncomfortable, but again, I'm now able to live many of the aspects of my life as I did before meeting her! I now know I'm not going to "die without her" on the contrary, these past 4 months have showed me that I'm still alive and kicking and when it comes to life and perhaps the next special woman of my life................."we ain't done yet"! Also while standing there being a sopping wet sponge in that parking lot, I thought back to all the harm that woman had done to me, my friends and my family. How her and her family swindled us out of a lot of time, energy and money! I thought back to all the money requests, hay Aaron can you spot me $50.00, couple weeks later...can you loan me $20.00 and so on! The money issues played a huge role in our demise. Her family lying about the death of my ex-faince's Sister, setting up a false funeral business on the web and channeling all moneys that we supposed to go to a dead persons final expenses, it all went to her Dad, ((found out about the fake death of the sister a couple weeks back))! Her controlling ways, always wanting to be the center of attention and affection. Her controlling sociopathic ways, how she purposely distanced me from people, secret talk with people to get them to leave us alone and stay away, she basically was "isolating me"! Always the "poor pitiful me" cards from her that were played all the time, also the fantastic "victim cards" she's play from time to time, the conspiracy's, Big Brother is out to get us, nothing every really being her fault, always had a escape goat in her hip pocket, her apparent lack of sympathy and empathy to wards others................all the way to her Father telling her God spoke to him when he touched the family cross in the living room, telling him "Aaron is bad news, God says you must leave him and come back home to the people who love you"! Yeah right Dad, you only wanted her back for her disability check, for you always were complaining how you can't make it without her, the continued monthly complaints about how tight money was, having to sell stuff off on Craigslist and e-bay just to make ends meet. Her lies, her using people, her abusing people, secret talks, the isolation ect. ect. ect. Through it all, I've just come to a point as to say "Aaron, your just going to have to think that it was what it was" and now it's time to drop the hard feelings from it all, and move on! So I looked up into the dark sky, the rain pelting my face, I looked up and openly said out loud........"I forgive you"! It wasn't all her fault, she was born into a very trying and troubled and violent home, full of alcoholism, morphine abuse, steroid rage, domestic violence, verbal abuse, possible sexual abuse, sibling rivalry, house to house to house, weight issues, not allowed to have "real world" friends other than what she can make on a computer, not allowed to get mental health help......ever! Being yanked out of school at the 2nd grade and never being allowed to return, never living outside the home, being allowed to be a hermit in her upstairs bedroom, she had a lot going against her from the very start, tonight I finally gave into such thinking and for once I wasn't so much pissed off with her and her family, for once, I felt very sorry and sad for them, almost to the point where I was going to pray for them! But even with all that, her fault or not, it isn't serving me anymore to be stuck with thinking about all of that! Now a day's I just can't muster up the same level of being pissed and upset about it all as I could say 2-3-4 months ago. There has to be an end to it all, there has to be some "letting it go", again it doesn't serve me anymore by accessing this, researching about it, over thinking it, getting upset by it, getting pissed by it, it just doesn't do me anymore good to harbor it all inside. So tonight inside that dark rainy parking lot, drenched in water and soaked cloths I said it again out loud "I forgive you"! Looking up into that dark sky I also said out loud "I'm am letting it go"! Then I thought back to my earlier "The storms always give way to the Sun and blue sky's"! I'm letting it go as to make ready for the Sun to peek it's beams of light through my dark clouds, on the hope and faith that the blue sky's of better days are just around the corner. I'm also letting it go as to be fair with whoever might come into my life next! I want to start making mental and emotional room inside myself for the next possible "next special lady" that might come into my life! I realized I'm fine, I'm still alive, I'm still breathing...........and thinking I'm making good choices by attending 3 support groups per week, maintaining myself though my psychiatrist, and my therapist and the new medications I'm on, it's all good, it's all helping me to live with just me! It's doesn't matter anymore, I'm done with it, I now know it was for the best that things ended! We were just from two way different worlds, from way different sides of the tracks, her family set in their unique ways and my family set in theirs. To many differences, to many different ways of doing things, two very codependent people......one who is a taker, and me, who is a chronic "people pleaser", the giver! There wasn't enough "balance", to much "give & take" and to much "push -pull"! but I'm now at a point where I'm grateful for the experience, it was like a fantasy come true, something right off the pages of the script to the movie "Pretty Woman"! I had good memory's, good foods, good places and good times while it lasted! In closing I'm just at a place, and it feels right, and I'm now thinking for the first time............. "It is better to have loved, than to have never loved at all"! With a warm heart I really wish my ex-fiance well, I hope she's happy, I hope she's safe, I hope she meets someone one of these days more suited for her and her needs than I was, I hope she enjoyed her time with me in California, and I'm hoping and wishing she's staying warm, for it's cold in Ohio right now and she's medically cold sensitive! I love her, I'm thankful to have had her, and she will always have a special little place inside my heart, always! Time to move on, time to see what's around the next corner, and with what I've learned by all of this, I'm excited at the potential of the next relationship I'm in, that it will be more healthy and more well balanced that my previous! Thanks for reading! "Let's turn the page"! Edited December 3, 2014 by AaronSG 4
NopeNah Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Sorry,man. Didn't read it all. Anyways. You need/HAVE to stop putting so much power on what/where you two did this or that. It's not there anymore. It's gone. Time to make your memories without her. Sorry,Mate,but....it's time. Chin up! Head high...Walk away.
