So much anger (Updated)

[ExpatInItaly]

Apologize once and walk away. I don't mean to be rude or condescending, but I have a hard time believing you don't enjoy the attention from him, be it positive or negative. After all this, you ignored the advice of everyone to not interact or engage with him. You are an equal participant in this drama, based on what you posted.

[Zahara]

I really think you love drama. Negative attention is still attention and you thrive on it. You create thread after thread about this guy and from the last people told you ignore him when he's at your house. Instead you allow him to engage you, then you get belligerent because God know how much beer you have to drink to lose all self-control and from start to finish, you do the exact opposite of what people told you. ONLY after ALL of that drama you THEN decide to go to your friends house. Funny how the smart and mature thing to do would have been -- see idiot, ignore idiot or just accept apology/move along and go to friends house. Simple.

 

It's futile. You should do whatever it is you want to do.

[Ashley S]

Everyone, I wasn't the one that invited him over. My brother invited him over, and I didn't know he was coming over, if my brother would have told me, I definitely would have left without question. It was a total surprise to see that he was at my door, I was already drinking at this point. I did walk away, and he kept chasing after me. I went up into my bedroom, and he went upstairs and tried talking to me, and then I went downstairs. He did the same thing. He kept following me around no matter where I went, and he kept talking to me, and that's when I said "I will never go out with you for as long as I live" "I will never forgive you, because you will never change, when you do change that is when I will forgive" He kept bothering me and then he finally sat at the table, and I went upstairs in my bedroom and drank the rest of my alcohol.

 

 

I came back downstairs, and he started talking to me again, and then that is when I started to become belligerent and call him names. I wasn't enjoying the attention clearly. I was ignoring him and walking away. I did get drunk though and called him names, and insulted him, put him down, saying that I am a Straight A student, and that he's a lowlife, and trash. I was spouting off. I did do what everyone told me to do.

 

 

I did ignore him, and walked away, and I went to my friends house because I finally got a hold of her. I just don't know if I should feel bad or not? Because I got really vicious. In the same breath it's tit for tat because he made my night the worst night imaginable. But I don't like to hurt people, so i'm confused as to whether I should feel bad or not. Thank you.

[Ashley S]

I guess all I am asking is what do you think in regards to me being that way? Being belligerent and calling him names and putting him down? Like do you think it's justified? Or do you think I was wrong? Do you think I should feel bad or not? etc etc. That is all I am asking. Because I am torn between feeling victorious and feeling really bad because even though he hurt me, I don't like to hurt people though. I just wanted to know what everyone thought. Whether it was bad or not what I did, and if I should let it go, and what not? Thank you.

[Zahara]

I did walk away, and he kept chasing after me. I went up into my bedroom, and he went upstairs and tried talking to me, and then I went downstairs. He did the same thing. He kept following me around no matter where I went, and he kept talking to me, and that's when I said "I will never go out with you for as long as I live" "I will never forgive you, because you will never change, when you do change that is when I will forgive" He kept bothering me and then he finally sat at the table, and I went upstairs in my bedroom and drank the rest of my alcohol.

 

The only reason he kept chasing you is because you were probably giving him a reaction. He saw how affected you were. I bet it was all over your face and demeanor. All you could have done was when you saw him, walk away and if he started talking to you, all you could have said was, "Mr. Idiot, I would like to please ask you to leave me alone. Thank you for the apology and I appreciate it but it would be best if you please respect my space in my own home." Like an adult -- communicating. Then walk away. If then he still kept on badgering you, take your things and go to your friends. Instead of spouting all that drama, you could have diffused it by being civil, communicating your mind and going to your friends. And how was he still talking to you when you were in your bedroom? You didn't shut the door/lock it? You couldn't tell your brother to please tell his friend to leave you alone? Or drive you to your friends? He was drunk too?

 

And even after that bad spectacle, you went back to your room and drank some more and then went back downstairs and started drama again. When do you learn?

 

I came back downstairs, and he started talking to me again, and then that is when I started to become belligerent and call him names. I wasn't enjoying the attention clearly. I was ignoring him and walking away. I did get drunk though and called him names, and insulted him, put him down, saying that I am a Straight A student, and that he's a lowlife, and trash. I was spouting off. I did do what everyone told me to do.

