Jules75 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Hello seeking a bit of advice. My partner broke up with me very recently. We have been together for nearly 5 years. Right from the start because of his religious values he said no sex till marriage and I accepted because I loved him. Within that time I have given him nothing but love, support, looked after his children and loyalty. We have lived together for 2 years. We both have children from previous relationships and mine has finally finished in the court process which he supported me through and also helped pay for. He has financially looked after us too which I could never thank him enough for. He has been good but lately he had been very selfish and I could never get him to talk to me or spend quality time. His children play games and don't like us together but my son loves him like a dad. When he broke up it came out of the blue and only the night before we had been lying in bed him hugging me tight telling me all was okay and that we were okay. After all the court etc on my side and the fact I now have a job and can actually help out with bills etc as I earn nearly as much as he does. HE told me we are different, we have different values, but this is weird as we have always been different and our values are the same we just see the world in a different way. He then gave me all these reasons he was upset but sadly I was never talked to or told any of this but apparently he had tried. All I ever asked for from his was to be loved. He has been married twice before and they ended very badly and both women were vindictive, when I came on the scene which was well over a year after his second marriage broke up he was still in a sad place. I waited and just listened and then fell in love. I sat back and waited for 5 years when all along I had said if you get into a relationship with me and with his restrictions on sex the obvious was we would marry. Now suddenly we are in a great place in some respects - finance and trial over and he after being affectionate up unitl the Tuesday walks in the next morning tells me we are over and really gave no reason. The reasons further up have taken me 3 days to gain some limited understanding for. I have a theory and was just wondering if people think it could be alright. My theory I have given him a nurturing environment with love, support and loyalty and he has selfishly taken all that and when the time came to be responsible to our relationship or from what Im more thinking friendship he is too scared to commit. He instead blames silly reasons that when we talked I was easily able to say hang on a minute that isn't true or at what point did you give me a chance to talk he never did instead apparently I was notching up mistakes. I love this man unconditionally and still do and stupidly a part of me wants him back. Do people believe I have been used? ALso we are nearly 40 and his children use him, he hates his job and seems to be running away from life doing exercise and funnily enough got rid of someone who would move heaven and earth to help him anyway I could and just be there and listen. Is he having a midlife crisis. My heart is breaking and I just don't understand I have done nothing but give, be kind and nurse his heart and loved with all my heart and now what I was led to believe was my future is gone. Sorry its all over the place I sort of type like I think.
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 He already had two failed marriages when you met. I suspect he just doesn't like being married but he gets married because according to him, he can't have sex outside of marriage.
TiredConfusedHurtSad Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 He already had two failed marriages when you met. I suspect he just doesn't like being married but he gets married because according to him, he can't have sex outside of marriage. Yeah, who knows, he may be gay or something -- there's a lot of religious types who try suppressing their homosexuality. Who knows.
TiredConfusedHurtSad Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Jules75, Yes, you've been used -- but not necessarily in a "nakedly intentional" way...all relationships are about mutual benefit, whether the parties realize it, and for him somehow the benefits has far outweighed the costs now.... You can go crazy trying to figure out "what went wrong"...the most important question right now is how you will react, what you decide to do now. Practical concerns are paramount. He's obviously not happy -- and it's most likely nothing to do with you at all; people have unresolved issues that often leads to a break-up, with anyone. It's like folks who seem healthy but the next thing you know they're feeling sudden pains and have two months to live and die three days later. Stuff just happens. We just tend not to recognize this fact until stuff happens that we don't like. But, being understandably ego-centric, we take developments personally....
StalwartMind Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Commendable loyalty and patience which is an all too rare quality in most people these days. As you said you've done nothing but be supportive, giving and understanding, but unfortunately this does not guarantee anything. I can count at least three times from what you wrote where a significant problem presents itself. When it comes to communication, there was a breakdown in your relationship. It is my impression he didn't handle that part sufficiently and it left you in a spot where progress or solution to issues were difficult if not impossible to reach. He more than likely has some personal issues that are difficult to deal with and unfortunately you couldn't help him with that even if you unquestionably would of wanted to if you could. It's of course all very unfortunate and a devastating blow to the life one had imagined. Despite that and while you still have very close feelings for him, your future is far from gone. It is of course way too soon to be thinking about this, but there men out there whom have much more composure and the ability to communicate their feelings, problems etc. in a a way that will not leave you shocked and surprised as you experienced with him. There is always the chance of a midlife crisis but I'm still suspicious there may be more to it than that. My biggest advice is to not feel ashamed or bad about anything that happened and please don't change the way you are because this world could quite frankly need more men and women with such unselfish behavior. Take your time to process your thoughts and feelings. You wrote everything perfectly fine and it gave me and I'm sure others as well, a very good idea of your situation.
Author Jules75 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 Thanks for the insight. I know something is going on inside of him but it just really hurts and I feel that he had no faith in me. I said goodbye on Tuesday and told him I don't regret my time with him but he has really broken my heart. I cannot see him it's too painful but I miss him very much I just want to talk to hear his voice or just see his face. I feel very confused because when I said that goodbye I told him I will always love you and he said back I will love you too. He even agreed that I would have given him nothing but love and cherished him and done all I could to make him happy. He hugged me really tight and I had to break it off. He is too confusing and I just want the princess and the tears to stop. My heart needs to catch up with my head. Too many mixed signals which is why I'm doing this merry go round. I wonder if there is any chance for me to find happiness not with another person with so much sorrow and at christmas too. Silly once again just wish some healing could start. Thanks for listening!
StalwartMind Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 It is very possible to find happiness again and while the timing may be inconvenient with the holidays and so on, you need to allow yourself to go through all the feelings. If you try to rush yourself there is a high chance of all the pieces not falling into the right place. The healing has already started but it can be hard to sense it amidst all the confusion and thoughts you are processing. While it perhaps is not considered a positive thing to be vulnerable, now is exactly the time where it's alright to be. My sincerest opinion is that someone capable of having given such loyalty and commitment, also has the strength to overcome this, and for that matter things that are much worse. Take comfort in the people and things you do have around you, and let it help you slowly regain your composure. It's easy to fall into traps where you question everything, like will I be able to find happiness again, but you absolutely will, because your happiness has and always will be found inside you. All this may be too much to really wrap your head around at the moment but with time it'll make even more sense.
Author Jules75 Posted December 6, 2014 Author Posted December 6, 2014 After lots of thinking and searching for answers which is what I do, I now realise I am suffering from betrayal of trust that fir me was given openly and in faith. I do not believe that he was or is even with someone else it is more that at some point he made a decision not be with anyone and be selfish. That is fine and honest after 2 broken marriages taking time out to search for you is totally understandable but at some point he should have been honest with me and not kept me hanging in there with what would turn out to be false hope. I loved completely and honestly and gave all I could but in the end I was fighting for the unachieveable. I feel a massive sense of betrayal and sadness that as he had been treated so badly that he thought it was alright to do that to me. I do believe he loved me but at the moment he cannot understand the fallout from his choices he seems emotionally stunted as he has never counselled to work through his past. I can only let time heal this wound but I am who I am and I loved with my whole heart and am proud to say I did all I could and loved unconditionally , it is just sad my ending is not what I hoped. I deserved better and he has shown little respect to me. The only way forward here is to let go. Bye Nathan I have you all of me and I deserved better from you so when you can grow and realise the consequences of your choices seek me out for a conversation. It's time to take time out and concentrate on my kids and have a fun life.
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