Author AaronSG Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 Sorry,man. Didn't read it all. Anyways. You need/HAVE to stop putting so much power on what/where you two did this or that. It's not there anymore. It's gone. Time to make your memories without her. Sorry,Mate,but....it's time. Chin up! Head high...Walk away. Thank you for your insightful words, don't know how much you read till, but towards the end of my post, the "letting go" and "walking away" part.......gotcha covered there! Yup, time to move on, time for new life's experiences and perhaps down the road someone new the share it with, if not, that's cool to, it will just be me with me!
TiredConfusedHurtSad Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 "Good on ya" (good for you), as they say nowadays. Just be aware that you may go through the experience multiple times -- getting a loving epiphany, then somehow returning to vague unsettling feelings that you'd been cheated (that's where most of our hurt comes from, this particular feeling), then back to equanimous acceptance.... As long as the overall trend is towards healing, then you're good. Speaking of Netflix nights, my second-most recent experience of what you're talking about here was just the other day, watching "Blue Valentine"...the way the film was constructed (crafted), it rather mirrors the process you describe of memories intruding upon the present, intruding at first but then making sense of it, until in the end there's a kind of holistic healing by way of acceptance of everything...hard to put into words but anyway, for you being in the rain and all helped -- for me it was a similar experience, only virtually through this movie. 1
Jewels7 Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 Wait... her family made a fake funeral fund so people would donate money?!?!?! That is sickening!!! They are conartists and she very well might be one as well. Chin up sir. You are so so so much better off though you don't feel that way now. 1
JDPT Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 Way to go! Time to Move On and time to be strong. Many more exciting ventures coming down your way. 1
TiredConfusedHurtSad Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 Wait... her family made a fake funeral fund so people would donate money?!?!?! That is sickening!!! They are conartists and she very well might be one as well. Chin up sir. You are so so so much better off though you don't feel that way now. It's amazing -- and inspiring, in an Amish kinda way -- how he is now able to forgive all that with true love and look on the good times for the truly good times that they were, in and of themselves...rather like loving one's country despite its imperfections. The way he was able to still acknowledge her humanity and have compassion for her broken upbringing demonstrates that he's truly moved on. And now he'll be moving on up as well! 1
Light Breeze Posted December 6, 2014 Posted December 6, 2014 Congrats Aaron.. I just get happy reading about people finally accepting the loss and move on. Wish you well brother. I hope I could attain that level of peace in the near future 2
Author AaronSG Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Wait... her family made a fake funeral fund so people would donate money?!?!?! That is sickening!!! Yes, it's quite unfortunate, but yes, my ex-fiance's Father created a temporary dummy funeral business on-line and linked the store front's donation service directly into his personal pay-pal account. The web site looked official enough, it looked like it had all the required permits and licenses to conduct this sort of operation, but low and behold it was all fake. It took my Mother's I.R.S. Agent to point out this problem. Due to the fact that my Mother was attempting to take the web site up on it's claims that all donations were "tax deductible", my Mother was trying to do this when the Agent, after a little digging to make sure she would get the "kick back" from it, pointed out the problem. The Agent since then has advised my Mother that the appropriate reports have been written and submitted to the proper authorities. All other family members and friends that had gone ahead and made donations have been advised. It is quite disturbing to us all how people like them could even try to rationalize this sort of criminal behavior. We're not just talking about some "chump change" donations that a person might go "oh well, it was only $20.00, what's the point"! No, as far as I know and have been told, my Mother = $300.00 my Father = $400.00 my Sister = $50.00 my Step-Brother = $25.00 and a total of about 3-4 friends of mine topped out around $100.00 collectively, and me = $50.00! Also, this "so called" dead Sister of my ex-fiance has within these past couple months resurfaced on social media. A couple post from last month were found, one even containing a posted photo with the dead Sister in it! So the authorities, who ever that may be should have no problem tracking this down. But yeah......."sickening"! Glad I'm no longer running with that family, heck imagine the type of problems and legal issues I might have been facing someday if I married into that family! Yeah, it broke my heart, but at least my freedom is intact!
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