 

What do your parents think of you getting drunk in their home and behaving this way? No, you didn't do what everyone told you to do. This "drunk" issue got you in trouble the last time with your friends at the club. Maybe the root is your drinking.

 

I did ignore him, and walked away, and I went to my friends house because I finally got a hold of her. I just don't know if I should feel bad or not? Because I got really vicious. In the same breath it's tit for tat because he made my night the worst night imaginable. But I don't like to hurt people, so i'm confused as to whether I should feel bad or not. Thank you.

 

Tomorrow it's going to be another outburst because you can't control yourself, or you're drunk or you were just angry, etc. Does it matter if you feel bad because a few days from now another dramatic thing will happen and there will be another situation to deal with.

Edited December 7, 2014 by Zahara

[Ashley S]

Oh my! All I am asking is if I should feel bad or not, and what people think about. If it's justice? Or wrong? Or if I should apologize? That's all I am looking for people to answer.

[losangelena]

We can't tell you whether or not you should feel bad. Either you do or you don't. I think it'd be a bit weird if you didn't feel bad after insulting someone and making them feel bad, but again, either you feel justified in your actions or you don't. The fact that you're posting about it makes me think you do feel bad but want someone to tell you that what you did was OK because this guy won't leave you alone.

 

Like I already said, apologize to this guy and distance yourself from him. I too am interested to know how old y'all are, especially since he doesn't seem to be able to leave you alone. Mature people don't do that.

[Ashley S]

We can't tell you whether or not you should feel bad. Either you do or you don't. I think it'd be a bit weird if you didn't feel bad after insulting someone and making them feel bad, but again, either you feel justified in your actions or you don't. The fact that you're posting about it makes me think you do feel bad but want someone to tell you that what you did was OK because this guy won't leave you alone.

 

Like I already said, apologize to this guy and distance yourself from him. I too am interested to know how old y'all are, especially since he doesn't seem to be able to leave you alone. Mature people don't do that.

 

Yeah, I am confused. Because one minute, i'm like "He deserved it" next minute i'm like "That was really cruel of me, and I shouldn't have said those things" So I am very confused, and I don't know what to think. I am looking for validation on Loveshack because I know that the people on here are mature, and intelligent. I wanted other opinions to see what I should do because I am confused on what to do. Like let it go? Or apologize? I am 21 years old. He's 25 years old. Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it.

[losangelena]

I mean, it's probably a bit of both. You have a conscience (which is a good thing), so even if someone is "deserving" of a verbal beat-down, you're still gonna feel bad about it. This is life—there are lots of gray areas.

 

It does you no harm to apologize to him. Doing so will probably make you feel better, too.

[Danda]

I guess all I am asking is what do you think in regards to me being that way? Being belligerent and calling him names and putting him down? Like do you think it's justified? Or do you think I was wrong? Do you think I should feel bad or not? etc etc. That is all I am asking. Because I am torn between feeling victorious and feeling really bad because even though he hurt me, I don't like to hurt people though. I just wanted to know what everyone thought. Whether it was bad or not what I did, and if I should let it go, and what not? Thank you.

 

You could have ignored him when he came over, but you didn't. You are playing this game 50/50 with him. Just because who is the victim and who is the perpetrator might keep shifting in your mind, doesn't really matter. It takes two to tango and you are dancing with him willingly and eagerly. Instead of ignoring him, you puked your emotions all over the place, and now you're obsessing about it.

 

To be frank, I think you are both dysfunctional, and your particular types of dysfunction are attracting each other (as is often the case).

 

He likes to get inside a woman's mind and play games. You obsess very easily and respond strongly when provoked, then obsess about it some more.

 

The two of you almost seem like a tamer version of the classic NPDxBPD duo.

 

People here can tell you to let it go and not engage, but you don't seem very capable of doing that. You should really focus on why that is. And that doesn't mean making excuses like, "I just want to know why he did that," or "I am just wondering.. blah blah blah". The point is why do you even give a **** in the first place. Is there some deeper, underlying need/complex you have, and this random jackass just so happens to be temporarily filling the void?

 

And please bear in mind that I am not trying to insult or judge you here. I used to have issues, myself, and did my time in therapy. So I am just perceiving you and your situation from a retrospective angle, like I recognize the ****storm your mind is in, now that I am no longer in it, myself.

[Rydo]

Ashley serious question here but is it possible you just like drama and attention?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah, I am confused. Because one minute, i'm like "He deserved it" next minute i'm like "That was really cruel of me, and I shouldn't have said those things" So I am very confused, and I don't know what to think. I am looking for validation on Loveshack because I know that the people on here are mature, and intelligent. I wanted other opinions to see what I should do because I am confused on what to do. Like let it go? Or apologize? I am 21 years old. He's 25 years old. Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it.

 

You are both way too old to be behaving this way.

 

The mature thing would've been to say nothing. This is why everyone here believes you actually thrive on this.

 

You didn't need to be so immature and childish, in my opinion.

[Zahara]

Oh my! All I am asking is if I should feel bad or not, and what people think about. If it's justice? Or wrong? Or if I should apologize? That's all I am looking for people to answer.

 

That's the thing. What should I do? What did I do? You keep putting yourself in these situations when if you placed some thought and awareness into how you approach situations and how to practice some self-control, you wouldn't be in this drama as seen in every thread you create. What should I do,what do I do will be moot if you learn how to carry yourself.

[Ashley S]

Ashley serious question here but is it possible you just like drama and attention?

 

No, I am confused, and wanted other people's opinions is all. Geez.

[Ashley S]

You are both way too old to be behaving this way.

 

The mature thing would've been to say nothing. This is why everyone here believes you actually thrive on this.

 

You didn't need to be so immature and childish, in my opinion.

 

 

If I was sober it wouldn't have gone down that way. If I was sober I would have just locked myself up in my room, and waited for my friend, and then left. Because I was drunk, my feelings and emotions started to become strong and overwhelming, and then that is when I spouted off, and ripped him to shreds. I don't really feel good about it though.

[Ashley S]

Hey, so I know I probably annoy a lot of people on here, but I just want some input because I don't know if I did the right thing or not. I wrote him a long letter and mailed it to his address. It was more of a clarification letter. I was dishing all of my feelings onto the letter, and I told him how much he hurt me, but he didn't deserve to be berated by me, and I shouldn't have done that. I said, "we can't be friends anymore because we bring out the worst in each other, and I think it's best if we just aren't friends anymore." I also said "You will have work opportunities with my father because your work ethics have nothing to do with your personal life, so don't worry about that"

 

I wish I could copy and past the letter for you all to give me a better opinion on it, but it's too long. All the letter consist of is how much I liked him, and liked being around him, but he's had anger with me and I don't know why, and so I distanced myself, and then he invite me out, and I felt really hurt and embarrassed by that night, and it was the worst night of my life, and then he came over, and acted like nothing happened, and the anger stewed in me, so I lashed out on him, but I care for him as a person, but I think we shouldn't be friends anymore etc etc. It's basically a letter of departure, clarification, feelings, and emotions. I just want us to part on good terms instead of parting on bad terms is all I was pretty much aiming for in the letter.

 

That is basically what the letter was about. Do you think I did the right thing? Or do you think that it sounds crazy? Like if you were to get a letter like that would you think the person is crazy considering that you both were just friends and nothing more? Or would you look at it like "She's just making things more clear and expressing her feelings"? Need honest opinions about this, please don't bash me. I am just asking you your opinion if you think I did the right thing? Thank you very much for reading. I appreciate it!

Love, Ashley

Edited December 10, 2014 by Ashley S
Needed more details

[snowflakes88]

I think you sound 100% crazy.

 

And I agree with the many others who have expressed that you seem to get off on drama or attention of any kind, to the point of apparent obsession.

[stillafool]

The question is DO YOU THINK YOU DID THE RIGHT THING???? What difference does it make what we think when you have already written, stamped and sealed the letter to him?

 

Here, take your letter as your CLOSURE of this relationship and go strict NC. That means when he contacts your family members to hang out, you don't go. When he comes over to visit your brother, stay in your locked room until he leaves. Do not call him, text him and don't accept any communication from him. Now if you do all of these things you won't have to come here and ask if you are doing the right thing again. Move on and start dating other people.

[snowflakes88]

The question is DO YOU THINK YOU DID THE RIGHT THING???? What difference does it make what we think when you have already written, stamped and sealed the letter to him?

 

Here, take your letter as your CLOSURE of this relationship and go strict NC. That means when he contacts your family members to hang out, you don't go. When he comes over to visit your brother, stay in your locked room until he leaves. Do not call him, text him and don't accept any communication from him. Now if you do all of these things you won't have to come here and ask if you are doing the right thing again. Move on and start dating other people.

 

I don't think they ever even dated, which is what makes this all the more disturbing.

[Zahara]

That is basically what the letter was about. Do you think I did the right thing? Or do you think that it sounds crazy? Like if you were to get a letter like that would you think the person is crazy considering that you both were just friends and nothing more? Or would you look at it like "She's just making things more clear and expressing her feelings"? Need honest opinions about this, please don't bash me. I am just asking you your opinion if you think I did the right thing? Thank you very much for reading. I appreciate it!

Love, Ashley

 

All this for some guy that called you slutty and tried to grab your boob -- acted inappropriately with you -- all this emotion and drama invested in some douchebag, and a douchebag you never even dated.

 

Did you do the right thing? What does it matter because you posted this thread and asked for opinions, and you didn't do anything of what was said but instead you mailed a letter. Now, you come back and ask if you did the right thing when it is moot because it's already in the mail. Whether he views you as looney or he reads it as a simple letter professing your emotions -- it doesn't matter anymore whether you did the right thing. And as up and down you both are, it would be hard to figure out what goes on in his brain.

Edited December 10, 2014 by Zahara

[Andy_K]

The letter would just tell him what everyone here already knows:

 

That if he makes one genuinely convincing apology for his actions, and a concerted effort to be nice to you, you're so into him that you'll drop your pants in a heartbeat.

 

Far from closure... You've just told him exactly what he needs to know to 'win' if he so desires.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think the letter indeed makes you sound crazy. Very unwise move on your part. You put all your vulnerabilities on paper and gave him plenty of ammo to hurt you again. I'm really not sure what you hope to accomplish with this guy. But you definitely thrive on the drama and are you own worst enemy, by my assessment.

[Ashley S]

I have a hard time expressing my feelings. He wasn't just a guy I knew for a month. I knew him for years! We were close, we were friends, we hung out, but this recent incident where he humiliated me was one too many. This was the only incident, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back because I have been dealing with his BS for like 4 years now. He constantly blew me off, but we would sometimes hang out, but he confused me, and I confused him and it was just a emotional rollercoaster, and I finally came to a breaking point, and a realization that this is not normal.

 

I wrote him a letter to clarify things because he always seemed confused about me, but I had feelings towards him so I never progressed the relationship because he would always do something to piss me off, but my stupid self always thought "He'll change" "I'll change him", now I realize you can't change anybody, and so I thought a letter would help me get my feelings out since I am a person that internalizes a lot. All what I said on this forum is what you people know. My friends or family doesn't even know what I write on here, and they don't even know how I feel about the guys in my life, only you people on here do. That is how much I internalize, and I feel comfortable telling strangers believe it or not. I feel comfortable telling my problems, or situations on the internet. I can't express my feelings well.

[Ashley S]

Would anyone be willing to read my letter to form a better opinion? I can email it, private message it, or whatever you prefer.... because I think it's too much for me to copy and paste on here. If you want I can send you my letter and you can read what I actually wrote to him. Sorry if I gave the wrong impression like I only knew this guy for a month or something. I was his friend for years, and we just had an up and down, resistant, weird friendship. If anyone is interested, please let me know. Thank you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ashley, I'm sure plenty of people here would be willing to read your letter. But I'm not sure what the point is? It's already been sent. Are you hoping that by posters reading it, we'll be more likely to see your perspective? The most important thing will be his reaction to it, and I honestly don't see any good coming of it. I think you'll be stuck in this cycle with him for a long time.